Daughter with BPD

[Bello]

Hello,

I have been trying to manage a relationship with my 38 year old daughter who has been diagnosed with BPD and she has been declared mentally disabled because of this disorder. I did not understand the disorder until recently. I have a lot of guilt and realize I have been doing it all wrong. I want to help my daughter but do not know how. She understands her disorder and is doing the best she can especially under the recent tragedy of losing her two children through a CPS case for the second time in the last four years. I feel desperate and I am barely clinging to any hope after losing my two grand children and my daughter to this awful disorder. This is my first attempt at a support group or any kind of self help which was recommended by a friend. My daughter wants to mend our relationship but only under her terms. I have spent thousands upon thousand of dollars supporting her as she is unable to hold a job or take care of herself in a healthy way. She has abused Meth for years and self medicates although she is trying to stop on her own. I feel she needs professional help but she does not have insurance and I cannot motivate her enough to get Obamacare nor do I know if something like this is covered. When we try to have a conversation she flies off the handle abruptly. It is to the point she is threatening to either mend our relationship and work things out or she will move off to a place where she can begin life over and not tell me where she is. We are still involved in a court procedure involving her two children and I have retained an attorney to try and keep both of them in my life but there are two different dads and the Juvenile Court has awarded custody to the dads because my daughter was not mentally able to complete the demands of the court because of her disorder and the funds ran out that funded the help she was trying to get. The court refused to pay for help for her being the second time the children were removed from the home and she did not pass a few drug tests. I am at a loss as to where to begin and would appreciate any advice to start with.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

hi Bello, I'm glad that your friend encouraged you to get support for yourself.  It is so very much needed for  us as parents and individuals to be connected to others who understand our struggles and can help us.

There is so much loss and ongoing loss in you and your daughter's lives.  :'(

How are the grandkids doing through all of this?

Dealing with the addiction seems paramount.  Dealing with the addiction and the mental illness simultaneously is the better approach.  Most insurance will cover addiction treatment and finding a dual diagnoses treatment program would be advisable.  Is this something your daughter would participate in? 

Learning about your daughter's limitations, needs, thinking errors and belief system can help you understand, empathize, and communicate with her more effectively.  We have all the info here to help you do that along with the support and understanding of the  membership.

lbjnltx

[Bello]

Thank you. Yes, i think my daughter will participate but not sure. We are not talking right now because it causes her too much stress and with the disorder her body swells until the skin is very tight and painful. You can see it happening.

My grand children are doing okay but they miss their mom very much. Daughter is not doing well at all because she only gets to see the grand daughter one hour per week since it is still in the DCFS case which may be closed this December. She does not get to see her son at all as the father won't let her until she goes into a 6 month in house treatment center and then I don't even know if he will allow it then. No visitation was set up with the court case.  I am hanging in there and hoping for the best and thank you for your response. 

[lbjnltx]

The physical manifestations of stress on the human body is mind blowing sometimes... .(wish we had a head exploding emoticon).

It sounds like your d could really benefit from a validating approach to the feelings surrounding the loss of her children, her physical pain, her fears, addressing her addictions, and getting treatment.

Being able to have a discussion about solutions can take time as trust is built through validation and feelings are dampened to give the logical thought process a chance to participate.  Is this something you want to invest time and energy into learning about?

lbjnltx

[Bello]

The physical manifestations of stress on the human body is mind blowing sometimes... .(wish we had a head exploding emoticon).

It sounds like your d could really benefit from a validating approach to the feelings surrounding the loss of her children, her physical pain, her fears, addressing her addictions, and getting treatment.

Being able to have a discussion about solutions can take time as trust is built through validation and feelings are dampened to give the logical thought process a chance to participate.  Is this something you want to invest time and energy into learning about?

lbjnltx

[bpdmom1]

My heart goes out to you!

I don't have any answers, but can share with only some of your frustration.