How sick is this?

[CollateralDamage]

New here, but been lurking around since this is the place that finally convinced me I was not crazy.  Anyway, I am pretty damn sure I have been in an affair with a BPDgf for over 2 years.  So many signs align, red flags and cheating that seem to fit perfectly. 

So I decided to break up over a text message I found one night where she was secretly planning a "meeting" with a friend.  This friend, as she stated, was gay and she expected him to come out of the closet any day.  Yeah, so his opening line to her was "I miss you body, when we hanging again".  That was all it took.  So anyway, I didn't say anything after reading the whole damn message and even took a screen shot to save it... .just in case.  She then apparently changed the message by deleting certain things he said and making it sound more business related.  When the time came, I confronted her and she denied everything... .she even said, here look at the message.  Then I pulled out the screenshot and it was over then.  i left and went NC for like 2 months.

She then started to send passive aggressive Facebook banners (since she was blocked, but I had a fake account) that were about us, or our first song together etc and I, like an idiot got sucked back in.  Here is the crazy part... .she was already seeing a guy  but was telling me that I was the only one. She had not been with anyone, and only wanted us to be together again.  Over and over, telling me the right words, but she was acting like a ZOMBIE... .completely emotionless but still going through the motions.  I eventually caught this guy over at her house like 4 different times and each time denied that he was even there.  12 at night, no lights on and his car in the driveway?  Made me crazy as hell.  I even took pictures of the car to prove this since she always found an excuse or reason to wiggle out of anything. 

I beat on the door, rang the bell, called her 100 times and texted and would get nothing in return.  10 minutes out of the driveway she would text me telling the next greatest excuse she came up with. 

It was almost like she wanted to hurt me so deep that I would go away.  I could not understand why SHE came back to inflict more pain my way.  I just wanted her to be truthful and just admit she was seeing someone.  But no, she wanted to continue the game.  This last time broke something inside of me and I am still trying to heal properly.  I have been NC for 4 weeks and feel much better, but would BPD do something like this.  purposely cause so much pain to drive off their "soulmate" forever?  PS... .I still worry about her coming back again since I am still weak from this last show.

Thanks

[hashtag_loyal]

I found one night where she was secretly planning a "meeting" with a friend.  This friend, as she stated, was gay and she expected him to come out of the closet any day.  Yeah, so his opening line to her was "I miss you body, when we hanging again".

I was amazed at all the "gay friends" my dBPDxgf always seemed to have. If one was to believe her, she must've been friends with every gay man in the entire metro area... .

but would BPD do something like this.  purposely cause so much pain to drive off their "soulmate" forever? 

Yes.

I can think of a lot of potential reasons:

1. Hurt you so much you end the r/s, so she can shift the blame of ending things to you.

2. PwBPD just can't have nice things. They have such low self-esteem, they get genuinely anxious whenever things are actually going good in their lives, so they like to self-sabotage.

3. PwBPD don't really think things through long-term, and their feelings change all the time. She purposely told you that you were her soulmate when she felt that way. She purposely met up with the other guy when she felt like it. She purposely brought you back into her life when she wanted you again. And then she purposely saw the other guy on all those nights because that was what she felt she wanted to do at that point in time. She most likely didn't plan on causing all that pain in you, but was completely oblivious to your hurting while she focused entirely on her needs, particularly her immediate needs each time.

4. All of the above.

BPD Land is a scary place. I'm sorry you had to go through all that.