A Really Bad Day

[chocolate_cheezy]

I find it impossible to reach out for help. The few friends I have are probably tired of me complaining about my H's behavior. It's been going on for 11 years. I don't blame them and don't want to bother them with my problems.  My pastor has advised me numerous times to leave this verbally & sometimes physically violent relationship.

Last night he (my H) told me it's over for about the 20th time. Today the constant phone calls continue. (Paranoid accusations and trying to make me angry) have failed. I remained calm and disconnected when he began calling me offensive names. But he is calling every 5 minutes!

Today is even more difficult than most, I'm out of my HBP/Anxiety/Migraine meds and have been for 3 days. My heart feels like it's beating out of my chest, my head hurts & Im afraid he's going to send someone to hurt me. Today I'm in turmoil and in a great deal of physical pain.

I'm holding it all inside, this place has provided me a great deal of understanding about BPD. I have stopped blaming myself for his actions.

[chocolate_cheezy]

When is it safe to assume that he's done raging?

I answer his call but every time it's a continuation of unfounded accusations. I ask him, "you said it's over between us and to move on with my life, why are you still calling me?"

His reply:

"Why aren't you blocking my calls? You must want me to call. I'm sorry to disturb you and your boyfriend... .slut. whore."  etc.

I have no boyfriend and have been faithful for 11 years. He seems be convinced I have been with hundreds of men. If he really believes this, why on earth would he want anything to do with me?

I don't understand.

I explain to him I am not going to allow him to verbally abuse me before I hang up. I wait a few hours. Or sometimes the next day. When I pick up again I'm hoping he's done or exhausted himself but this craziness has been going on for a solid week now. I've refused to see him for a month for fear of being physically assaulted.  The relationship has completely dissolved. (I should mention he is in prison) but this doesn't stop him from hurting me in secretive ways.

His raging has never lasted this long before.

[Samuel S.]

Chocolate_cheezy, first and foremost, it is important for you to take care of yourself. Is there any way you can contact your doctor to get the meds you need? If you are feeling better physically, it can help you. If not your doctor, perhaps, going to an urgent care doctor or the ER will help.

Seeing that your H is in prison, there is a boundary he cannot pass. The other boundary that can help you is to contact your phone company to block his phone calls. You do not need or deserve his verbal and emotional abuse whatsoever. Otherwise, getting rid of your current phone numbers and having new ones can help out tremendously.

Bottom line, you are reaching out on this website to seek help and rightfully so! It is important to protect yourself physically and emotionally. Only then can you make strides to improving yourself.

Please do take care, my friend! 

[chocolate_cheezy]

"first and foremost, it is important for you to take care of yourself. Is there any way you can contact your doctor to get the meds you need? If you are feeling better physically, it can help you. If not your doctor, perhaps, going to an urgent care doctor or the ER will help."

Its a matter of my insurance co lagging. I've moved recently and having to wait for a pre-authorization - they've been covering it for a year now. So, it's been frustrating. If I don't get it by tomorrow I'll most likely go to an urgent care.

As for blocking him from calling I've done it so many times I've lost count. I guess the only reasons why I've removed the block is guilt for abandoning him and that I started to miss him.

The "honeymoon" afterwards lasts a week at most then it's back to hell again. I've learned today that I am only a victim if I allow it. Im sure I've been a battered wife; thus in a sick cycle of going back to him. I thought I was smarter than that.  I hope for my sanity and safety I've got the strength to stay away for good.

Thank you so much for your response. I've been feeling so alone lately.

[Samuel S.]

Please ask yourself why you feel guilty for abandoning him. Please also ask yourself why you are starting to miss him. Your H has caused you much hardship while he was with you, and he is also doing the same while he is in prison.

If you so desire, I suggest that you write on a piece of paper "pros" and "cons", pros for remaining in this relationship and cons for not remaining in this relationship. Then, you can make a serious attempt and a subsequent choice as to how you wish to proceed with your life!