Need advice, reassurance to deal with BPD mother

[Depression = 72% of members]

My mother has BPD, which I discovered after my therapist talked to me about it and lent me a workbook about it. My mom ended up seeing the therapist and the doctor confirmed her suspicions that she has BPD, but didn't necessarily share that information with her, but told me.

Basically, I didn't have a horrible childhood, but had very rough patches and incidents. My mother hit me with a belt several times growing up to discipline me, as well as with a shoe or slipper or her hand. At around 10 years old, my parents had divorced and my birth father (who was not a good guy) left our lives forever. My mother remarried a guy who seemed to be the best man ever and welcomed my younger brother and I and made promises to be that dad we always wanted. My mother seemed to change after the marriage. She wasn't as sweet or playful with me, and dealt with my weight by joking there was an "earthquake" whenever I walked down the stairs. She would later claim that was her way of prompting me to eat less or exercise. Now she claims that it never happened at all and doesn't remember it.

My grandfather who we have both been very close with was diagnosed with Prostate cancer 16 years ago and that changed her even more. She got colder, and socially distant. She has also never had a good relationship with her mother, who could be a stubborn hothead herself. My Grandparents always spent a lot of time with me, though. They always took care of me and even helped provide a lot for me because my mother and stepfather couldn't always afford to because of poor financial decisions. My grandparents even lent them $20,000 twice and never got the money back. My biggest infractions in my mother's eyes are that I did not do enough chores around the house growing up, would not shovel enough or without being asked when it would snow, and would compare Christmas gifts I would get for friends with whatever I would buy her. She has called me a selfish spoiled and greedy person who is disrespectful. She has told me that so many people compliment her about me and that she wishes they "knew the real me." I'm 26, and she still brings up every infraction from my teenage years. (Which is everything I listed above-- i I never drank smoke, got into fights, or had sex. I was even a good student.) She has become jealous of my closeness with my grandparents as well.

Things turned very bad this year as my grandfather passed away and her and my grandmother started arguing. My grandmother shared some hurtful things she found out about my grandfather and my mother responded by accusing her of trying to get my mom to "hate him." This upset my grandmother and the fight escalated. It was also discovered that before my grandfather passed, he secretly got a credit card with my grandma's name on it too) and allowed my mother to use it because he felt bad for her and how much she'd help take care of him. She racked up $3,000 in online shopping despite her responsibilities and normal bills. She also owes my uncle thousands of dollars and owes me $1,000.

She gets upset that I have more savings than her and that I should be helping more. The problem is, I have $40,000 in student loan debt, am not working at the moment, and the only reason she has so little is because of her poor choices, her refusal to work, and my stepdad is the one working two jobs. I'm in my last year of school and intend to graduate in May 2016.

She has now gotten angry that I have not completely taken her side in the argument, and that I don't agree with her use of that credit card. Though I tried reaching out to my brother and sister, and explaining the other side, and asking to keep a relationship with me, she has now turned them against me and told me if i try to speak to them I will be blocked completely. We also all live in the same house. My mother has eavesdropped on conversations between my grandmother and I and thrown things in our faces. On Friday, she wrote a 17 page letter repeating all her grievances with me, even saying she hopes my girlfriend of 5 years (soon to be fiance) finds out the "truth" about me and sees all my lies. Apparently the "lies" I'm telling are the physical and verbal abuse I suffered, which she claims either never happened, or that I'm exaggerating. Problem is, basically everyone knows there is something wrong with my mother. She's made it very evident. And what would I have to gain my making it up? I'm not even telling everyone about it because I feel ashamed it ever happened. She claims that her and my stepfather are looking to move and that he placed in a request to transfer (but won't say where) and that could take a long time. Up until recently they went without paying rent for months. Mind you, we live in a house and they only pay $300 a month. They also continue to use one of my grandmother's cars, despite the fact she pays the insurance for it and won't fix up their car. My grandmother has apologized to her for all her mistakes as a mother, but my mom wouldn't accept it. All she would tell her is to "go to God." My stepdad also feeds into my mom's feelings. He likes having control over her, and had a similar falling out with his own parents. I've also discovered lies he has told and a shady past-- he was still married when dating my mom, and lied to her about it. She found out later but still married him.

Right now I'm struggling to find peace and security in my own home. They live on the second floor, my grandmother on the first, and I live in the garage. I also am struggling with her long letter of insults and putdowns and accusations as well as her hate and saying that I'm lying.  I feel like trash even though all my loved ones tell me to ignore her. Even my therapist said she doesn't think she can help her, and that I have to ignore her voice, but it's hard. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Kent07]

My mother has BPD, which I discovered after my therapist talked to me about it and lent me a workbook about it. My mom ended up seeing the therapist and the doctor confirmed her suspicions that she has BPD, but didn't necessarily share that information with her, but told me.

Basically, I didn't have a horrible childhood, but had very rough patches and incidents. My mother hit me with a belt several times growing up to discipline me, as well as with a shoe or slipper or her hand. At around 10 years old, my parents had divorced and my birth father (who was not a good guy) left our lives forever. My mother remarried a guy who seemed to be the best man ever and welcomed my younger brother and I and made promises to be that dad we always wanted. My mother seemed to change after the marriage. She wasn't as sweet or playful with me, and dealt with my weight by joking there was an "earthquake" whenever I walked down the stairs. She would later claim that was her way of prompting me to eat less or exercise. Now she claims that it never happened at all and doesn't remember it.

My grandfather who we have both been very close with was diagnosed with Prostate cancer 16 years ago and that changed her even more. She got colder, and socially distant. She has also never had a good relationship with her mother, who could be a stubborn hothead herself. My Grandparents always spent a lot of time with me, though. They always took care of me and even helped provide a lot for me because my mother and stepfather couldn't always afford to because of poor financial decisions. My grandparents even lent them $20,000 twice and never got the money back. My biggest infractions in my mother's eyes are that I did not do enough chores around the house growing up, would not shovel enough or without being asked when it would snow, and would compare Christmas gifts I would get for friends with whatever I would buy her. She has called me a selfish spoiled and greedy person who is disrespectful. She has told me that so many people compliment her about me and that she wishes they "knew the real me." I'm 26, and she still brings up every infraction from my teenage years. (Which is everything I listed above-- i I never drank smoke, got into fights, or had sex. I was even a good student.) She has become jealous of my closeness with my grandparents as well.

Things turned very bad this year as my grandfather passed away and her and my grandmother started arguing. My grandmother shared some hurtful things she found out about my grandfather and my mother responded by accusing her of trying to get my mom to "hate him." This upset my grandmother and the fight escalated. It was also discovered that before my grandfather passed, he secretly got a credit card with my grandma's name on it too) and allowed my mother to use it because he felt bad for her and how much she'd help take care of him. She racked up $3,000 in online shopping despite her responsibilities and normal bills. She also owes my uncle thousands of dollars and owes me $1,000.

She gets upset that I have more savings than her and that I should be helping more. The problem is, I have $40,000 in student loan debt, am not working at the moment, and the only reason she has so little is because of her poor choices, her refusal to work, and my stepdad is the one working two jobs. I'm in my last year of school and intend to graduate in May 2016.

She has now gotten angry that I have not completely taken her side in the argument, and that I don't agree with her use of that credit card. Though I tried reaching out to my brother and sister, and explaining the other side, and asking to keep a relationship with me, she has now turned them against me and told me if i try to speak to them I will be blocked completely. We also all live in the same house. My mother has eavesdropped on conversations between my grandmother and I and thrown things in our faces. On Friday, she wrote a 17 page letter repeating all her grievances with me, even saying she hopes my girlfriend of 5 years (soon to be fiance) finds out the "truth" about me and sees all my lies. Apparently the "lies" I'm telling are the physical and verbal abuse I suffered, which she claims either never happened, or that I'm exaggerating. Problem is, basically everyone knows there is something wrong with my mother. She's made it very evident. And what would I have to gain my making it up? I'm not even telling everyone about it because I feel ashamed it ever happened. She claims that her and my stepfather are looking to move and that he placed in a request to transfer (but won't say where) and that could take a long time. Up until recently they went without paying rent for months. Mind you, we live in a house and they only pay $300 a month. They also continue to use one of my grandmother's cars, despite the fact she pays the insurance for it and won't fix up their car. My grandmother has apologized to her for all her mistakes as a mother, but my mom wouldn't accept it. All she would tell her is to "go to God." My stepdad also feeds into my mom's feelings. He likes having control over her, and had a similar falling out with his own parents. I've also discovered lies he has told and a shady past-- he was still married when dating my mom, and lied to her about it. She found out later but still married him.

Right now I'm struggling to find peace and security in my own home. They live on the second floor, my grandmother on the first, and I live in the garage. I also am struggling with her long letter of insults and putdowns and accusations as well as her hate and saying that I'm lying.  I feel like trash even though all my loved ones tell me to ignore her. Even my therapist said she doesn't think she can help her, and that I have to ignore her voice, but it's hard. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Turkish]

She has told me that so many people compliment her about me and that she wishes they "knew the real me."

I got something like this, too 

It sounds like you're still an emotional "parent" as well as being a parent-provider. It's a role-reversal which is damaging to a child, no matter what age. Being verbally abused, even now, is so hurtful, especially living with your mother.

It's odd that she changed after she remarried. How does your step-father handle things? Or do you see him more as a passive enabler?

[Kent07]

She has told me that so many people compliment her about me and that she wishes they "knew the real me."

I got something like this, too 

It sounds like you're still an emotional "parent" as well as being a parent-provider. It's a role-reversal which is damaging to a child, no matter what age. Being verbally abused, even now, is so hurtful, especially living with your mother.

It's odd that she changed after she remarried. How does your step-father handle things? Or do you see him more as a passive enabler?

He's definitely a passive enabler. In fact, over the Summer he vented to me about her spending and the way she acts, but whenever he deals with her, he gives in, even telling her to go ahead and order something online. The change in my mom coincides not only with her getting remarried but my grandfather getting sick. He will also defend her to the end of time, calling me arrogant and "out of my depth" for pointing out anything. And that I am wrong for not standing up for my mother no matter what.