BPD behavior during prolonged absence

[sadmermaid]

A few years ago, in 2011, my husband had to spend 3 months abroad to take care of some business. We were very much in love -we met in 2009- but about 10 days after he left, he became distant,  whenever I saw him on skipe he cut conversations short. I asked him if he was seeing somebody -he had always been flirty with other women even in front to of me so I had grown jealous - he exclaimed "that''s it" with anger, shut off skype, didn't answer his phone, switched off fb, and I was in such a shock and pain I can't even describe it. The following  night he called back as if nothing had happened and the next 3 months passed without turmoil bc I knew I had to keep conversations short and not to expect much.

Last Christmas - 2014 - I discovered that in fact he had cheated on me during his trip abroad: he had a one night stand with a slut at a party, he told me they did it at the party in a dark corner of a garden, and he never saw the slut again. it happened a week after our "fight". I also found out that he had contacted an old flame even before leaving on that trip, and I found archived fb messages where he was informing this person that he was going to spend 3 months abroad and wanted to know if he could work for her during that period of time. It looks like he couldn't be without a woman and was kind of replacing me even before leaving! fortunately she had no job to offer so he had no excuse to ask her if he could go stay with her, and contacted other friends that could put him up for those 3 months.The other fb messages between them are no proof they actually ever met, so I have to take his word for it. When he returned he was not very passionate as I had expected after all those months apart, and it took some time before he got back to normal. Then,  a few months later he started rejecting me, and finally one day he said:"because of you, I cannot look at other women anymore, you are controlling!". I knew there was more than just looking if he was so resentful, and finally he admitted he was sexually attracted to anot her woman in town. After that, I caught him a few times turning around to look at her with lust when we happened to run across her on the street. Luckily she wasn't interested. His crush provoked such a big shock in my heart, I was crying all day, had to see a doxtor for medications, and he seemed to realize how much his fixation with other women was affecting me, so he stopped that behavior and especially now, after my discovery of his affair in 2011, he says he wants to honor and cherish and value our love.

Should I believe him? it seems his trip triggered him into having an affair and a crush in  a matter of few months. has anything similar ever happened to any of you?

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[dealingwithit]

I have some experience in this arena. No full-blown affairs that I know of, but definitely flirtatious behavior and contacting people throughout our marriage. It seems like they need that constant validation. My question to you is how do you take care of "you" in this situation? What boundaries or expectations can you set in a validating manner that you are willing to back up with action? We are seeing a counselor right now and hopefully we will work through this issue together. It seems when I spend a lot of time with my husband he is more focused on me and when he is at work a lot the other behavior emerges.

[sadmermaid]

Hi!

I told him that I will leave him next time... .he says he saw me suffer so much that he doesn't want to do it anymore, but what is it going to be like in one or two years? Is he going to feel that desire again? Is his repentment going to last? I want him to go to therapy and in fact he will start soon, but let me tell you, I want to be realistic, the only way to prevent bad behavior would be planting spy devices . Before confessing, my husband denied for years, told me I had psychological problems of jealousy... .he even took offense at my suspicions and gave me the silent treatment for that. He only confessed when I had proof something had happened, and because I swore I wouldn't leave him for cheating. Anyway... .even if he just looks at another woman with lust, isn't that cheating? Doesn't it mean that I am not the only one? Flirting and lusting is a symptom that the partner is not enough... .

[dealingwithit]

I agree and you have the proof because he admitted it. So it is on him to rebuild that trust. If he is lusting, that is unfaithfulness (according to Jesus.) I just know this attention-seeking is part of BPD. Some act upon it and others don't. I guess you need to figure out which behaviors you can live with and those you can't. Clear boundaries are required. I require all passwords to my husband's facebook, e-mails, and phone. No secrets. It is non-negotiable.