Has anyone kept a friendship with their BPD ex?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

We split up a couple months ago. He says the fog is lifting, he believes he has BPD, and that he is working with strategies to stabilize his life. He also is deeply apologetic for hurting me toward the end (he says) and wishes things could work out between us, but he knows that the romantic stage is done. He is also (he says casually) dating someone new.

So we have plans to grab a beer later. I have limited this to an hour and a half window, and I will be out of state for the next month traveling for work so I know that we won't see each other again soon (a nice externally imposed boundary).

Any thoughts on this? Is this a recipe for disaster? I do care deeply for him and hope we can be friends to each other, but I also know he is dealing with a serious illness and I don't want to see things get worse for either of us.

[MSNYC]

We split up a couple months ago. He says the fog is lifting, he believes he has BPD, and that he is working with strategies to stabilize his life. He also is deeply apologetic for hurting me toward the end (he says) and wishes things could work out between us, but he knows that the romantic stage is done. He is also (he says casually) dating someone new.

So we have plans to grab a beer later. I have limited this to an hour and a half window, and I will be out of state for the next month traveling for work so I know that we won't see each other again soon (a nice externally imposed boundary).

Any thoughts on this? Is this a recipe for disaster? I do care deeply for him and hope we can be friends to each other, but I also know he is dealing with a serious illness and I don't want to see things get worse for either of us.

[parisian]

MSNYC - after normal, healthy relationships it is difficult to be friends unless there has been some time passed where both have recovered. I don't think it is possible to be friends with an ex wBPD at least not so soon because it just delays your recovery. It is difficult to have a relationship with them and having a friendahip afterwards is no different. They cannot be a 50/50 partner and the same goes for friendships.  They keep us around so we can fill a supply gap if they ever need it and it increases the risk of (another) recycle. I tried to drag out a friendship for five months after my breakup and got heaps of push-pull (they wouldnt't respond to text messages in a timely way like they would to other friends) and in the end it just delayed my recovery. Sometimes we try and hold onto 'friendship' because we can't let go. Perhaps think abput what is the healthiest option for you here.

[Learning_curve74]

Hey MSNYC, it sounds like you're willing to be a compassionate person, which is very commendable. 

Just my opinion on your question, how far along are you on the road to detachment? I am friendly with my exBPDgf, but that's because there's basically no way I will ever consider getting back together with her. I can empathize with her without her problems becoming my problems. I don't get dragged into her drama, and I think she feels this, so she doesn't reach out to me in general. I also basically have no expectations of her behavior, so I don't have very much emotional reaction to anything she does which makes it much easier.

On the other hand, being so detached is not very conducive to a good friendship in my opinion. We care about our friends and want to help enrich their lives. What do you value in friendship, and in what ways do you think you and he will benefit from  this friendship?

[SummerStorm]

I tried.  It didn't work.  First, I tried being just friends after she cheated on her boyfriend with me, told me she wanted to live with me and marry me, and then decided to stay with him.  I was an emotional wreck because of it and because she tried to commit suicide.  She had no empathy for me.  A week later, she discarded me.

After she broke up with him, she tried to reconnect with me and even asked me if she could live with me.  However, it was just going to be as friends, and to be honest, it would have been more like just roommates, more than anything.  I couldn't do it.  I kept in contact for a month, but it just wasn't the same as before.  On the day I closed on my new house, I texted her as soon as it was official.  Nine hours later, she replied with "Yay!"  It took her nine hours to reply, and that's all she could come up with.  Less than two weeks later, after I triggered her abandonment fears, she discarded me again. 

Now, I've been painted pitch black and have been blocked on everything.

Ultimately, the choice is yours, but just remember that it won't be the same and that the idealization will be gone.  I went through everything with my former friend BPD and saw her at her worst, and after she reconnected with me, she treated me like I was just some acquaintance.  I visited her in the hospital, let her stay over at my house, took her verbal abuse, dealt with her lies and manipulation, and it was like none of that had ever happened. 

[Infern0]

I'll echo the sentiments of others on this subject, in my experience its not workable.

I found that after the initial relationship I forgave her somewhat and tried to be a good friend, even when she then entered another relationship.

However she wanted and needed me to still want her and so she would say and do things to attempt to get me to emotionally invest, statements like "I made a mistake when I let you go" or "I think when people are just meant to be they find a way back"

Things like that.

I also became the guy she cheated with, but she never intended us to get back together properly, I'd become a distraction to her main supply source.

Overall the entire thing just prolonged my healing and solely existed at her convenience

If a friendship where you are expected to be on call but they can reply or answer your calls only when it suits them interests you, be friends with your BPD ex

[OnceConfused]

your wound would never heal if you continue to pick on the scab.

By seeing him again, you are sending a wrong message, perhaps things did not die and the door still is open to him again.

[balletomane]

We were friends for years before we became a couple. Unlike some people with BPD, he can manage friendships much better than he can relationships - it seems to be romantic intimacy that brings out his problems in full force. This made me hopeful that we could resume a friendship like the one we'd had before. After a couple of weeks, I gave up on that idea. Having a friendship like the one we'd had before we became a couple would require me to forget everything that had happened during the relationship, and I couldn't do that. That relationship changed me, so naturally it would change how I looked at him and our situation.

After six weeks of attempting to scrape together a friendship (with limited effort from him - he was wrapped up in my replacement) I went NC. I felt immediate peace and relief when I unfriended him on Facebook, and I had the best night's sleep in those horrible six weeks. Maybe we will be friends again in the future, one day. But it won't be how it was before and it won't be for a long time, if it happens at all.

[Learning Fast]

I would echo all of these posts.  After we parted in late June, my ex connected with someone within days.

I've seen her five times in the past three months more out of curiosity than anything else.  What Summer Storm said was true in my situation as well---I moved from lover

to acquaintance in a matter of several weeks.  The difference was so palatable that it seemed surreal.

And what Inferno mentioned is true as well---- I've downshifted to LC (our daughters are best friends) but the only time she reaches out would be 1) if it's about her and 2) to illicit a response to see if I'm still on the hook. The good news would be that becoming educated about the disorder makes some of these behaviors somewhat predictable.

[guy4caligirl]

 The good news would be that becoming educated about the disorder makes some of these behaviors somewhat predictable.[/quote]
I totally agree with that , we finally decode not dwell on their behavior .

Friends with a BPD won't work cause it's all about them to use you when they can't and won't offer you anything in return .

per example >

Would you ask your ex BPD about something that you need an advise with 

[Learning Fast]

Well put---" decode not dwell".  Recognition of this marks progress in the recovery process.

[Confused108]

Run and run fast! Don't look back! Everything on this thread is my ex 100 %! When she wanted me 100%invested! The bs I should never have left you crap etc etc. ten when it was time to dump me bang bye bye. No contact etc. The only contact she got was from me telling her off. She wanted to remain friends with me but after the hellish roller coaster I was on with her I said no. I knew this girl since I was 12 and I can't else be what she turned into with this illness. Dr Jeckl and Mrs. Hyde for sure. Do yourself a favor walk away and don't look back. I know it's hard and it was for me but time heals all wounds.

[Sunfl0wer]

I have been able to be friends with other ex's.  I did want to try to be friends, kind of.  However, it became clear that even in minor chats about business type such, such as wrapping up an electricity bill, he was still so emotionally reactive.  He was still doing push/pull.  I was to be punished or rewarded.  It was an electric bill for goodness sakes... .  Yet, the old r/s dynamics, just remained... .and spoiled all interactions.

The difference tho, it was right there on the surface floating and easy to see, vs taking a dive under the water surface seeming still and at ease on the water's surface.

[gameover]

I tried with my ex.  Even after the way things went down at the end, I knew about BPD and wasn't angry or resentful or anything like that.  While we were together my ex was an awesome girlfriend--in the end the insecurity was too much for her and I respected her decisions.  Still have a tremendous amount of respect for her--and while I would never become romantically or physically involved with her again I'm grateful for our time together; and I spent a significant portion of my life with her (first love, first real relationship, some beautiful memories).

But when we were still living together post breakup and after she'd connected with my replacement, she tried very hard to get me to react the way I used to--saying certain things, staying out late, slamming doors, etc.  When I didn't react (I was pretty unemeshed at this point), she became avoidant and seemed almost terrified around me.  Before she took off cross-country we had an emotional goodbye, ended things on good terms, agreed to be friends--and she blocked me on everything the next day.  I think even that was an attempt at a reaction, but I don't react emotionally to my friends.  I've found closure for myself and while I wish her all the best, I don't think the type of things she needs from me is anything I'd be willing to provide to sustain a friendship.

[MSNYC]

Well, we did meet up last night. It was the first time I'd seen him since our break. His mother (he lives with her) was really grateful and happy to see me, and the dog remembered me. My ex was at first really scared. Then we had some laughs together, then apologized profusely and said that losing me has catalyzed his commitment to get better.

He also said that after our breakup, things hit rock bottom, including:

- fights with strangers on the street

- wrecking a car and he can't remember how

- losing contact with his kids for a while

- serious fights with this mom

But that now things are stabilizing for him.

He also told me that a month or so before our breakup he stopped taking his mood stabilizers ("they clamp down on your feelings, you don't feel human on them" without telling me, and that's probably why he "went nuts" at the end. But he's committed to not taking meds again, and is trying to treat himself at home with deep meditation and trying to be 'present' through his feelings. He doesn't want therapy. He cried a lot, said he gets weepy frequently these days but he isn't behaving destructively. Within a few minutes of saying he isn't behaving destructively, he did say he is avoiding close friendships because he's too much of a mess, but he does enjoy being social and around people so "I surround myself with people I don't care about who don't care about me. I use people. You're the one person I ever felt real love or compassion with."

He said a bunch of other things that seem textbook BPD after all my research, including "while we were splitting up I said all those horrible things because I wanted to feel pain so I could know I was alive" and "I cover myself with tattoos because I enjoy inflicting pain on myself, it reminds me that I exist" 

I leave town for a month today so I won't be seeing him any time soon. It felt good to see him, hear his apology, give him a hug. But I definitely know he suffers from BPD and I ought to be really good with boundaries moving forward so history doesn't repeat. Still I miss him and feel so much sadness for how sick he is, and how much pain he's always in.

[Reforming]

My short answer is no.

The longer answer is I didn't make any efforts to do so and neither did she. In the immediate aftermath of the breakup NC felt like the best way to protect myself.

We were together a long time, which makes it hard, but the wounds were deep and by the time the relationship ended - it was triggered by an affair - I was very angry and distrustful.

As I healed and became more self aware I began to look at my choice of friends in a different light. I realised that I didn't want to be friends with someone who can do me harm and who I can't trust. That a boundary I had to learn.

I don't wish my ex any ill, but I've also seen the way she discarded close friends and I see no reason to expose myself to more harm.

We separated three years ago and I actually got a text for her on my birthday a few days ago. It's the first time she's done and I could speculate about her reasons, but the thing is it doesn't really matter now.

Reforming