Thawing of childhood emotions

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Today, I did an art-based meditation. The themes that emerged for me were the thawing of frozen childhood emotions and death of my child-self. It has left me with a sensation that there are emotions churning away beneath the surface, so I thought I'd explore them... .

Yesterday, I saw my mum from a distance. I waved, but it was put on. I didn't want to see her. I just wanted to turn my head away. My mum hasn't done anything dreadful to me. She uses money to gain control, she manipulates situations to get her own way and has expectations around family events, but she didn't do anything dreadful to me when I was growing up. She didn't hit me or abuse me. She fed me (just enough for normal development) and kept me clean. She taught me lots of things and provided me with occupation and things to do. Her errors are probably unwitting. She's not evil. But, then again, she's not nice either. She isn't warm, she isn't loving, she is rarely encouraging and doesn't express emotions... .

What I'm getting round to saying is that she didn't do anything awful enough to warrant me hating her in the way I do. All she actually did, was fail to have any kind of meaningful interaction with me, fail to develop a bond with me, fail to show me love. There are plenty of people in this world who failed to show me love, but she's the one I can't and won't forgive. Yesterday, my ex-husband suggested that my mum and I ought to go on Jeremy Kyle. It made me think, because if we did, I think I'd be laughed off stage and get torn into for being unreasonable. Exactly what is my case against her based upon, except that she didn't love me when I wanted and needed her to and now I neither want nor need her love, I can't get rid of her?

It seems to me that it's time I let this go. I'm no longer sure whether I'm setting boundaries with her or punishing her for past mistakes. She barely has to breathe for me to be livid with her. I get angry virtually every time I have contact with her which is why I avoid her so much. There must be a way in which I can tolerate her and give her the benefit of the doubt in the same manner that I would with people I don't really know. My expectations of her are far higher than my expectations of anyone else on the planet, which is very unfair. Yet, I can feel that I want to throw an almighty tantrum. I can feel it brewing inside. And the tantrum says: 'You didn't love me!' (very accusingly) 'And because you didn't love me, you can go away. You have missed your chance.'

I feel like a little child who so wanted to crawl onto mummy's knee but instead just stood and watched from afar because crawling onto her knee was unthinkable. I feel the gulf between us where the relationship should have been, and it is empty. I am alone. I want to crawl into a corner and rock and rock and rock to feel better because there is no one to make me feel better, no one to comfort me. But, I don't because to admit it would be too much... .This emptiness has followed me through life. I feel like my entire life has revolved around the lack of love I got from my mother. Every waking thought, every decision I've made, every experience has involved this lack. She has been in my mind 100% of the time. She has affected every aspect of my life. It has been ruined because her opinion of me and feeling towards me has been so important that nothing else has mattered enough or been powerful enough to displace her.

Lifewriter

x

[Lifewriter16]

Today, I did an art-based meditation. The themes that emerged for me were the thawing of frozen childhood emotions and death of my child-self. It has left me with a sensation that there are emotions churning away beneath the surface, so I thought I'd explore them... .

Yesterday, I saw my mum from a distance. I waved, but it was put on. I didn't want to see her. I just wanted to turn my head away. My mum hasn't done anything dreadful to me. She uses money to gain control, she manipulates situations to get her own way and has expectations around family events, but she didn't do anything dreadful to me when I was growing up. She didn't hit me or abuse me. She fed me (just enough for normal development) and kept me clean. She taught me lots of things and provided me with occupation and things to do. Her errors are probably unwitting. She's not evil. But, then again, she's not nice either. She isn't warm, she isn't loving, she is rarely encouraging and doesn't express emotions... .

What I'm getting round to saying is that she didn't do anything awful enough to warrant me hating her in the way I do. All she actually did, was fail to have any kind of meaningful interaction with me, fail to develop a bond with me, fail to show me love. There are plenty of people in this world who failed to show me love, but she's the one I can't and won't forgive. Yesterday, my ex-husband suggested that my mum and I ought to go on Jeremy Kyle. It made me think, because if we did, I think I'd be laughed off stage and get torn into for being unreasonable. Exactly what is my case against her based upon, except that she didn't love me when I wanted and needed her to and now I neither want nor need her love, I can't get rid of her?

It seems to me that it's time I let this go. I'm no longer sure whether I'm setting boundaries with her or punishing her for past mistakes. She barely has to breathe for me to be livid with her. I get angry virtually every time I have contact with her which is why I avoid her so much. There must be a way in which I can tolerate her and give her the benefit of the doubt in the same manner that I would with people I don't really know. My expectations of her are far higher than my expectations of anyone else on the planet, which is very unfair. Yet, I can feel that I want to throw an almighty tantrum. I can feel it brewing inside. And the tantrum says: 'You didn't love me!' (very accusingly) 'And because you didn't love me, you can go away. You have missed your chance.'

I feel like a little child who so wanted to crawl onto mummy's knee but instead just stood and watched from afar because crawling onto her knee was unthinkable. I feel the gulf between us where the relationship should have been, and it is empty. I am alone. I want to crawl into a corner and rock and rock and rock to feel better because there is no one to make me feel better, no one to comfort me. But, I don't because to admit it would be too much... .This emptiness has followed me through life. I feel like my entire life has revolved around the lack of love I got from my mother. Every waking thought, every decision I've made, every experience has involved this lack. She has been in my mind 100% of the time. She has affected every aspect of my life. It has been ruined because her opinion of me and feeling towards me has been so important that nothing else has mattered enough or been powerful enough to displace her.

Lifewriter

x

[Eyeamme]

All I can offer is a virtual hug.

:--)


J.

[cloudten]

I think you and i are both exploring these isssues we have with our mothers.

I absolutely understand what you are saying about veing triggered by her and holding her to higher expectations. I do that with my own mom. She has a way of instantly pushing my buttons without trying. I completely understand how you feel and am trying to navigate these feelings myself.

Your insights are very intriguing to me as i consider the same for myself. I do feel that the key to healing and having more successful and healthy relationships is unlocking the hurt and issues that exist with our mothers and healing that wound. I think like my friend told me, its not about spending time with them, but its about healing the relationships within ourselves. I am not really sure how to do that yet, but establishing the issues is just the first step.

My mother didn't do anything horrid to me either. She didnt abuse me. She didnt neglect me physically. She neglected me emotionally. She was void of affection and attention. She wasnt nurturing.

I think there will ultimately be a component of forgiveness in all of this. Forgiveness is about self, not about the other person. Forgiveness happens every day, not simply a single time.

I hear you. I am on this journey too.  I dont love my mother. I dont want to love my mother. But somehow i am aware it is the key to becoming a healthy person that is capable of healthy relationships and breaking the pattern.

Keep posting! I am happy to know what you learn about yourself as it helps me self discover too.

[eeks]

Yet, I can feel that I want to throw an almighty tantrum. I can feel it brewing inside. And the tantrum says: 'You didn't love me!' (very accusingly) 'And because you didn't love me, you can go away. You have missed your chance.'

I feel like a little child who so wanted to crawl onto mummy's knee but instead just stood and watched from afar because crawling onto her knee was unthinkable. I feel the gulf between us where the relationship should have been, and it is empty. I am alone.

I thought of a possibility about what might be going on for you here.  It appears to me that it's challenging for you to accept your own desire for your mother's attention, attunement and comfort.  And I was wondering whether the responses in yourself to your own emotions, "She didn't do anything to me that was that dreadful", "she didn't do anything awful enough to warrant me hating her", are rationalizations functioning as an internal "trip wire", as a self-protection, preventing you from feeling anger and protest that would have been forbidden to express in your FOO. 

Some aspects of the emotional "tone" of your upbringing are similar to those of how my mother was raised by her parents, although many details are different.  I believe this is how my mother deals with her own strong emotions:  at times when she wasn't allowed to complain or advocate for herself, she learned to rationalize it to herself, either through "sour grapes" (oh, it wasn't that important anyway), saying "that's just how life is", or framing her sacrifice as somehow ethical or virtuous.

I remember you writing at one time that the mentality in your FOO about suffering was that someone, somewhere always had it worse.  I don't recall you being allowed to complain about unmet needs and at least being heard, even if there isn't a possibility for the circumstances to be changed based on your complaint.  I'm wondering if you have a survival pattern of discounting your own needs by feeling shame that "shuts down" any advocacy you might otherwise have done for yourself, because even asking let alone trying to negotiate against disagreement was too dangerous.

I'd like to make a suggestion to you, to notice the difference between feeling anger and hatred, and taking reactive action based on anger and hatred.  And to begin to practice thinking about emotions, in and of themselves, as life-giving forces with important information about who you are and what you need. 

You can try it with me if you like.  Just feel the anger and the hate.  Let it expand in you to whatever its full size is.  Try not to get caught up in the details of the relationship with your mother that are associated with these feelings... .just feel the raw sensations of the emotions.  Now, is anything bad happening because you are feeling these feelings?  You haven't acted on them.  They most likely won't last forever.  Is there any harm caused by just feeling the feelings?

I'm not going to suggest any of those cliche "hit pillows with a tennis racket" exercises right now, because I'm thinking the issue for you is about your capacity to feel and "hold" the emotion. 

[Lifewriter16]

Hi eeks,

A few thoughts that come to mind from your post:

I can not connect with my need for comfort from my mother, as you rightly suggest.

I also think you're right about the trip wire, though I believe it's main function is to prevent me from feeling sadness. If I have no need of her, no right to receive nurture and caring, no reasonable expectation of it, then I have no need or right to grieve over it's lack. By this, I prevent myself from feeling even rudimentary sadness. This is the block I must traverse.

Having said that, I think you are right that I can not hold anger and react to it instead. I began swearing at my mother as a teenager and have been intermittently unpleasant to her ever since as I have swung between trying to improve our relationship to wanting to punish her for it. I really struggled with my anger with my BPDxbf and that caused as many problems between us as his actions did. When I was hurt, I withheld from him, pushed him away or told him it was over (poor b*st*rd). I found it really difficult to figure out what I was feeling, let alone figure out what I needed as a result. Asking for my needs to be met is still a long way off. I don't honestly think I know what my needs are, though I can ask my ex-husband for a hug when I feel emotions sloshing around.


In my FOO, the instruction was: 'Those who ask don't get!' My mum was brought up with the instruction that if she wanted another cake, she had to offer it to everyone else first and that only if she was offered it in return, was she allowed to have it. There's a lot of withholding and deprivation in my FOO.

I did occasionally try to disagree as a child, to be met with: 'Because I say so!' rather than a reasoned response. I do the same myself when I don't have a good reason for the restrictions I am placing on my children. They don't let me get away with it quite so easily though.

I shall reflect upon what you've said, eeks and also see if I can figure out what it is that I need today, given that it is my birthday. HOORAY!

Love Lifewriter

[Grey Kitty]

What I'm getting round to saying is that she didn't do anything awful enough to warrant me hating her in the way I do. All she actually did, was fail to have any kind of meaningful interaction with me, fail to develop a bond with me, fail to show me love. There are plenty of people in this world who failed to show me love, but she's the one I can't and won't forgive.

... .

I feel like a little child who so wanted to crawl onto mummy's knee but instead just stood and watched from afar because crawling onto her knee was unthinkable.

 Reading that makes me just want to hold you and hug you. It is heartbreaking what you are doing to yourself in this.

The Buddha is credited with saying "In comparison lies madness."

If you compare yourself to people who were physically or sexually abused and neglected by their parents, it won't help you. Yes, it is true that what their parent did was clearly worse than what yours did. And it will just hurt you to make that comparison.

Your path to freedom and forgiveness is to start by accepting that your treatment was abusive and neglectful. Really feel how it hurt you. Imagine how it would have felt to get the kind of love and acceptance from your mother from somebody else. There is a lot to grieve and a whole range of powerful feelings you're going to find there. Let those feelings happen.

In my FOO, the instruction was: 'Those who ask don't get!' My mum was brought up with the instruction that if she wanted another cake, she had to offer it to everyone else first and that only if she was offered it in return, was she allowed to have it. There's a lot of withholding and deprivation in my FOO.

You can accept that your mum was damaged herself, and that she did the best she could for you. I'm sure that is true, no matter how insufficient her "best" was for you, and no matter what damage it did to you.

Don't invalidate your own feelings from this. It is very easy to tell yourself that because she didn't intend to do this to you, you aren't allowed to feel negative about her over it.

Having said that, I think you are right that I can not hold anger and react to it instead. I began swearing at my mother as a teenager and have been intermittently unpleasant to her ever since as I have swung between trying to improve our relationship to wanting to punish her for it. I really struggled with my anger with my BPDxbf and that caused as many problems between us as his actions did. When I was hurt, I withheld from him, pushed him away or told him it was over (poor b*st*rd). I found it really difficult to figure out what I was feeling, let alone figure out what I needed as a result. Asking for my needs to be met is still a long way off. I don't honestly think I know what my needs are, though I can ask my ex-husband for a hug when I feel emotions sloshing around.

Bingo--allowing your feelings to be without needing to react driven by them! It won't fix the feelings. It won't fix the past. It will stop you from making a whole 'nuther mess you need to live with!

I also think you're right about the trip wire, though I believe it's main function is to prevent me from feeling sadness. If I have no need of her, no right to receive nurture and caring, no reasonable expectation of it, then I have no need or right to grieve over it's lack. By this, I prevent myself from feeling even rudimentary sadness. This is the block I must traverse.

Yes, another good insight. Anger really is a secondary emotion. It comes up to protect you from feeling a primary emotion (like sadness) that you aren't ready to cope with yet. Accept that--if the anger comes up, feel it. (Instead of getting lost in it and making a bigger mess of your life, like telling your BPDexbf it is over... .)

As you practice and build the capacity to feel your anger, your strength will grow. You will be more likely to be able to feel the sadness next, instead of the anger. I think of it as the anger protecting you from sadness you aren't ready to cope with yet. When you are ready to feel it, your mind won't need to do that.

[Lifewriter16]

Grey Kitty - Thanks for your thoughtful response. It's easier to see my situation when it is presented to me through someone else's eyes. Actually, it is triggering a bit of sadness. Not quite sure when I'll feel ready to express it though.

Lifewriter x

[Grey Kitty]

Actually, it is triggering a bit of sadness. Not quite sure when I'll feel ready to express it though.

 I understand. My parents are very good people, and I was raised in a more functional, more stable family than you were. Yet there were still gaps. And they must be terrible ones, as I'm approaching 50, and still trying to figure out how to address them in myself. The details don't apply. Honestly, I'm still figuring out what about it does matter to me.

What does matter is the sadness. This is something you feel, more than understanding it. Sometimes words really don't seem to cover it well anyhow.

You are doing good, difficult, and subtle work. Allow it time.

[Lifewriter16]

I'm feeling much more sad today and I think it's to do with my mother.

Mum has announced that we won't be seeing them at Christmas because they are going away. That saves me from the uncomfortable experience of having them round on Christmas Eve and in many ways, it's what I have been wanting - for her to leave me alone. So, why do I feel so sad now she's doing that?

I think it's the fear of losing her completely. Yet I never really had her anyway. It's the finality of it. I can't imagine her not being there. Yet, I can't honestly say she's been there for me, but I hoped for it. Perhaps it's that hope that's dying. Surely, this is the point I have been working to reach? Yet, now I am here, I half want to scuttle back to her for shelter. If only there was shelter to be had.

Lifewriter

[cloudten]

Hello Lifewriter,

That desire to scuttle back to your mother for comfort and nurturing is completely normal and natural. Its what every child expects from their mother, nurturing love and care. I think you are quite justified in your feelings. I know it is disappointing to have a mother who cannot give you the comfort you need.

I think the biggest obstacle is overcoming the expectations that your mother will be any different than she is. She will never change, but you can change your expectations. She will never give you that comfort your inner child needs. For that comfort, you will need to grieve the fact your mother was not a nurturing mother. Then accept her for the way she is. And turn to your inner mother for the comfort you cannot get from her. We all have an inner mother we can turn to... .one that comforts us and loves us unconditionally... .one that meets or exceeds our expectations... .and that is where you need to turn to.

Accepting that our mothers failed us is a huge part of this process. Realizing they cannot be more than what they are is huge.

I have let go of a majority of the expectations i had from my mother. I am now expecting her to be the narcissist she is... .mean, uncaring, un-nurturing, self-centered, irrational, and at times cold. Since i have now adjusted my expectations and accept that is how she is... .i feel less disappointed. I hope this all makes sense.

[cloudten]

I guess another way to put it i that i am emotionally detaching from needing her. I have realized she is not a reliable source of love and comfort.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi cloudten,

I get what you're saying. I think I am in a different place though. I emotionally detached from my own mother at such an early age that I feel that I need to learn to get in touch with my primal need for 'mother'. I don't remember ever having any feelings towards my actual mother. I don't remember ever having any inclination to seek her out for comfort, but I must have had that at some point. There must be a wounded baby inside... .if I can find her and allow her to express herself, I can heal and let go.

Love Lifewriter

[cloudten]

Ah i see. That is very deep indeed. I wonder if something like hypnosis would help you understand what happened... .if that matters to you.

In a book i read recently... .it did recommend getting in touch with your inner child several different ways... .one of which was talking with your inner child, possibly  "doll therapy", and another way was EMDR. I don't know much about EMDR so i cannot speak to that. But the point is to accept and grieve what you didn't have, in part by figuring out what you didn't have at various stages of your childhood by discussing it with the child version of yourself.

Question: is it that you never felt ANY feelings toward your mother and were completely apathetic? Or is it that you never had any positive feelings for your mother... .and only neutral or negative? 

I can honestly say i never remember having a single positive memory of my mother- not even now. When she talks its like razor blades on my soul.

I completely understand what you are saying... .i don't believe i have ever felt anything but meanness from my mother and i cannot say i have ever loved her. I do not remember seeking her out for comfort because somewhere at an early age i must have understood that she wasnt an adequate source of comfort. From my earliest memory, i always told myself that i never wanted to be like my mother... .i have carried that into adulthood.

Do you remember your childhood well?

One thing my sister and i have realized is that neither of us remember our childhood much. We dont have fun stories. Maybe we didnt have fun... .or maybe we repressed the memory... .or maybe its both.

I do think a big key to this is getting in touch with the inner child. A therapist may be able to help you with this more specifically.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi cloudten,

Your childhood sounds pretty bleak. I am sad for you. I do relate to what you are describing. I suspect I must have had positive feelings for my mother at some point, but they've become overlaid by all the resentment from the control and manipulation she's so expert at.

I think you're completely right though, the key is being safe enough to connect with the baby me. I can connect with my 5 year old inner child reasonably well, but accessing emotions before that time is more problematic. I think it's like peeling an onion though, I have gradually been peeling back the memories and unresolved emotions to reveal the core pain that underlies it. I will get there when I feel safe enough... .

Thanks for posting. I do appreciate it.

Lifewriter x

[cloudten]

Is there a reason you don't feel safe connecting with your inner child?

[Lifewriter16]

That's a jolly good question, cloudten.

I don't know the answer to that. I suspect it's because I feel I need to be with someone to do it because I am scared the emotions could be overwhelming, and so I need to find a safe person. Perhaps I don't need to be with someone to do it at all. And perhaps the emotions won't be overwhelming either. I've always been frightened of my emotions.

Lifewriter x

[cloudten]

That's a jolly good question, cloudten.

I don't know the answer to that. I suspect it's because I feel I need to be with someone to do it because I am scared the emotions could be overwhelming, and so I need to find a safe person. Perhaps I don't need to be with someone to do it at all. And perhaps the emotions won't be overwhelming either. I've always been frightened of my emotions.

Lifewriter x

Well there is something to explore for sure---- why do you need someone (a safe person) to have a dialogue with your inner child? Ironically, I think the safest place is with your inner child. Your inner child cannot abandon you, and you will always have empathy for the child because you understand the child. The emotions may be overwhelming. I suppose this is what I am using my therapist for... .to help me through the emotions. It is not fair to burden my friends, my child, or my parents.

I won't lie, the emotions are overwhelming, but this is where the most progress is happening in my recovery. Where I am digging in with my relationship with my mother, is where my healing is really starting to take shape.  It feels so heavy, but in time, working through it, it's getting lighter. I have empathy and compassion for my mother- regardless of whether she deserves it. This has only happened in the last week or two. And I was right, there has been a certain component of forgiveness to it. Forgiveness is for me, not for her.

I feel like I couldn't dig into these emotions if I was in a relationship with someone. I truly feel that it would be a crutch and a distraction that I don't want right now. Right now as I try to heal the maternal wound, I don't want distractions.

What do you think are your primary issues with your mother?

[Lifewriter16]

Hi cloudten,

It sounds like you are making some massive steps forward in your healing process. Somehow, it is a consolation to know that you are making a similar journey, because this deep healing work feels like something many people don't understand.

What do you think are your primary issues with your mother?

That's a hard question so I'm just going to throw some things out there and see where I end up.

• I get irritated by the very thought of her and even more aggravated if I have to interact with her. I have a lasting legacy of pain, an inability to move on. I've been stuck hating her for years and it's not doing me any good. I have a big need to forgive her and move on.



• I want to know why. Why did she treat me how she did? Why was she so down on me and not my brothers?



• I want to know whether she loved me or not? Why couldn't she love me or show me that she loved me? Did she hate me? I have an ongoing and deep seated belief that I am unlovable and unwanted and it's prevented me from accepting love ever since but I don't want to live the rest of my life handicapped in this way.



• I want to know if she deliberately difficult, controlling and manipulative and to figure out how I can cope with her the way she is because I feel frustrated and helpless around her, helpless to set boundaries because she miscontrues what I say either willfully or otherwise. I feel like I'm banging my head on a brick wall getting through to her.



• I wanted to be special to her, to be cuddled. I needed eye contact and to be crooned over and talked to, but I didn't get any of that. I needed emotional attention, I got physical caretaking but that wasn't consistent. I was simply left to sit in my pram.

Those are for starters... .

Thanks cloudten.

Lifewriter x

[eeks]

Hi Lifewriter,

www.psychosynthesispaloalto.com/pdfs/OpenInnerChild.pdf

"It thus seems clear that working with authentic personality is not only an intrapersonal process, but a profoundly interpersonal one. We were wounded in interpersonal relationships, and we need to be healed in them as well. You and your child need the support of empathic others as you begin to heal your relationship. Whether friends, family, self-help groups, or therapy, there needs to be a healthy holding environment for healing to

take place. Such new unifying centers facilitate the inclusion of the child in one’s life, and eventually lead towards the formation of internal unifying centers which support the continuous and stable unfolding of authentic personality."

[Lifewriter16]

Thanks eeks, I shall look at that and I do take your point.

I register that you think I would benefit from some one-to-one therapeutic help. I agree with you. I have already had discussions with an AS specialist counsellor. As a result of those discussions, she is in the process of negotiating with an NHS accredited specialist autism service with the desired outcome being them subcontracting work to her where they can't provide the service themselves due to clash of interests (i.e. me and the others that follow me, because that service has only 1 counsellor and she is counselling my ex-husband at present). Their director has agreed in principle to the arrangement. It is with their legal department who are checking it out with the NHS who pay for the services. It's been going on since April, but it is in the pipeline.

Lifewriter x