Do they seek people who are inferior matches?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

No sure if I worded the title correctly but I'll explain the question I'm trying to ask.

My ex is very attractive, good body & sexy with it yet on her resume of ex's they are all what I would call not in her league appearance wise.

You have got one obese, one more than twice her age, one is is possibly the ugliest bloke you will ever see etc.

Now I'm not trying to say there is anything wrong with any of the above but not one of them is anywhere even near her standard.

I used to think this whilst I was with her, where are the self confident, good looking ex's & the answer is she doesn't have any.

Does she purposefully get with these because they are easier to abuse as they will not get another as good looking as her?

[reachingoutuk]

No sure if I worded the title correctly but I'll explain the question I'm trying to ask.

My ex is very attractive, good body & sexy with it yet on her resume of ex's they are all what I would call not in her league appearance wise.

You have got one obese, one more than twice her age, one is is possibly the ugliest bloke you will ever see etc.

Now I'm not trying to say there is anything wrong with any of the above but not one of them is anywhere even near her standard.

I used to think this whilst I was with her, where are the self confident, good looking ex's & the answer is she doesn't have any.

Does she purposefully get with these because they are easier to abuse as they will not get another as good looking as her?

[Confused?]

Sex is a very easy way to manipulate. What you described here was a tool that not only people with BPD would do. A lot of women and even men will attract certain people they know are below their standards for simply using them to get what they want. Although most of our stories here are similar everyone with BPD is different. Just like every non pwBPD is different.

[Itstopsnow]

my ex said I was out of his league . And he didn't know how he got me, we dated 18 monrhs. I had very low self esteem so I stayed longer than I know I should have, but I had no idea he was cheating on me. He seemed to loved the way I looked body wise and face wise. Bottom line is they'll abuse anyone they can! No matter what you look like or how good you treat them. They are mentally sick! There is no long term pleasing them. I do think they tend to date people they see are weaker than them, whether it be low self esteem or physically not as attractive . They can't get and maintain someone who is stronger than them . Unfortunately water seeks its own level. Meaning we are all targets because we stayed.

[hashtag_loyal]

Now I'm not trying to say there is anything wrong with any of the above but not one of them is anywhere even near her standard.

PwBPD do not have standards, they only have needs.

If you are with enough partners, you are certain to have had some more attractive, and some less attractive than others.

[Little oak]

I'm not sure if the term beneath them is correct but my ex was married for 4 years and from what I understand he had very poor boundaries with her... .possibly due to self esteem. We lasted only 6 months and whilst my ex was attached to me and that was clear I also wasn't afraid to speak up towards the end and I attribute this to the ending of the relationship in a short period of time. I'm not sure whether they target individuals but if they feel they can't walk over that person or we set boundaries we become less useful to them

[Little oak]

My ex also told me multiple times I was a failure and made me feel I couldn't do any better than her... .so I went out and proved her wrong... .met a beautiful woman and rubbed her nose in it... .I'm not proud of that and it didn't last because I carried a lot of issues with me

[greenmonkey]

I don't think beneath them is a very fair comment.

It is more of what they think they need at that moment in time. If they are looking for a protector, caretaker role etc. i know my ex targeted me because of my job, where I lived, my apparent status etc. If anything I was way above her in a lot of ways.

It all fell apart once we started living together, after being long distance,  and her mask dropped, and I started to fight back. Along with me finding out her true motives, uncovering the lying and cheating etc it was over.

I know that I was the first one that she lost control with regards to the discard. She had always called the shots and recycled, with me it was very different. I ended it, removed her from my house, then moved away. She lost control and power.

I suited her needs for what she wanted at that time, no more than that

[reachingoutuk]

Maybe I got this one wrong then.

It just seemed to me that none or her long list of ex's were in her league looks wise as though she targeted those who could not get someone on her level so would let her get away with anything in order to keep her. Then once she had them she would do literally anything & beyond to please them sexually making it harder for someone to leave her because they probably won't be able to match that. She often told me that it doesn't matter what someone looks like as in not even one bit, she doesn't even have to be remotely attracted to them at all & I now believe this to be 100% true with her.

[have gone nc]

The term " beneath them " doesnt really say much because you have to remember that people with BPD have very very low self esteem. The also lack a sense of self, So beneath what?

Also it seems that for most people who sound more confident, they were caught out in a period of life when they had just had something bad happen and were down on their luck and probably lacking their normal self esteem. But as soon as they became more strong again they get out.

I would pretty much guarantee that 100% of people who have been in a BPD relationship for a period of time are co-dependant to a degree. Im right right up there on the spectrum of it!

2x BPD relationships, the first 18months and the second 3.5years... .Gods way to tell me I was to cocky in thinking i'd resolved my issues after the first time!

[Flutterby32]

I think this may have been the case with my soon to be ex and me. When we met, I was almost 30 with next to no past success in relationships and had just lost a job. Not sure if she was able to sense this, and she then used it to hook me, but I am more and more inclined to think that was the case.

[Learning Fast]

"PwBPD do not have standards, they only have needs"

I believe it is a function of needs and wants aligning with availability and opportunity (especially coming out of a long, emotional and intense relationship).  At that point it is doubtful that appearance, financial status, age, location, etc. even matter.

My analogy would be this---if your house is ablaze (the emotional equivalent of severed relationship for pwBPD) do you really care who rescues and pulls you to safety?  Doubtful.  pwBPD view relationships this way---they'll attach themselves to anyone who can alleviate the momentary crisis.

[SummerStorm]

Mine often seems to go after people who either haven't been in a relationship for a while and are lonely or people who have low self-esteem.  Also, for her, it's all based on need, and that need is usually a place to live. 

She was friends first with the guy she dated last December/January.  Based on his comments on her pictures and posts on Facebook, he had been into her for years.  She was single and was looking for a place to live.  He wanted her.  So, she dated him.  Now, he broke up with her a month later, and when he did, she ended their friendship.  A few weeks later, she was kicked out of her dad's place and started dating a new guy.  A month after she met him, she asked him to get a place with her.  He said 'no,' so she decided to ask me (we'd only been friends for about a month).  For the next month or so, she kept trying to get me to live with her.  I said 'no.'  Then, her boyfriend asked, and she said 'yes.'  She went into panic mode as soon as he asked and ended up sleeping with me the night before she moved in with him.  Then, she tried to convince me to live with her again.  I got the whole "I love you so much and I'm scared of how I feel" speech.  A few days later, she decided to stay with him.  This went back and forth until she eventually got rid of both of us because she can't live with someone she's formed an intimate relationship with.  But the next time she needed a place to live, she asked me.  Of course, as soon as she found a place to live, she promptly discarded me again. 

I'm not sure it's fair to say she dates people who are "beneath" her, but I have noticed that she usually dates people who are below her in terms of education.  Out of her last 5 relationships, myself included, only one is a college graduate (me).  Her current boyfriend is still in college, so at least he's basically at her level.  She also tends to seek out people, myself excluded, who don't seem like they are interested in settling down.  I would imagine that this is her attempt to avoid engulfment.   

[Alberto]

Yeah they do. It's related to low self esteem and abandonment fears. If someone they really like rejects them or breaks up with them they interiorize it as proof of being flawed, many times they will choose an 'inferior' partner to avoud ego injury when things go sour.

In my experience, if you see a BPD happy with a partner is because there are no feelings involved. Love is what makes the crazy surface.

[SummerStorm]

Yeah they do. It's related to low self esteem and abandonment fears. If someone they really like rejects them or breaks up with them they interiorize it as proof of being flawed, many times they will choose an 'inferior' partner to avoud ego injury when things go sour.

In my experience, if you see a BPD happy with a partner is because there are no feelings involved. Love is what makes the crazy surface.

Yep.  Everything started going downhill with my pwBPD right after she told me she was in love with her boyfriend.  A few days later, he asked her to live with him.  This started a downward spiral that culminated in a suicide attempt.  And from that point on, everything was just complete chaos, until she ultimately decided one day to leave him. 

[cosmonaut]

Looks matter very little in the long run.  Perhaps pwBPD are attracted to those who they think understand them?  Those who provide soothing and emotional stability they can't provide for themselves?

Edit:  Isn't this very similar to what everyone wants?  To find someone who seems to love and accept them?  Who understands them?  Someone who makes them feel good?  We sometimes act like pwBPD are some alien race.  They are not.

[C.Stein]

Edit:  Isn't this very similar to what everyone wants?  To find someone who seems to love and accept them?  Who understands them?  Someone who makes them feel good?  We sometimes act like pwBPD are some alien race.  They are not.

I agree.  I think the biggest difference is a pwBPD takes more than they give.  They need to fill the void inside them.  They need constant validation in order to feel somewhat good about themselves.  A "non" typically doesn't need these things and also doesn't take more than they give.

[joeramabeme]

Maybe I got this one wrong then.

I don't think you got this wrong at all, in fact it is spot on but just needs to be reworded.  I believe the question is "do they go for people they think can be controlled".  The answer is definitively yes.  It is not really a better / worst construct. 

The number of possible ways to control someone is only limited by the minds creativity.  Sex is one of the easiest ways but Finances, emotions, family background, social status, looks and so much more can be leveraged to someones advantage.  Further, many non's tend to be caretakers and as such are very accommodating and patient people - typically good traits - but also traits that place us at higher risk when in relationship with a disordered individual. 

So it is not necessarily a above/below construct as much as finding a way to exercise control - which is typically sought after NOT as a means to achieve sex, money etc., but rather, as a means towards emotional safety - which people with BPD have no sense of and therefore  . . .

[SandWitch]

"PwBPD do not have standards, they only have needs"

I believe it is a function of needs and wants aligning with availability and opportunity (especially coming out of a long, emotional and intense relationship).  At that point it is doubtful that appearance, financial status, age, location, etc. even matter.

My analogy would be this---if your house is ablaze (the emotional equivalent of severed relationship for pwBPD) do you really care who rescues and pulls you to safety?  Doubtful.  pwBPD view relationships this way---they'll attach themselves to anyone who can alleviate the momentary crisis.

Oh YA!  Mine started showing me how people would be used to meet his needs when he said things like, "She is nice (easy to manipulate)", "I am not going to quit my job - I have them trained", "There is a whole world of needy people just waiting for a kind word" He would try to bring people closer using subtle sexual topics.  Especially women but men too.  But he was also a narcissist and had many personalities or facets.  The more people he was in contact with the more fractured he became.  It was a painful ugly dance.  To him sex was the only way to truly know people - it was his biggest priority. 

[cosmonaut]

I believe the question is "do they go for people they think can be controlled".  The answer is definitively yes.  It is not really a better / worst construct.

Rather than seeking someone to control, pwBPD are seeking someone to fuse with.  They are the ones in the one down position.  They are the ones who offer themselves up.  Sex isn't used to control, it's used as a desperate attempt to maintain an attachment.  pwBPD often mirror.  They are the ones who are willing to remake themselves into what you most want.  This isn't control.  They are the ones who are relinquishing control in return for safety and refuge from the storm of their emotions.

[Alberto]

Looks matter very little in the long run.  Perhaps pwBPD are attracted to those who they think understand them?  Those who provide soothing and emotional stability they can't provide for themselves?

Edit:  Isn't this very similar to what everyone wants?  To find someone who seems to love and accept them?  Who understands them?  Someone who makes them feel good?  We sometimes act like pwBPD are some alien race.  They are not.

The crux of the disorder is that when they find someone really special, fears of abandonment kicks their anxiety through the roof and the acting out, impulsivity and triangulations starts, thus guaranteeing the abandonment.

They need love, probably more than nons, but they can't handle it. The only way they can have a long term relationship is when they find a severely co-dependent partner.

[Beacher]

My soon to be ex loved to tell me ' I'm the smartest guy in the room, it's been proven' and ask me in arguments if I even went to high school or how stupid I was or how much more money he makes. Mega impressed with brilliant, smart people but would be sure to tell me off and on ' now come on, I know you're a smart girl' or ' you have so much common sense from all you've been through'. I've always seen through the bs and at the time just thought he was trying to shower me with compliments as he would frequently do early on in our marriage. It makes me want to hurl when he tries it now that it's too late. He bashed me about my reckless texting and how much trouble I could be in, yet Mr. IT in charge of securities sent his girlfriend a 3 page itinerary of their affair that She mailed me. Helllllloo? Guess He's not as smart as he thinks. So yes I believe they reel in people THEY perceive as inferior. Whether it's physical or mental, it doesn't matter. Still doesn't take away the hurt, but I learning a great deal from all your posts. Thank you.

[Beacher]

LOL ' I learning'. Oh boy!

[Fr4nz]

No sure if I worded the title correctly but I'll explain the question I'm trying to ask.

My ex is very attractive, good body & sexy with it yet on her resume of ex's they are all what I would call not in her league appearance wise.

You have got one obese, one more than twice her age, one is is possibly the ugliest bloke you will ever see etc.

Now I'm not trying to say there is anything wrong with any of the above but not one of them is anywhere even near her standard.

I used to think this whilst I was with her, where are the self confident, good looking ex's & the answer is she doesn't have any.

Does she purposefully get with these because they are easier to abuse as they will not get another as good looking as her?

Since BPD is an attachment disorder, they do not seek "inferior" people to abuse... .they are simply "disconnected" from their self, so, finding a partner is functional in "completing" their self and avoiding feels of shame, emptiness, void, etc.

Basically, they want to complete their self with the partners' one AND feel validated/accepted.

As a consequence, you can easily realize, then, that this issue is agnostic with respect to values such as wealth, beautiness, etc. I'm not saying that they don't consider these aspects, just that their primary needs are quite different with respect to those NONs have.

[hashtag_loyal]

Rather than seeking someone to control, pwBPD are seeking someone to fuse with.  They are the ones in the one down position.  They are the ones who offer themselves up.  Sex isn't used to control, it's used as a desperate attempt to maintain an attachment.  pwBPD often mirror.  They are the ones who are willing to remake themselves into what you most want.  This isn't control.  They are the ones who are relinquishing control in return for safety and refuge from the storm of their emotions.

I agree with this sentiment. I feel like pwNPD or pwASPD are more looking for people to control, while pwBPD are just desperately looking for attachment.

[shatra]

Beacher wrote

Mr. IT in charge of securities sent his girlfriend a 3 page itinerary of their affair that She mailed me. Helllllloo? Guess He's not as smart as he thinks. So yes I believe they reel in people THEY perceive as inferior.

-----Why did she mail it to you? To give you info, take revenge on him? 

----Yes they seem to reel in people they perceive as inferior. They can then project their own negative qualities out onto the other person. Also, someone inferior is a "sure bet" someone less likely to abandon the pwBPD

[Beacher]

Yes she dumped him and when I guess he did not pursue her, she became angry and decided to take revenge. The week of my daughters wedding I receive this in the mail. She is an attorney but I guess not too bright either. Looking forward to my quiet drama free life soon.

[FlyFish]

Interesting subject,

My ex uBPDgf always told me "I was too good for her". This actually upset me so much because she was beautiful, smart, and sexy. And I told her and displayed this often as any good partner does. It showed her low self esteem which I overlooked.  This was before I knew anything about BPD. She probably knew at some point that she was going to hurt me and this was her way of giving warning? She also said I should go out and find someone better. This of course coming after she said that she loved me and couldn't imagine being without me. Why would I want someone else when I had something so beautiful with her? It wasn't logical but that seems fairly typical with what we are all going through. Still dealing with all the confusion and 'crazy making' she put me through... .Although she was never raging or uncontrollably angry (waif BPD). I think if she showed "the rage" side of herself that it would be a deal breaker for me and I truly think it would have been. I went through a lot but the rage I would not have put up with. Honestly this fact makes her even harder to get over.

[C.Stein]

Still dealing with all the confusion and 'crazy making' she put me through... .Although she was never raging or uncontrollably angry (waif BPD). I think if she showed "the rage" side of herself that it would be a deal breaker for me and I truly think it would have been. I went through a lot but the rage I would not have put up with. Honestly this fact makes her even harder to get over.

Couldn't agree more.  My ex is much the same.  We rarely ever fought and even though she had a short fuse (she blamed it on being hungry), the complaining and anger wasn't typically directed at me.  Not to say there weren't times when it wasn't directed at me, it just didn't happen that often.  We got along great the vast majority of the time which does make it that much harder to understand and get over.

The problem is the hurtful behavior that impacted me and our relationship did so much damage that it overshadowed the good.

[Reforming]

Worthwhile thread.

I'm going to use the dreaded spectrum word here and suggest that BPD includes a pretty broad range of personality types and behavioural traits and it's worth bearing in mind that BPD is frequently comorbid with other conditions which have a significant bearing on how they who they choose to attach to and how they interact with them.

I think they are frequently drawn towards people who they think will make them feel safe and offer stability and a seemingly secure sense of self that they lack.

As Cosmonaut says, a refuge from the storm.

Their judgement is often suspect because their perception of others and their ability to judge character and behaviour is very skewed by their disorder.

My ex told me that she was drawn to my kindness. She also suggested that I was out of her league though she was a beautiful woman.

Ultimately I think many BPDs are drawn towards people who they think - and again it's worth remembering that their perceptions are pretty unreliable - can give offer them safety, a secure attachment and a strong sense of self.

Unfortunately their poor sense of self, fear of abandonment, and desperate need to attach can often cause them to make poor choices.

These can range from being unhealthily codependent i.e. being in a relationship with someone who enables them doesn't help them confront their illness or get better, or downright destructive -  it's well documented that BPDs are frequently drawn to narcissists because on the surface they seem so confidant and certain of who they are...

I'm not suggesting that is always the case, but it certainly happens. Interestingly some therapists describe BPDs as failed narcissists.

Reforming

[Alberto]

Worthwhile thread.

I'm going to use the dreaded spectrum word here and suggest that BPD includes a pretty broad range of personality types and behavioural traits and it's worth bearing in mind that BPD is frequently comorbid with other conditions which have a significant bearing on how they who they choose to attach to and how they interact with them.

I think they are frequently drawn towards people who they think will make them feel safe and offer stability and a seemingly secure sense of self that they lack.

As Cosmonaut says, a refuge from the storm.

Their judgement is often suspect because their perception of others and their ability to judge character and behaviour is very skewed by their disorder.

My ex told me that she was drawn to my kindness. She also suggested that I was out of her league though she was a beautiful woman.

Ultimately I think many BPDs are drawn towards people who they think - and again it's worth remembering that their perceptions are pretty unreliable - can give offer them safety, a secure attachment and a strong sense of self.

Unfortunately their poor sense of self, fear of abandonment, and desperate need to attach can often cause them to make poor choices.

These can range from being unhealthily codependent i.e. being in a relationship with someone who enables them doesn't help them confront their illness or get better, or downright destructive -  it's well documented that BPDs are frequently drawn to narcissists because on the surface they seem so confidant and certain of who they are...

I'm not suggesting that is always the case, but it certainly happens. Interestingly some therapists describe BPDs as failed narcissists.

Reforming

I think the same, but those relationships don't last, specially with narcissists. The power struggle is too extreme and the anxiety is explosive. The only type of personality that brings assurance is codependency, the bad part is that it breeds contempt and subsequently abuse.