I'm mad at myself

[Anez]

12 days NC tho I sent a text yesterday morning that went unanswered. I'm mad at myself for sending that text.

I'm mad at myself for checking her Instagram yesterday and today after I told myself not to.

I'm mad at myself for thinking about her all day long.

I'm mad at how much this has screwed me up.

I'm mad that I want to see her and be like we were

I'm mad that my life feels so dull right now and she's just moving on like nothing happened. Granted this was her bday weekend so my emotions and temptations have been high.

I'm mad that I have to see her at work each day and pretend to be a stranger while she laughs it up with other friends of mine.

I'm just mad at myself.

I'm walking into the gym now and hoping some weights can help me.

Just had to vent.

[guy4caligirl]

Anez

I really feel with you ,you have to go through the process , there is no way out , don't beat yourself too much.

it sucks , in time you will be ok it happened to all of us on here we all did it but at the end you will get out of the fog .

Last  year at this time I was down and under I couldn't see ,it's easier said than done keep the faith .

[fromheeltoheal]

Anger is a normal, healthy part of detachment and grieving, and going to the gym to get rid of that energy is a great move, beats the hell out of going to a bar and getting into a fight.  And it's OK to get mad at her too, part of taking your power back, but you may want to keep that to yourself if you work together.  And borderlines have developed some very strong tools to deal with emotions they can't deal with otherwise, so that laughing she's doing with your friends may sting, but realize she needs to act as if nothing happened and she can instantly move on, the emotions are too strong to face directly, so they need to be stuck in a corner of her brain where they don't hurt.  You getting mad and feeling everything is the right way, although it may not feel like it, but you will come out the other side the strongest you've ever been, so look forward to that.  Take care of you!

[Anez]

Thanks guys, really appreciate your responses.

the gym definitely helped.

it's amazing how this can all just run you over at times and make you feel crazy. i have 3 good friends that I talk to and while they don't completely understand what it's like to be steamrolled by someone with BPD it is good to talk to them. they tend to think it's just a normal breakup but I'm learning it's not like that at all.

This girl led to the end of my marriage. i saw great things for us. We had what i thought was a deep relationship. we helped each other through difficult times, i got her into therapy, we used to laugh on the phone talking about anything and everything and we were really attracted to her. one weekend we're spending it away having a great time in palm springs, the next weekend she's leaving stuff at my place, and then boom ... .she changes a little bit, the texts die down over two weeks and then she says she needs time to work on herself so that her relationships mean more.

and now we're in NC land and it just hurts at times, as you all know.

throw in the working together thing (and I act normal at work, making it so nobody knows what's going on) and the NC now while having to see her and it just sucks.

but i totally agree with your take on her laughter and hiding her feelings. Heck, three weeks ago she told me she couldnt talk to me about our situation because just the thought of it gave her so much anxiety, which tells me a lot.

so here we are. grinding each day waiting for the fog to lift.

thanks again for your responses. this is a great board.

[Aussie0zborn]

I'm mad with you too, and I don't even know you.

Sending a text that got ignored was not very smart. Look at how it made you feel.  When she sends you a text, you will reply super fast like a puppy dog, she'll string you along for a while and then she will stop communication abruptly to make you feel even worse than you're feeling now. And you ended your marriage for this woman? I bet she loved that. You know everything about your relationship was fake, don't you?

Why not make a list of the pros and cons of being in a relationship with this person. Be honest with yourself and the cons should outweigh the pros. Keep referring back to the list every time you feel a moment of weakness and stupidity coming on.

Keep busy and keep working out at the gym. It must be a killer seeing her get on with everybody else at work, like the "Miss Fabulous" she pretends to be.

Block her everywhere - pwBPD use social media to portray a wonderful life.  You're not yet in  a position to see this as and indicator of how fake she is and laugh it off. Get your strength back and stop giving it away. Work yourself up to committing to NC. Good luck.

[valet]

Hey Anez, I'm sorry that you feel angry at yourself. That sucks. I was there for a while too.

It's ok to be angry. It's a healthy response to loss.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. Keep posting and get those emotions out. I found that when I tried to bottle my emotions up, it made everything a lot harder for me. Life is still worth living, of course, even when we are experiencing pain.

[Anez]

Thank you for the tough love, Aussie. You're right and I needed that.

I've been meaning to ask, and this is a dumb question, but what does the pw mean in pwBPD?

[fromheeltoheal]

Thank you for the tough love, Aussie. You're right and I needed that.

I've been meaning to ask, and this is a dumb question, but what does the pw mean in pwBPD?

Yes, Aussie mentions the anger at her you can feel as well, totally appropriate towards someone who abused us; maybe you're not there yet, maybe you won't be, just don't make yourself wrong for going there, all part of taking our power back, and more energy to burn up in the gym, as you feel all of it and process.  The only way out is through.

pw is 'person with'.  You can also say 'borderlines'.  A person is not their disorder, and that distinction is helpful.

[Anez]

thanks, heal. That makes sense.

She was like a drug to me and i'm doing my best to fight through the withdrawls and move on with my life. The whole work thing makes it tougher but I'll get through it.

[fromheeltoheal]

thanks, heal. That makes sense.

She was like a drug to me and i'm doing my best to fight through the withdrawls and move on with my life. The whole work thing makes it tougher but I'll get through it.

Good for you Anez.  And as with any drug, folks take them because they meet an emotional need, or needs, at a low level usually, but they get met nonetheless.  So now you have an opportunity to use the current pain as motivation to dig deep and see what needs you were attempting to meet with that borderline drug, how well they really got met, how much, if any, was fantasy and how much was real, and most importantly, how can you get those same needs met in the future more sustainably and holistically and at a much higher level.  It's exciting really, focusing on the future like that, a bright future that you get to build from scratch, and you may look back one day and discover that your relationship with a borderline was a turning point, just what you needed at the time, on the way to the life of you dreams.  In the meantime, as you walk that path, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time.  Take care of you!

[Anez]

Yup, I hear you on all those points, Heal. I'm working with a great therapist now to figure everything out and improve myself.

[joel6242]

Thank you for your post, it made me feel allot better. I have been NC for maybe 22 days. I do have an email in my drafts though, I have had many times to hit the send button in the past few days but have not. I do know that my ex BPD guy is big into making me feel all to blame for everything, I think that is why I am not sending the email. I know that he would work very hard at getting people around him that would support he being the victim. I also know that when he was done with these people, just like me; he would dump them. And of course he was a victim of them. I am inclined to believe we need to start taking care of ourselves now and block the rest.