hi jimmy99
and welcome. I can appreciate everything you wrote. and I understand how difficult your experience has been.
by now you probably know that people who suffer, and I think they really suffer, with this disorder believe that the intense emotions of the moment are totally accurate and will last forever.
which means if they get annoyed with you, they want you to go away for ever. and if they feel lonely for you, or some one else unfortunately, that means they will want to rekindle a connection.
it must be a hellish way to live. and unfortunately they can take us along for the journey.
you sound pretty convinced that she has traits of the disorder. is there a particular doubt you would like to talk more about?
'ducks
She works in behavioral health and I remember we once had a conversation about mental illness. She made the comment that its more common then you think. She said that my level of anxiety can be a mental illness. I asked if she had any form of mental illness and she replied that she was borderline. At the time I had no idea what that meant and I think I just assumed that she meant she was on the border of not having a mental illness and having one. I only recollected that conversation recently when I explained what happened to a friend and he said it sounded like she had borderline personality disorder. Then I started looking at the signs and she had quite a few of them.
One of the things that stood out early on in our relationship was how anxious she would get if I didn't reply to a text in a timely manner. On those occasions she would follow up with another text that would say something like "did I say something wrong?" or "maybe you're busy. I can leave you alone." One time I didn't call her back in a timely manner and she told me that I had abandoned her all night.
I've been reading a lot of stories about people who suffer with BPD and those who are in relationships with them. A common theme seems to be angry outbursts and the person with BPD being aggressive and mean to their partner. She was never that. I don't think she was ever mean to me. She was never violent. She did get what I thought was unreasonably angry at me for things that most partners wouldn't even consider an offense. And it always involved some kind of perceived abandonment. One time I spent a saturday with my family (it was something I told her about weeks in advance. She couldn't come because she had her kids that day) and she got very angry over text with me. I don't remember the exact words but the theme was that I abandoned them that day. When I showed up at her house the next morning she gave me a big hug and looked me in the eye with a very worried face and asked if I was going to break up with her. I said I wasn't.
The way she broke up with me is consistent with a lot of stories I've been reading about BPD relationships. One day she was saying she wants me in her bed every night and that she wants to grow old with me. Literally the next day she calls me and says she is going back to her ex because she has to give him another chance. Then over text she became very cold and all she would say was "I'm sorry I hurt you. It was never my intention." At this time I didn't know what BPD was and I was confused and in complete shock.
She would later say that she felt I was distant lately and that I was losing desire for her and that plus me not moving in with her made her susceptible to her ex's feelings. The day before I told her I would see her on Friday and Saturday but might leave Sunday morning. She was working Saturday and Sunday but always wanted me to stay at her apartment even when she was working (or at least in her area... I could run errands do stuff etc. But she wanted me there when she got back from work) When I said I might leave Sunday morning she rolled her eyes. She was really annoyed by that and I think it might have set off some abandonment trigger. Because that whole day is when she said her and her ex started texting and she said that it all went down that day (him asking for her back. Her contemplating it). It was totally impulsive and by the time she moved him back in I could tell she regretted it. She almost said as much when she texted me and said she missed me but "what's done is done"
After the coldness of the original texts after the breakup I really expected her to just shut me out and I didn't think we'd have much or any communication. But a couple days later she texted me and asked how I was doing. Then she made small talk. As the days went on she became more and more emotional. She'd make comments like "I fear you will hate me after your trip to SF" and one of the last texts was that she loves me so much she has to force herself not to think of our relationship. That conversation ended with her saying we needed to step back and she needed to give her partner 100%. I agreed we needed to step back. I don't really know what step back means in a BPD context.
I'm still in a bit of shocked about all this. It only makes sense when looked at as coming from someone with a mental illness. Someone like you said who can be so governed by the emotion at the moment that they think it's the right one.
I'm still in the stage where I want her back. I don't really see any way of it happening, though.
