Suicide attempts

[Kimmom]

I haven't been on in awhile. My situation with my BPD 21 yr old daughter has gotten worse. It will be 4 years in Jan since we've had contact. She lives several states away from me. Last Oct she started spiraling downhill. She has been in and out of Mental hospitals so many times its hard to count. Luckily one of those times she met a woman who sought me out and now keeps me informed on what's going on with her. She has done several suicide attempts, but is only doing them for attention. She's been in ICU twice since May. The one in May was scary because she had overdosed and was in coherent for three days. This last time she knew what she was doing. She met some guy (twice her age) on the Internet and told him if she didn't answer to call her friend. She put chemicals in a jar in her car to get carbon monoxide poisoning. She ended up in ICU so they could watch her for 72 hours but she didn't do enough to hurt herself. She was on her phone posting on Facebook about being in the hospital. They then put her into another mental hospital but only for a couple weeks. What does it take for them to put her into a long term facility? She's going to continue to do this! I'm afraid she's going to mess up and I'm going to lose my daughter. She did it because she got kicked out of the NAMI group. She said she did nothing wrong... .But she texted one of them over 80 times. She isn't able to have any close relationships. Since this occasion the guy has stopped all conversation with her. She's lost so many people in her life. I don't know what to do... .But I don't want to lose my daughter. I've already lost my mom and sister to suicide. Now my daughter says she's the third one whose supposed to die by suicide. I want to see her... .But know if I went down there she wouldn't see me... .But in my heart I'm afraid I'll feel guilty if something happens and I didn't. I'm so lost and confused!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[AVR1962]

What would happen if you contact her? She has made 3 suicide attempts since May but the two of you have not spoke in 4 years. Was that her choice or your choice not to speak? If she knew that you were there for her do you think it would make a difference?

I have known several people to take their life and I have known several more that have attempted and have been unsuccessful who later tried again and were successful. When you feel that guilt of not reaching out to a loved one, wondering if there was anything you could have done for that person afterwards, hat is a horrible position to be in. I would encourage you to reach out to your daughter with compassion and understanding for what she is going thu right now.

[livednlearned]

Hi Kimmon,

I'm so sorry for the grief you're experiencing, and for what your D is going through. You've been through a lot, and have lost so many loved ones to suicide  :'(

Your D might refuse to see you. Still, knowing you care may be important to her, even if she rebukes any effort to make contact. Is that something you are willing to do? I remember one of the leading BPD experts say that we often change our behavior as parents when our children push us away. My son had avoidant behaviors as a child and I thought that meant he wanted distance. What experts are beginning to think (Gundersen, I believe), is that these kids need the opposite of what they profess to want. I'm not sure what that means when a child is older and suicidal. If you went to the hospital where you D is staying, what do you think the support staff would say or do? Is it worth contacting them?

My son used to lock himself in the bathroom a lot when he was younger. Even the smallest thing would set him off, like stepping on the cat's tail. I had to learn to communicate him in ways that weren't typical. When he was 9 or so, I remember rolling marbles and other small toys under the door. Eventually he would roll them back out. I took that as a sign that he felt connected to me, even if he wouldn't talk to me. Then, I started to send messages to him under the door. I could hear him opening the pieces of paper. I would put pens and crayons under the door, and sometimes, when he was ready, he would take one and draw a picture, and send it back to me.

I think our kids are so sensitive and have such a paucity of skills to communicate the intensity of their feelings. I do think that "being there" for my son, even though he didn't communicate to me in a typical way, helped him stay connected to me.

Same with letters. Your D may not agree to see you, but she may agree to read letters from you, letting her know that you're there. Her reactions probably won't be what you want, yet your presence will have some degree of comfort.

They want to be loved in spite of their behavior. It's hard to do, and important to do at the same time.

Meanwhile, take care of yourself so that you have the strength to interact with her. I became a much more effective mother when I didn't have my N/BPDx husband to care for. It became much more clear what had to happen with S14 when I had the strength, including the skills (they really are skills, and require practice) to take care of myself.

[Kimmom]

I left that part out... .I have tried to have contact with my daughter for years. She has blocked me from Facebook, her phone and won't return any letters or correspondence that I've tried for all these years. Yes I've tried and tried and tried again! She continues to block me!

[Kimmom]

I've tried contacting her at the hospitals and she refuses to talk to me. I've asked if I go down there if she'll see me and she says she doesn't want to see me. I've tried so many different ways and times and keep trying. I don't know what else to do! I love my child and know SHE IS SICK! I want to be there for her! It isn't me... .That's not willing!