How do you not let your BPD sister bother you?

[ltlwhitebtrfly]

My sister was diagnosed with BPD, depression with psychotic episodes, anxiety and PTSD last year.

Even though she was in and out of the hospital about 6-7 times last year, the hospital basically kicked her out and banner her from going back. (Seriously, yes.)

She was in a program to learn how to live independently but they got frustrated with her too for not listening, not keeping up her chores and a lot more- and so they kicked her out too last year and they won't take her back.

It is to the point now where I kind of want to pull my hair out. I cannot move (I live with her and my father) because I don't have the money to move, and I have asked around and can't live with anyone else. I am stuck here for now.

And so when I get blamed for stuff, yelled at, accused (wrongly), belittled, fought verbally, ignored, given an attitude, etc. what do I do?

My therapist says to try and detach from her but I am not sure how honestly.

And she plays games and is manipulative. And my father won't make her seek more help (she has a therapist, and goes to a couple of groups, but nothing is changing) like a residential program or something.

I am just feeling down and deflated. What helps you cope and deal?

[EaglesJuju]

Hi ltlwhitebtrfly, 



I am sorry that you are having to cope with accusations, constantly getting blamed, ignored, and all the other frustrating behavior.     Coping with BPD behaviors at times can make anyone feel down and deflated.    You have come to the right place for understanding. It really helps to talk about things when you are feeling down.

It is really hard to detach from all that behavior because it is directed at you. It seems so easy to say the behavior is not because of anything you did, but so hard to feel differently.  Detachment is learning to not become affected by another person's behavior and to separate yourself emotionally. It can be very hard to do especially when you have been verbally abused for such a long time. The verbal abuse starts to take a toll on you.   

My mother is very manipulative and belittling. It is very hard for me to tell myself, "She is behaving this way because she is disordered." Logically I can understand that, but emotionally it hurts so much. I started looking at why I feel so horrible about certain things she says to me and why I take the things a disordered person says so literally. A lot of times I blame my mother's behavior on me as if I deserved it or it was my fault that she behaved that way. It is not my fault, nor is it your fault. 

What things does she say make you feel really down?

[Turkish]

Hello ltlwhitebtrfly,

I'd like to join EaglesJuju in welcoming you.

That your sis got kicked out of the hospital sounds pretty bad (and sad, too). The depression, anxiety, and PTSD going along with BPD can be common. The psychosis sounds concerning. Aside from the fact that verbal abuse can be extremely damaging, do you feel safe? Can she be violent?

Turkish

[ltlwhitebtrfly]

Right now she is just getting extremely rude, arrogant and using a lot of swear words with an oomph behind them.

If something doesn't go her way she will get pissed and storm away, or get all bent out of shape and then storm away or get riled up and yell and then storm off and slam her door. If she wants something, if she wants to go somewhere or watch something, she will hound you until it gets done (even if it is over a week).

She belittled my fiance for having dinner with us a couple of weeks ago - about "doesn't he have food at his house?" and making him feel bad about eating, and offering him more food like he is a cow. You really had to be there to watch it. It was awful.

With me, if I rebut her at all, it ends in her being all mad and like she is being attacked. I am treated poorly by her, belittled, and she does little things to try and irritate me. For example - if I am reading or doing work or resting and she is watching tv she will put it on really loud and then I will ask that she turn the volume down and she does for a few minutes and then she turns it back up. If I want to shower, she will run in there before me and say she HAS to shower. If she forgets her keys (to get back into the house after an appointment - something we remind her of but she never remembers on her own) and I have to let her in because she forgot. Instead of her being grateful I was home (and she doesn't have to wait outside for me to come back) she will get all mad and slam her door like she was attacked.

The only time she is pleasant is when she is doing and getting exactly what she wants. Any other time it is unpleasant. You basically can't talk to her without watching what you say. And it sucks.

She says I am treating her differently than I used to - but come on, let's be real here - I have to. If I get too close when she is nice, it is only a matter of time before she is all blowing up and being a b***** to me.

She will complain about our cat because I am close to him and my father is too about how the cat hates her and she will say mean things to him, to me about him, and just be rude and mean.

We lost our dog in September and we are currently looking for another one. And because we are looking, she is making it her mission to consistently say how she isn't ready for a dog - with that dramatic, rude flare. Like because she doesn't want one (which she probably does) then we have to do what she wants.

My therapist says she is basically running our household and she is right.

She also has had a rabbit and cat that she had to get rid of because she refused to take care of them. Now we are black balled from adoptions at 2 adoption agencies. And she had a fish and she said she didn't want to take care of it anymore and after it died she told us that she was waiting for the water to evaporate in the bowl and neglect it so it would die and she wouldn't have to take care of it anymore.

It kills me. And she thinks she isn't like our mother (who had multiple personalities, refused treatment, divorced and tormented our family for years before she finally left for good) but she is just like her. Ignorant, mean and rude, lazy, has to get her way, plays mind games, manipulative and honestly abusive in some ways.

I have felt unsafe living here. It comes in waves. Days when she is really bad I am happy i have a lock on my door. I have worried she will do something to our cat because the cat doesn't like her. And I worry about my dad too and his safety.

My sister has even tried to make it so only she gets time with my father. So if she wants to go somewhere, like a store, my dad will offer for me to go too with them and she will give him a mean dirty look.

She doesn't take great care of herself, she doesn't clean up after herself and her stuff is always all over the house. And if you mention to her picking it up (my dad will usually) she gives him a hard time about it, makes an excuse or gives him that look and is p/o'd at him for hours for asking her to do it.

And she will come up with things like - she thinks she is getting sick - which ends up like a dramatic play production of how she doesn't feel well. (For days mind you.) And she isn't even sick.

She will do just about anything for attention.

We hear her MO is divide an conquer so we try to stay on the same page (my father and I).

It is hard to give descriptive stuff when I am trying to ignore her and forget it all.

My dad is passive with her too, gives her whatever she wants. Claims he is picking his battles with her, but in essence he isn't doing anything. Part of me understands his view though because mentioning things to her doesn't get you far. She will change for a few hours, or a day or two and then go back to how she was. If that. Usually it is like a big battle. 

I don't know. It is just very, very frustrating. And all I can do is vent, go to therapy, try to get a job so I can be out of the house (I apply often) and cross my fingers and look forward to not living here anymore.

I appreciate the support.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi ltlwhitebtrfly,

It is frustrating to have someone constantly be the center of attention and do whatever it takes to be in that position. Both my mother and brother do this. It's always about them! I completely understand what you are going through.   

It is so unpleasant to have to constantly watch what you say or do because you do not to exacerbate the situation. I stopped holding things back and started telling my mother how I felt using communication techniques. She may not always understand why something could make me feel a certain way, but it makes me feel better saying something. From my experience with communication techniques with her, she does not feel criticized or attacked so much.  Take a look at this link.

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

It is really hard but I am trying to stop arguing back and forth with my mother.  Learning how to not react to the behavior of a pwBPD is really helpful. It is almost instinctual to want to yell back at them and try to argue to make them see logic and rationality. When I do this I forget that my mother bases all of her reality on feelings. For her feelings are facts. Arguing against that always goes in circels

I can see how she is running the house hold with her behavior being reinforced. Have you ever tried enforcing boundaries?

[HappyChappy]

Welcome to the board.  So sorry to hear about what must be a very frustrating situation. But hopefully you realise many on this board can relate, and some good tips in there. Your therapist point about detachment is valid. It will be hard (but not impossible) to do in your situation. I tended to avoid being at home (who cares what they say behind your back) and it was my network of friends that helped me leave as soon as I did. I also had no love for my BPD or NPD, which helped me cope. Not because I planed to be cold to them, but because they were so abusive  it was a survival mechanisum. I also get dissociation (where you blank out) and PTSD (as you sister does).

Biggest tip I have, is make sure you don’t become isolated. Your happy future will involve your friends, partner or friends to be. A BPD is unlikely to change – very important to remember (when arguing – there’s no point). With detachment, one technique is to view your sister as an 8 year old. To see her provocations are ways to get attention, as an 8 year old would. In that it’s easier to forgive a child. Most BPD stop developing emotionally in some respects and hence the 8 year old view explains their stropping (silent treatment) desperate attention grabbing etc... .

Boundaries are good, but easier to lay down if you don’t live together. My BPD & NPD were very aggressive against boundary setting, but I did slip a few past them. But here again, you must make it clear that what you want is to their benefit. Also remind yourself daily you are a good person and their put downs are just manipulation.

So in summary, be good to yourself. Look after yourself first, before you can help a BPD. Decided what you need (I had to be LC and NC at times). And be boring and emotionless when around a BPD. That way they can keep being the center of attention. Best of luck, and keep posting.