open letter to my mom...that I'll never send

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Dear Mom,

Today you texted me about my recent visit home, and you have requested that I talk to you about my "grievances" against you. You say you want to talk about why you sense I am resentful and unhappy with you, and you want to talk through them and make sure I understand your perspective. Since I can't talk to you in person or over the phone without you interrupting me and raising your voice and eventually screaming, I'm doing this here, because I know I will never actually send this letter. But hopefully it will make me feel better.

You sense that I resent you. It's true. I have resented you for many years, but only recently started understanding why. I resent, probably the most, that you made me responsible for your feelings and your physical well-being when I was just a little girl. You would threaten me when we had arguments that "my blood pressure is high! I could die of a stroke! Look at what you're doing to your mother WHO GIVES YOU EVERYTHING." I resent that many nights, out of fear of killing you, I would sneak next to your bed and listen to you breathe, making sure you weren't dead because of me. I resent that I felt your love was conditional upon my obedience to your wishes. I resent that I was always belittled when I expressed my own wants and feelings. You would tell me that I didn't have your experience or knowledge, or that I didn't know what I wanted. What you were really telling me, however, was that my feelings didn't matter, and that they shouldn't. That was something I carried with me and led me to have low self-esteem for years.

I resent that I went to college with no knowledge of how to navigate social situations, mostly because you never let me see my friends in high school. There was always an excuse - it was too late at night, or they lived too far, or you didn't like the choice of restaurant. I graduated high school with hardly any friends, living an isolated life, and went to college and, not surprisingly, had a very hard time adjusting. I missed out on a lot of fun years because I spent much of those college years figuring out how to be a normal person.

Most recently I resent the horrible family dynamics that have happened because of my wedding. I asked my sister to have her two children to be babysat for my 20 minute wedding ceremony. I thought I was being very gracious since they were the only children invited to my wedding day at all. I even offered to pay for multiple baby sitters - just for 20 minutes so we could say our vows with no risk of interruptions. Since she is also uBPD, she threw a tantrum and proclaimed that I was "rejecting her family." After months of escalation and me holding my ground, she decided not to attend, and not to be my maid of honor. I was shattered that my seemingly small request would be met with such anger and such malicious words and actions. Instead of trying to unite the family, you sided with my sister. And while you were phisically present at my wedding, you put on a sour face the entire day, to try to punish me. Those special moments that I was suppose to cherish with you, like when I put on my wedding gown, you spent asking the photographer when you could leave. You never greeted my husband. You never told me I looked pretty. You never gave me a hug or told me you loved me. You couldn't even bother a smile for pictures. Thankfully I was surrounded by so much family and friends that overwhelmed me with love and support that you did not ruin the day. But I will forever resent that you tried to.

I resent that you never include my husband in our brief conversations beacuse you blame him for the tension in our family. I know deep down the problem is that you feel that I have abandoned you, beause you are sick and you have BPD, and your biggest fear is me leaving you. So instead of blaming me, you make it easier for yourself and you blame my husband for taking me from you. But really mom, it is you that has pushed me away. It is you that has so effectively incentivized me to avoid honest conversations with you beacuse of the drama and pain it would cause me. Instead I turn to my healthy relationships that bring me peace and happiness, like what I experience every day with my loving husband.

I resent that you make innumerable efforts to visit my sister and her children, but in my 4 years in medical school, have only visited me once. I am sad that you don't feel inspired to make the effort to see what my life is like, and instead use every vacation day to spend it with your grandchildren. I resent you telling me you can't help me more economically while I'm in medical school because your budget is tight, and then inform me you are going on multiple trips to Disney World with your grandchildren. It makes me feel like you have obviously picked your favorite family members, and have cast me and my needs aside. I resent it even more because I am following in your and dad's footsteps becoming a doctor - more than that, I will be the first doctor in our family graduating from an American school. What a monumental achievement for our small immigrant family. And instead of being met with pride and happiness, I feel cold resentment from my mother.

I even resent that you asked me to talk to you about my grievances in the first place. Because I've been down this road before. You don't really want to have a discussion, and you don't want to really understand my sadness. You have no intention of addressing my concerns, because you have no intention of changing. I know that you just want to hear my complains to tell me why I'm wrong. You want to tell me why my feelings don't matter, and how you know better than me, and that my grievances are proof that I'm an ungrateful daughter who doesn't appreciate the sacrifices you have made for me.

I'm not 5 anymore, mom. I'm a 27 year-old adult, soon to be an independent practicing doctor in training, and I won't buy that crap anymore. I will always love you, and I will always yearn from you the validation, unconditional love, and comfort that you were never able to give me. I truly think that you have done your best, considering the difficult twisted reality your personality disorder forces you to live in. You have lived through times of war in your country, political instability, fear, exile, and on top of that a distable family dynamic from a BPD mother yourself. Your life has been unspeakably tragic and difficult, yet you still managed to pursue a career and a good life and did everything you could to give us a better life. Because of that I have forgiven you for all of the ways you have failed me. I think you did the best you could, and I have still grown up to be a respectable person with a good future. I forgive you... .and I love you. And while I know you look at me with disappointment and criticism, I want you to know that I have always strived to be a good a dedicated daughter to you. Despite the obstacles you have thrown at me, I too have done the best I could. I hope you can still love me for that.

Loyally,

Greenglit.

[GreenGlit]

Dear Mom,

Today you texted me about my recent visit home, and you have requested that I talk to you about my "grievances" against you. You say you want to talk about why you sense I am resentful and unhappy with you, and you want to talk through them and make sure I understand your perspective. Since I can't talk to you in person or over the phone without you interrupting me and raising your voice and eventually screaming, I'm doing this here, because I know I will never actually send this letter. But hopefully it will make me feel better.

You sense that I resent you. It's true. I have resented you for many years, but only recently started understanding why. I resent, probably the most, that you made me responsible for your feelings and your physical well-being when I was just a little girl. You would threaten me when we had arguments that "my blood pressure is high! I could die of a stroke! Look at what you're doing to your mother WHO GIVES YOU EVERYTHING." I resent that many nights, out of fear of killing you, I would sneak next to your bed and listen to you breathe, making sure you weren't dead because of me. I resent that I felt your love was conditional upon my obedience to your wishes. I resent that I was always belittled when I expressed my own wants and feelings. You would tell me that I didn't have your experience or knowledge, or that I didn't know what I wanted. What you were really telling me, however, was that my feelings didn't matter, and that they shouldn't. That was something I carried with me and led me to have low self-esteem for years.

I resent that I went to college with no knowledge of how to navigate social situations, mostly because you never let me see my friends in high school. There was always an excuse - it was too late at night, or they lived too far, or you didn't like the choice of restaurant. I graduated high school with hardly any friends, living an isolated life, and went to college and, not surprisingly, had a very hard time adjusting. I missed out on a lot of fun years because I spent much of those college years figuring out how to be a normal person.

Most recently I resent the horrible family dynamics that have happened because of my wedding. I asked my sister to have her two children to be babysat for my 20 minute wedding ceremony. I thought I was being very gracious since they were the only children invited to my wedding day at all. I even offered to pay for multiple baby sitters - just for 20 minutes so we could say our vows with no risk of interruptions. Since she is also uBPD, she threw a tantrum and proclaimed that I was "rejecting her family." After months of escalation and me holding my ground, she decided not to attend, and not to be my maid of honor. I was shattered that my seemingly small request would be met with such anger and such malicious words and actions. Instead of trying to unite the family, you sided with my sister. And while you were phisically present at my wedding, you put on a sour face the entire day, to try to punish me. Those special moments that I was suppose to cherish with you, like when I put on my wedding gown, you spent asking the photographer when you could leave. You never greeted my husband. You never told me I looked pretty. You never gave me a hug or told me you loved me. You couldn't even bother a smile for pictures. Thankfully I was surrounded by so much family and friends that overwhelmed me with love and support that you did not ruin the day. But I will forever resent that you tried to.

I resent that you never include my husband in our brief conversations beacuse you blame him for the tension in our family. I know deep down the problem is that you feel that I have abandoned you, beause you are sick and you have BPD, and your biggest fear is me leaving you. So instead of blaming me, you make it easier for yourself and you blame my husband for taking me from you. But really mom, it is you that has pushed me away. It is you that has so effectively incentivized me to avoid honest conversations with you beacuse of the drama and pain it would cause me. Instead I turn to my healthy relationships that bring me peace and happiness, like what I experience every day with my loving husband.

I resent that you make innumerable efforts to visit my sister and her children, but in my 4 years in medical school, have only visited me once. I am sad that you don't feel inspired to make the effort to see what my life is like, and instead use every vacation day to spend it with your grandchildren. I resent you telling me you can't help me more economically while I'm in medical school because your budget is tight, and then inform me you are going on multiple trips to Disney World with your grandchildren. It makes me feel like you have obviously picked your favorite family members, and have cast me and my needs aside. I resent it even more because I am following in your and dad's footsteps becoming a doctor - more than that, I will be the first doctor in our family graduating from an American school. What a monumental achievement for our small immigrant family. And instead of being met with pride and happiness, I feel cold resentment from my mother.

I even resent that you asked me to talk to you about my grievances in the first place. Because I've been down this road before. You don't really want to have a discussion, and you don't want to really understand my sadness. You have no intention of addressing my concerns, because you have no intention of changing. I know that you just want to hear my complains to tell me why I'm wrong. You want to tell me why my feelings don't matter, and how you know better than me, and that my grievances are proof that I'm an ungrateful daughter who doesn't appreciate the sacrifices you have made for me.

I'm not 5 anymore, mom. I'm a 27 year-old adult, soon to be an independent practicing doctor in training, and I won't buy that crap anymore. I will always love you, and I will always yearn from you the validation, unconditional love, and comfort that you were never able to give me. I truly think that you have done your best, considering the difficult twisted reality your personality disorder forces you to live in. You have lived through times of war in your country, political instability, fear, exile, and on top of that a distable family dynamic from a BPD mother yourself. Your life has been unspeakably tragic and difficult, yet you still managed to pursue a career and a good life and did everything you could to give us a better life. Because of that I have forgiven you for all of the ways you have failed me. I think you did the best you could, and I have still grown up to be a respectable person with a good future. I forgive you... .and I love you. And while I know you look at me with disappointment and criticism, I want you to know that I have always strived to be a good a dedicated daughter to you. Despite the obstacles you have thrown at me, I too have done the best I could. I hope you can still love me for that.

Loyally,

Greenglit.

[Hopeful_Mom]

Wow! Very articulate and well thought out. I am blown away with your ability to put a lifetime of pain into words.

[Sarah girl]

Thank you for sharing  . Your words are hauntingly powerful and bring peace at the same time. What you've put down here is no small thing. It takes a lot to forgive, accept and move on. I do hope that this gesture brings you peace. It certainly demonstrates much growth.

[Only Child]

thank you for sharing--I relate to everything you said.  If it were me, I would have sent it, as I have done many times on my mother's request that I tell her why I'm angry at her.  But she never gets it and never will.  I am 65-1/2 and I'm still trying to figure out how to survive and be normal in social situations.  It's good you posted that here and can get feedback before sending--chances are it won't do any good to send it... .just work on changing what you can in yourself and avoid the traps of FOG--that's what they tell me.   Lots of good literature on this site

[ladyknight1530]

This is an incredible letter. Thanks for sharing! I hope you finally find peace in forgiveness. I agree with Sarah girl; it's soo hard to forgive. Especially when their grievances are chronic and they really don't understand what they are doing is wrong. What makes it hard is our family members don't even realize they need to be forgiven. But I think forgiveness is for ourselves mostly. I always found that holding a grudge hurt me more than the other person because I was living with tension in my heart. I hope you always find the strength to forgive every time. 

[sweety0528]

This is incredible.  You totally described the isolation, fear, and rejection that I experienced as a young child.  From constant screaming matches to trying to protect her feelings and well being (even to the point, as you say, of listening to make sure she was breathing)... .this is my story.  Wasted time, lack of enjoyment, a sense that I always missed out on the fun things as I tried to navigate life. ... .this letter nailed it!

I lost my mom earlier this year to cancer, and she went to her grave never knowing the damage she inflicted.  I'm angry over that, but in a weird way, I miss her too.  I don't know any other way than "her way."  I'm in the process of learning how to live at the age of 34... .with a husband, 2 kids, and a full time teaching career, mind you.  I struggled soo much growing up that I don't know who or what I am sometimes... .the decisions were always made for me and I just had to fall in line.  It's our first Thanksgiving without her and I guess it's just sad all around... .it's soo complicated.

Take care and happy holidays.  Thanks for sharing.