Just found out my girlfriend has BPD

[Shojohn]

Hello everybody . I just found out recently that my girlfriend of 10 months suffers from BPD. I found this out from her two children who are of adult age and told me that for the past 20 years she has been diagnosed with this illness. She left me this afternoon to go to her mothers for Thanksgiving well at least that's what she told me she was doing I will find out tomorrow but she took everything with her we live together and wrote a very painful text message to me then I guess I can get into once I am in the right forum subject. I just need help with this is the pain is unbearable. I was married for 20 years so was she before we met each other after both being divorced and she told me she has been celibate from her divorce onward

Until we met. I am so distraught and heartbroken I even spoke to her ex husband after I tracked him down what I consider unbelievable things until I read about BPD and now I believe him I want to stay in this relationship I try to contact her but she shut her phone off.

I also must add that I found out she is a closet alcoholic with only drinks one or two days a week and just a few ounces of alcohol but when she does drink she becomes a little agitated and amplifies small problems that might be in the relationship

[an0ught]

Hi Shojohn,

the holidays are always a potential trigger for drama . From the sounds of it your wife could not deal with her life as she perceived it (very acutely in that moment) and took off burning bridges in the wake  :'(.

Right now communication is switched off which may be good as it allows some time to cool down and for you to look at communication tools. What is important is to

1) avoid invalidation (see 2)

2) validate

3) express what needs to be expressed in a respectful and digestible manner (SET)

4) last but not least: Take good care of yourself. You did not cause it and you have not 100% control how it develops. But you have 100% control over what you do right now to feel better today!

Any idea what she was struggling with the past months?

,

a0

[livednlearned]

Hi Shojohn,

I wanted to join a0 in welcoming you to the site. It's really good that you found out your GF has BPD, because that helps put some tools in your toolkit that many of us don't have until we find ourselves in a BPD relationship, including the ones that a0 shared.

What kind of relationship does your GF have with her children?

How did you respond to her text message? It may be tempting to confront her with the BPD diagnosis -- even so, it might be a good idea to learn as much as you can about BPD first. If she has been diagnosed and did not tell you, she may feel shame. Finding out that you learned about BPD from her kids could also feel like a betrayal.

Glad you found the forum. 

LnL