Frequencies and length of time between departures

[Should I stay or...]

What are your frequencies and length of times between nc and their re-connection with you? And, what's the longest time from nc to reconnection that one can document.

Does the frequencies decrease over time? Does the length of time between contacts increase over time?

[Herodias]

We split up several times... .I think the longest was 3 months in the beginning. The second time was two months. The last time was about 2 months and now we are separated. We haven't seen each other in 3 months and I haven't talked to him in two... .He has tried to reach out to me every month. Even a few weeks ago... .I did not respond. He is with someone else. I don't feel the need.

[guy4caligirl]

The longest I went NC is now a hundred days ,she broke it twice a text for $ a month ago a call for an hour last week . and I remain NC .

[joel6242]

Bluntly my guy would come back when I was usable again, 2 weeks to 2 months.

I have realize that he never loved me. I have also realize that he will not get better.

But for a minute let us say he does get help and medication, my thoughts are he would not want or wanted to be in a relationship with me and I do not think I would want to be in a relationship with him.

The help that he would need would take maybe several years.  

[once removed]

about a month after our breakup, i discovered she was invading the email attached to my facebook and reading any messages sent to me.

we had brief text contact for a couple of months while i tried to force the exchange of belongings, until i gave up.

i cant remember how long it was, but months after that, i saw her name on the caller ID for my home phone.

twice since then she sent a facebook friend request only to take it back after a few hours. its been a few years now since and i dont expect that or any other form of contact to take place between us ever again.

[helpmewithbpd]

Mine now is just over 6 months nc and not a word at all

[juniorswailing]

I'm on day 2 ☺

[Beach_Babe]

7 months NC for the ex. Appears permanent. I did have a BPD friend,however, who tried to recycle after 4 years. They are all different I guess.

[kyon147]

Mine has been 10 days. I am very much expecting her to get in touch once she realises this time I am not chasing her like last year.

[parisian]

7 months for the first and almost 2 for the second. I doubt very much I will hear from either as I told them both I knew they had BPD. The first is shamed beyond belief as a result and will never even look at me again let alone contact me. I doubt the second ever will eitherr but only early days yet. I have no desire to ever respond if they do, and changed my phone number so is hard for them to call / text.

I think it depends on how much sekf-awareness they have about their disorder / whether they have others in their life and how you left things in the end.

[itgirl]

1st time a month and she was back

2nd time 3 weeks and she was back

3rd never really away but wanted to break up.

I got off the rollercoaster.

the departure times did decrease, but so did the time we would be in honeymoon phase. 

[Should I stay or...]

she would leave in the beginning of our relationship for a week or two, then the departures would last longer during our 5 years together.

Looking back she would reach out through a text message around the same time of year; Memorial Day, an anniversary of a wedding we attended or a vacation we enjoyed the year before... .I guess she was reminiscing.

Presently, we haven't spoken since August.

The length of the departures have increased and the frequencies in those departures have increased as well.

[CharWood]

Lets see. We had problems but were not really broken up for 4 months (she never dated anyone else but emotionally cheated through text. we still slept in the same bed. we still were intimate at times... etc. etc.) I kicked her out of the condo we had shared and broke things completely off with her... .and we stayed broken up for about a month. The longest she was able to go without speaking to me was about 6 days. The first 2 weeks she was adamant about us being only friends and telling me that she doesn't see me as anything more and we need to move on. the 2 weeks after that before I let her back she was working her way up to declaring her feelings for me and pleading to come home and come back... and she seduced me. 2 years later we are broken up again. She was repeating the emotional cheating and dysregulating again after 2 years and I said "cut it out and get therapy or leave". So, she took her stuff and left our house. For the first time, she physically went out on a date with another person - a sketchy dude she met off the internet. She did this the day she moved out (wow. after 4 years and rings and vows and commitments... .after saying I am the one for you just a week prior?) She moved in with a former coworker. For the next 6 weeks, she lived there and triangulated between me and this bottom-feeder she met online who lived about 1 hour and 45 minutes away. She would not go more than 2 days without speaking to me or seeing me, 3 at the very longest. It was always some big crisis or I need your help situation to get my attention. I finally told her that if she continues speaking with this dude, I will be out of her life... that he is a lowlife and I wont see her go down a bad path. She told me the next day that she cut contact and asked to move back in "as friends"... .when I said no, she caused a big stink and I was forced to let her come back because it is both our home and we both have residency there. So, she moved home 6 weeks after the break up. She began online dating about 2 weeks after moving back in and this lasted for about a month. She was insane... heavy drinking, staying out all night with total strangers, talking to someone intensely for a few days and then blowing them off for another... .all while triangulating with me - sometimes getting emotional, trying to sleep in my bed (naked one time), trying to get me to go in the hot tub with her... .etc. etc. I got very upset and emotional one night (about 3 months after our break up) and I tore up and threw away pictures of us in front of her and began to pull away from her... .I said some very cold things to her and ignored her mostly for the next few days... .I noticed a change in her. she no longer went out on dates... .I was actually dating again and she began drinking very heavily. she hasn't been on a date in a month now, though she still carries on texting flirtations with online strangers. She has been very push-pull for the past month and has openly admitted she has feelings for me (though she will deny it the next day)... she has made it fairly clear that she cannot picture a life without me in it and when I ask her to picture it and to tell me what she will do, she freaks out and doesn't want to think about it. So now we are at the 4 months mark of being broken up. The last time she tried to sleep in my bed was about a little over a week ago. I have no idea whether or not she will try to recycle. It is difficult to say. She has deleted all of her dating profiles and her push pull behavior is getting increasingly intense. I would assume that it is a possibility she will try, especially since she is not pursuing anyone here locally. I guess even though we are currently in this extremely dysfunctional cohabitating relationship and not completely detached from one another, it would somewhat follow a reverse of the pattern she had before... .we had a rocky time on and off for a period of 5 months, including the month we were actually broken up and we are the 4 month mark today actually. So, I guess if she goes 4 more weeks and then starts trying to get back together, it would line up pretty accurately with our last break up.

BPD behavior is predictable yet so unpredictable at the same time.

[Beach_Babe]

parisian: ha! I told mine I knew he was npd.

[Schermarhorn]

What are your frequencies and length of times between nc and their re-connection with you? And, what's the longest time from nc to reconnection that one can document.

Does the frequencies decrease over time? Does the length of time between contacts increase over time?

1st time (2 weeks after meeting each other). A week NC

2nd time, 1 day NC

3rd time, about 2 months NC (2 replacements)

Currently, 2.5 months NC (1 replacement)

[hopealways]

The average is 1-2 months. Mine always came back after exactly 2 months.  This time it has been 4 months.  She told me she always went back to her exes after 2 months but one she went back to after 1 year. So it's all over the place. I think it really depends on how nice you were to them.  Even though they are disordered, they do feel kindness, although they really don't respect the good ones among us.  But they do have the ability to miss the good ones and they do.

They are predictably unpredictable.  Usually they pop up right when you are ready to move on, they have an uncanny ability to feel that even when you are NC and have blocked them.

[Schermarhorn]

They are predictably unpredictable.  Usually they pop up right when you are ready to move on, they have an uncanny ability to feel that even when you are NC and have blocked them.

Mine always comes back when her relationship falls apart.

One time she messaged me a large apology text, and before I could even type a response she was already gone. What I figured out is that she was messaging another guy and she must have decided she wanted him more. Once he turned her down, guess who got another text?

Her excuse for that (she doesn't know I know about him), was that she was afraid I was going to say something mean to her.

[Should I stay or...]

I think it really depends on how nice you were to them.  Even though they are disordered, they do feel kindness, although they really don't respect the good ones among us.  But they do have the ability to miss the good ones and they do.

I like this thought hopealways!

Ironically, we were in a therapy session back when and the therapist turned to her and said, "... .you know it's nice to be nice." We repeated those words to each other a few times over the years... .

I was kind to her, I was well aware of her disorder and I knew that if I was to be there in her arms I was going to be her pillow at night.

[GreenEyedMonster]

Mine came back as a "friend" (though a very flirtatious one) after six weeks.  I stayed white for a week or so, then got painted black again on October 10, so that would be about five weeks ago.  I am wondering if the holidays will make him feel lonely and make him paint me white again.

He looks for me on social media approximately twice every day.

[hashtag_loyal]

My ex has been reaching out once a week to make sure I still don't hate her.

[Should I stay or...]

... .once departed, does anyone send a card for the Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa holidays approaching? Or, NC continues as planned?

[Herodias]

No contact means no contact! Why would you send a card to someone who treated you poorly? Don't do it... .you will only look like a sap, letting them know you still care. You can't let them know.