My Husband is showing signs of BPD

[Jason96B]

Hello,

I am a 10 year Army Veteran, Honorable discharge, 36 years old, gay and married to my partner 5 years (together with him for 8).  He has recently determined that he may have BPD.  As we look in hindsight at the years past, it makes a lot of sense.  It has become difficult for me.  As an Afghanistan and Iraq veteran, I have my own set of issues I deal with regularly.  I've sought out treatment and have grown immensely to be able to exist in the "regular" world.  I really don't know what to do with my partner of 8 years.  I just need to not be alone.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JQ]

Hi Jason,

I see it's your first post ... .Welcome to the Group brother! Here you wont be alone ... .you'll find others who have been & might still be in the situation similar to yours. You'll find no judgement here ... .ask the questions you need too ... .we can only tell you what has worked for us or what didn't work for us. What we can't do for you is make your decisions or tell you what path to take on your journey.  There are no quick answers with BPD ... .and whether you stay or go ... .you have a lot of homework to do. I would encourage you to read the references to the right & to the top of the page. Since you're familiar with PTSD, depression yourself and most likely have sought out and had professional assistance I would encourage you to do the same with your feelings, thoughts, emotions on BPD. I would suggest to read books you can find at your local library like, "I hate you ... don't leave me", "stop walking on eggshells" and "The Human Magnet Syndrome" ... .just to mentioned a couple.

BPD is a very serious mental / behavioral illness ... .it started long before you showed up in the picture. You said he has recently "determined" he may have BPD ... .I would encourage him to also seek out professional therapy to get an official determination and proper therapy that might be DPT. You're both entitled to VA counseling AND there is a VET center near you that will help with counseling as well ... .both are free of cost and you both have already paid for it by serving our country. It's not a handout ... .it's a hand up. VET centers are a great source of counseling on a personal level but they also have marriage / couples counseling too. The VET center was started by Vietnam Vets who didn't trust the government but need counseling ... .it's part of the VA but completely separate & autonomous ... .the meetings & records generated there on their own separate servers and the "BIG VA" will never have access to them ... .thank your Vietnam Vet brothers and sisters for that.

I feel for you brother ... .it's difficult to deal with a loved one with BPD and the demons you face from multiple tours to Iraq & Afghanistan. I myself retired recently from the military & deal with my own demons of PTSD in addition to a physical injury that left my right leg partially paralyzed. Add to that my own recent experience with my exBPDgf and I had a full plate like you.  I was ordered to go to therapy when I blew up at my Senior Enlisted leader at my last command before retirement ... .yeah so I was kinda ordered to go. 18 months later after weekly sessions ... .I learned that it wasn't a sign of weakness to go to therapy but a great sense of strength to ask for help ... .no one person has all the answers ... .being senior enlisted myself it was a hard lesson to learn ... .it's like having a battle buddy ... .someone always has your six     

You'll learn a whole new language of BPD ... .things like validation, gas lighting, projection, deregulation, triangulation, painted black, painted white just to mention a few.  You'll learn how to set boundaries ... .reinforcement of proper behavior and how to handle a situation with behavior or disrespect. I also encourage you to look inward, do a lot of self reflection as to why you have the behavior you do ... .not because your gay ... .but a lot of us here are codependent or NONs. We have learned behavior from our childhood ... .and the more you read about NON's the more you will see similarities with yourself. You might learn that you're a perfectionist ... .that you're a Knight in Armor protecting others from evil who can't protect themselves and you might be the cowboy in the white hat riding in to save the day. Would it surprise you to learn that a lot of NONs have careers in the military, police officers, nurses, doctors ... .seeing a trend here yet?

No two people are the same ... .no two people who suffer from BPD are the same ... .so although they have similar behavior they're NOT exactly alike. So there are no blanket statements ... .oohaah?  You have a lot of homework to do ... .you have a lot to read and learn but I have no doubt that you can do it. Again, there are no quick fixes ... .no quick answers ... .you have a journey ahead of you ... .part of it is self discovery ... .we can't and won't tell you what path to take ... .what we will do is be there to hold out a hand when you stumble to help you up ... .dust you off ... .it'll be up to you to choose the next fork in the road ... .stay on the path you're walking or stay where you are. You might take a step backwards every once in awhile ... .we all have ... .but you already know how to square yourself up ... .learn forward and take the next step ... .if you need help ... .we got your six brother.

Come back as often as you need to ... .come back as often as you WANT to ... .keep posting as it's very much therapeutic at times ... .but never give up ... .never stop learning ... .you're never alone ... .

Since this is your first post ... .there are is a section at the top that you can send personal messages (pvt messages)  someone to ask a question to someone if you don't want the group to know or to have someone clear up a statement they might have made. Make sure you read the references pointed out ... .learn it ... .know it ... .live it!

stay safe brother ... .

JQ

[Turkish]

Hi Jason96B,

I'd like to join JQ in welcoming you here.

What specific types of issues have you two been struggling with?

We have a comprehensive set of lessons to the right of the board which can help you learn about BPD, and communication tools which can help reduce conflict. Let me know what you think, and I look forward to hearing more.

Turkish

p.s. thank you for your service. after 2 years back, my brother from another mother shipped out last week to go back

[formflier]

 

I'm retired military... .served time in some of the lovely locations overseas and have been through the PTSD issues.  Seems to be managed know... .

Anyway... ptsd and BPD traits can be a toxic soup... .it can be hard to separate issues.

But it can be done... .  My relationship is much better now that a few years ago when I started on this site.

If you can give us some "I said this... .then my husband said this... then I said this" type of accounts of a recent issue (something repetitive)... .we can start pointing you in the right direction.


Final:  You have found a safe place here... .asking your questions without fear of judgment.  I think you will be surprised at how many people here have a similar life story...

 

FF