My boundary: three strikes and you're out

[unicorn2014]

Cf I know he's not living with his wife and he sold his business because I ft him every day and we share locations and calendars.

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He never said his divorce was finalized , he just thought it was filed with the court.

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My ex was a sociopath, my current partner is not.

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In terms of the future if he can ever get his act together and move out here, yes we have a future together. I very much like his vision of the future. We are both creative individuals and if we had a partnership that actually worked it would allow me to fulfill dreams I had when I was a teenager. His much more suitable to me then my ex for this reason and everyone in my life agrees about that part.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

I didn't mean to say your partner is a sociopath. What I meant was that his behavior seems deceitful and that sociopaths engage in deceitful behavior and can lead women on, leading them to believe things to be true that aren't.

In my mind, your partner has told you some big whoppers and I'd be on my guard if I were you.

Another thing to keep in mind is that he told you he was planning on moving near you this fall, yet it appears that he knew his divorce was not finalized. So he was ready to move in with you while he was still married?

There are so many things that don't add up here. How could he pursue his divorce from another state?

[unicorn2014]

Cf, he would never move in with me before marriage.

Yes he was planning on remotely completely his divorce then I found out it hadn't even been filed with the court so he had to hit the brakes.

The big message I'm getting is don't mention the word divorce to him. I mentioned the article to him. That was a mistake according to the board even though he didn't dysregulate and we didn't fight . So the big thing I have to struggle with is the constant affirmations from him, the constant I miss you, I wish I were sleeping with you, I'm enjoying just being with you .

[Grey Kitty]

In terms of the future if he can ever get his act together and move out here, yes we have a future together. I very much like his vision of the future.

There is a saying that there are two days of the week on which no work can ever be done. Those are yesterday and tomorrow. The only time you can do work is today.

I think your relationship is suffering from a similar issue. Living in a future with him is horribly unsatisfying for you, because it isn't real, it doesn't exist. Yes, it might, but until then, you have to live in today.

What can you do to make today work better for you, starting by accepting things that are part of it whether you like them or not.

He isn't divorced. He may be working as hard as he can to get there. He may be doing nothing. You really can't know for sure. His answers and excuses for the delays are really lame.

At best, he won't be divorced for months. It could be years instead. And you can't know.

He isn't willing to move near you while this is all up in the air. Seems sensible to me, unlike his excuses above, but sensible or stupid, it is outside your control!

You are in a 3+ year LDR with him that could stay that way another 3 years. (Assuming you don't break up)

This is a difficult package for you... .I know it isn't what you want. I know it isn't what you thought you were signing up for. Talking about how unfair or uncomfortable it is that you got here will only distract you from the important question:

What kind of LDR do you want to build with him for months or years?

You can choose how you want to live in this period of your life.

Maybe you will be happier if you focus more of your energy on local friends, activities, trying to get yourself on track for buying a condo, etc. and less facetime with him?

It is YOUR life. You get to choose what you want in it. You get to choose where you focus your time and energy.

I'm pretty sure if your main focus is waiting for him to get divorced and move out with you, you won't be very happy with years spent that way.

[unicorn2014]

I ft him while I cook dinner.

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I hear what you are saying.

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I am involved in local activities .

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If a local man did it for me I wouldn't be in this position.

---

Also my SO is the one with the future focus, I'm the one who's trying to pull him back to the present moment.

[Grey Kitty]

Also my SO is the one with the future focus, I'm the one who's trying to pull him back to the present moment.

I'm talking about your focus, not his. Yes, perhaps you can nudge him in that direction... .but it is his choice to live in today's world and do today's work, or to try to live in a fantasy tomorrow. And you don't have much influence there either.

So as for you ... .and today ... .you keep talking about how annoying and frustrating it is to be the recipient of his love bombing.

Every day, all day  I hear I love you, I miss you, I want to be with you, I enjoy being with you, I like you, you look nice, I'm glad I know you, I wish this was over, I want to get on with my life, all his terms of endearment for me, I want to get you this, I want to get you that.

You are spending time with a guy who is trying to pull you into his fantasy world, and it isn't at all clear whether he is taking real steps to make it possible someday. And he talks about the fantasy version, the idealized version... .my take from your description... .He isn't talking about nitty gritty details or real stuff that could be a little challenging, or require effort.

Much of your today is him trying to live in a fantasy world with you. And you are grumpily participating in it, the best I can see.

And you REALLY don't sound satisfied with your life today. That is the biggest problem!

[formflier]

Also my SO is the one with the future focus, I'm the one who's trying to pull him back to the present moment.

That is his choice... .let him focus on whatever he wants to focus on. 

I would bet that if you stop trying to pull him in one direction or another... .things will go smoother.

Focus your "pulling" energy on yourself... .not him. 

FF

[formflier]

Cf I know he's not living with his wife and he sold his business because I ft him every day and we share locations and calendars.

Again... .another place to slow down and thoughtfully consider things.

How in the world does face timing him and location sharing and calendar sharing confirm anything about his business or his wife.

I would submit to you that it has very little to do with that. 

Plus... that is his stuff to sort out.  The less you can worry about it... the better.

I really think if you can focus hard on Grey Kitty's thoughts about YOUR CHOICES about what you are doing today... .and consistently do that (that being make choices about things you control)... .I think your level of happiness will skyrocket.

FF

[pallavirajsinghani]

Just a minor course correction:  

"My boundary:  three strikes and you're out"  is an ultimatum.  

"My boundary:  three strikes and I stop picking up the phone, face time etc... ." is a boundary.

[unicorn2014]

Palla, thank you, I agree!

[unicorn2014]

Grey kitty, he is dealing with the nitty gritty.

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I have my own struggles with symptoms of depression and anxiety. I need to get back to my meditation practice and my happify app.

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Part of my negative feeling is I am the parent of a teen and that is a universally difficult experience. My teen is not easy. That would be difficult even if I were married.

[unicorn2014]

FF, I have stopped criticizing him about being focused on the future.

[unicorn2014]

FF, I know where his wife lives, I know he let his employees go.

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I think the problem I need to deal with is his love bombing.

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Can we focus on that?

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Also like I said I have my own struggles with depression and anxiety and that I need to get back to my mediation practice, my happify app, and my prayer rule. The other problem is I am separated from my church right now because of my teen, so that's probably one reason I'm so unhappy, which led to this conversation in the first place.

[formflier]

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Can we focus on that?

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Also like I said I have my own struggles with depression and anxiety and that I need to get back to my mediation practice, my happify app, and my prayer rule. The other problem is I am separated from my church right now because of my teen, so that's probably one reason I'm so unhappy, which led to this conversation in the first place.

Can we focus on this... .?

Can you make choices about how you spend your time each day that dramatically increases the amount of time and focus on your daughter... .whom it is obvious that you love and care deeply about... .

And dramatically cut the amount of time that you text, call, facetime, email... or otherwise think about your LDR.

This will also free up his time to work on things he obviously needs to be working on.

Will also give him less time to love bomb you. 

Solved two problems with one solution!

FF

[unicorn2014]

FF, that's not the problem, it's not an issue of time. When we ft my daughter is present and we often solve problems together.

-

[formflier]

 

So... .what is the problem?

[unicorn2014]

FF I'm reading about the term love bombing. It's 3+ years into the r/s, that doesn't seem right.

[formflier]

FF I'm reading about the term love bombing. It's 3+ years into the r/s, that doesn't seem right.

OK... .if love bombing is the issue then it is fairly simple to solve... .IF... .taking a break from talking to him is a solution that you can choose.

If you are not willing to end a conversation, then the problem will continue.


Make it about you, offer to talk about something else.

Perhaps you can do a SET format that says you understand he misses you, but you don't want to discuss those types of things.

FF

[Grey Kitty]

I think the problem I need to deal with is his love bombing.

So "dealing" with it. What does that look like?

Step one - Identifying it and naming it.  You got this one!

Step two - Clearly figuring out what in it is yours and what is his, and keeping yourself focused on working on your side of it.

Yours -- You have a whole bunch of feelings brought up by this. The ones you describe now are negative ones; It brings up feelings of anger, betrayal, etc.

Let me ask you--is this something he's been doing since your LDR started? (Well when he's not dysregulated, at least?) I'm asking because I'm wondering if you felt differently about it earlier in the relationship?

Remember that your feelings are NEVER wrong. And that includes when they change. They are always real, always yours, always matter.

WHY he does this really is his issue, and while it is tempting to speculate and wonder and worry about it, that isn't going to help you. Try to let those thoughts go.

Step three -- Consider actions and goals that fit your values.

Changing his actions or behaviors doesn't really work. So "getting him to stop love bombing you" isn't going to work or help you.

The problem isn't that he's expressing love and affection toward you. That is a good thing, and not something you want to discourage.

The love bombing feels manipulative in this context. That is a problem, and you can work on that. (Biggest one is making sure that it isn't impacting your choices/actions toward him in a way you don't like.)

If he wasn't a pwBPD, you could tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable, perhaps sharing more of your feelings. I think you've been on the staying board long enough to know that his capacity to accept your feelings and deal with them well is very limited, and doing this requires using the best tools you can, and still may not go well... .

Perhaps the biggest problem is that when he starts into it, you find yourself stuffing your feelings and being invalidated. Being told that he loves you while feeling confused and angry at him is invalidating YOUR feelings--when you are being complimented and adored, you are supposed to feel loved and happy, and since you are feeling the opposite, your feelings must be 'wrong' That is invalidating.

Action #1: Stop him from being affectionate. (Unkind/not backed by your values)

Action #2: Share your feelings about this love bombing with him. (Unwise/ineffective. He doesn't have the emotional maturity to deal with your feelings without a LOT of effort on your part)

Action #3: Protect yourself from the invalidating conflicted feelings that this brings up. (This is almost the same as #1, except it is focused on you, not on him.)

That's what I'd try in your shoes. Work very hard at being mindful of conflicted uncomfortable feelings that are yours which come up when he's communicating with you, especially in the love bombing. And if you find this coming up, use the lightest touch you can find to stop it.

• On the phone  or facetime, start by redirecting the subject to something else; perhaps he will get the 'hint'.



• If he keeps coming back, and more importantly, your feelings about it continue to be uncomfortable, end the call



• In text chat/email, you don't have to respond at all. Perhaps delete love-bombing texts so you don't have to see them and think about them.



• Again, directing the conversation to something new may help.



• It also is completely OK to choose not to spend time with him when you aren't enjoying his company. Love bombing may be the trigger for that; Other things he do could be; Or your own feelings could be the source. It doesn't matter what the reason is--you are not required to spend time in contact with him, it is a choice on your part. Choose wisely, and if you are choosing less than he wants, make it clear that it is your choice, own it, and don't make it about him. "I don't feel like talking to you tonight"
  
  Please give yourself the freedom and power to do that any time it is right for you.



• You may need to have a conversation with him about your feelings here, using the best communication tools we have here. Save that for later, after you feel really clear, firm and comfortable with your feelings, and know what you want... .and ask us for help first!

Step four -- taking actions

Also like I said I have my own struggles with depression and anxiety and that I need to get back to my mediation practice, my happify app, and my prayer rule. The other problem is I am separated from my church right now because of my teen, so that's probably one reason I'm so unhappy, which led to this conversation in the first place.

You know you have issues like these, and know something of what you can do to cope better with them.

I'm reminded of a Zen proverb about meditation: "Meditate an hour a day. Unless you don't have time. Then meditate two hours a day."

I think that applies well about most forms of self-care like meditation--when you are stressed and need them the most, you are most likely to let them slide. It is natural, we all do it. Understand, be gentle with yourself, and do what you can. 

[unicorn2014]

FF I'm reading about the term love bombing. It's 3+ years into the r/s, that doesn't seem right.

OK... .if love bombing is the issue then it is fairly simple to solve... .IF... .taking a break from talking to him is a solution that you can choose.

If you are not willing to end a conversation, then the problem will continue.


Make it about you, offer to talk about something else.

Perhaps you can do a SET format that says you understand he misses you, but you don't want to discuss those types of things.

FF

FF what I was saying is that 3+ years into the r/s the term love bombing doesn't seem right, I think it may have to do more with the idealization phase, which I've read makes nons nervous because it means a devaluation is coming.

[unicorn2014]

Let me ask you--is this something he's been doing since your LDR started? (Well when he's not dysregulated, at least?) I'm asking because I'm wondering if you felt differently about it earlier in the relationship?

Yes and yes, I used to like it.

The love bombing feels manipulative in this context. That is a problem, and you can work on that. (Biggest one is making sure that it isn't impacting your choices/actions toward him in a way you don't like.)

I read about love bombing last night and it doesn't seem applicable here as its 3+ years into the r/s. It doesn't feel manipulative like the way a sociopath is manipulative. It feels like its expressing fear of abandonment, like he's expressing how he would like me to feel towards him and how he would like me to express myself towards him and I can't. I'm deeply angry at him for triangulating me into his marriage. To me it doesn't matter that he never "was in that marriage" as he puts it. That doesn't matter, his wife was, and she is raising hell about him being involved with me, still. I find that really demeaning and demoralizing.

If he wasn't a pwBPD, you could tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable, perhaps sharing more of your feelings. I think you've been on the staying board long enough to know that his capacity to accept your feelings and deal with them well is very limited, and doing this requires using the best tools you can, and still may not go well... .

Neither my first husband nor my current "fiancé" is someone I could express negative feelings to without repercussion. My first husband had sociopathic traits.

Perhaps the biggest problem is that when he starts into it, you find yourself stuffing your feelings and being invalidated. Being told that he loves you while feeling confused and angry at him is invalidating YOUR feelings--when you are being complimented and adored, you are supposed to feel loved and happy, and since you are feeling the opposite, your feelings must be 'wrong' That is invalidating.

Absolutely. I'm angry at him that I am stuck or caught in this LDR with a married man with no end in sight. Now don't get me wrong, when he's with me, when he's here, when he visits, I feel loved, taken care of, like nothing could go wrong and if it did he would take care of it, but to me that's false, a fantasy, an illusion. That was dependent on him staying with me in my apartment and being a part of my life. So that's probably my deepest resentment. The feelings I have with him are very real.

That's what I'd try in your shoes. Work very hard at being mindful of conflicted uncomfortable feelings that are yours which come up when he's communicating with you, especially in the love bombing. And if you find this coming up, use the lightest touch you can find to stop it.

• On the phone  or facetime, start by redirecting the subject to something else; perhaps he will get the 'hint'.



• If he keeps coming back, and more importantly, your feelings about it continue to be uncomfortable, end the call



• In text chat/email, you don't have to respond at all. Perhaps delete love-bombing texts so you don't have to see them and think about them.



• Again, directing the conversation to something new may help.



• It also is completely OK to choose not to spend time with him when you aren't enjoying his company. Love bombing may be the trigger for that; Other things he do could be; Or your own feelings could be the source. It doesn't matter what the reason is--you are not required to spend time in contact with him, it is a choice on your part. Choose wisely, and if you are choosing less than he wants, make it clear that it is your choice, own it, and don't make it about him. "I don't feel like talking to you tonight"

If I told him I didn't feel like talking to him tonight he'd totally dysregulate. The only times we've ever not talked to each other at night has been when he's been dysregulated.

• You may need to have a conversation with him about your feelings here, using the best communication tools we have here. Save that for later, after you feel really clear, firm and comfortable with your feelings, and know what you want... .and ask us for help first!

Ok, I guess that will be the next topic, this continuation of love bombing, however based on the term I don't think that would be correct in terms of a pwBPD. I think it more has to do with splitting, and the idealization feeling false because he has verbally abused me before. He denies he splits, but I do think that is the core of my struggle as a non with a pwBPD.


Thank you for your feedback grey kitty, it was very helpful. [/list]

[Grey Kitty]

It also is completely OK to choose not to spend time with him when you aren't enjoying his company. Love bombing may be the trigger for that; Other things he do could be; Or your own feelings could be the source. It doesn't matter what the reason is--you are not required to spend time in contact with him, it is a choice on your part. Choose wisely, and if you are choosing less than he wants, make it clear that it is your choice, own it, and don't make it about him. "I don't feel like talking to you tonight"

If I told him I didn't feel like talking to him tonight he'd totally dysregulate. The only times we've ever not talked to each other at night has been when he's been dysregulated.

And that, is walking on eggshells. Not being true to yourself and your feelings because you are afraid he will dysregulate.

My answer really think about how this is going... .then put your big girl panties on and allow a few eggshells to break if they've gotta.

Problem: Talking to him is making you feel cranky, confused, etc., etc.

Solution: Tell him you don't feel like talking to him.

Fear: If you tell him this he will dysregulate.

And what does the dysregulation look like?

Choice A: Hanging up on you/shutting you out. (Remember, you wanted some space from him in the first place!)

Choice B: Saying angry/abusive things to you. (Remember, if he does that, the way to protect yourself is to not talk to him!)

If you don't want to talk to him, let him dysregulate.

NOTE: Don't do this to test him, to prove something, or because you have to or should do it. Do it because it is sincerely in line with your feelings! When you really don't feel like talking to him!

Ok, I guess that will be the next topic, this continuation of love bombing, however based on the term I don't think that would be correct in terms of a pwBPD. I think it more has to do with splitting, and the idealization feeling false because he has verbally abused me before. He denies he splits, but I do think that is the core of my struggle as a non with a pwBPD.

I used the phrase love bombing to describe the affection and desire he is showering you with, as a form of "shorthand." To my mind, it fits fairly well, even if it typically is limited to the shorter infatuation phase of a relationship, and will be long gone after three years. (Aside: A LDR can keep the infatuation phase of the relationship going strong for years or even decades, only ending the honeymoon phase after it becomes a domestic/local relationship. This isn't a property of BPD relationships, it is a property of any LDR)

Please don't get too wrapped up about what to call the behavior here. What really matters is finding a healthy way for you to cope with the behavior, not the name.  Please describe it any way that works for you, shorthand or longhand. I'll follow your lead on that.

[unicorn2014]

Problem: Talking to him is making you feel cranky, confused, etc., etc.

Solution: Tell him you don't feel like talking to him.

Fear: If you tell him this he will dysregulate.

And what does the dysregulation look like?

Choice A: Hanging up on you/shutting you out. (Remember, you wanted some space from him in the first place!)

In terms of choice A, I've actually thought that before and been relieved when he has dysregulated because it gave me what I wanted: space. I think I've probably exerted a lot of effort to prevent his dysregulations and that's been exhausting. He also increased the dose of his medication that slows down his reaction time so he's overreacting less these days. I remember both a former therapist and a former dbt therapist told me I needed to let him regulate his own emotions and I was always afraid to do that, so this isn't news to me. I think now I'm finally at that point where I can allow him to dysregulate without my interference, at least I hope I'm at that point. That is the point I would like to be at anyway. 


To be honest, just thinking about him makes me cranky and confused, because when he visits  me he does make me feel loved, taken care of, safe, protected, feelings I never got from my father or my first husband. What is frustrating to me is he has a wife back home he's still not divorced from. He tells me he tells her that they're not living together and he's not financially supporting her. It upsets me that she can call him up and complain that I mailed her father, for example. I've told him many times that our relationship makes me look like the other woman and he reassures me that nobody sees me that way, but I see how people write on these boards. I am sure to the wives of this world, I am the other woman.

I used the phrase love bombing to describe the affection and desire he is showering you with, as a form of "shorthand." To my mind, it fits fairly well, even if it typically is limited to the shorter infatuation phase of a relationship, and will be long gone after three years. (Aside: A LDR can keep the infatuation phase of the relationship going strong for years or even decades, only ending the honeymoon phase after it becomes a domestic/local relationship. This isn't a property of BPD relationships, it is a property of any LDR)

Then we can use it, as long as we both understand we're not describing the sociopathic behavior.

I think what I'm getting to is the point where I would like to tell him I would like him to come see me again, knowing full well what I'm getting into, him staying with me, the impropriety of it, because when he comes to visit me we do have good times together and my life has been a really grind lately because of my 15 year old. When he comes to visit me we go out to breakfast, lunch and dinner, we go to the zoo, movies, hikes, we see my parents, we go shopping. I actually get to have fun. When he used to come to therapy with me with a former therapist, who is now his therapist,  who will be our couples therapist if he ever moves out here, used to tell us both to remember to have fun together because we're such serious people. I do miss the companionship, I really do. We're both introverts and we understand each other and we get along real well in person, except when his wife calls him wondering where he is. (That's happened before, even after she moved out. He would come and see me and not tell her. In fact that was always a big drama, when was he going to tell her he was coming to see me... .I was not writing on this board at that phase of the r/s.)

Actually writing this is making me cry.

So yeah, we've hit a nerve.

:'(

[Grey Kitty]

I used the phrase love bombing ... .

Then we can use it, as long as we both understand we're not describing the sociopathic behavior.

Understood

For the record, I never thought he was a sociopath, and I don't really consider that to be sociopathic behavior. Sociopaths breath, but breathing isn't a sociopathic behavior. 

I think what I'm getting to is the point where I would like to tell him I would like him to come see me again, knowing full well what I'm getting into, him staying with me, the impropriety of it,

... .

I actually get to have fun.

... .

Actually writing this is making me cry.

So yeah, we've hit a nerve.

:'(

 I love that you are finding the heart of this side of the issue. You are getting where you need to be to accept your life and your relationship as it is here.

I've been in one LDR and observed LDRs that people close to me were in too. Those all-to-brief in-person visits are the most joyful part of a LDR. They are what make it worth putting up with the separated time when you really want to be together. [Also a LDR thing, not a BPD thing!]

Having that next time you will be together on the schedule to look forward to really strengthens an LDR. I've got a friend who uses a countdown phone app to be able to see how many days, hours, minutes, seconds, and milliseconds until the next scheduled time together.

In terms of choice A, I've actually thought that before and been relieved when he has dysregulated because it gave me what I wanted: space. I think I've probably exerted a lot of effort to prevent his dysregulations and that's been exhausting.

Think of it this way--sometimes you really do need and want space some times. This is about you. It is a natural thing, and that need for space isn't (in itself) a sign of relationship problems. What is the healthy thing to do about it?

Ask him directly for what you need / Tell him directly that you are taking what you need?

-or-

Deny yourself what you need long enough that you get cranky and moody and push his buttons until he blows up, dysregulates, and runs away, giving you the space you need.

It is OK--you can admit that your relationship with him needs both space and closeness, at different times for different reasons. Both are real, both are important. At least admit it to yourself--talking to him about it is a bit more complicated, but there will be a time, place, and method for that too.

[flourdust]

The visits do sound like fun. I think this is one of the benefits of LDR, as well as one of the reasons that LDRs often don't survive when the distance is removed. What you describe is basically a fun vacation from life.

Can I ask why you've never visited him? Considering all the other issues with his honesty, this is a red flag.

[unicorn2014]

Flour dust because I have a 15 yo, don't have the income to travel, he now lives in the basement of his former office after selling his 4BDR and he still has a wife.

I would like to meet his family however.

He takes a vacation from his life when he comes to see me.

Grey kitty I will reply later, as I talked to him, and want to report that.

[unicorn2014]

I've been in one LDR and observed LDRs that people close to me were in too. Those all-to-brief in-person visits are the most joyful part of a LDR. They are what make it worth putting up with the separated time when you really want to be together. [Also a LDR thing, not a BPD thing!]

Having that next time you will be together on the schedule to look forward to really strengthens an LDR. I've got a friend who uses a countdown phone app to be able to see how many days, hours, minutes, seconds, and milliseconds until the next scheduled time together.

Thank you grey kitty,

After writing a response to you in my journal three times I was able to call my SO and have a conversation with him about the next time I'm going to see him. We were able to establish what is required for that to be able to happen and I was able to walk away from that conversation feeling good about it.

It is OK--you can admit that your relationship with him needs both space and closeness, at different times for different reasons. Both are real, both are important. At least admit it to yourself--talking to him about it is a bit more complicated, but there will be a time, place, and method for that too.

Thank you for this, I haven't been able to say that to him yet and I hope in the future I will be able to.

Right now I feel good that I was able to tell him what I need from him to be able to see him again and he was in agreement with that. We had a rough spot in the conversation and we were able to work through it.

-----

In terms of my original topic, I liked what palla said, instead of three strikes and you're out, three strikes and I no longer pick up phone calls, FaceTime, etc.

--

Today I was able to sit in silence on the phone for a long time with my SO until he finally asked me "are you still there?" and I told him I was waiting for him to say something to which he answered he was waiting for me to say something. In the past I would have hung up the call if there was no response, or gotten agitated, but today I was able to practice the deep breathing I learned in DBT and wait.

[unicorn2014]

Update: my SO just send me a text that said "dear, I'm very glad I know you".

I decided to write about it here first before I responded to him.

The reason he told me that is I offered to send him a copy of an email I sent to my pastor and one of the church school teachers updating them on what's going on with my daughter.

He has met both my pastor and the church school teacher.

I still feel resentment towards my SO for initiating a r/s with me while he was still married to someone else. It doesn't matter what he says to me, that resentment hasn't gone away yet. What I've learned from this board is that it will require action on his part for that resentment to go. We did come up with a working plan so we can see each other again however the resentment I feel is from the last 3 years.

This morning I was thinking about resentment, how it is said to be poison you take so someone else would die. I would like to feel resentful towards my SO wife for contesting their divorce however I learned from this board that a person can not contest a divorce that has not been filed.

I do not know what to say to my SO when he tells me he's glad he knows me.

I'm not glad at all about our situation. In fact I find it humiliating. He would say he's not glad at all about our situation either but I can not separate him from it as he is the who is married, not I.

In a totally honest world I would say I am not glad I know you, you totally distracted me for 3 years. Perhaps its enough that I simply do not respond to that text.

[Grey Kitty]

In a totally honest world I would say I am not glad I know you, you totally distracted me for 3 years. Perhaps its enough that I simply do not respond to that text.

Not responding sounds good to me!

You will need to work through your resentment over the deception and the waiting eventually. Whether you completely split with him never to contact him again, or marry him, and move in together and happily ever after in a house with a white picket fence... .or anything in between, you will need to deal with it.

However it is very hard to do so when every day is another day that he's still married to somebody else, and not making visible credible progress toward ending it. Which adds another drop of resentment.

Just like for me, after my wife had cheated, I was clear that I couldn't be in a r/s with her if she stayed in contact with the guy. I couldn't heal that wound while she was still cutting away at it.

It sounds like your feelings are still bouncing around a lot about this resentment. Give yourself some time and some emotional space from your SO around this--stay clear of discussions about his divorce for a while.

Not very long ago, you were still trying to fight him over this or force him to take action. All the associated chaos really clouded the waters, and you need (relative) time and peace to find your own stability here.

Until you find that kind of acceptance, do all you can to avoid talking to your SO about these feelings. When you talk to him about it, you will be less clear and less stable than you were before you started talking... .and that's gonna go really badly!

[unicorn2014]

However it is very hard to do so when every day is another day that he's still married to somebody else, and not making visible credible progress toward ending it. Which adds another drop of resentment.

I do feel good about our conversation today. I was able to tell him what I needed from him in order to be able to see him again and he agreed to it. This resentment I'm feeling is historical and I have to be very careful not to dip my toe into it.

Just like for me, after my wife had cheated, I was clear that I couldn't be in a r/s with her if she stayed in contact with the guy. I couldn't heal that wound while she was still cutting away at it.

That is what is so hard for me on this board. I have a feeling that some people on this board see me as the other woman. I can't live with that. It is ironic that a former therapist said my SO  was in a dead marriage and that if my SO did indeed leave his wife for me that I would get what most women in my situation dream of. I don't feel good about the fact that my SO is leaving his wife for me. The only thing that makes me feel good about that is the fact that he divorced her once before but then went back to her because he felt guilty. I have to remember that because I do feel that makes a difference.

It sounds like your feelings are still bouncing around a lot about this resentment. Give yourself some time and some emotional space from your SO around this--stay clear of discussions about his divorce for a while.

Yes they are, whatever way you cut it, he knew he was married when he started talking to me, I didn't. His wife assumed  I knew he was married,  I didn't. I had even looked him up and saw a woman's name associated with him but I thought it was his sister because he wasn't acting like he had a wife. He told me later that most people that they were brother and sister when they were out together.

Not very long ago, you were still trying to fight him over this or force him to take action. All the associated chaos really clouded the waters, and you need (relative) time and peace to find your own stability here.

I did tell him that in order for me to see him again I needed to know that he had a lawyer and he filed for divorce and he agreed to that and said he would have his lawyer send me copies of all his papers so I had them too.

Until you find that kind of acceptance, do all you can to avoid talking to your SO about these feelings. When you talk to him about it, you will be less clear and less stable than you were before you started talking... .and that's gonna go really badly!

I will heed your advice. I have my action plan in place. I told my SO what I needed from him in order to see him again and he agreed to it. I wanted him to know I did miss the time we spent together and I did want to see him again however I needed certain things to happen first. I do feel at peace with that now.