Feeling such anxiety-

[daughterandmom]

I have been reading a lot lately. Mostly books recomended on here to me by various members as well as some articles online. Mostly about childhood trauma and sexual abuse. I started reading The Body Keeps the Score and The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse. When I try to read these I am having real bouts of panic/anxiety. I don't know what to make of it. On one hand I feel dumb for having the problems I ordered the books for in the first place- the more I read the more it seems like nearly every living person has had childhood trauma. If not from dysfunctional parent of some sort, then from some other factor.

Is there really anyone out there who truly had a stable upbringing that they felt safe enough in to truly grow and mature "normally"?

Why do I alternate between feeling like no one has ever understood how I felt growing up (until I found this site that is) and then feel like everyone has had a far worse set of circumstances than me and I am wasting everyone's time including my therapist's whining about myself.

And, when I read the books it brings tears to my eyes and such anxiety to my chest when nearly every weird physical thing I have always thought is just me is mentioned. The not knowing where your body starts and stops. Being uncoodinated and clumsy and not able to do physical things and play like the other kids. The tight muscles. The not feeling in my body and the absence of emotions except anxiety and numbness.

All this is me and I feel like the books are for me and going to help. Then I read the stories. The women that feel rage, feel like they have been victimized. Were put down, bullied, beaten by their parents. I just don't know. I feel like a fraud.

I am having such anxiety as I write this, but it's all physical. I can't connect it with what exactly is bothering me, can't find a way to work it through.

Excuse the rant. I just thought maybe writing it down would help. Thank you all for the existance of this board

[Kwamina]

Hi daughterandmom  

Why do I alternate between feeling like no one has ever understood how I felt growing up (until I found this site that is) and then feel like everyone has had a far worse set of circumstances than me and I am wasting everyone's time including my therapist's whining about myself.

... .

All this is me and I feel like the books are for me and going to help. Then I read the stories. The women that feel rage, feel like they have been victimized. Were put down, bullied, beaten by their parents. I just don't know. I feel like a fraud.

Could it perhaps be that you were taught to minimize your own feelings and experiences when you were a child? Based on your posts, it seems clear to me that you were subjected to some serious abuse as a child, yet I know also from your posts that your mother behaved as if it was 'normal'. Could it perhaps be that you've internalized this distorted message of 'normalcy' conveyed to you by your mother?

Can you describe the exact thoughts that go through your mind when you 'feel like a fraud'? Perhaps you can benefit from our thread about dealing with automatic negative thoughts:

Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice

[Harri]

Hi daughterandmom.     So much of what you posted resonates.  When I first started reading about incest/sexual abuse, sometimes I had to put the book down after reading just a short paragraph.  I still need to be careful with my reading and I have to make sure I take breaks otherwise I go deep into my numb/foggy/stupid mode where I feel like I am out of phase with the rest of the world. 

Your world has basically been turned upside down so a lot of what you are feeling is what I would expect to hear given the realizations you have had about your childhood.  I know that does not make it any easier to deal with, but maybe knowing that your response is perfectly normal or expected might help a bit?  It will pass and you will be able to manage some of your reactions and feelings as time goes on.  Don't forget to breathe.  Everyone used to tell me that and I used to think what the heck is breathing going to do for me?  I mean obviously I am breathing otherwise I would be passed out or dead right?  Well, when i get stressed, scared, or my PTSD gets a bit haywire, I hold my breath or I breathe very shallowly.  Lightbulb moment for me--->  oxygen is important for emotional health as well!   

Why do I alternate between feeling like no one has ever understood how I felt growing up (until I found this site that is) and then feel like everyone has had a far worse set of circumstances than me and I am wasting everyone's time including my therapist's whining about myself.

  Daughterandmom, your circumstances were abusive.  When the abuse is covert, and such a normal part of daily life it is almost impossible to see and define.  You grew up in that environment and knew nothing else.  To you, it is normal so it makes sense that you do not recognize how damaging things were.  I went back and read a few posts of yours I was brought back to so many things I experienced growing up.  One of the strongest memories and one that still evokes pain, confusion, dread, fear is walking into the house after school only to see my mother sleeping on the couch.  She did that for years.  She wasn't there for me.  No one to greet me with a smile or even a hello.  Instead I was greeted with that feeling of gloom and depression, dread and a crushing sense of responsibility.  Neglect is horrible abuse.  Someone here once wrote "there is no such thing as benign neglect" and that is so true.  In many ways, it was easier to have my mother rage at me.  Those emotions from the neglect stay with us and become a part of us and our view of the world.  So of course when you look at isolated incidents like your mother sleeping all freaking day and compare it to someone who was beaten, it is going to come up short in your mind.  Most people who were physically abused say that while that was bad it was the emotional component that went along with it that had the biggest impact. 

And, when I read the books it brings tears to my eyes and such anxiety to my chest when nearly every weird physical thing I have always thought is just me is mentioned. The not knowing where your body starts and stops. Being uncoodinated and clumsy and not able to do physical things and play like the other kids. The tight muscles. The not feeling in my body and the absence of emotions except anxiety and numbness.

You are so not alone with these feelings.  These get better too.  I promise.   

I feel like a fraud.

You were abused daughterandmom and it was pretty damn bad.  Take your time with it, allow yourself to sit and feel without judgement or comparisons.  Just let yourself Be. 

Be well.  If you ever want to chat about mother daughter sexual abuse, feel free to send me a private message and I will participate in the board post with you if I have anything to add.  My time here has been limited a bit, but I am still very invested in helping and supporting others here.

[daughterandmom]

Hi Kwamina 

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post so thoughtfully.  I apologize for taking so long to respond, your questions truly made me think and I took some time with them. I really appreciate that about you and all of your posts I have read here on the board- you are very insightful and I really envy how well you clearly lay out well organized thoughts. It's really been helpful to me. I look forward to being able to help others on here too someday, but right now I don't think I have figured out enough to really have anything to offer other than empathy.

Could it perhaps be that you were taught to minimize your own feelings and experiences when you were a child? Based on your posts, it seems clear to me that you were subjected to some serious abuse as a child, yet I know also from your posts that your mother behaved as if it was 'normal'. Could it perhaps be that you've internalized this distorted message of 'normalcy' conveyed to you by your mother?

This could very well be true, although I am not sure how to combat it. I mean I accept that I willingly took on the role of peacekeeper, guardian, person who was responsible for making everyone happy and safe, and of course I know that wasn't normal, but it was my normal and I don't know how to be anything else.

Can you describe the exact thoughts that go through your mind when you 'feel like a fraud'?

I really thought about this. I realize that I always feel like a fraud if that makes sense? Whenever I am with a group of people and I supposedly belong, I always feel like they know how to feel and act and I don't. I feel like I am just  faking it well enough to fool everyone. I feel like they know they belong, and the "label" fits them, but not me. I felt like this when I went to pick up my kids from school standing outside with the other parents. I felt like that when I was a shop owner and I went to trade shows- I had trouble identifying myself as a shop owner. I don't know if this makes any sense or not, but thank you for reading.

[Kwamina]

Thanks for your kind words

No apologies needed! We are discussing some tough issues here and that sometimes requires a lot of time and self-reflection.

I look forward to being able to help others on here too someday, but right now I don't think I have figured out enough to really have anything to offer other than empathy.

Just by posting your story you've already been greatly helping other members and also people reading here who have not registered yet. It takes a lot of courage and strength to talk about these things and take these problems on head-on. Your posts inspire other people reading them and help them feel less alone. So you've actually already contributed a lot here

I had trouble identifying myself as a shop owner. I don't know if this makes any sense or not, but thank you for reading.

These comments and what you said about what was normal for you, indeed do make sense to me. When I read what you say here it sounds to me that you might be having trouble identifying as a shop owner because you, likely without being fully aware of it, are identifying more with a negative projection of you. A negative projection that your mother most likely projected onto you from her disordered mind and since you experienced that for so long, it could very well be that you've started to identify with the projection to such an extent that it now almost feels like your real identity. Do you feel like this might be what's going on here?

Was the message that you don't belong or aren't good enough, perhaps something your mother conveyed to you, either directly or indirectly? Were this perhaps negative messages you got from her and have now internalized?

[daughterandmom]

Hi Harri 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and to share with me. I really appreciate your viewpoint. It truly makes me feel less alone dealing with this stuff. You said a lot what I posted resonates for you- it's funny, because what you said here really hit home for me

One of the strongest memories and one that still evokes pain, confusion, dread, fear is walking into the house after school only to see my mother sleeping on the couch.  She did that for years.  She wasn't there for me.  No one to greet me with a smile or even a hello.  Instead I was greeted with that feeling of gloom and depression, dread and a crushing sense of responsibility.

This means so much to me. I really could never put into words how that felt, and when I tried to explain it it was impossible to convey the heavy feeling. I always thought there was something wrong with me. I mean, other people grew up with depressed or even terminally ill moms who spent a lot of time in bed. So I never understood this overwhelming feeling and I never heard anyone else share it like this.

I sill feel a great deal of panic about it now. It seems so disproportionate to the situation. But it really affected me. So much that I go into a panic if my husband or kids try to take a nap. Even my therapist laughed when I said I get very upset when people take naps. Somehow in my brain it feels like if you take a nap that means you have run out of purpose and enjoyment in your life and have given up and the nap is the first step towards suicide. I know it's irrational, yet here I am 30+ years later with that feeling as strong as ever.

I appreciate that you shared that reading these books is hard for you too, and thank you for the comforting words. It helps me a lot to hear from someone farther along in dealing with all this. I am taking your advice to breathe, and to allow some time to get through it. Thank you 

Take your time with it, allow yourself to sit and feel without judgement or comparisons.  Just let yourself Be.

This is probably the hardest thing for me. But I am trying.

[unicorn2014]

I read that book The Courage to Heal a long time ago as recommended by one of my therapists. You are not alone. You might want to get evaluated for PTSD.