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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #2 on: November 24, 2015, 12:09:33 PM » |
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Hey man,
Sorry you're going through this. I've been there. My teenager is now going through it -where contact with uBPD mom is difficult because of the temptation to "let her back in". She prefers to just have no contact with her mom, even though we do what we can to encourage it in healthy ways.
Here's the sad reality of it that some (perhaps in the "Staying" board) may not agree with: there is no "family" to get back. There were some good times, I'm certain, but the idea of having your family back is largely fantasy. Why? Because they can't really maintain close relationships without destroying them. I don't know how to put it more simply. Or I can put it another way, the longer it takes you to get this, deep down, the longer you will suffer horribly. I knew there was something wrong early on in my marriage to my now ex uBPDw. But I listened to her blame it all on me, and I wanted my family to remain in tact so badly that I carried the burden of all of it, and all the cheating and abuse, and her reeling me back in for attention whenever she feels like it, for about 15 years. I lost myself. I remember thinking that it wouldn't matter that much because I had done it for so long, but I'd had to overcome some pretty significant damage. The longer you expose yourself to it *does* matter. And now, I still share children with my ex, and she is the bane of our existence (our children, myself, my new wife, and our family together). But, we have made some significant moves that have improved things tremendously.
So, what can you do?
Well, I am remarried, so I have a partner to help share the burden. It doesn't sound like you do, so I cannot suggest that your new partner be the contact person. My wife does that for me and, even though she doesn't like it, it works. My ex likes my wife, or at least pretends to. But I'm also not at the same place you are because I have zero desire toward my ex wife.
The big thing you have to remember is that BPD's are used to controlling all the interactions. Everything is on their terms. They hate it when you start to take your life back. So, a big part of what you can do is be firm (especially with yourself) about building some structure around your interactions. She will fight, she will blame and guilt you, so that you re-engage her, she will act like the lonely, sad victim who need sympathy for the latest crisis in her life ("boo hoo... .be my shoulder to cry on", and she may even try to seduce you... .all because she cannot stand that you are no longer a constant open door for her to walk in and out of, to get her attention supply or to punish, whenever she wants. And it will be hard, but you've got to start making this change.
For example, no more phone calls and no more sleep-overs. BPDs, like my ex (and sounds like yours too), like to have their cake and eat it, too. They get to paint you black, or throw you in the trash, but then pull you out whenever they want you. You exist as an object to them. So, why play into that? It won't change her. It won't make her love you. I know you probably feel a lot of resistance inside, "But if I don't play into it, if I say "No" to her, then I'll lose her... .or she'll hurt me by taking my child away." That's because she uses fear, among other things, to manipulate. But she'll do it anyway. She doesn't need a reason. And as far as losing her goes... .you never had her. Nobody does. She's broken, and she'll keep doing it to you forever if you let her.
So, you start limiting the contact. You limit the means, such as only text messages or emails, and you limit the duration and time. For example, don't jump at your phone every time she calls or texts. Make a time for yourself when you will reply. Allow yourself to reply at 10am and 8pm each day, and that's it. You can also limit the where, if you have to meet in person. Maybe you need to make it a public place, or maybe just in the driveway to drop-off or pick-up rather than camping trips and sleep-overs. In general, you'll want to keep responses non-emotional. :)on't talk about personal stuff. Think of a reason why you suddenly have to go, and GO. End conversations when she starts talking about personal stuff. This is about your son, not about the latest drama in her life. :)on't let her suck you back in.
If she calls, don't answer. Text her back later. She may start demanding an explanation, but you don't have to give one. You can say that you've been more busy and want to keep this about your son. You can just say that you think it is best. But you don't really need to explain anything to her at all. Isn't she painting you black, right now? And when has she ever given a legitimate explanation for any of her behavior? Pfffft. So, why should you do all the explaining? You don't need to. You're just busy. You just think this is best. You're just making some important changes in your life, and while you son is an essential part of your life, your relationship with mom isn't priority anymore, but you wish her well and know that you both can make this work for your son. Period.
So, overall, most of the things you can do revolve around limiting your behavior, not hers. You limit how and when you communicate with her. You don't let her into your house. You don't go into her house anymore. Things like that. But again, be prepared for the backlash in the form of seduction, anger, guilt-tripping, or manipulation.
Another thing you can do is involve a third-party. For example, do you have a sibling or someone "neutral" that your ex can tolerate dealing with? Preferably a woman? That may be hard to come by, but this is serious business so if you think of anyone, maybe talk to them about it to get their thoughts. That would definitely set your ex off, but it would calm down. They always do. Their temper tantrums are usually only momentary.
I agree with ArleighBurke about keeping time with your son to just you and him, or at least not with mommy there. This has to become a pattern *now* so that it won't be strange for your son later. Your son needs at least one sane, stable person in his life, and it's not going to be mom so it has to be you. Seriously, let that motivate you to cut your emotional addiction to this person and lay down some stable foundation in your life. He needs you, badly. So you need to start laying down a pattern of stable, quality time where you and mom are separate. That will give him a healthy attachment, which he won't get from her, and it will protect him from future confusion as mom and dad get back together, break up, get back together, break up, forever and ever. Bad for the kiddo.
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