My Dreams and Feelings Of Love All Include Her In It

[daz_bpd]

As part of my healing and growing, I am going through all the areas of my life needing improvement. I sit and visualize of what I want, so that I can align my mindsets, actions and behaviours towards the 'ideal' goal. Im figuring out any limiting beliefs, and inconsistent stories I have (Tony Robbins Strategy. Story. State) However, when I move my mind towards 'Love, Relationships... .' its her body I am lying with, it is her mouth I am kissing, together we waking up in a holiday house, peaceful, tranquil. Its her daughter and me, and her walking hand in hand on the beach doing family things together.

My DESIRES are still firmly rooted in her, even after dating many other woman. She still contacts me, her last message, after i made a plea to her to work with me and make things right (and to not sell my possessions).

Me: you keep trying to convince me to send you money.

Me: I don't have money to send you. I am motivated to change things because I am broke myself

Me: If I don't hear from you again, that will be up to you, and the choices you make

Me: The one thing you haven't said to me is "<my name>, i want to make things better, how can we TOGETHER do things so that it will work out for both of us"

Her: theres no use for this anymore

Her: Even if you knew what terrible things happened to me today you wont be able to do anything-and i cant accept that

Her: I lost all respect for you. I no longer believe in you, and what you will do in the future wont matter to me.

Her: I meant it the first time i said it. But yes, I needed the money. So i continuously lied about loving you again and all that that god knows i can never do with you.

Her: You have so much motivation and all things that dont matter, because with you, things dont get done. You cant be trusted. You have always been a failure and I have always been ashamed that you called yourself my man. You are a disgrace to me.

Her: With everything you did to me, you expect me to want to make things better with you? Well, you are dumb indeed. Who would want to be with you? I want nothing of you, physically, emotionally, mentally, youre. Always have been.

Her: I am not attracted to you, your character, everything. There is nothing in you that I like AT ALL. NOTHING.

Her: So strive hard for yourself, you will never have my love and respect no matter how long you wait for hell to freeze.

Her: i only got $50 for your stupid monitor, its a 2006 model you idiot

Her: you dont know that electronics depreciate? it means they lose value. $1600 is now. how stupid are you bragging about how good and expensive it used to be when its basically valueless now

[daz_bpd]

She sent those messages to me above on thursday, and now this yesterday:

"If you care about me, please help me. I have no one to turn to."

[steve195915]

Classic BPD behavior.  Been through similar situations with my BPDgf.  What are you thinking about doing? 

[daz_bpd]

Right now, I can't do anything to help her, she only wants money from me and I don't have any to send her.

Since she refuses to engage or communicate with me at all unless I send her money, we are at a dead end. I've since blocked her from all Communication Platforms - the few words she does say to me is horribly abusive.

Right now, Im doing whatever I can to get my life back on track. My parents are helping me financially. Ive enrolled in a new postgrad study course AND im working through life coaching material, self-development, and making sure all areas of my life are being worked on in some capacity.

The only thing Im embarrassed about revealing to anyone at this point is that I still have feelings for her. I don't know why, but I still dream about her and wish to be with her intimately again. Even after dating multiple woman... .i want to be authentic about my feelings to my new partners, so Im hoping I can practice nonattachment (I do meditate) - Ive found I do a better job of not getting overly attached to new partners, but my feelings of my ex remains.

[steve195915]

So familiar.  My BPDgf asked me for money back in March, I said no since I gave her money on other occasions.  Right after I said no this time, we broke up.  She dated another guy for a few months, broke up with him and got back together with me.  During the time we were apart, I tried to get over her and had a few dates but couldn't get her off my mind and thought of her constantly so when she contacted me and wanted to see me of course I said yes.  Its amazing how they know to get you under their power.  I'm trying to get myself strong so the next breakup will be the last. 

[formflier]

  Believe your feelings, don't stuff them or be embarrassed about them.  They are real and they matter.  Just because you have feelings doesn't mean you have to act on them.  What those feelings "mean" is something to think on.  Don't rush it.                    

FF

[Grey Kitty]

daz, you can have feelings for her. And probably will have feelings for her. Certainly for a while, if not the rest of your life? (I don't recall your full story; how long have you been living apart / broken up now?)

I'm separated 14 months from my wife, and still love her and still like her company. Yet I'm actively trying to finish separating assets and heading toward divorce, and maintaining fairly low contact with her, and keeping it pretty much business. Originally she was done and left me (after cheating on me). A few months back she started tossing feelers out about reconciliation, but really doesn't show remorse other than wishing she'd picked a guy who was less of an a$$hole to cheat on me with 

Even though you still have a lot of feelings toward her, you still get to CHOOSE what you DO with her / for her.

Are you at a point where you know that she is going to treat you abusively, no matter what you do. If so, you know how bad a relationship in the future with her will be, and know you are doing yourself horrible harm if you pursue it.

[OnceConfused]

It sounds to me like she is taking advantage of you, not that she loves you but she just only needs your $. DOn't you agree?

[Skip]

She is very desperate and lashing out. It's not about you, plus or minus. She has a problem and she thinks you are holding out on her. I'd see it as just that.

Maybe, "I would like to help, I just don't have the money" and then let her work it out for herself. Might even sympathize with how she is struggling and you are pulling for her. You'll probably catch some heat - but let it end on that positive note and then step away and give her space.

This is all about her issue right now.

She feels you are holding her hostage and accountable for how she has treated you (which she probably feels mostly justified for) and she it doesn't feel good at all. This is her handling stress badly.

The best thing you can do is not let her makes things worse and not take this personally - one way or another.

It takes a great deal of emotional strength and self confidence to handle this stuff.

[daz_bpd]

@Grey kitty, I haven't physically seen her or touched her since Feb last year (1 year, 10 months), but I still remember everything about her, how she felt and how we touched, kissed and held each other.

The guy she slept with to get back at me, is even more broke, and since then asked me to send her money so that she can repay him what she borrowed from him, so he can pay his rent!

Yesterday she called me several times, and messaged me this:

Her: I miss you *crying emoticon"

I broke NC and sent her a lengthy email, detailing what needs to happen in order for is to re-establish a healthy relationship

This morning she replied to that with an email:

"I deleted your email without reading it.

But thanks for reminding me why I don't love you. I don't miss you anymore" (That is within 12 hours of calling me and messaging me that she does miss me)

@Skip, is the idea though that I won't feel these feelings for anyone else because they were too intense, like experiencing the 'high' of a drug, and that I must Let Go of those feelings I had of her and us together because they weren't REAL?

[daz_bpd]

Well, she sent me this now:

Wow there's more emails. What the heck.

That's why its called a DREAM, its not real. And Im telling you, I will NEVER be with you again.

I don not care what you're doing with your life. It doesn't concern me. Everything that concerned me you didn't do anything about. Shut up D**. I dont miss you, Im reminded how stupid and useless you are and I wish youre dead.

its like she sends me that "i miss you" to get me to respond and open up to her so that she can bring me down again and be abusive. when im ignoring her, she can't do anything, its only when I am in her web that she has the power to hurt me further

[daz_bpd]

Her further two emails:

Her: "Honestly, my life with you has been like CANCER. At least cancer can be cured."

AND

Her: "Im sorry D**, I cannot stop the anger. S*** and I have been fighting and he is very upset with me. I blame you because you promised me $2k this month and not $125, $250, $500, not a dime came, other people got involved.

I care so much about him. And the more angry he is at me, the more angry I am at you. You said you are taking ":)RASTIC" measures and you still have ZERO money until now. Thats how INEFFICIENT and USELESS you are! DRASTIC measures to you produces NO RESULTS!

I want to go home and I am stuck here coz I cant leave without paying him. This is you fault. I HATE YOU SO MUCH!"