Just Ran into Ex-gf and Her Boyfriend

[mrwigand]

I went to a mutual friend's going away party, even though I knew there was a strong likelihood I would see my ex there. It was a little worse than that... .She showed up with her boyfriend. Ugh. Not going to lie, it felt pretty crappy seeing them there.

Everything went fine. I'm on good terms with my ex, though obviously I still feel a lot of pain from the relationship. I kind of ripped the band aid off and immediately said hi to and exchanged some kind words with her. Not too long after I told everyone I had to get up really early for work and had to leave. It sucks because I was having a GREAT time at the party and would have liked to have stayed, but I knew it was going to be too uncomfortable for me. I don't know.

Running into her and boyfriend wasn't fun. Somehow, it brings up so many negative, emotionally self-injuring thoughts: is her new boyfriend giving her something I didn't/couldn't... .is she happier... .is she healthier... .is she treating him better... .if so, why couldn't she have put forth that effort in our relationship? It all adds together to make you feel like you weren't enough somehow, and that's a cruddy feeling even if it's not based in reality.

A part of me wonders if I should have just sucked it up and even gone out of my way to talk to my ex and her new boyfriend. I did speak to her new boyfriend briefly, and he seemed like a cool guy. Maybe if I just exposed myself to it hardcore instead of running from it immediately I would take away some of the power stuff like this has over me?

As it is now, I've been very diligent about now initiating contact with my ex, checking her facebook, etc, but because we share some friends things like this come up from time to time. Any suggestions? Should I just give myself more time?

[C.Stein]

Running into her and boyfriend wasn't fun. Somehow, it brings up so many negative, emotionally self-injuring thoughts: is her new boyfriend giving her something I didn't/couldn't... .is she happier... .is she healthier... .is she treating him better... .if so, why couldn't she have put forth that effort in our relationship? It all adds together to make you feel like you weren't enough somehow, and that's a cruddy feeling even if it's not based in reality.

I know exactly how you are feeling man.  While I haven't run into my ex and replacement I have the same thoughts running through my mind.  For me personally, going hardcore and forcing exposure to that would likely hurt me even more than the casual contact.  I wouldn't want to verify all those thoughts running through my head were true. 

Obviously you aren't over her yet, nor am I over mine.  Once you get to a place of indifference then you will be better able to handle these situations.  So yes ... .I say more time.

[problemsolver]

I went to a mutual friend's going away party, even though I knew there was a strong likelihood I would see my ex there. It was a little worse than that... .She showed up with her boyfriend. Ugh. Not going to lie, it felt pretty crappy seeing them there.

Everything went fine. I'm on good terms with my ex, though obviously I still feel a lot of pain from the relationship. I kind of ripped the band aid off and immediately said hi to and exchanged some kind words with her. Not too long after I told everyone I had to get up really early for work and had to leave. It sucks because I was having a GREAT time at the party and would have liked to have stayed, but I knew it was going to be too uncomfortable for me. I don't know.

Running into her and boyfriend wasn't fun. Somehow, it brings up so many negative, emotionally self-injuring thoughts: is her new boyfriend giving her something I didn't/couldn't... .is she happier... .is she healthier... .is she treating him better... .if so, why couldn't she have put forth that effort in our relationship? It all adds together to make you feel like you weren't enough somehow, and that's a cruddy feeling even if it's not based in reality.

A part of me wonders if I should have just sucked it up and even gone out of my way to talk to my ex and her new boyfriend. I did speak to her new boyfriend briefly, and he seemed like a cool guy. Maybe if I just exposed myself to it hardcore instead of running from it immediately I would take away some of the power stuff like this has over me?

As it is now, I've been very diligent about now initiating contact with my ex, checking her facebook, etc, but because we share some friends things like this come up from time to time. Any suggestions? Should I just give myself more time?

You're neither more or less then him man , your YOU ... a lot of us males seem to take a massive confidence hit after a r/s with a pwBPD because we were treated like we were celebs in the idolization phase... so when your devalued your confidence takes an unbelievable hit. ( I know mine did) You just gotta build yourself back up man. Get back to who you , used to be. They are so good with words man ... All you can really do is say " I'm not gonna check her social media for a week" stick to it... a week turns into 2 weeks then a month etc... give it a go.

[Wu-tang]

Man, I know what you mean. I split with my uBPDexgf a month ago. She is my next door neighbour - like literally 4ft from my front door.

She had a new guy lined up before we split and is now sexually active with him. I have to try really hard not to umagine them mere feet away in bed together. I've been lucky so far in that she's been going to his but I know it's only a matter of time before he starts coming round to hers and I see them together.

Thing is I feel relieved that the relationship is over after all the hurt but like happened to you, I'm worried seeing them will set me back by making my stomach do a loop.

[C.Stein]

Thing is I feel relieved that the relationship is over after all the hurt but like happened to you, I'm worried seeing them will set me back by making my stomach do a loop.

Assume it will and prepare yourself.  Then perhaps when it happens it won't hurt so much, or at all if you are lucky.

[tribalmart]

Guys, I'm going trough something similiar... .that's not easy! But there ares some things I like to repeat to myself:

-Her rebound is gonna be her next victims. They cannot change without therapy or serious Healing plan, they are ill! When the substitute wont fullfill anymore the vicious circle will start again and again... .

-The fact that they rebound soo fast show us that they do not manage emotions like we do (sane people). You cannot step sanely from r/s to r/s without taking some time to reflect. Love is not an ON & OFF switch!

-Maybe you imagine them having sex with the substitue... .having sex doesnt mean good sex, sexual chemistry between 2 person is not automatic! My ex gf does'nt know about my private life, so she can imagine too that I'm having sex with a plenty of girls.

-Listen to that... .one of the last thing my exBPDgf told me is "That guy (rebound) is very sweet don't judge him! he does'nt take advantage of the sitution but I do!" It show you she's soo toxic! And yours are probably the same!


And don't forget time will heal every deep wounds, our condition wont be eternal!

[Ellie67]

I am still living with mine.    he came into my room last night wanting sex and I said no, but have to admit I thought about it... .He was gone all day and came in all dressed up tonight after a hot date with whomever is the latest... .While I don't want the chaos anymore, seeing him and knowing that he's on to a new one is tough.

I keep reminding myself that "attachment is suffering, detachment is freedom." We can't control what they do, but we can control our thoughts about it.

May we all have a better day tomorrow.