was healing - now in tears / angry / hopeless due to recent banal communication

[Depression = 72% of members]

soo tired of getting dragged down to this mixture of frustration, anguish, confusion, betrayal -I guess it's me in the victim mode of drama triangle -I find myself resisting the urge to respond as rescuer or persecutor

Was doing ok, was letting go but saving a small window of hope that exBPD would come to me, apologise and interact with me like 2 equals relating and problem solve-but the much bigger part of me was letting go -well that strategy has bitten me in the arse and had me come crashing down to earth as I yet again am faced with the stark hopelessness of the refusal on his part to "relate" and how I got to accept this is never going to happen. So what's it all been about?

last 2 days have had text communication r.e practical stuff with flat and it sucked -I cannot believe how fragmented it makes me feel -like I have to unplug my soul - I hate it -I don't want to have to communicate in this bizarre clinical way -but anytime I attempt some sort of dialogue from my soul -I get banal, responses, like fob offs -like he hasn't even read the texts properly and is giving me some bland generic response as if he cannot be arsed with giving a meaningful reply.

Again left feeling -what has the relationship been about? -beginning/middle was relating, problem solving, respectful so that's 2/3rds of relationship

why is the end -the last 3rd the only bit he is choosing to focus on as the entire picture of things?

I feel like beginning importance of problems were  minimized and the importance of relationship magnified -now the opposite is happening

What bit of him is directing these stupid banal responses? -this current scenario makes me feel our relationship was not how I thought it was all along - so what the hell was it? it felt genuine at time? we were both very "hot" on creating a truly intimate relationship, not be like respective parents - it was a major building block of our relationship or so i thought... .I'm confused now? The absence of any adult dialogue between two equals in acute lead up to split has been so odd-there has got to be reasons for the split he is not prepared to share -I don't know how he can suddenly find letting go so easy when large part of relationship was very vocal about my non replaceableness.

anybody felt similar? x

[cherryblossom]

soo tired of getting dragged down to this mixture of frustration, anguish, confusion, betrayal -I guess it's me in the victim mode of drama triangle -I find myself resisting the urge to respond as rescuer or persecutor

Was doing ok, was letting go but saving a small window of hope that exBPD would come to me, apologise and interact with me like 2 equals relating and problem solve-but the much bigger part of me was letting go -well that strategy has bitten me in the arse and had me come crashing down to earth as I yet again am faced with the stark hopelessness of the refusal on his part to "relate" and how I got to accept this is never going to happen. So what's it all been about?

last 2 days have had text communication r.e practical stuff with flat and it sucked -I cannot believe how fragmented it makes me feel -like I have to unplug my soul - I hate it -I don't want to have to communicate in this bizarre clinical way -but anytime I attempt some sort of dialogue from my soul -I get banal, responses, like fob offs -like he hasn't even read the texts properly and is giving me some bland generic response as if he cannot be arsed with giving a meaningful reply.

Again left feeling -what has the relationship been about? -beginning/middle was relating, problem solving, respectful so that's 2/3rds of relationship

why is the end -the last 3rd the only bit he is choosing to focus on as the entire picture of things?

I feel like beginning importance of problems were  minimized and the importance of relationship magnified -now the opposite is happening

What bit of him is directing these stupid banal responses? -this current scenario makes me feel our relationship was not how I thought it was all along - so what the hell was it? it felt genuine at time? we were both very "hot" on creating a truly intimate relationship, not be like respective parents - it was a major building block of our relationship or so i thought... .I'm confused now? The absence of any adult dialogue between two equals in acute lead up to split has been so odd-there has got to be reasons for the split he is not prepared to share -I don't know how he can suddenly find letting go so easy when large part of relationship was very vocal about my non replaceableness.

anybody felt similar? x

[babyducks]

hi cherryblossom

great that you have knowledge of the drama triangle, and you could recognize.   I know that doesn't help with the feelings though.

I know for me and my partner, when she gets very emotional overloaded she tends to 'turn off'.   I think it's like a storm that has blown itself out she has just run out of emotional energy.   

for me it looked like the flip side of the coin of a dsyregulation... .instead of raging going numb.    or pushing her feelings away so hard they became almost invisible.

does that make any sense?

'ducks

[C.Stein]

The limited times I have had any contact with my ex it was completely lacking of emotion on her part.  She treated me with courtesy, but like I was a perfect stranger.  She showed no feelings, interest or concern for me at all even when I was rather emotional the one time we saw each other post discard.  This was exceptionally difficult to handle, that cold person without any emotion in her eyes.  They were like two dead coals.  Her words were the same ... .courteous but with a hint of disdain.

[cherryblossom]

Thank you both

I guess with feelings being pushed away so they become invisible -I in turn feel invisible. It is exceptionally hard to handle -i can feel my thoughts spiralling now... .it is cognitive dissonance -frightening feeling. This aloof behaviour seems to represent the darkness of soul -it's scary and makes me so sad as without a flicker of light / life source from within how is there any hope for recovery? I don't know how he will reignite it -he has sedating effects from ocd meds and uses alcohol -he went onto these meds as the "relationship ocd" got too intense -therefore I feel guilty and responsible for causing his current numbed out state-but then again I do remember saying to him if you know relationships cause ocd to worsen why did u aggressively pursue this one before getting proper help? -so reckless - I feel used and drawn into a web of deceit / darkness

It is a stark realisation of accepting this behaviour as an illness -I find that hard though as am anti label -I guess it is helpful for selfish reasons to enable acceptance.

I feel responsible for all this -I didn't know he had BPD until very towards the end and now to look back on relationship seems clear-lots of triangulation and drama triangle situations everywhere. He had ocd but was working on that - any crisis from that I put down to that  -extremely upsetting that the relationship was a mode of expressing dysfunction. I didn't think I was being co dependent as throughout stood my ground, and did not want to rescue him was very clear from start about that- I think he got fed up of this constant promotion of self healing from me. He does have insight -towards end he said he felt perhaps it felt too safe and he needed chaos. This is the frustration with him he has so much insight -but doesn't then do the step of psychotherapy which will help him heal

argh im getting obssessional/responsibilty feelings now hope doesn't last too long

[babyducks]

The intense emotional extremes of BPD can leave us battered and confused. 

Are you trying for some self care?  Eating well?   Exercise?   Doing things to rebuild your depleted psychic energy?   What ever works for you?

[focus]

I focus on the end of my marrige to make sure I will never forget what she put me through.

It helps me detaching.

I was madly in love with my ex. Our relationship was great for the most part, or so I thought.

I am trying to convince myself that she never even loved me. I'm trying to "split her black". I keep telling myself that a person would never do to another person what she did to me if there were the slightest bit of care or warm feelings towards that person.

What she did means she either hates me or never felt anything at all. I'm hoping the latter, because that is even worse.

This keeps me from answering her phone calls and texts and that prevents me from being tempted again.

I want to reach to the point of indifference.

Focusing on the abuse and cheating and discard and the million other factors at the end of my marrige keeps me mad enough to force NC.

[cherryblossom]

I hear what ur saying focus the earlier comment has helped me by reminding me its an illness - not that it excuses abusive behaviour -im not going to reduce myself to the level of dank darkness, i need to forgive for my own selfish reasons and clense myself and make my own light shine - i agree with u about looking at the end though and not taking off rose tinted glasses as the end was part of the whole experience x i am doing lots of self care im lucky i have great friends and close relationship with my sister im doing spiritual yoga healing, got lots of fun stuff to look forward to next year - holidays, gigs, some great training for my career - just shows the depth of the pain that with even with this stuff going on which is genuinely exciting and heartwarming it still cuts through, i cant imagine what it would feel like if i didnt have all that going on or therapy and this board as well x ive got that song in my head-  this little light of mine im gonna let it shine - and i will x