Really struggling

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi,  ihave now been broken up with my ex BPD gf for 6 months and 5 months NC,  I have had another complete break down feels like the break up has just all happened again,  I feel like I've taken 100 steps backwards,  I found out yesterday that she was in fact in a new relationship with in only 6 weeks of us breaking up,  she is 33 and her new fella is 19, so it really bounced me hard.  I heard they were out at the pub fighting and that it conmen for this to happen.  I guess this maybe a little confusing to read as I'm having a really really bad day,  l just don't know how istill feel so in love with her after 6 months,  we were together for 6 years I  guess it's going to take abit of time,  I'm just over hurting and not being able to move on and stuck in love with her,  I know the realitionship was toxic and bad for me but how do I get my heart to let go?  She had a little boy which is now 13 and I'm not aloud to see him at all or out little maltese pup,  I'm guessing that because she has a new fella and has had for some time that would be abit to with the reason I'm not aloud to him but what do you all think about that?  I'm just very confused and struggling really bad the last few days... .

[helpmewithbpd]

Hi,  ihave now been broken up with my ex BPD gf for 6 months and 5 months NC,  I have had another complete break down feels like the break up has just all happened again,  I feel like I've taken 100 steps backwards,  I found out yesterday that she was in fact in a new relationship with in only 6 weeks of us breaking up,  she is 33 and her new fella is 19, so it really bounced me hard.  I heard they were out at the pub fighting and that it conmen for this to happen.  I guess this maybe a little confusing to read as I'm having a really really bad day,  l just don't know how istill feel so in love with her after 6 months,  we were together for 6 years I  guess it's going to take abit of time,  I'm just over hurting and not being able to move on and stuck in love with her,  I know the realitionship was toxic and bad for me but how do I get my heart to let go?  She had a little boy which is now 13 and I'm not aloud to see him at all or out little maltese pup,  I'm guessing that because she has a new fella and has had for some time that would be abit to with the reason I'm not aloud to him but what do you all think about that?  I'm just very confused and struggling really bad the last few days... .

[C.Stein]

I sympathize with you.  I just found out last week my ex moved on very quickly too and was quite likely getting involved with him during our relationship.   It is almost like she never had feelings for me at all.  All the progress I had made up to that point was gone ... .and then some.  

I have been really struggling myself for more than a month and I don't understand why it has been so hard this time around.  It will get better at some point, if only I could find a way to stop feeling connected to her.  I have been trying to rationalize everything but I have a hard time with the storm of conflicting emotions.  I have found some solace in the moments where I can see it is for the best, so I try to focus on those moments and thoughts.

The first week after finding out was the worst for me.  That initial crash was the lowest point for me in all this, and probably for you too.  It will get less painful, it did for me, but I still have wet eyes almost constantly.  There are times when I just want to scream ... .and I do when I can.  That helps a little too.  Eventually it will all stop, it always does.  Believe in that and in yourself.

[helpmewithbpd]

Yeah I have to say it has completely rocked me again,  even though it has been 6 months sense we split I feel like it was just yesterday all over again,  I am the same as you I feel completely connected to her and can't seem to let it go and kills me thinking that she has,  that and i was just told that she will probably never let me see her little boy and pup again and I just have to accept it,  it makes me feel that I've done something so bad and I'm such a bad person when I can't think of anything I've done that is that bad,  I know there a rumours of me going around that I am seeing her worst enemy and it's far from the truth and iIknow that doesn't help with any of it,  I just don't want to feel like this any more i want to move on like she has and be happy

[C.Stein]

Let all that negative stuff just roll off of you.  It doesn't matter what she thinks of you now.  My ex has most certainly painted me black too and it is damned hard dealing with that.  I have become her scapegoat ... .heck she treats her ex before me better and he dumped her for another woman.  She will do what she wants. as was always the case with her ... .I would be willing to bet your ex is similar.  

There is nothing you or I can do about what has happened.  Sooner or later we need to stop living in the past and start living in the present.  It is hard, I know.  I wish I knew a way to make all the pain go away but the only remedy is time.

[helpmewithbpd]

Yeah definitely was like that,  there's no denying that, l just want to let go and I can't,  my love for her ran  so deep and trying to let go and find peace with the fact she has someone else just devastates me

[C.Stein]

Yeah definitely was like that,  there's no denying that, l just want to let go and I can't,  my love for her ran  so deep and trying to let go and find peace with the fact she has someone else just devastates me

Tell me about it man.  When I think of the two of them together I sometimes feel like I'm going to explode with anger, pain, sorrow, etc... .  That's when I feel like screaming!

[helpmewithbpd]

What else do you do to stop your emotions running wild,  I feel like I want to go running back and tell her how much I love her and doing everything I  can to get her back but iIknow that isn't the right thing to do

[C.Stein]

What else do you do to stop your emotions running wild,  I feel like I want to go running back and tell her how much I love her and doing everything I  can to get her back but iIknow that isn't the right thing to do

I want to do the same even though she has moved on to the next guy and made it clear I am now just another one of her used up discards.

What I do when the emotions start to overwhelm me is I try to empty my mind completely.  I focus on something either visually or mentally ... .something other than her and my emotions.  Take a deep breath and just mentally step back and empty my mind.  It's kinda like on the spot meditation ... .it helps when the emotions get really bad.

The fact she has a new guy is all I need to keep from running back to her.  If that isn't enough I remind myself of the reasons our relationship imploded.  Even then it is tough because there are aspects of her that I love deeply and I tend to gloss over the bad with the good.  If the bad times outweighed the good it would certainly be easier.

As others have said on this board ... .think about what life would be like with her (good and bad) in 5, 10, 20 years down the road.   That should be enough in most cases to keep you from going back.  

A relationship is not defined by the idealization/honeymoon stage so don't fool yourself into thinking that stage is sustainable ... .and that applies in any relationship.  My ex quite literally had a Disney fantasy view of a relationship.  She thought the idealization/honeymoon stage of the relationship was how it should/would be always.  :)uring that stage I bent over backwards to keep her happy and it never seemed to be enough.  This is what she wanted all the time, which is understandable, but not realistic.  

[OnceConfused]

First of all, you have to EMPTY THE CUP OF THE OLD STALE WATER.

How do you empty your cup? - POUR IN NEW WATER, RIGHT ? . Find new activities, new friends ... .

Secondly, tell yourself that YOU DESERVE BETTER.

why would you want to go back to her ? do you think that magically you both will be in a wonderful relationship. NOPE, You just repeat the same cycle again. Think of why you left in the first place.

Thirdly, your love is hanging out with a young man who is barely 6 yrs older than her son. What kind of message or teaching this woman is sending to her son? . LIke I said, you deserve better.

[helpmewithbpd]

Thank you for your kind words,  it his may sound completely stupid I don't know but we have been over for 6 months and nc for 5 month and im just having a melt down again,  in tears every day and back to no sleeping,  bad dream and missing her like crazy,  missing her son and all the normal depressing stuff,  high anxiety and thinking all crazy stuff

[Someguywrote]

Go find some new hoes. I don't suggest getting seriously involved with anyone, but get yourself some FWB's or even just female friends. That's been my coping strategy and it's made the pain more bearable.

[Suzn]

this may sound completely stupid I don't know but we have been over for 6 months and nc for 5 month and im just having a melt down again,  in tears every day and back to no sleeping,  bad dream and missing her like crazy,  missing her son and all the normal depressing stuff. 

Nothing about this sounds stupid.    You are grieving a loss, not only of your ex but also for a child. Would it be fair to say "your family?" I'm sorry this hurts so much. It's perfectly normal to feel incredibly sad.

How are you coping with the anxiety?

 

and thinking all crazy stuff

Like what? It helps to talk. 

[helpmewithbpd]

I'm coping ok with anxiety I guess l try all the things people say to do when you suffer from anxiety.  I have made some female friends but I find myself judging and comparing them to my ex,  I know I'm still completely in love with her which I thought would of faded of by now,  I'm just very stuck but don't know why or how to take the next step.  And all the crazy things I think is like calling her,  msgn her,  going to see her,  pleading for her love again all those sort of things i also know that even if I did any of these things nothing will help and the relationship is not going to work no matter what we do it just seems my heart will not let go that's all,  and i know i  to and have to let go,  i just can't seem to... .  I feel after 6 months I should of moved forward when I haven't at all,  I'm still totally in love and longing for her. 

[Suzn]

I have made some female friends but I find myself judging and comparing them to my ex,  I know I'm still completely in love with her which I thought would of faded of by now

6 months isn't very long after a 6 year relationship. You are still emotionally attached which means you are emotionally unavailable. It would not be fair to yourself or to a future partner to bury your hurt in a new relationship while you are still feeling so raw.   

Have you had a chance to look over the Lessons and the stages of detachment, over to the right of your screen?--->

Where do you see yourself in the 5 stages?

[helpmewithbpd]

I would say maybe stage 2,  it seems to be a very slow process for me,  I guess also it hurts because I'm sitting her stuck as she is happy all the time and with her new partner,  also that she won't talk or anything to me,  just makes me wonder where I went so wrong and what I did so bad,  I'm kind of stuck in her head and not in my own

[Learning Fast]

Help Me,

Don't read too much into the appearance that she is happy all the time with her new partner.  pwBPD are masters at crafting a "fairy tale" narrative especially when they have experienced a setback of some sort.

Additionally, it's only a matter of time before the disorder emerges and challenges her façade.

LF

[helpmewithbpd]

Yeah I do try not do,  just accepting that she has moved on and I'm just stuck atm,  other thing that keeps me wondering is we live in a small town and she never used to drive past my work but now 3 to 4 time a week in her lunch break she drives past,  she looked in the shop a few times as she drove past and now she just drives straight past and doesn't look in, I don't know if it's anything or not,  I do know i over think things alot,  iIwas just thinking maybe she is trying to get my attention there is no reason for her to drive past me shop at all that's all,  the last few times I've seen her drive past when I'm out the front we haven't waved to each other or anything so it just leaves me wondering,  she actually has never drove past so often even when we were together or is it maybe she is completely over it and doesn't even think about things and just goes about her day,  with that said she definitely has a hate streak for me I know that much

[helpmewithbpd]

Yeah I do try not do,  just accepting that she has moved on and I'm just stuck atm,  other thing that keeps me wondering is we live in a small town and she never used to drive past my work but now 3 to 4 time a week in her lunch break she drives past,  she looked in the shop a few times as she drove past and now she just drives straight past and doesn't look in, I don't know if it's anything or not,  I do know i over think things alot,  iIwas just thinking maybe she is trying to get my attention there is no reason for her to drive past me shop at all that's all,  the last few times I've seen her drive past when I'm out the front we haven't waved to each other or anything so it just leaves me wondering,  she actually has never drove past so often even when we were together or is it maybe she is completely over it and doesn't even think about things and just goes about her day,  with that said she definitely has a hate streak for me I know that much