Why Do They Finally Decide To Leave?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

What makes pwBPD finally decide to call it a day if one of the characteristics of the disorder is make up/break up cycles?

I was with my exgf for a year and after the idealization stage the arguments got more and more frequent.  They were usually over trivial things but sometimes they went so bad we split up.  Interestingly enough, very rarely, could my ex argue face to face.  I would say 80% of are arguments were conducted through text (which is even more absurd when you consider we live over the hall from one another.  She would literally give me the silent treatment and deny anything was wrong and as soon as I went back to my flat the texts would start).

We'd always get back and put it down to us both being moody.  She always had all these satellite guys in contact with her - some she admitted she'd slept with before me and some she claimed were just friends.

We had a pretty bad fallout at the start of September after a 2 week holiday and broke up for a month.  She initiated it but was soon texting me again saying she missed and cared about me.  After a month we met for coffee and she kissed me and we got back together for 2 weeks.  She was all happy again and telling me she loved me, saying we should get a dog together etc

Then we had another fallout a few days later and she stormed back to her flat, exchanged a few angry texts and that was it.  Over in 5mins after a year of being together and travelling abroad to meet her family, holidays, dreams etc - No Contact.  Not even a text to say it isn't working out.  All she said when she stormed out my flat is "Maybe we should give this (relationship) a pass".

Through 'clandestine means' I find out she was on a dating app before we split and within a few days of us breaking up she was meting up with this random replacement.  I now know she is sleeping with him and more than likely dating him.  She has told her friends the sex between them is amazing and she can't stop thinking about him - all things she told me and her friends when we first started dating.

So, to recap, what do you think caused her to walk away this time and not look back when in the past she got back with me?  I have my own theory but would like other's opinions.

[WuTanger100]

What makes pwBPD finally decide to call it a day if one of the characteristics of the disorder is make up/break up cycles?

I was with my exgf for a year and after the idealization stage the arguments got more and more frequent.  They were usually over trivial things but sometimes they went so bad we split up.  Interestingly enough, very rarely, could my ex argue face to face.  I would say 80% of are arguments were conducted through text (which is even more absurd when you consider we live over the hall from one another.  She would literally give me the silent treatment and deny anything was wrong and as soon as I went back to my flat the texts would start).

We'd always get back and put it down to us both being moody.  She always had all these satellite guys in contact with her - some she admitted she'd slept with before me and some she claimed were just friends.

We had a pretty bad fallout at the start of September after a 2 week holiday and broke up for a month.  She initiated it but was soon texting me again saying she missed and cared about me.  After a month we met for coffee and she kissed me and we got back together for 2 weeks.  She was all happy again and telling me she loved me, saying we should get a dog together etc

Then we had another fallout a few days later and she stormed back to her flat, exchanged a few angry texts and that was it.  Over in 5mins after a year of being together and travelling abroad to meet her family, holidays, dreams etc - No Contact.  Not even a text to say it isn't working out.  All she said when she stormed out my flat is "Maybe we should give this (relationship) a pass".

Through 'clandestine means' I find out she was on a dating app before we split and within a few days of us breaking up she was meting up with this random replacement.  I now know she is sleeping with him and more than likely dating him.  She has told her friends the sex between them is amazing and she can't stop thinking about him - all things she told me and her friends when we first started dating.

So, to recap, what do you think caused her to walk away this time and not look back when in the past she got back with me?  I have my own theory but would like other's opinions.

[butterfly15]

I am going to be watching this thread as well. Mine did the same thing to me. He gave me the silent treatment for almost 2 weeks after a year and a half of "dating" (what he made me believe) then blew up my phone for almost 2 days. I didn't respond. I finally gave in. He came back professing his love, crying, he needed me this is going to work. He realized that he could never live without me.  Then I find out hes on an online dating site. I firmly believe now he has always been on constantly changing his profile name. That's how we met over 2 years ago. Fast forward to weeks ago I confronted him with the online dating, etc. He 'd it was through texting. He has been silent since. I truly believe he had many back ups but found a main one to replace me.

[shatra]

butterfly wrote

Fast forward to weeks ago I confronted him with the online dating, etc. He 'd it was through texting. He has been silent since. I truly believe he had many back ups but found a main one to replace me.

----I am confused---what does "'d it was through texting" mean?

-----What did he say when you confronted him with the online dating?

[butterfly15]

butterfly wrote

Fast forward to weeks ago I confronted him with the online dating, etc. He 'd it was through texting. He has been silent since. I truly believe he had many back ups but found a main one to replace me.

----I am confused---what does "'d it was through texting" mean?

-----What did he say when you confronted him with the online dating?

Pretty much laughed at me through texting that he could care less. Yes I confronted him with online communications. He told me to eat it up. Another doesn't care phrase. Showed no remorse or apology what so ever.

[FannyB]

Hi Wutanger

Much of what you wrote replicates my own story - except in my case there was no replacement. I think over time we go from being a 'soother' to being a 'trigger'. In the end, as the flare ups become more regular they simply let us go to ease their emotional pain i.e. we become more trouble than it's worth.  In your case yours had a ready made distraction at hand to help manage the transition from you.


Fanny

[Popcorn71]

From my experience I would say they decide to leave for good when they have a replacement.  My exBPDh left a lot of times during our 9 years together but usually came back after a week or so.  The final time, he was with a replacement within a week.  I think he had met her a couple of months before and had been in touch by phone since then.  As soon as he knew he wouldn't be alone if he left, he was able to dump me for good.

[zundertowz]

From my experience I would say they decide to leave for good when they have a replacement.  My exBPDh left a lot of times during our 9 years together but usually came back after a week or so.  The final time, he was with a replacement within a week.  I think he had met her a couple of months before and had been in touch by phone since then.  As soon as he knew he wouldn't be alone if he left, he was able to dump me for good.

Mine was done when she realized I had nothing left to give anymore in anyway.  I was an anxious depressed mess, had very little patience for her.  Even though she was a knockout I had no sexual attraction towards her anymore so we rarely had sex, it was always me denying her.  And a week before the end she showed me a place she wanted to elope too at 7am and I looked her like she was crazy.  I unconsciously blew up the relationship myself. 

[hopealways]

Mine was cheating on her fiancee with me for a year. She would not leave him until she knew 100% I was going to support her emotionally, financially and basically do everything for her.  I promised I would but that was not good enough. I had to lease an apartment for her before she moved out of his place.  Thankfully I only did a 6 month lease. And what a rough 6 months wow! She broke up with me even before moving into her new place, and then about 10x more during that 6 months.

My point is that they don't leave until they have a firm replacement to fulfill their needs, whatever those may be.  Complete pathological users.  Never seen anything like them.

[WuTanger100]

Mine was cheating on her fiancee with me for a year. She would not leave him until she knew 100% I was going to support her emotionally, financially and basically do everything for her.  I promised I would but that was not good enough. I had to lease an apartment for her before she moved out of his place.  Thankfully I only did a 6 month lease. And what a rough 6 months wow! She broke up with me even before moving into her new place, and then about 10x more during that 6 months.

My point is that they don't leave until they have a firm replacement to fulfill their needs, whatever those may be.  Complete pathological users.  Never seen anything like them.

I do think it's a combination of bleeding you dry for all you're worth as well as having a replacement lined up. My ex's replacement had only been on the scene, as far as I can tell, for a week prior to our BU.  I am NC so don't know how it's panning out. The last thing I knew was that they had just started to sleep with each other and she was telling her friends the sex was amazing and she couldn't stop thinking about him. All this in the first month of knowing him - a complete repeat of what she said and did to me.

[C.Stein]

From my experience I would say they decide to leave for good when they have a replacement.  My exBPDh left a lot of times during our 9 years together but usually came back after a week or so.  The final time, he was with a replacement within a week.  I think he had met her a couple of months before and had been in touch by phone since then.  As soon as he knew he wouldn't be alone if he left, he was able to dump me for good.

Mine was done when she realized I had nothing left to give anymore in anyway.  I was an anxious depressed mess, had very little patience for her.  Even though she was a knockout I had no sexual attraction towards her anymore so we rarely had sex, it was always me denying her.  And a week before the end she showed me a place she wanted to elope too at 7am and I looked her like she was crazy.  I unconsciously blew up the relationship myself. 

I can relate to both of these.  As with popcorn, mine starting paving the way to leave me for good when she found my replacement ... .a.k.a. the first guy who showed an interest in her and would make her feel better about herself.  She had broken me and our relationship and it was too hard for her to fix it.  Much easier to run to another man, they don't know what she really is like ... .yet.

Thirdeye, I was going through almost the same exact feelings as you.   I also unconsciously let the relationship die.  There were a few times when I felt like I was observing myself detaching, not really wanting to detach, but not being able to stop myself either.  My problem is I never really detached I just withdrew and buried all my love for her deep inside so she couldn't hurt me anymore.  Now that love is back and 3.5 months later I struggle with ... .well everything.

[Herodias]

Mine said that too much has happened... .we needed a break. He wanted out because he thought I was too controlling. He had all of these women that he talked to at work, that I am sure they were feeding into his stories of how his wife was so controlling and how they would be different and he should not stay with someone like that! Ridiculous! He told me he was on a downward spiral and he didn't think I should go down with him. He's a pathological liar, so I do not know if anything he says is true. I think he knew if he did scary things I would send him to jail and he is afraid of that for sure. He told me he didn't trust me... .even though he was the one that caused it!  I didn't want him to drink anymore and that was a problem... .he didn't want to stop. Once he had someone that was "into him", he didn't need me as much... .as I went no contact, it became less and less as if he knew he couldn't depend on me anymore. He still tries to get contact out of me once a month and I know I will have to at least text with him when divorce time comes... .He comes off so nieve' yet I do not know if he really is... .sometimes he is and sometimes not. It's that toddler thing. I can't tell if he really doesn't understand things sometimes or not. He told me he could manipulate me and her, so he thinks he can come back anytime he wants anyway... .it's really messed up.

[zundertowz]

From my experience I would say they decide to leave for good when they have a replacement.  My exBPDh left a lot of times during our 9 years together but usually came back after a week or so.  The final time, he was with a replacement within a week.  I think he had met her a couple of months before and had been in touch by phone since then.  As soon as he knew he wouldn't be alone if he left, he was able to dump me for good.

Mine was done when she realized I had nothing left to give anymore in anyway.  I was an anxious depressed mess, had very little patience for her.  Even though she was a knockout I had no sexual attraction towards her anymore so we rarely had sex, it was always me denying her.  And a week before the end she showed me a place she wanted to elope too at 7am and I looked her like she was crazy.  I unconsciously blew up the relationship myself.  

I can relate to both of these.  As with popcorn, mine starting paving the way to leave me for good when she found my replacement ... .a.k.a. the first guy who showed an interest in her and would make her feel better about herself.  She had broken me and our relationship and it was too hard for her to fix it.  Much easier to run to another man, they don't know what she really is like ... .yet.

Thirdeye, I was going through almost the same exact feelings as you.   I also unconsciously let the relationship die.  There were a few times when I felt like I was observing myself detaching, not really wanting to detach, but not being able to stop myself either.  My problem is I never really detached I just withdrew and buried all my love for her deep inside so she couldn't hurt me anymore.  Now that love is back and 3.5 months later I struggle with ... .well everything.

Sounds a lot like like my feelings towards the end of the relationship Stein.  I know when I left I had a sense of relief my anxiety went from feeling like I was gonna have a heartache and suicidal to a sense of peace.  I really thought I was gonna have very little problems moving on but after a few months depression set in.  I think part of me was expecting some sort of apology or empathy but it never came.  She moved on very easily. The past months I have just been stuck in rumination and anger. Luckily for me the love was gone and never came back.

[Beach_Babe]

They decide to leave after securing a new attachment. This is usually the first person that doesnt run.

[WuTanger100]

I know when I left I had a sense of relief my anxiety went from feeling like I was gonna have a heartache and suicidal to a sense of peace.  I really thought I was gonna have very little problems moving on but after a few months depression set in.  I think part of me was expecting some sort of apology or empathy but it never came.  She moved on very easily.

This is EXACTLY how I felt. I had been on egg shells for so long it was complete relief to know it was over. I didn't feel anything initially. It was only after I found out she was with someone else I started to feel depressed. After a year of us and everything that goes with it i.e. meeting families, going on holidays etc no apology or wind down texts - just on to the next. I think that in itself is a red flag that she is not wired like most people. The other thing that maybe made the depression kick in was because I was so used to her coming back and maybe subconsciously I thought she would again.

[butterfly15]

I thought my pwBPDex finally left me because he found a permanent replacement for me. Although we met on an online dating site I don't think he ever truly signed off. I feel he just finds people to have sex with and shuts them out and starts over again. We were together for 2 years I know now that he has most likely never left the online dating site. Instead just kept creating new profiles. He has been online a lot in the last 2 weeks. I know I try not to check but sometimes I give in

So I think maybe he never did have a true replacement and just didn't want the stress of pretending to be in a "relationship" anymore.

[steve195915]

I think they decide to leave because they fear abandonment so much that they in many cases line up another.  Then if you have a big argument and they think you may be done with them or they feel too stressed with your relationship then they move on and seem to have no remorse or pain.  If they think you are completely through with them they may not contact you but they usually try to keep the door partly open because the fear of abandonment with their new relationship and they always want other options for fear of being alone.  If you say something to leave the door open, like I will always love you and want another chance, most likely when things fail in their new relationship, you'll be contacted again for sure. 

[JSF13]

Do all of your ex's ever reemmerge months later? Mine left for good 3 weeks ago. We have had nc. I have attempted to email a few times to discuss financial matters but never get a response. My guess is she as well has moved on and as much as that hurts I am just happy to not be subjected daily to the issues. My worry is she will in time try to come back. Is this a trait or do they just burn it to the ground and keep moving fwd?

[Schermarhorn]

Do all of your ex's ever reemmerge months later? Mine left for good 3 weeks ago. We have had nc. I have attempted to email a few times to discuss financial matters but never get a response. My guess is she as well has moved on and as much as that hurts I am just happy to not be subjected daily to the issues. My worry is she will in time try to come back. Is this a trait or do they just burn it to the ground and keep moving fwd?

It depends. Mine always seems to come back after their relationship fails.

[Beach_Babe]

I thought my pwBPDex finally left me because he found a permanent replacement for me. Although we met on an online dating site I don't think he ever truly signed off. I feel he just finds people to have sex with and shuts them out and starts over again.

Yes, this 

[C.Stein]

Is this a trait or do they just burn it to the ground and keep moving fwd?

Once my ex detaches I don't believe she ever looks back.  I have become a pariah to her, she wants nothing to do with me ... .and it hurts like hell.

[JSF13]

Is this a trait or do they just burn it to the ground and keep moving fwd?

Once my ex detaches I don't believe she ever looks back.  I have become a pariah to her, she wants nothing to do with me ... .and it hurts like hell.

I feel like I am the same to mine. Doesn't matter what I did to appease her. its like I never even existed.

[C.Stein]

Is this a trait or do they just burn it to the ground and keep moving fwd?

Once my ex detaches I don't believe she ever looks back.  I have become a pariah to her, she wants nothing to do with me ... .and it hurts like hell.

I feel like I am the same to mine. Doesn't matter what I did to appease her. its like I never even existed.

Yup.  I have become a waste of time and space ... .a dead end ... .a lost cause ... .no longer of any value or worthy of her time or feelings.  It has been one of the hardest things to come to terms with.

[luckycharm224]

Is this a trait or do they just burn it to the ground and keep moving fwd?

Once my ex detaches I don't believe she ever looks back.  I have become a pariah to her, she wants nothing to do with me ... .and it hurts like hell.

I feel like I am the same to mine. Doesn't matter what I did to appease her. its like I never even existed.

Yup.  I have become a waste of time and space ... .a dead end ... .a lost cause ... .no longer of any value or worthy of her time or feelings.  It has been one of the hardest things to come to terms with.

I'm such a better man now then I was when her and were together, and she dispizes me, and we share a child. That's what I have a hard time wrapping my head around. Usually a woman would have a bond with there child's father especially when I'm 100% in his life... .This is so confusing. And hurts like hell