I miss her

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Been out with work buddies today Christmas shopping,generally been a good day but I find myself missing her. A work colleague mentioned she went out last night,not mentioned directly but I know she meant my ex. It bugs me as this colleague was the one who my ex tried tried to seduce her partner at my Christmas party last year and they seem to be friends. Is this normal to wonder if they had BPD,is it normal we minimise what has happened and that we blame ourselves or are willing to blame ourselves for everything just to be with that person again. I am starting to doubt myself and find myself almost obsessing about being the best I can be,dressing as sharp as I can because deep down I just don't feel good enough. In reality she seems to be getting on with her life and I'm struggling,I want to message her but know that this won't help,I just feel stuck and trapped in my own thoughts

[Little oak]

Been out with work buddies today Christmas shopping,generally been a good day but I find myself missing her. A work colleague mentioned she went out last night,not mentioned directly but I know she meant my ex. It bugs me as this colleague was the one who my ex tried tried to seduce her partner at my Christmas party last year and they seem to be friends. Is this normal to wonder if they had BPD,is it normal we minimise what has happened and that we blame ourselves or are willing to blame ourselves for everything just to be with that person again. I am starting to doubt myself and find myself almost obsessing about being the best I can be,dressing as sharp as I can because deep down I just don't feel good enough. In reality she seems to be getting on with her life and I'm struggling,I want to message her but know that this won't help,I just feel stuck and trapped in my own thoughts

[JQ]

Hi Little Oak,

It's good to hear that you're getting out with your friends and enjoying the day. It's a great step forward & you should commend yourself for it!  Might I suggests that you tell you "buddy" that you would like it if they don't mention her ... .if she went out ... .went to the movie ... .they seen her at the grocery store. And I'm sure they'll respect your request being the buddy they are ... .and if he doesn't ... .or mentioned that they went out with her ... .well ... .the rest is up to you.

You shouldn't blame yourself for things going south in the relationship ... .BPD is a SERIOUS MENTAL / BEHAVIORAL ILLNESS and nothing you do or didn't do or said or didn't say is going to make one bit of difference in her behavior.  Hang with your buddies ... .get out & get some exercise ... .take a walk when ever you think of her ... .here's a suggestion ... .overtime you think of her snap a rubber band on your wrist ... .yep it's going to hurt ... .it's the point. Soon enough you'll stop snapping that rubber band 

You're doing ok ... .you have a moment of self doubt ... .we all do!  You are in part dressing sharp, taking better care of yourself because somewhere inside you want to date again and by looking good, you feel good and this shows to would be dates that you see and pass in the stores. They take notice ... .you've seen it ... .so act on those looks you're getting ... .ask then out for a beverage hot or cold ... .a bite to eat ... .what's the worse they can say ... .no? yeah so what ... .you've been told no before ... .so ask and you might be surprised of the response you get.

DON'T MESSAGE HER!  Let go her control over you ... .YOU are in charge of your destination!  The ONLY limitations are the ones you put on yourself! 

Keep coming here as often as you need to or want to ... .let us know how your doing !  Now get out and have that beer & burger ... .or if you prefer that milk & salad 

JQ

[JSF13]

Hey Little Oak.

I completely get how you feel. I Miss mine every single day but like JQ said this is a very serious behavioral and mental illness. Just know that nothing you do will change her and that you were never at fault for how she is. This board in a matter of days has brought such clarity to me. I lost EVERYTHING in a short 18 months. For some reason my brain looks past that at points and clings to the good times which became slim to none. This sounds to be everyones story pretty much. I am going out a lot and to the gym 5 days a week again. Both things that are very important to me as a person that I lost in those 18 months catering to my BPDex. Stay strong man and keep coming here. I am literally on here nonstop reading and participating. It has helped me tons.

[Suzn]

It's ok to miss her, you were in a relationship.    Are you two in contact?

Is this normal to wonder if they had BPD, is it normal we minimise what has happened and that we blame ourselves or are willing to blame ourselves for everything just to be with that person again.

This happens often. We blame ourselves for everything to be with someone we miss again. You mention not feeling good enough. Developing boundaries helps build self worth, you are worth the investment. We all play a role in our relationships, working on our side of the fence helps us find a balance in being accountable for our side, not both sides.

You said your friend mentioned your ex however not directly. It sounds like you decided this was in fact your ex and this triggered negative thoughts/self talk. As you explained, it went downhill from there. How often do you find yourself following negative thoughts down the rabbit hole? Have you considered working to stop those negative thoughts in their tracks with some positive self talk as soon as you notice them?