Ready to rebuild. Not sure where to start.

[Hopeful83]

Hello everyone,

I've spent most my time on the Leaving board, but I felt a strong need to post on here today.

My ex and I (who I suspect is BPD - or at the very least shows very strong traits of it) broke up almost six months ago now. It was a horrific breakup, one that I did not see coming. We were together for three years and we had a whole future planned out together. We had spent the previous nine months traveling and decided it was time to settle. We were to settle in my home country, so he went home to get his visa. Let's just say I never saw him again after a breakup that happened in the space of a couple of weeks. I strongly suspect his family had a lot to do with it (he's from a different culture to me, which I know was an issue for them).

So I found myself jobless and homeless, as I was waiting for him to come so that we could buy an apartment and start a business together. From a 'we' I found myself being an 'I' again, which is hard to come to terms with when you were convinced your life was going one way. We were due to get engaged this year, too, and he ended up getting engaged to someone else within two months of us splitting up.

This has been the hardest six months of my adult life. At the beginning I was an absolute wreck; I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I didn't want to do anything. Luckily I had the foresight to book myself onto a trip, which came at the right time - had I not gone travelling for three weeks in September I think I would be in a worse position than I am now.

He essentially left me with a pile of rubbish to sort through. Just weeks after saying things like "You're the love of my life," "I'll always be here for you," "I can't wait to grow old with you," he told me he didn't know how he felt about me anymore. And in his final email to me he made it sound like the three years we had together was a lie - that he was only with me out of guilt. Even though now I can say I know for sure that this isn't the truth, back then it was a stab to the heart. How could my once loving and caring boyfriend say these things to me? I may be a lot of things, but i'm not naive, and I know I would have known if he didn't really love me for all those years.

It took a long time and a lot of soul searching to get to the point where I am today. Where I know he's a disordered individual and the things he said are a reflection of that and a reflection of undoubtedly master manipulation from his two-face mum. I drove myself insane with questions, and it was tough - had it not been for the amazing friends and family that I have I'm almost certain I would have gone crazy. I remember feeling myself being on the verge of insanity one night and it was the scariest thing I've ever dealt with.

Thankfully the rollercoaster of extreme emotions has died down for the last month or so, but what I'm left with is a general feeling of despondency. I work for myself as a freelancer which has been both a blessing and a curse over the last six months. Blessing because I don't know how I would have functioned in a job for those first few months and curse because now I'm finding it really difficult to get back into my work.

Freelancing is a tough business to be in at the best of times. You have moments when work is coming in all the time followed by moments when you can't get any. When you're in a bad place like I am, you take rejection even harder. I spent a few weeks trying to get back on track and was feeling good about it; but then I came up against brick wall upon brick wall, which made me give up. For the last couple of weeks I haven't done a thing of note.

So this brings me to the position I am in today. I realised over the weekend that I need to start rebuilding my life now. I'm staying with my mum, I don't have a job, I barely see my friends because I don't want to waste the few savings that I have.

I realised I need to find a job as a first step. I need structure for a while, and freelancing isn't giving me that. I also decided that I don't care that my ex is now back in the city in which we first met - it kept me from going back, but now I realise that he should be the one worried about bumping into me, not the other way round.

I guess I'm struggling, though. It's hard to get out of bed when you have nothing to get out of bed for. I want to rebuild and yet I feel like I don't have the will to do it. I want to be happy again, to achieve my goals, to have a new life. I was so happy for the year before I met him, and it was the peak of my 20s. I was independent, fit, had a well-paid job. I look back at that person and wonder how I've ended up in a worse position than I was three years ago, and it makes me feel incredibly sad.

I don't know where to start. Finding a job is a long drawn out process. I know all this won't happen overnight but it's just such a daunting task that it really scares me right now.

Hopeful

[cloudten]

I have been following your story a bit. It resonates so deeply with me. I was homeless after one particular breakup for 2 months. Fortunately I had a job, but i had to live in my car as I had no one. So, I know how it feels. Love and cherish your mother for helping you. Some people aren't so fortunate.

It does sound like you need to increase your income asap. I can certainly understand how hard it is to get out of bed- believe me when I tell you it can be just as hard (maybe harder) to get out of bed when you do have a job... .. Structure and routine may help you... .but also having that income so that you can rebuild not just your life and your home, but also your friendships is very important.  Maybe you need a temporary job where you don't have to use your brain much... .if that makes sense. I have a high pressure, high powered job and I have done absolutely no work this morning... .paralyzed by my own issues. Maybe if you have a job stocking shelves, or as a server, or something more physical than mental, that would help get you moving again. There's no shame in it, and it would be at least something for now to provide a little income, a little purpose, and a little confidence. PLUS- they always say its easier to find a job when you have a job. I have always found this to be true. Even if you made a short 3 month commitment to yourself to have some sort of low-end job, would probably be of great benefit to you while you find something more permanent and rebuild your life.

I think you are actually off to a good start. Having goals and aspirations shows that you are healing- it shows that you want good things for yourself again rather than wallowing in the pit.

I can tell you what I do- I work out. A lot. It's something that I have not done much of in the last year. I gained 20 lbs. I felt awful. I looked awful. My clothes didn't fit. I refuse to buy a bigger size. So I am back to the gym. It hasn't changed my size much, but I am beginning to see small improvements. It takes time. Working out helps so much and releases happy hormones.

At least you have a baseline, so you know where you want to be back to. You want to be the new and improved you with the happiness and success of 3 years ago.

Are you in therapy?

I know it seems so overwhelming... .just tackle one thing at a time.

[Hopeful83]

I have been following your story a bit. It resonates so deeply with me. I was homeless after one particular breakup for 2 months. Fortunately I had a job, but i had to live in my car as I had no one. So, I know how it feels. Love and cherish your mother for helping you. Some people aren't so fortunate.

It does sound like you need to increase your income asap. I can certainly understand how hard it is to get out of bed- believe me when I tell you it can be just as hard (maybe harder) to get out of bed when you do have a job... .. Structure and routine may help you... .but also having that income so that you can rebuild not just your life and your home, but also your friendships is very important.  Maybe you need a temporary job where you don't have to use your brain much... .if that makes sense. I have a high pressure, high powered job and I have done absolutely no work this morning... .paralyzed by my own issues. Maybe if you have a job stocking shelves, or as a server, or something more physical than mental, that would help get you moving again. There's no shame in it, and it would be at least something for now to provide a little income, a little purpose, and a little confidence. PLUS- they always say its easier to find a job when you have a job. I have always found this to be true. Even if you made a short 3 month commitment to yourself to have some sort of low-end job, would probably be of great benefit to you while you find something more permanent and rebuild your life.

I think you are actually off to a good start. Having goals and aspirations shows that you are healing- it shows that you want good things for yourself again rather than wallowing in the pit.

I can tell you what I do- I work out. A lot. It's something that I have not done much of in the last year. I gained 20 lbs. I felt awful. I looked awful. My clothes didn't fit. I refuse to buy a bigger size. So I am back to the gym. It hasn't changed my size much, but I am beginning to see small improvements. It takes time. Working out helps so much and releases happy hormones.

At least you have a baseline, so you know where you want to be back to. You want to be the new and improved you with the happiness and success of 3 years ago.

Are you in therapy?

I know it seems so overwhelming... .just tackle one thing at a time.

 Cloudten, thank you for your thoughtful and thorough reply.

Yes, I'm very grateful for my family. I know there are so many people who don't have anyone to turn to in these kind of situations. I don't know what I would have done without my family and friends. They've been amazing, supportive and have been helping me stay on track.

I know what you mean about getting paralysed by your own issues. I had to submit a piece of work a week back and I just couldn't bring myself to send it. I was so certain it was a pile of rubbish! My confidence is shot and it's spilled over to my work. I don't feel anxious like I did at the beginning (actually, the anxiety lasted until about a month ago. I hate to think what all this has done to my health), but I know that everything that happened has dragged me down and made me timid in a way.

The problem is I currently live in a very small village and I don't have a car. In order to get a job I'm going to have to leave this village, and most probably the country, as there aren't many jobs in my field here. I'm seriously considering going back to the city where I lived for 7 years (two of which with my now ex) because that's where all my experience lies. I have loads of contacts there and I know it won't be too hard for me to find a good job. I want to build my career up again in my field, and I know I can do that there if I work hard. And I'm ready to do it, I really am. So I've started applying for jobs - not only there, but in other cities around the world, too. But I have a feeling I'll end up back there simply because of all the experience I have.

It's only been a week or so since I decided that I'd happily go back there now. When I first found out that he'd moved back again, I said I'd never be able to live there again. But a friend of mine made me realise I was limiting myself on the basis of him, and that he should be the one who gets concerned about potentially seeing me - and she's right! I had many happy years there and I shouldn't limit myself on the basis of what he's doing. If anything, he should flee town when he finds out I'm going! I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

I guess what I can do is start some exercise. There's no gym or anything here, but I could go for long walks. It's a start. I guess I need to start small and build myself up?

I'm getting my hair done in a week or so, which will help. And I'm also going on a trip for a week in December.

No, I'm not in therapy because of the money issue (and there are no therapists anywhere nearby anyway). This is another reason why I want a job. The minute I get one, I'm booking myself in for therapy. I have a lot of stuff to work through, and I want to do it once and for all.

The things I want to do are as follows: (getting a job will help!)

- Get into therapy (priority)

- Get fit and do yoga

- Build my career up

- Have a health checkup (this breakup has wreaked havoc with my heath)

- Socialise with friends

- Pick up a new hobby

- Continue to work on my book

- Continue 'self care'

- Find ways of meeting new people

- Travel more

I told a friend recently that I wanted my old single life back, but she helpfully pointed out that I won't have the old life back - but a new, better life. And she's right. I just want to take the right steps forward, but without the job I'm limited on what I can do right now.

I know I'll get there, but I know it will take time. I guess I need to be patient and not berate myself? And just be gentle with myself while looking for a job.

I think now that I'm out of the worst part of the breakup I'm getting impatient - I just want to be back on track. I'm sick of feeling this way.

Hopeful

[cloudten]

I really love your spirit!

Even if you can't get out to the city to work right now... .is there anything you can do locally? Clean houses? work in someone's garden?  Possibly even more spiritually fulfilling, maybe you can volunteer and help someone? There's that old saying, "when you are blue, do something for someone more blue than you." Is there an old person you can help with changing a lightbulb or visit a shut-in?  Sorry, I am thinking outside of the box.

Now I understand that you left the city and now want to return. I am not sure I caught that fact before. Yes, you need to live without fear. In the city, what are the chances you would run into him anyway. I probably wouldn't be inclined to go back to the same neighborhood. I have decided to live my life without fear and unapologetically. It is hard... .very hard at times. Especially when I get anxious about seeing him. But something in you needs to harness your future and be in the drivers seat of your own life. He isn't driving anymore. You are. If you choose to live in fear- he wins. Don't let him win. He doesn't deserve to win.

Starting small is a great place to start!

I'll tell you what has helped me a little- date night. I have date night with myself. On my date night, I do whatever I want. If I want to go to bed, I go to bed. If I want to get a glass of wine at my favorite restaurant, I get that glass of wine. I have gone shopping. I have made myself tea. I have taken baths. I usually work out. Sometimes I see friends, although I am really learning that I like date night alone. When people ask me if I am seeing anyone I say I am dating myself (probably a very narcissistic answer). But it is true. I have no desire to date anyone right now... .and dating myself moves the importance of taking care of myself to me. I have very quickly fallen in love with date night. I did have to lose a little bit of shame about being out alone. Now I don't care- I go out alone and sometimes I meet the most fascinating people! Getting your hair done is a GREAT date! What else can you do to keep that date going... .come home and paint your nails and watch your favorite movie?

Exercise is great. You can pull up yoga videos on youtube (if that's available in your country). You can do yoga in your room. A friend just told me that when I am feeling particularly stuck in my thoughts, I should do yoga with my tongue on the roof of my mouth. Something about doing that is supposed to put energy in both hemisphere's of my brain. I haven't tried it yet. (I'm skeptical but just desperate enough that I'll probably try it.)

It sounds like you have a great list of goals. I think getting yourself into a job where you can have some income will make a big difference! I think it just takes a series of kind baby steps with yourself.

I have made traveling one of my big goals. I am currently planning a trip to the dominican republic and another trip to india (like Eat, Pray, Love). Both solo trips. Something about planning these and having something to look forward to has been good for me. I told a friend that I just want to be single and see the world. It is somewhat daunting being a single woman traveling abroad... .but I am choosing to live unafraid. 

No, you won't have your old single life back. You will have a brand new single life. It may have elements of the old life, but I am pretty sure it will be even better than the old single life. You will know yourself better, and I think it will have an element of strength that your prior single life did not have.

For me, there was something about being homeless and poor that was quite quite humbling. I have not been the same since. I partially believe it played a role in the failure of the recycle. I became stronger in my struggle. I had to build everything from scratch on my own. You will become more thankful for the blessings you have. There isn't a day I am not thankful for my job, for my home, for my car, etc. I have always been thankful for my daughter, but I am even more thankful of the time I have with her again. I lost time with her when I was homeless because it was obviously safer for her to live with her father... .so my relationship with her suffered. But you will be humbled and more thankful. It's like your heart matures. It also builds strength because you won't want anything to ever destroy what you build for yourself. You will be more protective of yourself and your assets. I have noticed that I have gotten much better with boundaries... .just in the last 2 weeks. I am textbook codependent and let people run over me continually. But somehow between my date nights and self care, I figured out that I am actually defensive of my own boundaries now. I lacked this before. I literally ended 3 different friendships today because they were all boundary busters. It wasn't pleasant... .it hurt a little... .and they were all angry. But I am taking care of me.

Sorry for the long winded answer. I think you are actually doing much better than you think!

[cloudten]

it is sort of funny- I actually got on here to tell you something else on a different thread... .and now after talking about all of that- I cannot even remember what it was! It seemed important but apparently wasn't. Haha.

[Hopeful83]

Cloudten this is wonderful, thank you so much  

You say you really love my spirit - and I really love yours! You've been through so much and yet you're rebuilding your life and are turning the bad points into positives. That is really admirable and you should be proud of yourself. This is my first proper breakup, and with a BPD at that, so it's been one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, so I know that getting to the point at which you're at now is no easy feat. Go you!  

Our experiences sound very similar... .

You made loads of great points. You're right, I could volunteer. I'll ask the village's mayor. I need to think outside the box of things I can do while I'm still here. I know it will be at the very least two months, so that's a long time to have idle hands. I think I'll sit and make a list of things I can potentially do - both paid and as a volunteer.

Yes, it's a long story, but I met him in 2012 in the city that I was an expat in. We got together, lived together there for two years. Then we sold everything and went on a trip around the world together. Decided earlier this year we want to settle down, start a business, start a family. Well, as you know that never happened. I went to my home country, he went to his home country to get the documents he'd need for the marriage as well as his visa. And yeah, I never saw him again. We left each other very much in love, tears at the airport. I struggled with that at the beginning - knowing that I'd probably never see him ever again, but I'm over that now. I'm finally starting to see that even if he doesn't have BPD the very fact that his family influenced him the way they did means a) he's weak and b) they're horrendous. I wouldn't want to be part of that family, so he's done me a favour I guess.

The reason I was worried about going back is because even though it's a 'city' all the expats know each other. It's very common to randomly bump into people you know in a bar, a mall, etc. It's odd; I'd bump into people I hadn't seen in years sometimes, and others I'd bump into all the time. The thought of seeing him with her freaks me out, but instead of worrying about it I keep thinking that by that point I'll be looking FIERCE and I won't even acknowledge their existence. Well that's how it goes in my head anyway  

I LOVE the idea of going on your own date night! Have you read the book Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss Into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You? She talks about the date night. Sounds like your date nights rock! I'd love to start that - taking myself on little dates, treating myself the way I'd treat a boyfriend. I deserve it! And luckily I don't give a rat's a** about going out on my own. I used to do it a lot when I was single - go to the cinema, take myself out for a three-course meal etc. That's what pains me; I really had a great life and I was in a good place. Sad that I had zero idea that I had a few codependency issues and got trapped the way I did.

Btw, your solo trips are MARVELLOUS ideas. You should definitely do them! I've travelled solo, both before and post breakup, and I love it. Yes, it's not always easy but my gosh you have the time of your life. You feel so liberated, strong and free. You should definitely live unafraid, and if you want any encouragement/tips, let me know I'd be happy to help. I have a travel blog, too... .

I went on a solo trip, as I mentioned, a couple of months after the breakup. It came at the right time as I had started to sink into a depression. After the initial adrenaline from the breakup had died down, I was left with a massive comedown. I couldn't eat, I just slept all day. Didn't want to do a thing. I didn't even want to go on the trip, but I had paid a lot of money, so I knew I had to. I went to Barcelona and a couple of Greek islands and it was fantastic. It was daunting and painful at first because I had travelled with him so much that everything about it reminded me of him - being at the airport, getting up early to catch a flight, getting lost trying to find stuff, eating out etc. But it got easier and easier, and it ended up being one of the best trips I've ever taken. So definitely go for it if you can. I've been to India, so I'd be happy to give some advice and point you in the direction of some good travel blogs that cover travel for solo women in India.

I love the fact you feel you've become stronger through the struggle. Even though I'm still in a difficult place, I'm hoping I will get to the point that you're at now. I know I'll never be the same again. For one, I don't want to ever put myself through something like this ever again. And when I say put myself through it - I believe I played a part by staying with someone who was clearly unstable and not willing to face up to his issues. I've forgiven myself, because I loved him and I did the best I could with the 'resources' I had at the time. I didn't know about BPD, but I knew what a horrendous childhood he had, and he had so, so, so many positive traits, too, that I just didn't want to give up on him. But I gave up on myself in the process. I failed to protect my own heart and sanity. I also turned blind eyes to things his mum said and things that happened when we were in his home country together - things that indicated that us getting married was not on his family's cards.

Anyway, I digress. I guess I just wanted to echo your point about your heart building strength and not ever wanting anything to destroy what you have built for yourself - absolutely. So much of what you've said resonated with me, down to friendships that are boundary busters and how I need to learn to start setting those boundaries. That's something I've also had to do. I've cut people out because during the breakup it became even more apparent who was feeding into the drama, and the people who were actually enjoying the fact I was down and out. These aren't real friends.

I want to rebuild and become stronger. I'm already stronger I suppose, because I've refused to let this breakup make me bitter. I've already started to forgive my ex, for example. I just want to look ahead now and get myself back on track. I want a family someday, and the longer I'm 'down and out' the less chances I have of that happening

Thank you for letting me talk this out with you. It's been really helpful. And like I said, send me a PM if you want some details on the travel stuff

Hopeful