The 'state' in which you were left in

[C.Stein]

Each time has been exactly like the Young quote---unemotional, disconnected and robotic.  Any past experiences that we shared that happened to come up in conversation were met with a look on her face like they didn't register (or more likely it was too painful to remember).  Like HF83 said---it was like I was talking to an aquaintance or stranger.  This is something that you have to live thru to actually believe.

This is what it was like the last time I saw my ex when we exchanged some things. At that point it had been about 2 months since the final discard.  I found out a couple of weeks after that she had already replaced me according to her, by the looks of it only probably happened weeks at best after the final discard.  I thought I saw a hint of emotions a couple of times but that got locked down by her in a hurry.  She was like a stranger talking to someone she casually knew.  It was extremely painful to see that.  

[Learning Fast]

SS and C.Stein,

Are you sure that we weren't involved with the same woman?  Or perhaps they are triplets.

After our June parting she hooked up with someone within days.  It was late August before we saw each other again. It was stunning in terms of how quickly I had moved from lover to acquaintance in her life.  Beyond that, she continued to maintain that my replacement was just a "friend" and nothing more.  I guess anything to keep the recycle door open a crack.  Thank goodness I found this site or I would have most probably bought into the ruse.

[jTrue426]

Mine left me after contributing to the deterioration of my mental and physical health the loss of my career, and oh yeah; she left while I was in a coma.

[Beach_Babe]

My ex left me in a pretty bad state. I was broke, lived in NYC so didn't have a car, and most of my good friend and family had moved out of NY. During the last 6 months of the relationship my ex knew she had me by the balls, when she would lose it she would force me out of the apt by saying she would call the cops and say I hit her.  So there were a few nights I would spend sleeping on the subway.  Living like this not only being abused, but threats of false arrest and being homeless all while getting attacked almost ended my life.  I came up with a plan and vowed the next time I was forced out I would never go back.  On a positive note 8 months later I live in sunny Florida near the beach where the cost of living is half of what it was in NY... .so I guess I have her to thank for that.  But the totally lack of empathy is one of the things that is really hard to get over.  She also seemed to enjoy the power.

My ex did this to me while pregnant. I'm happy to hear you got away from her.

[jimmy99]

How common is it for a BPD ex to leave totally out of the blue?

Is there usually a trigger? Do they regret it?

One day my ex is telling me she wants to grow old with me. Literally the next day she went back to her ex-husband.

[Hopeful83]

How common is it for a BPD ex to leave totally out of the blue?

Is there usually a trigger? Do they regret it?

One day my ex is telling me she wants to grow old with me. Literally the next day she went back to her ex-husband.

This is one statement I kept hearing over and over again. Weeks later he was 'unsure' about how he felt about me and then moved onto someone else.

[Confused108]

Wow that is INCREDIBLY heartless. So sorry to hear about that. It's impossible to figure out their behaviour. The 'switch' is scary when it comes, especially when the ex had been so caring in the past. My ex would look after me so well when I was ill; he'd cook, clean, bring me little gifts to cheer me up. To go from this to total and utter coldness is a shock to the system. He also cared about my family like they were his own - after we broke up he never once got in touch with a single one of them to apologise for his behaviour or to try and explain himself. Nothing! And he used to say he was closer with my brothers than his own. Unbelievable.

Hopeful that is just terrible. I know th feeling all too well. The phase when you are there everything and then boom your nothing but dog poop under their shoe. My ex at the end told me I was texting her too much and I was obsessed with her when just 3 days before she texted me she was missing me so bad she was climbing the walls. It's crazy!

Totally crazy.

The thing that pains me about my ex is that he knew that whatever was 'happening' to him was wrong. Or so he claimed. When he said he'd seen his ex (and when I say ex I mean it in the loosest possible way - they knew each other in high school and had never properly dated! Plus he told me she messed him around repeatedly, a story his friends confirmed for me) and couldn't stop thinking about her, he followed it up by saying he knew that what he was feeling wasn't normal and that he was going to go and see a therapist about it. I still ended it because he made it sound like he was going to make a choice between me and her. Sorry, if you feel the need to choose between your girlfriend of three years who has always been there for you and some high school brat you knew years back (and who broke your heart) then you're not worthy of my time. Any normal, stable person would have fought for their girlfriend, but what did he do? He turned his back on me and came up with the most ridiculous explanation for his actions.

And here is the part that's difficult to come to terms with. His family didn't want us together, as I don't belong to the same religion/culture as them, so I know that they played a massive part in us breaking up. He said he went to the therapist in the end, and the 'therapist' told him that he was only with me out of guilt for three years, and to prove to himself he could love someone more than the ex! Yes, despite the fact he called me the love of his life, told me he wanted to marry me, loved and cared for my family, travelled the world with me etc. Oh and this brilliant therapist told him that his rage was due to the frustration he felt in the relationship - haha, that was the best part! Because tying a belt around your neck when you're raging is a normal response to a small argument. 

So I'm now convinced that the family paid off the 'therapist' (not impossible in the country he comes from) to tell him what they wanted him to hear, because this therapist's analysis of the situation was absolutely ridiculous. I'm no therapist, but I studied psychology, read a lot etc and I know what this person said just didn't make sense. If this is the case it pains me because he clearly knew that what he was doing was wrong, wanted help, but was surrounded by people who didn't want us together in the first place. I'm not justifying him at all, but if you're already battling demons, having people who hinder your potential progress does not help.

Either that or he never went to the therapist and made up all this nonsense by himself to justify his inexplicable actions.

Gosh, what a mess it was. When I think back to what a confusing mess the breakup was I'm surprised I've made the progress that I have in five months.

Omg that is NUTS! I swear these people have all the answers! My ex after she dumped me went from we  as adults are not compatable! Lie #1 that's why we would talk on the phone almost every night for 5 to 6 hours straight 7 days a week! Lie #2. I was pressing for marriage and wanted to move in with her and she said exact words "It's was all too fast!" My ex was the one who right away mentioned to me about getting married and moving in with her. Lie #3 I was so angry and this is the best part she could not see herself with someone who had no control over their own emotions! Exact words. I got crazy on her and basically told her off after she dumped me and that was what she was taking about. Something that happened way after she cut me lose. That God everything she said as to why she dumped me I saved in text messages. So I threw everything back on her. Her saying she wanted marriage . Her saying move in with me . How I told her off After she dumped me. Her telling me HOW COMPATIBLE we were! And yep I sent it to her and she didn't k ow what to say! Then it needed up being a totally different story that now it didn't matter who did what it said what! Lol! Yea when all her bs lies of why she wanted out were shot down with my proof from her texts to me she was dumbfounded!

[Confused108]

Oh and something that I totally forgot to mention was did anyone here ever go through one day they wanted you as their lover and that same day or the next they were saying you were just friends? That's what my charming ex did right before the end! It was NUTs!

[zundertowz]

Oh and something that I totally forgot to mention was did anyone here ever go through one day they wanted you as their lover and that same day or the next they were saying you were just friends? That's what my charming ex did right before the end! It was NUTs!

My ex was forcing me to get married less than a week before she wanted me dead, I was never gonna marry her but it's still nuts to think about.

[joeramabeme]

Bewildered... .  Still am

[Hopeful83]

Bewildered... .  Still am

Yeah, I still have days when I feel like this and I'm coming up to my six month post-breakup. There will always be a big question mark over what happened, but it's becoming less and less important over time (thankfully).

[Beach_Babe]

Hey hopeful, you seem to be making great progress. How do cope with those moments when they arise?

[Hopeful83]

Hey hopeful, you seem to be making great progress. How do cope with those moments when they arise?

Hey Beach Babe 

I am having a better week, yes. I won't lie, though; this process has very much been one step forward, two steps back. A month or so ago I was starting to get frustrated with myself, thinking I should have been over it by now, and I realised this frustration does NOT help. So now when I feel the feelings of sadness, anger etc whatever it is, I just lean into it and then let it go. I don't judge myself for feeling it. I remind myself that I've been through a lot in a short space of time, and that I need to allow myself the space to readjust to these changes.

The other thing I have to do sometimes is remind myself of the cold, hard facts. My ex, BPD or no BPD, treated me absolutely atrociously in the end. He walked away like I was nothing after three good years of l living together and sharing our lives together. He also walked away from me when my sister was battling cancer and my brother was ill in hospital. Despite the good times we had, I recognise now that there were plenty of red flags as to the state of his mental health (the weekly rages being the main one), and he was never serious enough about getting help. And in the end he projected everything onto me, gave me reasons that made zero sense and walked away from me just like that! He got engaged to someone else within two months after we'd been planning on getting engaged this year.

These cold facts help me to look forward. Is this the kind of person I want to build a future with and have children with? No. Did I make mistakes in the relationship? Yes, but NONE that warranted this kind of behaviour. I was a loving, supportive and loyal girlfriend. I deserve far, far, far better than to be treated like this.

I also then also realise that to have put up with his rages I was sacrificing myself and my own sanity. So it's clear I need to learn a lot of self-love. I'm glad this breakup has highlighted that for me.

And so by thinking this, it usually gets rid of whatever I'm feeling at the time (I have moments when I wonder if I could have done more, for example, or when I wonder if I drove him away (?)). I then shift the focus back onto myself and ask myself "What do I need right now?" And I do it - whether it's reading an uplifting book, taking a walk, writing in my journal etc.

It took me a long time to get to this point, but I'm glad the emotions are becoming far more manageable now.

[Beach_Babe]

That is so encouraging to hear!  How are your siblings doing now?

[Hopeful83]

That is so encouraging to hear!  How are your siblings doing now?

Thankfully my sister entered 'remission' just the other week and my brother is due to an have operation next year (but he's fine). Thank you for asking

[SummerStorm]

SS and C.Stein,

Are you sure that we weren't involved with the same woman?  Or perhaps they are triplets.

After our June parting she hooked up with someone within days.  It was late August before we saw each other again. It was stunning in terms of how quickly I had moved from lover to acquaintance in her life.  Beyond that, she continued to maintain that my replacement was just a "friend" and nothing more.  I guess anything to keep the recycle door open a crack.  Thank goodness I found this site or I would have most probably bought into the ruse.

Haha!  Maybe.  By my count, mine has had about 10 relationships (that I know of) in the past two years or so, not including her affair with me, so I guess anything is possible.

Mine told me that she had broken up with her boyfriend but never told me that she was seeing someone new.  I figured she was, since a few weeks after she broke up with the other guy, a new guy I'd never heard of before liked her profile pic on FB, months after she had posted it.  On September 10th, she went out to dinner with him.  On September 11th, she discarded me for the second time.  On September 30th, she posted about how he cheated on her.  On October 6th, she was telling a new guy that she wanted to run away with him.  Keep in mind that these two were replacements for the guy she called "the reason she would fight to stay alive." 

It really is crazy how a BPD relationship basically goes in reverse.  It starts with intimacy, fades into acquaintanceship, and then just ends.  I was there for her when she was in the hospital, was at work when she sent me a final text on the day she almost died and then had to summon the strength to teach all day, text her boyfriend in between classes, and update the office on how she was doing.  I held her when she was hurting.  At one point, she thought she would eventually marry me.  And then... .nothing.  It was like none of that had happened. 

[joel6242]

I understand your situation very well. I was left with a huge nightmare that can not be fixed until next year. Some days I pray for death. I am not homeless but was left with an avalanche of stuff. I am confident that I will get out of this mess after next year. All I can say is that I will pray for you.

[JSF13]

Mine seems to have 0 remorse for anything she has done. She claims victim. Blames me for her behavior. She is aware that she has had something wrong for a long time. She also finds comfort in being able to manipulate anyone at anytime to believe whatever she wants them to think. She goes as far as bragging about being able to do it. My life is currently in shambles and she couldn't care at all. It hurts the most because I think we (The nonBPDex) sacrafice our own wants needs and wellness to get them comfortable and stable. We will give anything to make them happy but it will never be enough. The fact that we gave all and they walked like it was nothing is what I find so hard to deal with. The amount of love and compassion. Mine would tell me how much she loved me but in hindsight I believe none of it. I absolutely was very in love with my ex and she seems to completely not care. She relays messages through 1 person I was brother/sister like with. I have removed myself from the friendship as she defends the behavior to me. My ex is doing fine and I'm in shambles and you think thats ok? IDK I know how hard it is. I am on week 3 of this breakup. Currently having horrific nightmares and trying to tell myself I didn't create this monster but the way she manipulated me into believing it was me has deff left its mark

[Climbmountains91]

When I met him I didn't have much self esteem left but I had some but now I have non at all. I'm in therapy luckily very slowly building back up but I have non. Broken really in a very bad way and I mean bad, getting there though. Finding myself again. I lost myself in him to much.

[C.Stein]

When I met him I didn't have much self esteem left but I had some but now I have non at all. I'm in therapy luckily very slowly building back up but I have non. Broken really in a very bad way and I mean bad, getting there though. Finding myself again. I lost myself in him to much.

I am broken too and I sacrificed too much of myself to my ex.  I wish I had found out about BPD and this site when our relationship first started.  Things might have turned out much differently.

[Hopeful83]

When I met him I didn't have much self esteem left but I had some but now I have non at all. I'm in therapy luckily very slowly building back up but I have non. Broken really in a very bad way and I mean bad, getting there though. Finding myself again. I lost myself in him to much.

I am broken too and I sacrificed too much of myself to my ex.  I wish I had found out about BPD and this site when our relationship first started.  Things might have turned out much differently.

C.Stein, I've found that things got easier when I started to 'forgive' myself. I had so many ifs and whats and buts running around in my head, and it was clear that I was trying to somehow make sense of the whole situation by putting the blame on myself. I'm not sure if this is the case with you, too, but it definitely was for me. Because the whole thing was nonsensical and I'm a pretty logical person, I was trying to find logic that just didn't exist.

I sat one day and thought "why am I doing this to myself?" First I acknowledged the fact I did the best I could in the relationship with the resources I had to hand. I was also wondering why I had stayed with someone who raged repeatedly at me for the best of two years. So for that, I acknowledged that I loved him, that not all of the relationship had been bad, and that I was genuinely hoping he'd get the help he needed and sort himself out. I forgave myself for putting myself through it, and let it go.

It didn't happen overnight, but it really helped to tell myself that I did the best I could and that the outcome probably wouldn't have been any different anyway.

Hopeful

[C.Stein]

C.Stein, I've found that things got easier when I started to 'forgive' myself. I had so many ifs and whats and buts running around in my head, and it was clear that I was trying to somehow make sense of the whole situation by putting the blame on myself. I'm not sure if this is the case with you, too, but it definitely was for me. Because the whole thing was nonsensical and I'm a pretty logical person, I was trying to find logic that just didn't exist.

Yes, I have been trying to forgive myself.  I can be pretty hard on myself and I am also very logically minded, almost to a fault.  I can see cause and effect in many of the things that led to the relationship imploding.  It is logical in some ways ... .then in others it is not.

I sat one day and thought "why am I doing this to myself?" First I acknowledged the fact I did the best I could in the relationship with the resources I had to hand. I was also wondering why I had stayed with someone who raged repeatedly at me for the best of two years. So for that, I acknowledged that I loved him, that not all of the relationship had been bad, and that I was genuinely hoping he'd get the help he needed and sort himself out. I forgave myself for putting myself through it, and let it go.

It didn't happen overnight, but it really helped to tell myself that I did the best I could and that the outcome probably wouldn't have been any different anyway.

There was no raging in my relationship.  If she is a pwBPD, she is very high functioning and she is more prone to turn the rage inward instead of outward.  That said, she does have a short fuse and gets frustrated/annoyed/angry over the smallest things.  Most of the time this happened it was not directed at me, I was just the sounding board.

I know I need to forgive myself but I also know I could have done things differently, particularly in the last 6 months of our relationship.  Now that I am no longer emotionally numb I have many regrets in this regard even though at the time I felt powerless to do anything differently.  I just let the relationship die but then so did she.  Being the non in the relationship, assuming she is BPD, I failed to play the role I needed to play.  

I hope she does get help, I hope she can find some measure of real happiness and love even if it is not with me.  But I do want her back, I do want another chance to make it work.  I'd be lying to myself if I didn't admit that.

[Climbmountains91]

When I met him I didn't have much self esteem left but I had some but now I have non at all. I'm in therapy luckily very slowly building back up but I have non. Broken really in a very bad way and I mean bad, getting there though. Finding myself again. I lost myself in him to much.

I am broken too and I sacrificed too much of myself to my ex.  I wish I had found out about BPD and this site when our relationship first started.  Things might have turned out much differently.

I'm sorry to hear that  and I know what you mean. I think we could all say that aswell. BPD needs to be more put 'out there', as people know about Bipolar and all but ask someone about BPD there face ?

I hope you are looking after yourself.