is my ex BPD?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Been dating for a year. We live two hours away on average. At 6 months she wanted me to move in with her. I told her at the time it was too soon. At 8 months she asked again and said she really needed me there. I agreed to and said I would wait for a transfer within my company (we have an office 20 minutes from her) but couldn't guarantee it would happen right away.

We had a great relationship and loved each other very much. We started to plan a future together. She wanted to get married. She loved how I was with her kids and said I would be a great stepparent. She always moved a little faster than me but I figured it was just her personality. She was divorced and married her ex two months after knowing him.

There were definite red flags that she had some serious emotional issues. I noticed them but didn't realize how deep they went. I wanted to support her as a loving partner and help her through her issues. She would tell me that she was damaged from her childhood. That her parents abandoned her and she had to live with her real dad who neglected her. She eventually had to live with grandparents. She was in abusive relationships before getting married and her ex-husband, while not abusive, was bi-polar with manic episodes. According to her he also neglected her sexually.

It was around the time she first asked me to move in that i started to see emotional outbursts from her. She would text me that she didn't like being alone in her apartment. She had a 50/50 arrangement with her ex when it came to the kids. During the weekdays she didn't have the kids she said she would just sit in her apartment and cry. I would ask her why, if it was because she missed her kids or if it was another issue. She'd always just say that she just can't be alone here. Being alone became such a fear of hers that she would often drive the 2 hrs to me after work, stay the night, and then go directly to work from my place the next day. At the time I couldn't understand why she didn't like to be alone but after the break up I started to put all the pieces together and traced it back to her abandonment issues as a child. More on that in a bit.

Our relationship was strong except for the distance issue which kept coming up. I felt such a bond with her (still do) and she would tell me (and show me) often how much she loved me. The couple months the issue of me moving there would come up often. I think in the last month of our relationship she brought it up every time I saw her. I would also get frantic texts about how she needs me there now and that the distance and her being alone is emotionally and physically exhausting and she doesn't know how much longer she could do it. I heard her and there wasn't a lot i could do. I couldn't just quit my job and move there and the commute for work would have been too far. I would ask if she could just have a little more patience but she was insistent on me moving ASAP. It felt like she was cracking up and at the time I couldn't understand it. It's only now that we've been broken up for a couple weeks that I've been able to put on the pieces of this puzzle together.

One day she texted me that her ex asked for her back and that she was considering it. I was in disbelief. The day before she said she wanted to grow old with me. We were laying in bed and talking about our future and talking about getting a bigger apartment when I moved in her area. She called me the next day and told me she was going back to her ex and that he apologized for all his bad behavior. I was floored. I didn't know what to say. She never once said anything nice about him. Not only was she taking him back but she moved him in the next day.

When I asked her why she said the thought of having a whole family together was too tempting. She said that I was refusing to hear her desperate cries and that she couldn't wait for me any longer. I asked if she loved him. She wouldn't answer and only said that as the father of her children she'll always have some feelings for him.

I needed some time to recover so I didn't call her or text her after that. A few days later she texted me and asked how I was doing. I told her that I was fine and that I was taking a trip to San Francisco to get my mind off it. She asked if I was staying with an ex-gf there. I said that I was. The night before my trip we got into a verbal fight over text. She said that I was a jerk for running into the arms of some woman. I said it didn't concern her and if it made her jealous then good. I later said that she needed to get help with her emotional issues. This set her off and she sent me a barrage of nasty texts. I figured the communication was over with. But when my fight landed I had more texts from her. She wanted to know if i arrived safely and then there were a couple texts asking if i was really staying with an ex. Just to try to end the convo I said that I probably wasn't. She said , "Okay... then have a nice life." I didn't want to end it like that so i said I'd email her later. I sent her an email later on that night that basically highlighted all the positives of our relationship and how much we love each other. She responded that she had been waiting anxiously all day for my email and that its emails like that that make her cry and make it so hard. She said that its best for now that we step away from each other. I said I agreed. She then replied that she loves me so much she cries all night. She loves me so much she has to force herself not to think about me.

I didn't get it at the time. Then why did she leave and take the ex back? But as i started looking at all the signs i noticed that the love she had for me couldn't trump her fear of being abandoned. A couple days before she broke it off with me I got a text from her asking if i was sure I'd be happy living with her away from where my friends and family are. Throughout the last few months of our relationship she would ask if i was going to break up with her. I would tell her of course not. At the time I thought it was just an insecurity she had. Now I realize that it was much more than that. It was about deep seeded abandonment issues. It frightened her to death that she would be left alone. She feared that I would move there and grow tired of her then dump her.

By taking the ex back she never has to worry about being abandoned. He won't leave her. We exchanged keys a couple days after the breakup and when she got home she texted me that she misses me and cries. She admitted she was still in love with me but that she had to give the ex another chance. She couldn't admit the real reason which was that she was spiraling out of control and the ex was instant stability and removed her greatest fear.

When I look at the BPD symptoms she clicks off several of them:

- extreme reactions to fear of abandonment (real or perceived)

- unstable self image

- stormy relationships with family, friends, loved ones

-impulsive behaviors (she cheated on her husband three times, binge-eating)

- chronic feelings of emptiness

My friends have said I dodged a bullet. I know I have but it's still very difficult because we developed a strong bond and fell in love with each other. In the end I think her fear of abandonment trumped all that.

[jimmy99]

Been dating for a year. We live two hours away on average. At 6 months she wanted me to move in with her. I told her at the time it was too soon. At 8 months she asked again and said she really needed me there. I agreed to and said I would wait for a transfer within my company (we have an office 20 minutes from her) but couldn't guarantee it would happen right away.

We had a great relationship and loved each other very much. We started to plan a future together. She wanted to get married. She loved how I was with her kids and said I would be a great stepparent. She always moved a little faster than me but I figured it was just her personality. She was divorced and married her ex two months after knowing him.

There were definite red flags that she had some serious emotional issues. I noticed them but didn't realize how deep they went. I wanted to support her as a loving partner and help her through her issues. She would tell me that she was damaged from her childhood. That her parents abandoned her and she had to live with her real dad who neglected her. She eventually had to live with grandparents. She was in abusive relationships before getting married and her ex-husband, while not abusive, was bi-polar with manic episodes. According to her he also neglected her sexually.

It was around the time she first asked me to move in that i started to see emotional outbursts from her. She would text me that she didn't like being alone in her apartment. She had a 50/50 arrangement with her ex when it came to the kids. During the weekdays she didn't have the kids she said she would just sit in her apartment and cry. I would ask her why, if it was because she missed her kids or if it was another issue. She'd always just say that she just can't be alone here. Being alone became such a fear of hers that she would often drive the 2 hrs to me after work, stay the night, and then go directly to work from my place the next day. At the time I couldn't understand why she didn't like to be alone but after the break up I started to put all the pieces together and traced it back to her abandonment issues as a child. More on that in a bit.

Our relationship was strong except for the distance issue which kept coming up. I felt such a bond with her (still do) and she would tell me (and show me) often how much she loved me. The couple months the issue of me moving there would come up often. I think in the last month of our relationship she brought it up every time I saw her. I would also get frantic texts about how she needs me there now and that the distance and her being alone is emotionally and physically exhausting and she doesn't know how much longer she could do it. I heard her and there wasn't a lot i could do. I couldn't just quit my job and move there and the commute for work would have been too far. I would ask if she could just have a little more patience but she was insistent on me moving ASAP. It felt like she was cracking up and at the time I couldn't understand it. It's only now that we've been broken up for a couple weeks that I've been able to put on the pieces of this puzzle together.

One day she texted me that her ex asked for her back and that she was considering it. I was in disbelief. The day before she said she wanted to grow old with me. We were laying in bed and talking about our future and talking about getting a bigger apartment when I moved in her area. She called me the next day and told me she was going back to her ex and that he apologized for all his bad behavior. I was floored. I didn't know what to say. She never once said anything nice about him. Not only was she taking him back but she moved him in the next day.

When I asked her why she said the thought of having a whole family together was too tempting. She said that I was refusing to hear her desperate cries and that she couldn't wait for me any longer. I asked if she loved him. She wouldn't answer and only said that as the father of her children she'll always have some feelings for him.

I needed some time to recover so I didn't call her or text her after that. A few days later she texted me and asked how I was doing. I told her that I was fine and that I was taking a trip to San Francisco to get my mind off it. She asked if I was staying with an ex-gf there. I said that I was. The night before my trip we got into a verbal fight over text. She said that I was a jerk for running into the arms of some woman. I said it didn't concern her and if it made her jealous then good. I later said that she needed to get help with her emotional issues. This set her off and she sent me a barrage of nasty texts. I figured the communication was over with. But when my fight landed I had more texts from her. She wanted to know if i arrived safely and then there were a couple texts asking if i was really staying with an ex. Just to try to end the convo I said that I probably wasn't. She said , "Okay... then have a nice life." I didn't want to end it like that so i said I'd email her later. I sent her an email later on that night that basically highlighted all the positives of our relationship and how much we love each other. She responded that she had been waiting anxiously all day for my email and that its emails like that that make her cry and make it so hard. She said that its best for now that we step away from each other. I said I agreed. She then replied that she loves me so much she cries all night. She loves me so much she has to force herself not to think about me.

I didn't get it at the time. Then why did she leave and take the ex back? But as i started looking at all the signs i noticed that the love she had for me couldn't trump her fear of being abandoned. A couple days before she broke it off with me I got a text from her asking if i was sure I'd be happy living with her away from where my friends and family are. Throughout the last few months of our relationship she would ask if i was going to break up with her. I would tell her of course not. At the time I thought it was just an insecurity she had. Now I realize that it was much more than that. It was about deep seeded abandonment issues. It frightened her to death that she would be left alone. She feared that I would move there and grow tired of her then dump her.

By taking the ex back she never has to worry about being abandoned. He won't leave her. We exchanged keys a couple days after the breakup and when she got home she texted me that she misses me and cries. She admitted she was still in love with me but that she had to give the ex another chance. She couldn't admit the real reason which was that she was spiraling out of control and the ex was instant stability and removed her greatest fear.

When I look at the BPD symptoms she clicks off several of them:

- extreme reactions to fear of abandonment (real or perceived)

- unstable self image

- stormy relationships with family, friends, loved ones

-impulsive behaviors (she cheated on her husband three times, binge-eating)

- chronic feelings of emptiness

My friends have said I dodged a bullet. I know I have but it's still very difficult because we developed a strong bond and fell in love with each other. In the end I think her fear of abandonment trumped all that.

[babyducks]

hi jimmy99

and welcome.  I can appreciate everything you wrote.   and I understand how difficult your experience has been.

by now you probably know that people who suffer, and I think they really suffer, with this disorder believe that the  intense emotions of the moment are totally accurate and will last forever.   

which means if they get annoyed with you, they want you to go away for ever.   and if they feel lonely for you, or some one else unfortunately, that means they will want to  rekindle a connection.

it must be a hellish way to live.   and unfortunately they can take us along for the journey.   

you sound pretty convinced that she has traits of the disorder.   is there a particular doubt you would like to talk more about?

'ducks

[jimmy99]

hi jimmy99

and welcome.  I can appreciate everything you wrote.   and I understand how difficult your experience has been.

by now you probably know that people who suffer, and I think they really suffer, with this disorder believe that the  intense emotions of the moment are totally accurate and will last forever.   

which means if they get annoyed with you, they want you to go away for ever.   and if they feel lonely for you, or some one else unfortunately, that means they will want to  rekindle a connection.

it must be a hellish way to live.   and unfortunately they can take us along for the journey.   

you sound pretty convinced that she has traits of the disorder.   is there a particular doubt you would like to talk more about?

'ducks

She works in behavioral health and I remember we once had a conversation about mental illness. She made the comment that its more common then you think. She said that my level of anxiety can be a mental illness. I asked if she had any form of mental illness and she replied that she was borderline. At the time I had no idea what that meant and I think I  just assumed that she meant she was on the border of not having a mental illness and having one. I only recollected that conversation recently when I explained what happened to a friend and he said it sounded like she had borderline personality disorder. Then I started looking at the signs and she had quite a few of them.

One of the things that stood out early on in our relationship was how anxious she would get if I didn't reply to a text in a timely manner. On those occasions she would follow up with another text that would say something like "did I say something wrong?" or "maybe you're busy. I can leave you alone."  One time I didn't call her back in a timely manner and she told me that I had abandoned her all night.

I've been reading a lot of stories about people who suffer with BPD and those who are in relationships with them. A common theme seems to be angry outbursts and the person with BPD being aggressive and mean to their partner. She was never that. I don't think she was ever mean to me. She was never violent. She did get what I thought was unreasonably angry at me for things that most partners wouldn't even consider an offense. And it always involved some kind of perceived abandonment. One time I spent a saturday with my family (it was something I told her about weeks in advance. She couldn't come because she had her kids that day) and she got very angry over text with me. I don't remember the exact words but the theme was that I abandoned them that day. When I showed up at her house the next morning she gave me a big hug and looked me in the eye with a very worried face and asked if I was going to break up with her. I said I wasn't.

The way she broke up with me is consistent with a lot of stories I've been reading about BPD relationships. One day she was saying she wants me in her bed every night and that she wants to grow old with me. Literally the next day she calls me and says she is going back to her ex because she has to give him another chance. Then over text she became very cold and all she would say was "I'm sorry I hurt you. It was never my intention."  At this time I didn't know what BPD was and I was confused and in complete shock.

She would later say that she felt I was distant lately and that I was losing desire for her and that plus me not moving in with her made her susceptible to her ex's feelings. The day before I told her I would see her on Friday and Saturday but might leave Sunday morning. She was working Saturday and Sunday but always wanted me to stay at her apartment even when she was working (or at least in her area... I could run errands do stuff etc. But she wanted me there when she got back from work) When I said I might leave Sunday morning she rolled her eyes. She was really annoyed by that and I think it might have set off some abandonment trigger. Because that whole day is when she said her and her ex started texting and she said that it all went down that day (him asking for her back. Her contemplating it). It was totally impulsive and by the time she moved him back in I could tell she regretted it. She almost said as much when she texted me and said she missed me but "what's done is done"

After the coldness of the original texts after the breakup I really expected her to just shut me out and I didn't think we'd have much or any communication. But a couple days later she texted me and asked how I was doing. Then she made small talk. As the days went on she became more and more emotional. She'd make comments like "I fear you will hate me after your trip to SF" and one of the last texts was that she loves me so much she has to force herself not to think of our relationship. That conversation ended with her saying we needed to step back and she needed to give her partner 100%. I agreed we needed to step back. I don't really know what step back means in a BPD context.

I'm still in a bit of shocked about all this. It only makes sense when looked at as coming from someone with a mental illness. Someone like you said who can be so governed by the emotion at the moment that they think it's the right one.

I'm still in the stage where I want her back. I don't really see any way of it happening, though.

[OnceConfused]

WOW. Her behaviors sound like a classic BPD one.

Based on what I know now of BPD, I do think you just dodge a bullet. Her leaving you to go back to the ex is a blessing in disguise.

Go ahead and read many of the posts here, about the pain and the craziness with BPD. you should be glad that she is out. Try to fight that attachment feeling of going back to her.

Trust me, she will continue to contact you to put you in the wing so to speak. She will call or text you when things go south with her x. so get out totally,

[jimmy99]

WOW. Her behaviors sound like a classic BPD one.

Based on what I know now of BPD, I do think you just dodge a bullet. Her leaving you to go back to the ex is a blessing in disguise.

Go ahead and read many of the posts here, about the pain and the craziness with BPD. you should be glad that she is out. Try to fight that attachment feeling of going back to her.

Trust me, she will continue to contact you to put you in the wing so to speak. She will call or text you when things go south with her x. so get out totally,

Yeah, it sounds like things would have gotten worse once I moved in. It's just so hard to fight that attachment feeling because I miss her a lot. I didn't experience much of a devaluation period so there aren't really many negative experiences in the relationship except for how she broke it off.

I think she did devalue me in the end, though. She told me afterwards that the day before she broke it off when she saw me she wasn't excited to see me like she had always been. She also mentioned that lately little things about me started to bother her while before they didn't.

I am pretty sure what preceded her viewing me negatively was an incident where I said I couldn't see her on a day that I said I would. I said I had some work to do and couldn't have any distractions. I think that triggered something in her. Maybe abandonment or neglect. I'm not sure. But I know it bothered her because the day she broke up I told her to call me when she got off work and she said that she wanted to leave me alone tonight so she wouldn't be a distraction.

I think that might have made her think I was "all bad" as some have said BPDers do. And then her abandonment might have kicked in and she had her ex who she knew still wanted her. He was a safe choice for her. After the break up she would say to me that she stands by her decision and she knew she had to give it a chance with him.

She was very cold the day after the break up with her responses and over the phone. I was for sure in devaluation mode there.

The week and a half after the break up she was warming up. I sensed regret that she boxed herself into the decision so impulsively. She said multiple times she missed me. She said her partner is worried she is going to leave him again for me because as she put it, "he knows how I feel about you". She told me she loves me so much she has to force herself not to think about me. Was she back in idealization? She was the one that suggested "stepping back". I wondered why she didn't just say goodbye. She admitted she was jealous I was staying with another girl when visiting San Fran. Did that jealously jolt her out of devaluating me?

It's all so sudden and shocking. It would be one thing if she was jekyl and hyde with me in the relationship. But she wasn't. Reading stories here though I'm sure that was to come.

[babyducks]

hope you don't mind a question jimmy,

what do you think your take aways are from this r/s?  what did you learn?

OnceConfused thinks you dodged a bullet.  I have to say that's not been my experience.   so my perspective is different.   I think I got a couple of really great gifts out of my relationship.   

Was she back in idealization? She was the one that suggested "stepping back". I wondered why she didn't just say goodbye. She admitted she was jealous I was staying with another girl when visiting San Fran. Did that jealously jolt her out of devaluating me?

pwBPD have very low impulse control.  could you be seeing the effect of her flip flopping emotions, very likely.   a lot of times its not about you, it's about something they are feeling.

'ducks

[jimmy99]

hope you don't mind a question jimmy,

what do you think your take aways are from this r/s?  what did you learn?

OnceConfused thinks you dodged a bullet.  I have to say that's not been my experience.   so my perspective is different.   I think I got a couple of really great gifts out of my relationship.   

Was she back in idealization? She was the one that suggested "stepping back". I wondered why she didn't just say goodbye. She admitted she was jealous I was staying with another girl when visiting San Fran. Did that jealously jolt her out of devaluating me?

pwBPD have very low impulse control.  could you be seeing the effect of her flip flopping emotions, very likely.   a lot of times its not about you, it's about something they are feeling.

'ducks

OnceConfused is probably right given the emotional arc that BPD's take with their partners. I had just not yet experienced a lot of the crazy stuff. We didn't live together, though. So, that might have happened.

I guess one takeaway is I have to listen more. Or ask more questions. For instance when she was texting me stuff like "I can't spend one more minute in my apartment alone!" I should have sat her down and had a conversation about why she feels this way and what is going on emotionally/psychologically with her. Same goes for when she would say she needs me to move in right away for her own sanity. I would just say that I am looking for a job in the area and I can't wait to get there, too. Instead we should have had a rational conversation about why she feels this way and then set a rational time table for me to move. Maybe those conversations would have revealed the depth of her BPD and that would have helped me be more emotionally supportive.

I think I ended up just getting dragged along by her emotions. Like, when she would text me stuff like that it would just ramp up my own anxiety.

I'm still in complete shock that we aren't together. I was scrolling through text messages and the whole time leading up to actual day she breaks it off she's texting stuff like "over a year and you still give me butterflies" "The distance is hard on us but in the end if I have the man I fell in love with it's worth it"

Like i said in this thread. I think me canceling the sunday on her and saying (regrettably) that I can't have any distractions that day because I have to do some work was the trigger that made her put me in devaluation mode. And then she was purely governed by the emotion of the moment. And that emotion was that I was abandoning her and that I would continue to abandon her. I think me not moving in on her time also made her angry. It's classic BPD, right? Then she went to the supply and knew the ex would never abandon her.

Afterwards she's said a couple times that she stands by her decision. But it was never an actual decision. It was just going with the emotion of the moment.

[jimmy99]

She texted me today. She said in the text that she was fighting not contacting me but gave in. She wanted to know if I was okay.

This is like the third post breakup text I've gotten asking if I'm okay. And this one came after she said that we have to step back from each other. It had been 10 days since contact.

What do you think these texts mean? Why does she have to fight not to contact me? She did the breaking up. I don't think it's about her wanting to know if i'm okay at all. I think it's about something else.

I told her I thought she had BPD. She was surprised by that and basically said she didn't. But she did agree she has abandonment issues.

We had quite a long conversation. She admitted that missing me is very hard for her. I tried to stay away from saying anything emotional. I could tell she was going back and forth about her decision. In one text she'd say that she stands by her decision to go back to her ex. She admitted that the reason for doing so was that she needs structure in her life and that being alone was very difficult for her. Then she would make comments that she regretted the decision. She said that we just couldn't continue because of the distance which I understand. Towards the end of the conversation she said she is haunted by what she did.

She was also asking about an ex-gf she knows that I hung out with recently. She seems to be very jealous about that.