I've gone nearly 1 month no contact with my BPDex gf. Some days I'm okay & some days I'm a complete wreck. Today I am having a bad day, I didn't sleep much last night and when I woke up this morning I just felt sad. Later this afternoon I received an email from my BPD ex stating "there is so much she wishes we could talk about." Once I saw the email in my inbox my heart sank, I couldn't breathe & I went from having a bad day, to having a horrible day. I'm still so sad. I physically hurt and my mind is constantly thinking of the hurt & betrayal she caused me. I continue to feel the shame of being rejected. I feel like this pain will never end.
EJ, sorry to hear about this. It's tough. I've been there once myself and going through it again now. I can tell you from my experience, while the pain does ease, you'll always carry that scar. As unbelievably tough as it is to do, stay NC. Don't do like I did and give them a way in because (in the end) they'll shred you again. I know it doesnt sound like it now, but I am a romantic at heart. I was NC with my pwBPD for 3 years. Not a day went by I didn't think about her, but I knew it was for the best. Then she wanted to have a conversation with me about the past and I agreed to it. She seemed so much better, practically normal. We became friends then lovers.
Long story short, we were together for a year. It has been a rollercoaster ride for that year. We had some great times, but we had far to many bad ones. I was happy, confident, and enjoying my place in life. After being involved with her for a few months, I am anxious, compulsive, angry, bitter, and in a constant state of uncertainty. I've been lied to and cheated on. And through it all, I still don't hate her. But I also would've told her to sod off a year ago if I had the knowledge then that I have now.
Stay strong.
