Trying to move on but still care

[Searching1]

I've been involved with someone I really care about. I'm not certain but she may have BPD. We've been together a little over 6 months and we just broke up again last week. This is the fifth time she has ended it. Within a few days she is telling me how much she misses me and I go back hopi g it will work. She has substance abuse issues but isn't trying to quit although she said she quit for several years in the past. At the beginning of the relationship, the first 2 months, it was great, gavealthough a couple of times she would just run away, leave and there would be different reasons she gave, usually saying it was something about her. We talked about marriage in a year and made plans. Then I found her doing more and more bizarre things Ike getting mad over what I thought were minor things or nothing. We made an for me to move in and then she backed out. I justified it by thinking she was scared or it was moving too fast for her so I decided it was ok. I was hurt but decided to take the higher road and try to understand. Seems like things started going downhill faster after this.  She started being critical and on occasion would rant at length about what I had done wrong that evening. She'd end it every few weeks and then say she missed me. I, caring so much, went back and things would go well for a while. She kept saying she did this because she needed more space. I gave her more space. I suggested counseling and she missed half of the sessions but I went. Last week when she said it wasn't working I asked her not to contact me. She texted me the next day for a legitimate reason. That was Friday. Didn't hear from her until tonight when she let me know she put something from a friend in my mailbox - legitimate reason to contact also but then said she emotionally felt awful because she wanted it to work. I basically asked why she felt so bad when this is what she wanted. She said she had wanted it to work and that she had feelings and it hurt like hell. She said she was also worried about me. I said I was trying to do things to take care of myself and I wished her healing also. I said she would always have a place in my heart. I am so hurt, torn between missing her and wanting to believe it can work and seeing how screwed up this is. She hasn't been doing anything g to work on this gs from her end. Any advice?

[Turkish]

Hello Searching1,

Trying to assess and deal with your own feelings is tough enough, but hers are so conflicted that it makes things all the more confusing. 

What was the pattern with the previous break-ups? Who initiated them, and who initiated getting back together?

Turkish

[an0ught]

Hi Searching1,

her behavior is certainly confusing  . 5 breakups in about as many months. Push-Pull behavior par excelence  :'(. This can be really disturbing for your sense how relationships are supposed to work.

Your instinct told you to go NC to protect your emotions - told her to not contact you. The problem of course is that rules for others don't work so well. And another issue may be that you were not committed to NC otherwise you would not be here.

The relationship as you approached it in the past with her is not working. Whether a working setup can be found is not clear. Common counseling won't help (it is often causing more problems in BPD relationships). Going slowly may be wise. Deliberation about Boundaries (see workshop section)- limits on commitments you make, limits of disrespect you tolerate and structure- will help you to protect yourself from being yanked around in a bigger way.

Often people getting involved with pwBPD only understand later what person they got involved with. This is not to say the pwBPD is bad or good. It is to say that understanding a pwBPD can be difficult without the right communication tools as there are a lot of odd emotions clouding the communication. Such a relationship requires excellent communication skills. A good starting point may be this workshop: https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating.

,

a0

[Suzn]

Welcome Searching1 

I'm sorry you've been going through all of this with your exgf. The back and forth with BPD is confusing for anyone.

She has substance abuse issues but isn't trying to quit although she said she quit for several years in the past.

How do you feel about this?

I suggested counseling and she missed half of the sessions but I went.

Good for you for suggesting counseling! Are you still going? 

I am so hurt, torn between missing her and wanting to believe it can work and seeing how screwed up this is.

Often we are torn with wanting to believe the person we are with is who we want them to be instead of who they are. So this leads us to ask ourselves who or what are we really missing?

She hasn't been doing anything to work on this rs from her end. 

She has to work on herself before she can be open to a healthy-er relationship. It sounds like you are well on your way working on your end. 

[Searching1]

My gf ended it last week  (5th time in 6 months). I asked for nc. Still love her. We're 2 older women). So it's been a week since seeing her. Longest time apart. She accused me via text of wanting a relationship with a straight woman who was just a friend and that she ran into her a few weeks ago and that was also why she pulled away.  Contacted straight friend and she said she never talked to my gf so I know for first time proof positive gf lied to me. Would like input as to what people think her reason would be to bring this up after already ending it, why after I told her I contacted straight friend and she supported what I told her about nothing between us and does the 1 week separation mean she is finally done? I know I won't go back to the pattern of push/pull and substance abuse. I still love her but starting to care more for me now. I've felt weak but trying to be stronger. I'd need to see some real effort on her part to reconsider a return.

[C.Stein]

Would like input as to what people think her reason would be to bring this up after already ending it, why after I told her I contacted straight friend and she supported what I told her about nothing between us and does the 1 week separation mean she is finally done?

I can't comment on if it is really over or not.  The more you read these forums you will find some pervasive patterns, one of which is the inability of pwBPD to take responsibility for their actions, particularly when it comes to actions concerning partners and people who are close to them.  My ex was very much like this and I am certain she has found a way to blame me for every questionable and wrong thing she did in our relationship, including her discarding me.  

The only things I saw her attempt to take responsibility for were things that were not her fault.  These were misc. trivial things that were obviously not her fault therefore posed no risk to her.   I think this allows her to believe she can take responsibility for her actions, even if it is a false belief.   However when it came to things that were her fault, especially things that were damaging to me and/or the relationship, she always had an excuse or reason that effectively shifted accountability off of her shoulders.  Even when she apologized for something, the apology wasn't sincere because in her mind she either believed she had done nothing wrong or believed she was justified in doing it.