REALLY bad day

[tribalmart]

I dont know why but I think after 5 weeks NC with my exBPD gf I'm not going forward anymore? Am I regressing in this long healing journey? My logic tell me that it is no more possible between us, she is very damaged and did many intolerable stuff to me like lying, cheating, manipulation... .She had many chances and every times I have been disapointed and frustrated about her way to behave. I'm gonna listen to my rational tought and I know this the way to go even if this is a very very hard one!

My emotinal side would like to talk to her, to have sex with her, to spend time with her, to know what she is doing, to know if she still think about me, did she start a therapy?, did she try to text me to my old number? ( I have changed my cell phone number because of harassment issues) to Watch her Facebook profile, to know if she is still with her rebound, and how evolve their r/s... .I MISS HER ALOT... .miss her companionship, her frienship... .

So today it is very hard! I feel prisonner of my mind! All my fears are more than ever present in my mind! Yesterday, I did the clean up of my voice mail, I had to delete many messages because there was no more space available on my voice mail. One of the message was from her... .her feminine and sweet voice "Oh honey, I love you soo much and I miss you alot... .it's terrible... .dont forget that I love you, I will always love you and will never love this way again!" I remember that at this moment (2 months ago) she was already dating her rebound! you see how speech doesnt match with behaviour!

My pain is terrible today, I feel like it was yesterday but I'm 5 weeks N/C and more than 4 months after I kicked her out of my home. Sometimes, I think that dating/having sex with another girl would help... .but I'm not sure. First, I dont want to behave like her (rebounding)... .I have always condemned this way to deal with  breakups... .it's weak and not good for a long term/lasting Healing. I dont know how to appease my pain... .I'm tired and feel discouraged frustrated (because she seems to feel great, can very easily catch men, has a great job) all that luck after all that wickedness (I'm not the first one, she also has destroyed the guy before me after a 9 years r/s)

Anyways... .Bad day... .very bad mood for me!

[ICantFixHer]

I'm sorry man, whenever I feel this way I ask myself: "What is harder, missing her, or going back to the cycle of abuse?"

I think you know the answer, hang in there, it WILL get easier.

[Wu-tang]

I hear you man and can empathise. I am also NC for 5 weeks and I swing from feeling pretty good and hopeful about the future to missing her and the connection we had. I too wonder how she is getting on with her replacement and hate the thought of her sleeping with him. I have to fight off the doubts that I did something wrong or that I just wasn't the one for her. I do this by  logically remembering all the cruel manipulative things she did and the lies she thought she got away with. Some days are easier than others and sometimes I scare myself that I can't get mad at her despite what she's done!

Stick in there mate. Emotions are only chemicals in the brain which will eventually subside!

[tribalmart]

Thank you Humble & wutanger,

You know what... .if a contact her one more time, 99% it's gonna end in a major depression. I will not do it because I still have my pride and I'm a father... .I dont wanna fall and then neglect my so precious daughter for this toxic woman! She had soo many chances and she always finish by lying and cheating! 99% she won't change magicaly and so quickly witouht serious and longterm Healing plan. She's not aware of the pain she causes and is not able to target her real issues.

Positive point... .writing and sharng on this forum make me feel better !

[guy4caligirl]

I feel your pain in every word you wrote !

I went through the same thing over and over again , after 120 days of NC she contacted me twice one by text one by phone , I don't know what her purpose was .

It's a five years relationship , it really hurts I tried dating other women but nothing compare to her and the chemistry we had for each others ,every time I end those mini relationships so to speak I start thinking of her and I am now doing that ... .

But I am not going to contact her it takes two to want ,when she tries and am available I might take a chance with her again but knowing the facts that everyone on here advise ,it's not going to be work we all have different cases behavior is the same in my case no cheating it was a mutual break up , but I will try and I am more prepare than ever for facing her


One advise to help you ease your pain tonight is :

I just came out with this tonight as a mater of fact ,to say to yourself and sooth your soul by saying

It's ok I feel this way tonight  and I miss her... .But this too shall pass .

Good luck 

[tribalmart]

Thanks cali,

Yes trying to let the emotions flow... .being able to feel it and to understand what is going on... .like said previously it's chemical! I used to be VERY demanding to myself on many aspect of my life... .almost every aspect! Now I try to be more compliant to myself... .and yes someday the bad dream will be over.

[Wu-tang]

Thanks cali,

Yes trying to let the emotions flow... .being able to feel it and to understand what is going on... .like said previously it's chemical! I used to be VERY demanding to myself on many aspect of my life... .almost every aspect! Now I try to be more compliant to myself... .and yes someday the bad dream will be over.

Like you I'm trying to make sense of it all. I'm quite a logical, pragmatic guy. But I was told something that makes sense the other day.

"I'm trying to logically analyse an illogical situation" - so to that end there is only ever going to be limited closure.

[tribalmart]

I like the way you think Wutang... .it breaks the 'never ending' vicious circle of overthinking and rumination... .Of course, what we have been trough with our ex BPD is quite illogical for us non because we do not manage emotions the same way... .really not! It's like speaking 2 different languages!

[steve195915]

So many of the same experiences.  I too have broken up with my BPDgf on several occasions yet take her back everytime because the pain of not having her in my life is unbearable.  Then the cycle happens again, the mental abuse, lies, manipulation, break-ups.  I'm currently back with my BPDgf though I know deep down the pattern will repeat.  When we're apart I've tried NC, went on a couple dates, tried to get involved in other things yet I still found myself constantly thinking about her, how and what is she doing, does she think of me, does she feel pain because of our split, is she trying to get in touch with me.  I missed the passion and connection, the friendship, making love like I've never experienced in my life.  Being with her is a dream and also the worst nightmare.  I go back again and again because being with her is amazing yet I know it will end up as a nightmare and I will be left devastated.  So I tell myself the next breakup I am completely done with her but how do I do it and how do I stop this pattern.  I have tried going on a date and all I do is think of her when on my date.  I tried keeping busy and doing the "my" things.  None of the suggestions have worked yet.  Open to other suggestions or is this just a pattern that will have to repeat over and over until finally you had enough, thats what I'm thinking anyways.  So maybe the trick is to be realistic with yourself and keep on telling yourself to be prepared for the next break-up so you won't be so devastated when it does happen.  Eventually you'll get numb to the whole pattern and then will be strong enough to actually move on.  Any thoughts if this is true.  I was wondering have others been through this pattern of splitting up and taking the BPDex back, how many times did this pattern repeat and what finally allowed you to move on?

[guy4caligirl]

Steve

You raised a very interesting question that I bet you ,it will touch everyone on the site!

Very true .

Could be the injection of their toxic thinking in our mind ,or perhaps we know we can do better with them now that we learned a lot about the illness ,we will be looking into a different angle at their outburst and episodes , behaviors ask them kindly to lay off of texting a third party   ,also  not to  take their action  it personally  ?

Could it be that we take them back to feel good and if they go this time , it's okay we quenched our thirst for all these unanswered questions and got our fix or dose for the last time so after all that we go in peace  ?

In my opinion it is worth the try to take them back ,keep in mind you can't bring them back they have to initiate that , I feel I am in that stage now if she does I will but not that easy now  smiley

What are your comments ?

Enjoy your company Steve and remember to validate her with moderation and don't talk about the past okay  

[tribalmart]

Steve,

In my case... .I caught her on a dating site and lying to me soo many times, I gave her 3 chances and every time the same story... .caught her again & again on dating site (tinder and pof). At then end she tried everything to take me back, the harassment was very intense, unbearable! And you know what, despite of her "effort" to take me back she was already dating someone else. She had a mysterious life (harassment during her working hours by calling and texting me and then she used to disappear on nights and weekend?) After that it was way too much for me! NC was the only solution to preserve my mental health and my pride! I faked to go at the police station, changed my cell phone number and called her mom to ask her to reason her daughter! For the moment it is still working! I'm still NC for 5 weeks now... .and even if thats hard I'm so proud of me! I dont know if she will try again... .really dont know? There is a part of me that wish her to contact me again, would be a kind of victory you know? Thats not sane because I know that if she does it I'll be upset and confused. Honnestly, I feel that she will try someday... .dont know when but with BPD surprise are always imminent!

So Steve, When that's gonna be way too much for you... .your gut is gonna tell you, believe me! You will not think anymore you will know what you must do... .unfortunately it often happens when you are very close to the limit, the bottom! And always follow your intuition, thats the best guide!