From hell to HELL

[Jentastic]

I posted back in Febuary and I guess this is an update and cry for help.

I was 48 when this charming, good looking, lost man came into my life. He was 36. He was on the rebound and grieving from his previous relationship. We became friends. I invited him over for dinner and he was flirty with me. It was flattering, but I knew this was not the man for me romantically. He stayed the night after dinner and basically never left!

I was lonely and we would spend evenings having long talks. He was troubled, suicidal and I knew it was more than I could handle. But he wouldn't leave. And I thought I was being kind by helping him get back on his feet. I was working 50-60 hours a week while he laid around my house, supposedly looking for a job.

He moved to Oklahoma from Florida to see his brother and then was going to kill himself. Then he met me and said I saved him. We became somewhat romantic... .Although he never once took me on a date. Basically, I was duped. I trusted him. Cared for him. Bought him a truck so he could work. Red flags all over the place, but he was so convincing. "I'll get a job, I'll pay you back... .Well, he got me for a good $8000 dollars, but, the emotional price was so much higher.

He lived with me for 11 months. I finally got him to leave May 2015.

The entire time he lived with me was an emotional roller coaster! He lied about everything. I found out he was cheating on me with both men and women (although he furiously denies the men) he was on dating websites. And then the drugs. Meth. I've never been around that lifestyle so I didn't recognize the signs. I just knew things were getting worse. Especially his temper. By this time it was a constant push and pull. He loved me, needed me, couldn't bear life without me. Then push me away.

We tried to remain friends after he moved out. But we fought constantly. By this time I found out about the drugs... .That explained a lot. And he admitted he was diagnosed with BPD and other things. I had done my research. But I was in way over my head! We were going through these cycles of no contact for a few days, then he would need help. He chose drugs over a place to stay so was living in the truck I bought him. He would be suicidal, then extreme anger and hate and lashing out at me, then remorse. That went on from May until September of this year and I just couldn't take it anymore. I established no contact and then things really got bad. By this time he was so taken by the meth I didn't know.

I ended up filing a protective order a month ago. He still has not been served so it is ongoing. He is so hateful. Death threats. I bought a gun. I'm truly scared of this person I once cared so much for. I thought we would always be friends.

He says how much he hates me and never wants to see or speak to me again but he continues to call, text, email and I don't respond. Why? Why is he doing this?

Why do I miss the the person I once knew? It's so confusing and I'm so hurt and angry.

[babyducks]

Hi Jen,

Welcome back.

I would suggest you visit the Legal board here too.  The senior members there have a lot of experience to share.

What you are going through is confusing and scary.    Of course you are stressed.    This is hard stuff.

I want to say I think it's great you came here and shared.  Talking about it here in a safe place will help. 

How much have you learned about this mental illness?

Ducks

[Jentastic]

Ive read about it A LOT. It helped explain so many things. I just wish I had known what I was dealing with sooner. It's hard enough dealing with his mental illness, but the meth on top has truly made my life a nightmare!

I'm so thankful to have a place to share, vent and read that I'm not alone.

[babyducks]

Meth is nasty.  Do you think it makes the mood swings wilder?

[Jentastic]

Absolutely. All the feelings are magnified and grandiose thoughts of themselves magnified and the paranoia is the worst!

[babyducks]

hi jentastic,

can I ask what are you doing to care for yourself during this tough time?   are you able to see a therapist?   is that something you would consider?   dealing with someone with a mental illness and a drug addiction is lot to handle it makes sense to have a lot of resources in your corner backing you up.

and I would like to encourage self care, yeah I know eating right and exercise is the last thing you want to do when there is stuff going on, but it's important to put gas back in your tank.

He says how much he hates me and never wants to see or speak to me again but he continues to call, text, email and I don't respond. Why? Why is he doing this?

Why do I miss the the person I once knew? It's so confusing and I'm so hurt and angry.

He is doing this because you have become a source of supply for him.  His impulse control was never strong and the meth has made it worse... .he wants something.   Release from negative emotions.  More money.   A place to vent.   Another truck.    Do not accept abuse.   Block his number.   My cellphone provider has a function that allows me to go to a website and put a 90 block on a number for free.   I never even see the incoming call or text.   I can send email directly to a spam folder.   In the spam folder I still see the title of the email but not the content.   You don't need to subject yourself to reading this stuff unless the police have advised you to continue documenting a case against him.    If you need to read/see the texts and emails for the police I would suggest reading them with a trusted friend or a therapist, certainly not alone for a while. 

Perhaps you miss him, the person you once knew because there was a lot of emotional intensity that was good and positive for a while.   It's natural to miss that once it disappears.   

what do you think?   is therapy a possibility for a little while?

'ducks

[OnceConfused]

Wayne Dyer, in his cd, told of a story where a woman told him:

Woman: I am so frustrated because I am married to a drunk, who slurs his words, who smells bad.

Wayne: Well, think about this. All the drunks I know, slur their words and smell bad. So that is exactly what  drunks do. Are you the one that is crazy to expect to drunk to do things differently ?

The moral of the story is BPD or loser will do exactly what they do, be it with us or with anyone else. We must be the crazy one running around expecting or wanting BPD or loser to behave like us. We have to change our thinking.

First of all, you have to determine whether this man is the one for you, the one who is worthy of your friendship.  Secondly, if he is not, then simply treat his calls or emails or text as spams --- HIT THE DELETE KEYS WITHOUT EVEN LISTENING OR READING HIS MESSAGES. 

Thirdly, say a prayer that he is no with you. Imagine what your life would be day to day had this man continued to be in it.

NO MERCY

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Jen, It's interesting to me that you knew from the start that he was a poor choice for a romantic r/s, yet you got involved w/him anyway.  Like me, you ignored your gut feelings, which is sort of a prerequisite to a r/s with a pwBPD.  We rationalize what we know deep down is wrong in order to justify it.  At least that's what I did, covering for my BPDxW.

LuckyJim

[Jentastic]

I'm not going to counseling, but it is available through the courts. I know I need it and welcome it. It's just difficult to make time. My mother is in the final stages of Alzheimer's and I spend 3-4 days a week caring for her. In addition my older sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Yes, it's a lot to deal with... .I need support.

As far as blocking etc... .Yes I have with email, it goes to a special folder and I don't read the emails anymore. He constantly uses different numbers to text/call. I don't answer numbers I don't recognize. But at the same time, everything is evidence for the court case. I always reach out to a court advocate for advice and I have had nc with him for almost two months.

I know I made poor choices with him. I'm a giver. I'm a caretaker. My poor choices were thinking I could help him. NOT SAVE HIM. I knew I couldn't do that. I did encourage him, to get professional help, to try medication, to see a doctor. That would always start a fight.

I did finally get the courage to get him to leave, I'm continuing my nc and doing the best I can to get him out of my life permanently. I just feel overwhelmed sometimes.

[Jentastic]

Actually,

I think this thread should be under the category left, healing wounds. He is gone (sort of) and there is no coming back.

[babyducks]

I understand about everything being evidence for the court case.  That is a hard spot.   It's a balancing act to have enough information to protect yourself while also trying to insulate yourself from the crazy behavior.

I'm a caretaker too.  It's what I do.  I actually like that about myself.   I need to know when to say enough.    And most times I do a fine job with that,  sometimes I don't quite get it perfect.

You can share your feelings here or on the leaving board.  Where ever you feel most comfortable.    Being able to talk to people even anonymous will help relieve stress.