Overcoming perfectionism and (false) core beliefs

[Depression = 72% of members]

 

I've been working offline a lot with my therapist. Time to come back with an update. Short recap--uNPDf, uBPDm. I'm in less contact with them now than before because they moved 1000 miles away, which has been good and bad. I'm closer to my dad, and for a variety of reasons, have decided NC not really an option. But reduced contact has been good. 

As the daughter of uBPDm, I became a perfectionist to try and fly under the radar, people please, stay in her "good" column. I'm sure many can relate. Lately, I've been feeling AWFUL. Like everything I do is wrong, I feel bad all the time, I'm a bad person, lots of negative self talk. Just really beating myself up. Back to self care and reframing, but more than usual. It's partly happening because work has been particularly busy and we're learning a new computer program. I'm tired due to long hours and making mistakes as I learn my way around the new system. All natural stuff for the circumstances, but in my perfectionist world, it's a catastrophe. Then, my uBPDm came to visit. It was beyond stressful. Nothing particularly awful happened (there were some odd moments). She was fairly well behaved, but in waif mode. She also revised a lot of history which is frustrating. She required lots of encouragement, approval, while I'm completely spent. I hate having to manage our relationship and the role reversal where I parent her was the last straw on my tired, overwhelmed back.

My therapist asked me: Do you know your mother loves you?

After a long pause, I realized I don’t believe she does.

That was a belief I did not know I held.

After therapy, the *boom* thoughts that followed: The belief that she doesn't love me means I'm not a good daughter. Or a good person in general. She is my mother after all, if she doesn't love me, what does that say about me?  I don't just have to prove to my mother that I am worthy of love, I have to prove to everyone I am good and worthy of love. If my mother doesn't even love me, how can anyone love me or see my goodness? Boom. Heavy chest. I sat with that a few days. Crazy to discover those beliefs were hiding underneath. I know they are beliefs and not true. I'm shining light on those beliefs and making room for truth. I can kind of feel the start of letting go. The START. No wonder I feel like crap with a core belief like that.

[busybee1116]

 

I've been working offline a lot with my therapist. Time to come back with an update. Short recap--uNPDf, uBPDm. I'm in less contact with them now than before because they moved 1000 miles away, which has been good and bad. I'm closer to my dad, and for a variety of reasons, have decided NC not really an option. But reduced contact has been good. 

As the daughter of uBPDm, I became a perfectionist to try and fly under the radar, people please, stay in her "good" column. I'm sure many can relate. Lately, I've been feeling AWFUL. Like everything I do is wrong, I feel bad all the time, I'm a bad person, lots of negative self talk. Just really beating myself up. Back to self care and reframing, but more than usual. It's partly happening because work has been particularly busy and we're learning a new computer program. I'm tired due to long hours and making mistakes as I learn my way around the new system. All natural stuff for the circumstances, but in my perfectionist world, it's a catastrophe. Then, my uBPDm came to visit. It was beyond stressful. Nothing particularly awful happened (there were some odd moments). She was fairly well behaved, but in waif mode. She also revised a lot of history which is frustrating. She required lots of encouragement, approval, while I'm completely spent. I hate having to manage our relationship and the role reversal where I parent her was the last straw on my tired, overwhelmed back.

My therapist asked me: Do you know your mother loves you?

After a long pause, I realized I don’t believe she does.

That was a belief I did not know I held.

After therapy, the *boom* thoughts that followed: The belief that she doesn't love me means I'm not a good daughter. Or a good person in general. She is my mother after all, if she doesn't love me, what does that say about me?  I don't just have to prove to my mother that I am worthy of love, I have to prove to everyone I am good and worthy of love. If my mother doesn't even love me, how can anyone love me or see my goodness? Boom. Heavy chest. I sat with that a few days. Crazy to discover those beliefs were hiding underneath. I know they are beliefs and not true. I'm shining light on those beliefs and making room for truth. I can kind of feel the start of letting go. The START. No wonder I feel like crap with a core belief like that.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey busy bee, Why not start from the premise that you are worthy and deserving, just the way you are?   You were born that way.  Suggest you stop looking to others to prove your worth and value.  You already are perfect, perfectly who you are.  No need to source your worth from the outside; instead, look within.

LuckyJim

[busybee1116]

Exactly Jim! That was my whole point. This was a big breakthrough for me as to why I have not been able to see myself as enough, and believe it. 

[eeks]

Hi busybee,

Any further reflections or shifts on what you've discovered around this dynamic with your mother, and the consequent perfectionistic thoughts and behaviours?

Both my grandfathers likely had narcissistic traits or NPD, so I am dealing with it secondhand, but severe perfectionism is definitely a "survival strategy" in my family lineage, so I do relate.  For me, it's not so much "I need to be perfect", but "I need to be perfect in order to be allowed to have emotional intimacy with others".  Or, to put it differently, "Mistakes end relationships".  This makes sense, because as an older child and teenager if anytime I made a mistake my parents felt scared or anxious, or I was criticized, or I was ordered to apologize without anyone empathizing with the needs I was doing my best to meet, etc., then the "script" that plays out is indeed one of feeling pushed away instead of drawn close.  That is, there isn't an experience leading to an implicit belief that "I can stay close to the people I care about, maintaining connection with them even if I make a mistake".

I generally still believe that despite much present evidence to the contrary.  For that reason, I find that identifying beliefs is necessary but not sufficient.  So I will ask myself questions like "OK, so what if I actually did take seriously those people who seem to enjoy my company?" Asking it that way makes me realize how much truly embracing that would turn my life upside down.   

That's why I'm asking how it's going now, after sitting with this shift for a while.  These things can run deeper than we realize, which makes it more challenging, but also leading to more profound change in the end.

eeks

[busybee1116]

Interesting. I think for me, it's helped me identify one more of the tape recordings I have in my head. I can now press stop. It's not a new thing for me to realize I still look to my parents for approval, but for whatever reason, this sequence of thoughts seemed to click,   help me see a bigger picture. I think I will struggle with this the rest of my life. But I feel like I'm observing more than reacting.

Another funny thing that came of us this-- I was reflecting on how crazy it was that I don't believe my own mother loves me, what that says about me – – even Jeffrey Dahmer's mother showed up at his trial.  A monster. A serial killer. Such a ludicrous thought that it made me laugh, somehow I'm worse than Jeffrey Dahmer. So the next thought – – what kind of mother raises a kid like Jeffrey Dahmer?  I looked up Jeffrey Dahmer's mother.  Sounds like she had BPD! From Wikipedia

Although Dahmer was doted upon as an infant and toddler by both parents, his mother was known to be tense, greedy for attention, and argumentative with both her husband and her neighbors.[5] As her son entered first grade, Joyce Dahmer began to spend an increasing amount of her time in bed recovering from weakness. Lionel's university studies kept him away from home much of the time; when he was home, Joyce demanded constant attention. She reportedly would work herself into a state of anxiety over trivial matters simply to achieve appeasement from her husband. On one occasion, Joyce Dahmer attempted suicide from an overdose of the Equanil pills to which she had become addicted.[8] Consequently, neither parent devoted much time to their son.[9] Dahmer himself recalled his early years of family life as being of "extreme tension" which he noted between his parents, whom he observed to be constantly arguing with each other... .

Somehow this makes me feel better. Sometimes  taking a belief and questioning it to a  ridiculous conclusion has helped me undo it.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey busybee-

And you have been a busy bee BTW, and good for you!

-The belief that she doesn't love me means I'm not a good daughter.

-Or a good person in general.

-She is my mother after all, if she doesn't love me, what does that say about me?  

-I don't just have to prove to my mother that I am worthy of love, I have to prove to everyone I am good and worthy of love.

-If my mother doesn't even love me, how can anyone love me or see my goodness?

I know they are beliefs and not true. I'm shining light on those beliefs and making room for truth.

Very good work identifying disempowering beliefs BB.  LuckyJim suggested some alternative beliefs, and can you take it a step further and come up with alternative beliefs for each of yours individually?  And if we hold a belief strongly enough, even if we don't know it, it is 100% true to us, and if we have other beliefs that contradict them we have a belief conflict, leaves us spinning around in circles, not moving forward with an empowered life.  So there's motivation for focusing on a belief, finding an empowering alternative, and obliterating the old belief with it; beliefs are like software, they're not the computer, and doing a software upgrade can change our entire lives.  And that in itself is a belief.

I think for me, it's helped me identify one more of the tape recordings I have in my head. I can now press stop.

And there's the analog equivalent of my digital metaphor.  So how about, instead of pressing stop, you press rewind and then record, and record over the old belief with an empowering one?

So take one:

I don't just have to prove to my mother that I am worthy of love, I have to prove to everyone I am good and worthy of love.

Not putting words in your head, but you could say "I love myself.  I love myself so much that it comes out everywhere, gets all over everything.  Not everyone will reciprocate though, and that's OK, because I'm going to spend all of my energy on those who do."  Or whatever works for you.

And then, instead of sitting in front of a computer reading that and thinking about it, get active.  Emotion is created by motion, and things we learn in a heightened emotional state stick with us strongly.  So go for a brisk walk or run, jump up and down, whatever, just get physically fired up while focusing on and reciting the new belief.  Get fired up about it!  That's the way to install a new, replacement, empowering belief, it just takes energy and repetition.

I think I will struggle with this the rest of my life.

And there's another belief.  What if that wasn't true?  What if with a little work and focus you could obliterate disempowering beliefs forever?  And believing that is its own belief, available as our truth if we say so.

Sidebar:  Ever try this?  Look at yourself in the mirror, into your own eyes, and say "I love you" with all of the conviction you would someone else whom you love.  If you've never done it before it will feel weird at first, but really go there, and watch the reaction in your reflection's eyes as you do it, profound if you commit, it'll leave you feeling all warm inside.  Or stuff that needs to be processed will come up. which is a good thing, and then back to the mirror, enough to create a lightness and warmth that is undeniable, and then take that out into the world and see what happens, or not, it's yours to keep, regardless.  All the love we need is within us now.

Take care of you!

[busybee1116]

fromheeltoheal: thanks for your reply! Way ahead of you. I have several mantras I say when I identify various beliefs coming up. They help. I also agree that motion helps. I imagine "sweating out" some of my anger, sadness, loneliness etc too. It works! As for the struggle rest of my life comment, to me that's freeing. I used to think I had to let go now or somehow I was failing by not getting over this at some rapid pace. I give myself permission to go slow and figure it out. The possibility exists that I will someday let go totally.

[fromheeltoheal]

fromheeltoheal: thanks for your reply! Way ahead of you. I have several mantras I say when I identify various beliefs coming up. They help. I also agree that motion helps. I imagine "sweating out" some of my anger, sadness, loneliness etc too. It works! As for the struggle rest of my life comment, to me that's freeing. I used to think I had to let go now or somehow I was failing by not getting over this at some rapid pace. I give myself permission to go slow and figure it out. The possibility exists that I will someday let go totally.

You're on it BB!  Good for you, and others reading this can get value too; life is either something that happens to us or it's something we design and create.