I am new and need help

[WannaBeHappy]

Hello.  I chose the user name "WannaBeHappy" because that is what I want to be.  I have a 16-year-old daughter who has had multiple diagnoses (depression, anxiety,) but the most recent therapist thought both were wrong and she might have BPD.  As I look at my daughter's behavior and look at my MOTHER's behavior as well, they have all the presenting symptoms.  It is bad enough to have to deal with my mother, but to see my daughter give up on life is heart breaking.  No matter what I do (encourage good behavior, offer consequences for unacceptable behavior) there is no progress.  She is extremely bright (was tested and shown to be gifted) but she rants against that label.  She has scored extremely high on college entrance tests, but is sabotaging her chances of going to college because she fails to complete her school assignment.

I am exhausted.  My husband is in denial.  He believes that she is lazy and has said that to her on numerous occasions.

My daughter used to be active in church, enjoyed painting, drawing, sculpture and dance.  Now she simply retreats to her room and uses the computer and food as her "drugs" of choice.

She is on medication but does not take it regularly.

I sound like a whiner, but there are few people I can talk to about this.

Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Eyeamme]

Breathe. You have to breathe. Read the stuff on this site. It will help you no matter what. It has changed my life. We all totally know how it feels. Use this as your own spot without the outside noise.

[WannaBeHappy]

Thank you for the encouragement!  Heaven knows I need it.  After my daughter had a melt down, I really needed my husband's support.  I stood in the kitchen crying and not once did he come to comfort me.  I feel so alone.

[Highmark]

Hi.  I'm new to this site but not the consequences of having a daughter ( now 27) with BPD.  I'm divorced and believe that her mother (my ex) also lives with BPD.  I DO FIND THAT NOT BEING ALONE can help. 

I will let you know what advice I hear from the group here and have begun to read much on the disorder.

Highmark

(We can all reach for our Highmark)

[WannaBeHappy]

I feel better already!  Just knowing that someone "gets it!"

AFFIRMATION!

[pessim-optimist]

This is a great place to unwind, unload and get ideas on how to handle our situation better (lots of "how-to" material here)

The biggest lesson for all of us here is that if we are to be at all helpful to our children, we first need to take good care of ourselves in order to have the energy and presence of mind to be effective.

This journey is exhausting and scary - but you are not alone in this. 

Recovery from BPD takes time, as does learning and practicing the skills to help our child get better. When you feel up to it, feel free to check out the links in the right hand panel ---->

How long have you been dealing with this? How would a little bit of time just to relax sound?

[madmom]

Hello, and welcome---you will find lots of us here who can relate to your situation.  It is so hard and frustrating to deal with by all.  I am sorry that your husband isn't responding in the way that you need right now.  The very best advice I can give is to take care of yourself first, and use the tools and lessons you see here.  You are not alone.

[WannaBeHappy]

Thank you to all who have posted.  I appreciate this site.  I was on last night until I went to bed and got back on this morning.  Hopefully this resource will empower ME to do what I need to do.

Thank you.

P.S.  I need strategies to get my disengaged husband involved.  I have sent him articles and resources and he never even acknowledges that he has received them.  Help!

[pessim-optimist]

Good to hear that you are finding helpful resources here  - if you have questions, feel free to ask and we will do our best to point you in the right direction.

P.S.  I need strategies to get my disengaged husband involved.  I have sent him articles and resources and he never even acknowledges that he has received them.

As you said, your husband may well be in denial, and it may not be realistic to expect him to get involved at this stage.

The best you can do right now is to educate yourself and when you start using some of the skills and techniques and when those start working, your husband may notice the change and become interested, or you may be able to share with him at that point from a much better place.

In the meantime, while it is a lonely road without the support of a spouse, you will find people here who will be able to be there for you, and understand what it's like.

[BB_YogaGirl]

I think the feeling of isolation is why we're all seeking support from others in similar situations. I am new to the support group but feel that I need something/someone to just relay to me that they UNDERSTAND. Because no one else in my world seems to know what to do for us or how to support me. I haven't read the information on this site yet. Life is so busy and when in a time of desperation sometimes all I need is to do what you did... .purge. I have a 17 yo daughter with depression/panic disorder and a therapist who says she is BPD but psychs won't label her. Which is it fine, but we need to treat the symptoms. Our therapist is wonderful and has taught her DBT, but my daughter struggles to employ the skills when she's in crisis. She, unlike your child, has learning disabilities and struggles not only academically in comparison to her peers but with the emotional deficits as well. She feels so different than very one around her and as any teen, compares herself to her peer group and judges herself so harshly for not measuring up.

[takingmylifeback]

I too am new here. As i read each post with many it's like seeing your life written on these pages,  same story just change the name. While my husband understands and I have a supportive father. My step father (whom she is very close too) is another story.  I tried for an hour the other day to explain to him what was happenig with her and all be can say is well she has helped me so much and this is your problem to fix(he and my mother have been major enablers). I am glad your here and glad have someone as well to share this with.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jbmom]

I understand! It is exhausting and lonely as most people near just don't get it.

I don't have any advice, just a hello from one exhausted mom to another.

[Ohana]

I think the feeling of isolation is why we're all seeking support from others in similar situations. I am new to the support group but feel that I need something/someone to just relay to me that they UNDERSTAND. Because no one else in my world seems to know what to do for us or how to support me. I haven't read the information on this site yet. Life is so busy and when in a time of desperation sometimes all I need is to do what you did... .purge. I have a 17 yo daughter with depression/panic disorder and a therapist who says she is BPD but psychs won't label her. Which is it fine, but we need to treat the symptoms. Our therapist is wonderful and has taught her DBT, but my daughter struggles to employ the skills when she's in crisis. She, unlike your child, has learning disabilities and struggles not only academically in comparison to her peers but with the emotional deficits as well. She feels so different than very one around her and as any teen, compares herself to her peer group and judges herself so harshly for not measuring up.

Me too. Mine is 18. She seems to battle to learn, yet seems bright. No interest in anything. Yet very demanding. Lives in fantasy dreams, and horrors in her head. wants me to be her EVERYTHING. I cant. wow what is going to happen to her?

[takingmylifeback]

Dear Wannabehappy,

I am new here as well and am doing what I can to  take  my own life back. I understand wanting to be happy. I think someone a little further down in the posts said the most important thing. Take care of yourself first. Our children and the constant drama that comes with them is exhausting and if we don't take care of us, then we may take what is theirs as ours (because they are pretty good at throwing their stuff) and then we can't see clearly "what" belongs to "who". 

[Huat]

Good to hear from another Newbie!

My husband, too, has been in denial but then he never really took the brunt of our daughter's attacks.  She focused on me.  His response would be that I was over-reacting.  Well, indeed, I was "reacting" which wasn't good strategy because that let her know she was being successful in pushing my buttons... .a job well done! 

At any rate, there have been a few times when I have felt I was in the throes of a nervous breakdown because of the stress.  Twice over these many years dealing with her (age 12 to now 50) I have gone to a counselor and I have asked my husband to come to support me.  Thankfully he came.  Both times the counselors have validated what I had to say.  So sad that someone else had to be the one to point out to him that her behavior was not normal and that she was being abusive to me.  The last counselor also cautioned that her escalating verbal abuse could well turn into physical abuse.

It is still hard for my husband to admit that she is "different"... .cringes if I ever use the term "mental illness" in relation to her.  With all that said, I have been validated!  It helps me to read posts like yours because it also reinforces that I am not alone... .that others walk similar paths.  I so hope this will help you, too. 

In my initial introduction I used the words "accepting what is... .is".  Really, though, the hurt is always there even after all these years... .especially when I am in a group, smiling as I listen to the "proud" talk about their children/grandchildren.  I stay silent... .and sometimes the tears come afterwards.  I'm a Mom!