Another holiday dilema - Thanksgiving

[todayistheday]

Holidays are not usually a dilema when it comes to uBPD Mom.  She always enjoyed holidays and was nice, so with the exception of Golden-sister's birthday (not really a holiday),  those were some of the best days, as long as we were on our best behaviors.  Nobody was allowed to "mess up" a holiday, and nobody usually did.

We have our family traditions.  One is that Thanksgiving is at my house.  I live two hours away.  I really enjoy doing the Thanksgiving thing.

This year it's a dilemma because of Mom's recent knee replacement surgery.  She vacillates between witch and waif.  In that she'll say "do whatever you want to do" then lash out forever if what you do is not what she wanted. 

In a previous post, I posted about how she's raging on Dad for not buying her a sandwich at McDonald's when she had actually told him not to.

She doesn't think she can "make it" here for Thanksgiving. She doesn't feel like she can ride for two hours with her knee the way that it is.  Understandable.  She also claims that she's still nauseous from the surgery (which was at the end of September.)

She said for me to go ahead and have Thanksgiving at my house.  That Dad, Sister (who lives next door to her) and sister's family can still come here and bring her home a plate.

I offered to fix everything and bring it there and heat it back up and use paper plates and such so that she won't have to do anything and of course, she wouldn't hear of that. 

If we do what she suggests, have it here, we will pay for it for the next however many years she lives.  If we don't that, she will rage also.  Sister already said "I'd do it at my house, but my oven isn't working and you know how she is about people in HER kitchen."  Sister is an airhead, her stove has been broke since the beginning of the summer, if she even knows how to use it and she could get one by then.  Beside the point.

Sister is going to talk to her husband about going out for lunch locally there and get back to me.

I sort of right now have the attitude, let's just do whatever we want... .we'll get raged upon no matter what we do, so might as well do what we want.

My sister has left most of the stuff in my hands.  I'm leaving this one in hers.  And hoping that poor Dad doesn't get a lot of heat about it.

[Harri]

Hi todayistheday!

This right here is the right attitude to have: 

I sort of right now have the attitude, let's just do whatever we want... .we'll get raged upon no matter what we do, so might as well do what we want.

You've got this.  As strange as it may seem, once you understand that she will do/say/be exactly what she does/says/is, the freer you will feel.  Stop twisting yourself inside out trying to avoid rages and upsets since it does not work, and stop trying to find just the right words to express just the right things to please her because it will never happen.   

I've always figured if I can't win (aka will be screwed no matter what I do), I might as well do or say what I feel good doing and saying.  Avoidance never worked for me.  Twisting myself inside out never worked and it caused me nothing but pain and frustration, so I stopped doing those things.  I've always hated no win situations so I learned to either change the rules or not play the game.

Freedom comes from within and you can have that regardless of what she does through acceptance.  Would it be better and easier if she would change and if you could find just the right words and do just the right things so she would act like a normal person?  Sure it would.  But she is not normal.  Accept that.   

As for your father, as sad as it is, he made his choice a long time ago.  It is not possible for you to protect him.  All you can do is love and support him, but leave him to deal with the consequences of his own life choices.

[todayistheday]

Thanks for the reply.  We've been full circle over this today.

Last night I called my sister and we thought we had a plan.  I was going to do a lot of the cooking ahead and take it to my sister's house and finish up.  This is because sister lives next door to Mom and I live two hours away.  Sounds like a reasonable plan with any reasonable person, right?  Forget we have a uBPD ruling the family.

My Mom threw a fit.  She wants it to be at my house WITHOUT her.

She actually told my sister that SHE didn't want someone else in HER kitchen.  Sister said she doesn't like to cook and if someone else wants to cook in her kitchen, that makes her very happy.  This was projection because Mom doesn't want anyone in HER kitchen.

She raged on my Dad that we are all doing what WE want to do and not what SHE wants by moving the get-together to my sister's.  He called and told me that it's at my house.

So fine, but only because that's what I want and sister is fine with coming here and not cooking.  Yes, we are doing what WE want because it's a lose/lose anyway.  If we preferred it at sister's, we'd still do it there. 

Not getting much support from my DH either.  He has attitude, "well, you should just... ."  He does not understand that someone with a disorder like my Mom isn't logical and her thinking doesn't follow the rules. 

This is so tiring.  We tried to change things in order to please Mom and all we did was stir up trouble.  I don't understand why she feels that she must rage over moving the dinner to sister's house from mine when we were only trying to be nice to her.

I do have boundaries by living two hours away and usually staying out of it.  I do get drawn in occasionally, like now.  I'll get myself out of it again.  It's when I try to deal with the rest of my family that this all happens.  She rules them more than me.  I can't cut her off because they want and I want the rest of the family to remain in my life.