Ex asked me if I think she has BPD. Also, my therapist says I exhibit traits.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Kind of a two-fold post.

My ex messaged me today and asked me if I knew about BPD and if I think she has it. After some discussion I told her I cannot diagnose her but think she exhibits the traits of someone with BPD and listed what traits. For the first time since our breakup she actually agreed with my assessment that something else was wrong. I don't even know what to say.

I told her about how my therapist thinks I exhibited traits when I was younger and how I am constantly having suicide dreams; which remind me of when I was close to attempting. It's been a very tough time.

She then went sort of quiet, I hope she is ok. She sent me a link to a site about schema therapy and thinks it might help me since she went through it when she was in the ward. I wish she would still talk to me... .and not disappear like that. I don't think she really wanted to hear about me, although she seemed like it. I don't know. It's likes he clings to me when she is depressed and when she is "well" she hardly responds.

I asked if we could go to the movies with her son this weekend, I am having an incredibly painful time separating from him. She of course is now not responding, she got what she wanted and left. *sigh* I miss her and love her... .I can't even tell her that else my chances at seeing my step-son will evaporate. (ex-step son i guess)

I just don't know what to do. I suffer daily. I can cut ties with her I guess, tell her I cannot be here anymore and I cannot be friends. Just accept I am no longer a parent and have no rights.

[Polis_Ohio]

Kind of a two-fold post.

My ex messaged me today and asked me if I knew about BPD and if I think she has it. After some discussion I told her I cannot diagnose her but think she exhibits the traits of someone with BPD and listed what traits. For the first time since our breakup she actually agreed with my assessment that something else was wrong. I don't even know what to say.

I told her about how my therapist thinks I exhibited traits when I was younger and how I am constantly having suicide dreams; which remind me of when I was close to attempting. It's been a very tough time.

She then went sort of quiet, I hope she is ok. She sent me a link to a site about schema therapy and thinks it might help me since she went through it when she was in the ward. I wish she would still talk to me... .and not disappear like that. I don't think she really wanted to hear about me, although she seemed like it. I don't know. It's likes he clings to me when she is depressed and when she is "well" she hardly responds.

I asked if we could go to the movies with her son this weekend, I am having an incredibly painful time separating from him. She of course is now not responding, she got what she wanted and left. *sigh* I miss her and love her... .I can't even tell her that else my chances at seeing my step-son will evaporate. (ex-step son i guess)

I just don't know what to do. I suffer daily. I can cut ties with her I guess, tell her I cannot be here anymore and I cannot be friends. Just accept I am no longer a parent and have no rights.

[MSNYC]

I deal with this yo-yo'ing when it comes to being in contact all the time. Sometimes he is in constant/regular contact with me (like this past weekend he was in a place we vacationed together and was texting me about his blues all the time; of course I was there to engage with him). But when he's off doing his own thing (god knows what), he will take 2 days or more to respond to a text. I know he isn't someone I could rely on if I were to really go through something. Part of being in a relationship with someone with BPD is that you don't get to exist in an emotionally full way.

I'm sorry about your step son. I am glad I didn't become closer to my ex's children; I do miss his mom a lot though because she was really nice to me.

[OnceConfused]

if it means to be then your x step son can reconnect with you once he is an adult.

At this point in time, be careful and let not the youngster be in the triangulation.

[Polis_Ohio]

I think one issue is that she doesn't even see her son all that often, he lives with his father. I am being told to talk to his father to see him since he is amiable to that as long as he's around as well. I feel like I would be betraying my ex if I did that, I don't know why maybe because I am uncomfortable upsetting the situation we have now.

Yesterday was just strange, I don't know what she's going to do with the realization she might have borderline personality disorder. I wish she still had a shred of love for me, who knows though.

I need to make sure her son is not being used as a tool against me. I already did something stupid and loaned her a few hundred to help her get a car after she asked me. She'll pay me back but now i have to keep in contact with her.

I never did get to say bye to my step son... .not even a hug and sugar coated lie about what was happening.

[cosmonaut]

Almost everyone has BPD traits to some extent.  It is a continuum.  Full blown BPD on one extreme end, healthy on the other, and a whole lot in the middle.  We all need attachment.  We all fear abandonment.  We all can feel overwhelmed by a relationship.  We can feel unheard and unseen by our partner.  We can all feel that our partner doesn't respond to our needs.  We can feel angry and hurt because of it.  We all can react in unhealthy ways to these fears and emotions.

This is what we mean when we say that we can work to improve ourselves.  We all have our own issues (not our fault) that we can address in order to be a better partner and to have healthier relationships.  Ultimately, this is all that we have control over.  Our ex will contact us when it is something that they can emotionally handle.  They will control the timetable and forcing the issue never seems to go well.  We are a trigger for them, and a source of extreme emotion.  Take that as a sign that you mean a great deal to them.  You would never have become a trigger otherwise.

[Polis_Ohio]

Yes all we can control and be responsible for ourselves is ourselves. I've had depression for nearly a decade, anxiety, been suicidal and I am very codependent, I like caring for people to feel whole. I also have a chameleon personality and don't know what I am truly like. I have worked hard on this and will continue to so I don't constantly have relationships where I lose what self identity I have.

I think it's time I have to cut all ties; I'm glad she realizes she exhibits strong BPD traits and is going to talk to her psychiatrist but I don't want to be kept around to be emotionally dumped on while she is sleeping around. We are having lunch on Friday, I will say bye and clean up any ties we have monetarily and her material stuff.

[cloudten]

It sure does sound like you have had a rough time with everything. I am sure it would really hurt to lose the relationship with her son. Maybe you can work it out with the dad to see him once a month until the boy is old enough to choose for himself?

I wouldn't hold any emotional attachment to the money you loaned her... .I think you should go into it not expecting to see that again. As a general rule in my life, I never loan money... .ever ever ever. It strains the relationship. If someone, even a family member, were so destitute to ask me (a single mom who barely makes it as is)... .i would gift them the money- never expecting it in return.

Do you really need to have lunch with her? I don't think you should expect a lot of closure on this. You are dealing with a mental 5 year old.

I am a little worried about your expectations, I suppose. What are you expecting? There's a possibility she won't even show up.

I follow the motto "Hope for the best but expect the worse."

[Polis_Ohio]

Eh if she says she would show up, she would, but she cancelled as I expected. She does want to be friends but she's just ignoring me now after agreeing to have lunch then saying we would figure out something this weekend, so that's that. I wanted to see if we could actually be friends and if not just end our contact.

I don't want to go behind her back and ask about her son since she has custody rights and not the kid's father. Although I think he might try to take custody of him

Regarding the money, it was not much and I won't feel at a loss if I never get it back. She hates borrowing money though, but that was the previous her, the one I married. Now, who knows, she is so different; heck she hated, HATED lying to me and that's all she does now.

I need to disconnect myself; unless something changes drastically in her I cannot stick around to be used. All she does is come to me when emotional or when she needs something she cannot do herself. This past weekend just proved that she really doesn't have any intention of keeping her plans with me, ever. She is the one that kept saying how upset she was we were not friends after she left. That is what I have been trying to do, be friends. I don't need more frustration and sadness piled on top of what I'm already dealing with.

Hopefully she just doesn't reach out anymore. In a few days I can tell her to please come get her stuff. I love her to bits but this is ridiculous, I wouldn't even treat my most casual of friends like this.

[cloudten]

I'm sorry. I know it hurts.

I am not terribly surprised she cancelled.

Is there anyway you can arrange a porch exchange of her stuff. I highly doubt she will come get it. You could do a porch exchange... .just drop it off when she isnt there so you dont have to sit and stare at it.

[Polis_Ohio]

Yes I am going to tell her Friday that I will be bringing her stuff over on Sunday, assuming I don't hear from her earlier. Somehow I doubt it, I bet she is upset that her previous ex's fiance has been talking to me and we went out with our friends Friday. My ex hates her for some weird reason.