Struggling/ I have a very tough decision to make.

[abq1980]

I haven't posted for a long time.  My divorce was finalized about two months ago.  I did not want the divorce, but you really don't have a choice if the other person wants one.  My ex wife is undiagnosed and has refused to be honest with herself and her doctors about her problems.  I believe she has moved on to a replacement as I caved and looked at FB and there is a photo of her and a new guy.  I don't know why it bothers me as she is no longer my wife, but it still hurts.  I know that she is probably on her best behavior right now and he has no idea what he has in store a couple of months from now.  When I told my sister about this she instantly said, "Poor guy.  He has no idea how she will unleash on him one day.  It's just a matter of time."  Right now I have been split black and she wants nothing to do with me.

I still care for and love my ex-wife a great deal.  She is a medical doctor who has been able to hide her symptoms from all of her friends and co-workers.  They do not know that she is physically abusive and has threatened her life on multiple occassions.  She is great at putting her game face on in front of them.  During the marriage, only my ex and her parents knew of her rages and physical abuse.  She always said she wanted to get help, but never did.  No one thinks they need help after the problem goes away.  I was always too embarassed to report the abuse.  I was a prosecutor at the time and I felt ashamed that I was prosecuting people daily for domestic violence, but I was too weak to do anything about it in my own home.

Often during her rages she would attack me by grabbing my forearms with her nails and dig in as hard as she could. There were multiple times where she drew blood.  Once when we were driving on a highway at 60 mph she got so mad at me that grabbed the steering wheel while I was driving and almost caused us to crash.  I believe she is aware of her issues, but she likes to downplay them and call them her "Italian temper".  I know better.  That type of behavior may be acceptable in her family, but it is not okay with me. 

Against the advice of some people on here, I am leaning towards filing domestic violence charges against her.  I am a criminal defense attorney and in the city the crime occurred, there is a mental health court.  It is different than the regular court and I think it would be perfect for her.  In exchange for a dismissal of her charge, she would have to follow all recommendations of her doctors and her probation officer.  The goal of the court is not to penalize, but to rehabilitate.  She is a medical doctor and I am hopeful she choose the program.  If she would take it to trial and loses, she would most likely lose her job and her license.  She will probably hate me even more for doing this, but I do not want the pattern of vilence to continue. I also believe that without her entering a DBT program, she will never get better.  I have personally witnessed amazing turnaround stories from defendants in mental healh court that are happy for the first time in their life because they were required to work on themselves.  I know that it is not my role to help my ex anymore, but I don't think I could live with myself if I don't try.

[C.Stein]

I know that it is not my role to help my ex anymore, but I don't think I could live with myself if I don't try.

I fail to see what good will come from this.  IMO taking an action like this seems more vindictive than helpful.  As you said above, it is not your role to help you ex wife anymore.  I want to help my ex too, but the fact of the matter is I can't.  I can't force her to get better and nor can you force your ex.  If they can't do it for themselves, believe they need help and want to make changes for the better, it will be a pointless exercise.  

I believe all you will achieve here is preventing yourself from healing and prolonging your own pain.

Why would you do that to yourself?

[abq1980]

Thank you for your reply C. Stein.  My parents are on board with your logic too.  I do think though that pressing charges will actually help me detach/heal and I know that my motives are not vindictive, even if they appear that way.  I will know that I have done everything I could do to push her in the right direction.  While I was a prosecutor, I saw people go from the lowest points in their lives to finally seeing positive change because of the program. The program in my city is not for everyone, but it does work for the people that want to make it work.  My hope is that she will enter the program because the alternative of a conviction would be devestating to her career and her life. I don't think she wants to put a $240,000 job at risk.  I think she has way too much to lose by not going into mental health court, which would ultimately dismiss the case.

I worry that if I don't do this, I will live a life of regret knowing that there was one last thing I could have done.  That's just who I am. She doesn't have to talk or see me every again, but I think I will sleep better if I do this. 

I have not filed yet, and I am going to run the idea by my new therapist before I take any action.  I have until mid-December before the statute of limitations runs out on the charge.

[Conundrum]

The time to confront the abuse was when it was on going not now. In my opinion this would be a tragic decision on many levels. If you were an assistant district attorney more than likely the DA's office would have to recuse themselves, furthermore if you're familiar with the Metro judges they would have to recuse themselves. Additionally, there's no guarantee that the state would even prosecute the case. Then it would be a private prosecution, and that opens up a whole separate can of worms. Assuming, that another prosecutorial body takes over the case, it is impossible for you too predict how they will exercise their prosecutorial discretion. Therefore there are many variables all for the sake of a white night mentality.

Perhaps, it would be best to consider why at the time of abuse you chose to mitigate the damage via silence. Ex post facto remedial attempts at regulating her disorder in the name of protecting her after you're divorced is an illusory goal, that will result in tragic foreseeable consequences for yourself and perhaps her.

Keep in mind she is quite capable of hiring excellent defense attorneys, who are trained to continue the case, protract the case, find procedural loopholes and have it dismissed on technicalities. Furthermore, these are he said she said cases. There is no way to assess whether her credibility will surpass yours in court. And if it does you will lose the case. The prediction that she will enter into an agreement to pursue mental health court is a leap of faith that cannot be supported by emotional probabilities.

I understand that you have unresolved feelings over the dissolution of your marriage but please give serious thought to whether they are coloring your judgment here. The decision you are considering will lead to immense further suffering. I wish you the best.

[guy4caligirl]

abq

I wonder if you have children with your ex, looks like you don't?

IMO,  I am good with the idea that the special court you mentioned would do her better than loosing her job and more .

That's why it's" a special "but it doesn't fit  everyone like your wife ,I am sure she is good at what she does to her patients ,

Your concern is her private life , it's hers not yours sorry being blunt it took me 10 moths to realize that she is what she is and responsible for her behavior I can't change the facts that she is mentally ill .

Skip once told me you can't make a blind horse see .

She has to come to a point of no return to realize that she needs help and will seek it when needed but it will take years for her to somewhat heal .

A very  good friend of mine  a doctor that's alcoholic lost his license ,his wife , children  and now almost homeless what a lost  .

An excellent  doctor MDPHD at his best  . was my physician  for over 25 years , i feel so bad for his actual state ,even though he tried rehab million times . ironically he always telling  me to stop smoking it will kill u as he said... .

Back to your case , nothing but more attachment and hurt and consuming thoughts on your side on a daily basis beside sleepless nights .

What i suggest is ,Go NC now after you're officially divorced , No one says it's an easy task .

Save your life ,your time and mainly yourself , let go or be dragged  , a doctor Advises his patients to seek help or a specialist when needed .I hope she will .

[abq1980]

Conundrum- very good points and I have thought about those possibilities.  I think the DAs office would still be able to handle the case since I no longer work there, but I could be wrong.  As far as waiting to press charges- at the time of the incident I would be able to still press charges on, I was unaware of the programs that my city has.  At the time I was practicing in a different jurisdiction that did not have specialty courts or remedial programs.  It was all or nothing.  And all meant that she would permanently have a domestic violence offense on her record and that she would lose her medical license.  I did not want that to happen then and I don't want that to happen today. i also knew at the time that if I filed charges then, I might as well have filed divorce papers too, because her parents would have made sure she did if I didn't. 

guy4caligirl- No kids.  We were trying to have kids before her hiking accident last September.  During her recovery for her accident she went from saying I was the love her life and that I made her happy in a way that she never knew before.  She said that only to devalue me less than 72 hours later and move out two weeks later to her parents place (which was in the same apartment complex). During her trauma recovery she threatened to end her life multiple times.  I was the only one who believed she would get better (which she has).  The rest of her family (all disorder too) accepted her "goodbyes."

it's amazing how much my life has turned upside down in 14 months.  I know that she was a ticking time bomb and that I should count my blessings that we don't have children, but it still hurts.  I've thought about contacting the new guy, but I know no good would come out of that.

[Mr Hollande]

I do think though that pressing charges will actually help me detach/heal and I know that my motives are not vindictive, even if they appear that way.

I'll be blunt and say I disagree. Contrary to your belief I think it'll draw you into a vortex of such trickery, confusion, deceit and chaos you won't know your ass from your elbow in the end.

You realise you are taking on a person who will fight for her life? You realise she will have everything to lose and will therefore shun no method to fight back? You realise how well a person with no way out will fight? If you think you've seen her darkness so far then just wait until you back her into a corner like you are planning to do.

You can take your chances and do all the above, or you can just drop it and start improving your life from here. You seem to have made up your mind so by all means go ahead but once the bronco is in full flight and you have no choice but to hang on as it speeds towards the horizon, remember the people who warned you.

[ArleighBurke]

I think I agree with the general opinion here:

Pressing charges now so that you can "heal" and so that you can "force her into DBT" just sound wrong.

You don't heal by poking a bear! If she has BPD, she'll escalate. The trial may last months. She will never see the good side of it. You are not helping yourself or her.

[Skip]

Just to add to the reasons, court ordered therapy is not very successful.  If you "dupe her into it" she's not going to embrace it.