BPDs and their comfort zones

[troisette]

In trying to understand and make some sense of my only relationship with a BPD, I've just realised that his comfort zone of activities was very narrow. Time spent with his friends and together at his house or on holiday at a place of his choice. When we did things with my friends, or things alone, away from his friends I felt that he was uncomfortable, not at ease. Apart from when  we were relaxing alone at his house, his territory, then he was okay. Is this typical of BPDs? Be glad to hear the experiences and views of others. Thanks.

[zundertowz]

In trying to understand and make some sense of my only relationship with a BPD, I've just realised that his comfort zone of activities was very narrow. Time spent with his friends and together at his house or on holiday at a place of his choice. When we did things with my friends, or things alone, away from his friends I felt that he was uncomfortable, not at ease. Apart from when  we were relaxing alone at his house, his territory, then he was okay. Is this typical of BPDs? Be glad to hear the experiences and views of others. Thanks.

A lot of these illnesses are co-morbid, that kinda behavior sounds like high anxiety or even social anxiety. 

[hashtag_loyal]

My dBPDxgf was much the same way. Everything was "hard" for her, and she was always looking for others to do things for her. Classic waif. She was always begging me to go with her when she needed to do even the simplest of things. Totally afraid of getting out of her comfort zone and doing something she had never done before.

[valet]

Hey troisette, I think that what you're driving at here is an important way to think about your relationship. I had a similar experience.

A criteria of the diagnosis is that this person will have a fractured sense of identity. If I were to put myself in someone with that trait's shoes, I reckon that I'd feel quite similar. It would be easy to lose a sense of who I was in an unfamiliar setting. I think that we can apply this logic to ourselves as well at a certain level. For instance, if I walk into a room with a bunch of people that I don't know, I will be hesitant to introduce myself. It is a natural response, but without that ability to peer outside of the black and white (or to think, 'hey, what's the worst that can happen here?), it can be quite daunting.

This plays into the mind of someone with extreme fears of engulfment and abandonment. It is a trigger. When it is intensified by a relationship with a high level of intimacy, it seems irrational to us. But it is not. It is only a matter of understanding, and then hopefully, internalizing this person's behaviors as what they are. We need to understand the fractured self-identity of a pwBPD.

Some might say that this is impossible, and I would agree with that claim. But we can, I believe, approach a better approximation of what it might be like.

[troisette]

Thanks for your reply valet. Your comments resonate. My experience with him was socially but I remember he told me that when he was married and having probs; when he arrived at work and submerged himself in his work role his marital problems disappeared. He's now retired so I guess that adds to the pressure. I also saw what seemed to be the adoption of an external persona when we went out. I think we all do that to one extent or another but this was extreme, he became Mr Charm and, at the end, I found it interesting to see him work a room of people, one by one. Then, when we left, return to a default, serious and slightly negative person.  He seemed to be slightly intimidated by my friends, no reason to be, but I always knew he wasn't at ease. 

[Climbmountains91]

WOW yessss! When his out with me or I've witnessed it with his friends his always looking at his watch, always looks agitated like he needs to be somewhere else , it's so annoying I try not to take it personally and have never said anything but jeez. But as soon as he's in his "palace" as he calls it his free, his At ease. He has the same routine, and as you said his sctivitys are narrow. I know his time table for the week like the back of my hand. Lol!

[GreenEyedMonster]

My ex also has a very narrow comfort zone.  He is diagnosed with social anxiety.  He only has one good friend (whom he only trusts intermittently) and he will go in streaks with how much he sees him.  He used to say that he found it comforting to go places when he knew I would be there.  Now that I'm a trigger, not so much.  The only person he seems really comfortable with is his brother, but their relationship is shallow to say the least.  In fact, even since his teens, it seems like his brother facilitated most of his social life, and this is once again the case now that he "can't" go out with our friends because I am "stalking" him.

[valet]

Thanks for your reply valet. Your comments resonate. My experience with him was socially but I remember he told me that when he was married and having probs; when he arrived at work and submerged himself in his work role his marital problems disappeared. He's now retired so I guess that adds to the pressure. I also saw what seemed to be the adoption of an external persona when we went out. I think we all do that to one extent or another but this was extreme, he became Mr Charm and, at the end, I found it interesting to see him work a room of people, one by one. Then, when we left, return to a default, serious and slightly negative person.  He seemed to be slightly intimidated by my friends, no reason to be, but I always knew he wasn't at ease. 

I get all of that. I think that your experience would resonate with a lot of members here, as well.

It's difficult to see that 'other' person come out and know that what we see on the second half isn't always there. I wish that I could come up with a better word here, but it's... .heartbreaking, on a very basic level. It can make us question our role in the relationship.

Where are you now? How do you feel about everything?

[troisette]

Thanks for your reply valet, helpful. And for your enquiry about how I'm doing. Not a simple reply!

It's about 9 weeks since I instigated no contact. This following five weeks of game playing on his part after the initial break up. At first I was lured into the games - hoping for a reconciliation even though he reiterated that we could never get back together again if we argued. He was trying, unsuccessfully, to seduce me, I think to establish a friends with benefits relationship and also I think, to maintain control of a relationship on his terms. When the relationship ended, and during the game playing time it felt like living death, I was hardly functioning. That's the only way I can describe it. Although I did not let him see that.

The last time I spoke to him he was frantic to keep me as a friend. I wish I had the reply I since realise is the valid one: that my friends have my wellbeing at heart, want the best for me, are loyal. I ended the conversation abruptly and have not contacted him since.

He has not tried to contact me, I have only seen him once when I was having coffee in the sun with a friend. I think he saw us and scuttled past on the other side of the road, head and body averted. Scuttle is an unpleasant word but it describes his demeanour. I have blocked him on FB as I found it too distressing to see his posts. I've disposed of mementoes apart from a piece of artwork he did for me. I still have the photos but don't look at them.

But he is still a constant background hum in my brain. We live in a small town, associate with similar groups of people and he lives six streets away from me. I avoid going to places where I think he may be. I recently met a friend of his who said, with a knowing smile, that he'd just had coffee with him. I slid off the subject without making reference. A useful piece of advice was given to me by a male friend, that never to diss him, always have a smile on my face. This I do, apart from very close friends of mine. I have found myself making excuses to walk past the end of his street, I stopped this after a couple of times, recognising that it's not good.

It has been a learning curve. Swinging between my adult self and my child like self. (I recognise that the hooks were there due to our similarly damaged childhoods - abandonment is a huge issue for me after the death of my father when I was three. Luckily I didn't develop BPD.)

Reading the posts here, I now understand more about him and feel compassion for him. I also feel anger with him at his behaviour towards me. Also angry with myself for not asserting myself sooner. For not allowing myself to recognise the oddities and respecting myself more. But this of course is linked with my low self esteem, stemming from my childhood.

It is giving me an opportunity to explore the deficiencies in my own childhood. I had done so in the past - via therapy - but my experience with him has, in a way been a gift, despite the therapy I didn't realise how emotionally barren my childhood was. Also, the big aha that this is the first time I have allowed myself to go through the grieving process. I didn't as a child and think that I was so damaged by my father's death, lack of grieving, and perceived abandonment that I did everything to avoid it as an adult. I either kept relationships going, or found a a replacement, never allowing myself to grieve.

So I am consciously doing it now. When I am in my childlike state I experience the things people on the forum mention: longing, loss, hoping for that text or email, realisation on his part that he lost a good and loving person.

But my adult self runs parallel with these emotions; knowing that these things cannot be. Wondering if it was all an illusion. Understanding that my longings stem from my injured child, they are not possible from an adult perspective and that it's better if I don't receive contact from him.

I am going through the stages of grief, three steps forward, two steps back. Longing for indifference but I think that is some way off. I think I am beginning acceptance but I am not there yet.

I go out with my friends and enjoy myself. But the background hum is usually there. It's more noticeable when I'm alone but I find I need to spend time alone, to reflect and recover. I am sad that it has to be this way. Remembering the lovely times, but then I think: where there so many lovely times? There were some but also the underlying gradual undermining of my sense of who I am.

Meanwhile, I met a friend of his yesterday who is organising a fundraiser this week and asked me to attend. My ex will be there with his frenemies (his group of childlike friends who mutually reinforce each others' egos). Initially I was tempted to go. Friends have encouraged this, to confront my demons as one of them said. My secondary feeling is not to go, thinking discretion is the better part of valor and I should leave well alone.

Sorry. My answer to your question has turned into an essay! I guess, in one line: I'm trudging along but it very slowly is getting slightly better.

[troisette]

Ooops - a typo in the above post. It was five months of game playing, not five weeks. That's why it was such hell.

Talking of learning curves: I chose (or so I thought), my pseudonym out of thin air. Just realised that it is little girl, aged three!