Ex BPD and Replacement Still 'Working Out'

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey all -

Have been doing pretty well except that I've been seeing my ex and his wife in town a lot recently. They got married 6 months after he discarded me and he had been spending a lot of time with her beforehand. That was 3 years ago and by the looks of them in public, they are happy and like to display their relationship.

I didn't think about them as much until I started seeing them at restaurants or passing through a cafe together (yikes    ) But now when I see that I think, how can they still be together for years and look so happy and handsy? He had so many issues and it all crumbled within 8 months for us - I don't understand how he could have become the stable husband it looks like he is. He dropped me with no problem and took up with her and seems very committed from the outside.

I know I have no idea what it's really like in their relationship, but I do know that it's been a long time and they spend a lot of time out socializing together that I have to see (since we live in the same town and she works in some of the same places I do). Maybe 2 years of being married isn't a long time, but he acted out so much when we were together I can't believe it has just magically stopped all these years. But since I don't know, it makes it feel like it was me and being in the relationship with me that was the problem... .

As well as being confused about it, I don't understand how they both can make it look like they were always meant to be, after I trusted him and befriended her during our relationship... .Now it's like I never existed, like they both just "forgot" who they bulldozed over to have whatever it is they have.

[OutofTheWoods]

Hey all -

Have been doing pretty well except that I've been seeing my ex and his wife in town a lot recently. They got married 6 months after he discarded me and he had been spending a lot of time with her beforehand. That was 3 years ago and by the looks of them in public, they are happy and like to display their relationship.

I didn't think about them as much until I started seeing them at restaurants or passing through a cafe together (yikes    ) But now when I see that I think, how can they still be together for years and look so happy and handsy? He had so many issues and it all crumbled within 8 months for us - I don't understand how he could have become the stable husband it looks like he is. He dropped me with no problem and took up with her and seems very committed from the outside.

I know I have no idea what it's really like in their relationship, but I do know that it's been a long time and they spend a lot of time out socializing together that I have to see (since we live in the same town and she works in some of the same places I do). Maybe 2 years of being married isn't a long time, but he acted out so much when we were together I can't believe it has just magically stopped all these years. But since I don't know, it makes it feel like it was me and being in the relationship with me that was the problem... .

As well as being confused about it, I don't understand how they both can make it look like they were always meant to be, after I trusted him and befriended her during our relationship... .Now it's like I never existed, like they both just "forgot" who they bulldozed over to have whatever it is they have.

[Schermarhorn]

Hey all -

Have been doing pretty well except that I've been seeing my ex and his wife in town a lot recently. They got married 6 months after he discarded me and he had been spending a lot of time with her beforehand. That was 3 years ago and by the looks of them in public, they are happy and like to display their relationship.

I didn't think about them as much until I started seeing them at restaurants or passing through a cafe together (yikes    ) But now when I see that I think, how can they still be together for years and look so happy and handsy? He had so many issues and it all crumbled within 8 months for us - I don't understand how he could have become the stable husband it looks like he is. He dropped me with no problem and took up with her and seems very committed from the outside.

I know I have no idea what it's really like in their relationship, but I do know that it's been a long time and they spend a lot of time out socializing together that I have to see (since we live in the same town and she works in some of the same places I do). Maybe 2 years of being married isn't a long time, but he acted out so much when we were together I can't believe it has just magically stopped all these years. But since I don't know, it makes it feel like it was me and being in the relationship with me that was the problem... .

As well as being confused about it, I don't understand how they both can make it look like they were always meant to be, after I trusted him and befriended her during our relationship... .Now it's like I never existed, like they both just "forgot" who they bulldozed over to have whatever it is they have.

I question the same thing too. My ex started showing her true colors only two weeks into ours. By the time 2 months passed I don't see how anybody could deal with it.

They have been together for 2.5 months, the longest I have seen her in a relationship. Her other replacements only lasted a month and a week.

So is he just toughing through it (I feel sorry for him if he is), or is she acting stable?

[Learning_curve74]

A lot of people wonder why the next relationship of their BPD ex seems to be going so smoothly. All the world's a stage, and what we don't see are the secrets backstage.

I can say for sure that other people rarely saw the terrible times I had with my ex at home. It wasn't all bad, the good times were good but the bad times were terrible. I just put up with it, and maybe that is what is going on in this case.

And if by some miracle your ex is getting extensive therapy and they live happily ever after, how does that impact your life? Do you feel cheated?

[Creativum]

Smoke. And. Mirrors.  Trust me on this.  Not my proudest achievement, but I was so angry about the lies my ex had told me during our relationship that I reached out to all known exes.  They ALL had nothing but negative things to say, and they ALL thought by some miracle that their replacements had worked out.  Nope.  Won't and can't happen without extensive therapy, and even that's a crap shoot because it's ineffective for something like 40% of those who complete it.  And it can take YEARS.  Nope.  Your ex is the same as before.  It might last longer, and it might look more superficially stable, but you and I both know that people with BPD can't STAND to look bad in public.  Monsters always hide in the closet or under the bed, not the bus stop in broad daylight.

You rest easy, you hear?

[Schermarhorn]

Smoke. And. Mirrors.  Trust me on this.  Not my proudest achievement, but I was so angry about the lies my ex had told me during our relationship that I reached out to all known exes.  They ALL had nothing but negative things to say, and they ALL thought by some miracle that their replacements had worked out.  Nope.  Won't and can't happen without extensive therapy, and even that's a crap shoot because it's ineffective for something like 40% of those who complete it.  And it can take YEARS.  Nope.  Your ex is the same as before.  It might last longer, and it might look more superficially stable, but you and I both know that people with BPD can't STAND to look bad in public.  Monsters always hide in the closet or under the bed, not the bus stop in broad daylight.

You rest easy, you hear?

Honestly, I wish I could've done the same. She kept every ex hidden from me to where I have no idea who they are, and the only one I could talk to was my replacement before they broke up. I flat out asked him if anything seemed wrong with her and he said everything was fine.

Like if I knew she treated other people like she treated me, it would help me let go and realize that she cannot be any different.

[Hopeful83]

Unless your ex acted out while you were in public together, there's no way of really telling what's going on. But what the others have said is right - this is just what you see on the surface. Sure, maybe they are happy, but just think back when you were with the ex; I'd hazard a guess and say you always looked happy when you were out in public together?

I know I did. The bad stuff happened behind closed doors. No one, not my family nor my friends, knew what was really going on behind the scenes. I dealt with it all alone because I believed he could change and I didn't want my loved ones to think ill of him.

My point is, no one really knows what goes on in a relationship. Things can seem rosy when in fact they're really not. My ex used to take me out for dinners after his rages. There are so many photos of me looking 'happy' when I can vividly recall that just hours before he was raging and I was in a mess.

[focus]

In my case I think I put up with a lot more than her others did before me. I was a total doormat. Most normal people wouldn't have accapted this sort of treatment for so long.

This was due to my pourus boundaries.

On the outside everything seemed perfect, my friends and family loved her. People even envied me for having such a great wife.

Could it be that she "lets him" get away with more than you did?

Is he allowed to get away with more rages and poor treatment than he could with you?

My relationship with my ex was her longest by far.

I'm still a little amazed that my replacement is still with her, 6 months later. That she hasn't discarded him already because he is such a looser, boring and all. But that might be it, he propably takes her crap and let her walk all over him.

He also uses drugs and drinks heavy every day. When my ex relapsed I wasn't supportive but he was, and they did drugs and drank together, and still do.

[FannyB]

OoTW

20 years ago my ex got 'engaged' to a guy she'd been seeing for a year. Next day they split because apparently they both agreed it was 'silly'. 1 week later she's dating a mate of his who she subsequently married and had kids with. I know from a source that this guy was seething, but he also probably questioned his self-worth too. 5 years on and she's still married, living in a big house, 2 kids,  4 holidays a year etc. They were the 'perfect couple' and no doubt the dumped ex was still confused and seething. Fast forward another 5 years and the marriage is over, the house is being sold, she's moved out and is dating guys online.

At that point the dumped guy is probably smiling and breathing a huge sigh of relief.  You can have short term victories with borderlines - but the long term prognosis is just pain, pain and more pain.   


Fanny

[OutofTheWoods]

Hi all 

Thanks so much - you're right, when I think back, the weird stuff happened at home behind closed doors... .I came home one afternoon (where he would be waiting all day when he didn't have a job), and he was pacing back and forth, seething. He told me he looked through my Skype conversations and accused me of cheating on him with people I was talking to (good old friends). A few months later he looked through my old journals/diaries too and read all kinds of nonsense into my entries to rage at me with.

He totally disrespected my boundaries and made me feel like I was walking on eggshells. But around family and friends, he could charm anybody; everyone liked him. I thought at first maybe he was just really insecure, before I knew about BPD, but obviously those go hand-and-hand. I didn't realize he was trying to hurt me intentionally and make me weak.

Like Schermarhorn said, I guess the insecurity I still have myself after all this makes me want to know he's still the same with someone else and that I wasn't being punished for no reason by someone I loved. I would feel cheated, I think, if they lived happily ever after. I would hope if he got therapy he would seek me out someday and apologize. I seriously doubt therapy has occurred in any way: when he broke up with me he came running back the next day - "I'll always regret it if I don't try to work this out", then broke up with me again the next week, saying "There's no deep mental connection" and "I'm sorry I'm so f'ed up", to getting engaged in 6 months to someone else.

It's amazing how years can go by and I'm still dealing with the trauma of this relationship - it's taken me all these 3 years to reflect, treat myself with more respect, and see things more like they actually were. Seeing the two of them sets me back, it's hard to not react inside. Wanting to see them fail isn't the greatest thing, I know, and it probably wouldn't make me feel much better long-term anyway. Hopefully I can get over this, too, someday. All your experiences really help. Smoke and mirrors :/

[Hopeful83]

Hi all 

Thanks so much - you're right, when I think back, the weird stuff happened at home behind closed doors... .I came home one afternoon (where he would be waiting all day when he didn't have a job), and he was pacing back and forth, seething. He told me he looked through my Skype conversations and accused me of cheating on him with people I was talking to (good old friends). A few months later he looked through my old journals/diaries too and read all kinds of nonsense into my entries to rage at me with.

He totally disrespected my boundaries and made me feel like I was walking on eggshells. But around family and friends, he could charm anybody; everyone liked him. I thought at first maybe he was just really insecure, before I knew about BPD, but obviously those go hand-and-hand. I didn't realize he was trying to hurt me intentionally and make me weak.

Like Schermarhorn said, I guess the insecurity I still have myself after all this makes me want to know he's still the same with someone else and that I wasn't being punished for no reason by someone I loved. I would feel cheated, I think, if they lived happily ever after. I would hope if he got therapy he would seek me out someday and apologize. I seriously doubt therapy has occurred in any way: when he broke up with me he came running back the next day - "I'll always regret it if I don't try to work this out", then broke up with me again the next week, saying "There's no deep mental connection" and "I'm sorry I'm so f'ed up", to getting engaged in 6 months to someone else.

It's amazing how years can go by and I'm still dealing with the trauma of this relationship - it's taken me all these 3 years to reflect, treat myself with more respect, and see things more like they actually were. Seeing the two of them sets me back, it's hard to not react inside. Wanting to see them fail isn't the greatest thing, I know, and it probably wouldn't make me feel much better long-term anyway. Hopefully I can get over this, too, someday. All your experiences really help. Smoke and mirrors :/

These two things really resonate with me. I also now realise that my ex was subconsciously making me very insecure. It wasn't done in overt ways, but in more subtle ways that ate away at me over time. There were so many instances when he could have reassured me over certain things, but he chose not to - only to do it way further down the line, as if he ended up feeling guilty about what he was doing.

I can identify with wanting them to fail. Sadly I have moments when I feel the same about my ex and his new fiancee (engaged within two months of us splitting. And no, nothing was going on with the two of them while we were together. Sigh). I guess if they failed I'd feel vindicated in some way - it would be 'proof' that he was, in fact, disordered and if he never gets help this is how it will always be with him.

However, neither you nor I can base our happiness on them failing (or on any other person for that matter). It' s something I'm working through, because I regularly find myself back on the 'why are they still together?' point. But I'm slowly letting it go because I know it's what's best for me. The best response to all of our exes is for us to get 'better' and lead a stable, healthy life.

Big hugs.