Stuggling to recover

[StateofShock]

So I guess the first thing to say and get out in the open is, I need help.   I am a few months removed from a 1.5 year relationship with a BPD girlfriend/partner.  I feel like I am frozen, in a state of shock, and physically and emotionally scarred. This is my story.

I was married for 10 years.  I went through a difficult divorce but had a wonderful young daughter that is the love of my life. During this time my daughter became friends with a young girl at school.  I had my strength, and was finally at a good place in life.  The girls began going on play dates and I became close friends with her mother.   We remained plutonic friends for over a year, and then she made it very clear she was unhappy in her marriage, had married the wrong person, etc.  We didn't speak for months. When we resumed speaking, things changed. It became clear that we had romantic feelings for one another. We talked about the lives we wanted, how important family was, and how we seemed drawn towards one another. Whenever we were apart, we texted constantly. She decided to leave her husband of two years(which was a decision she had appeared to make many months earlier and they were living separately).

Not realizing that she was mirroring my behaviors and "becoming" who I was instead of showing who she really was, I thought I might have found my soulmate. I was in love with this woman.  She wanted my thoughts and opinions on everything. She listened to every word I said and followed every bit of advice I gave. Our daughters were best of friends, talked of becoming sisters on their own, and we couldn't be apart for long.  She moved into a place of her own(right near me) and we began our relationship.  I noticed things early on that caused me concern, but I looked past them. She seemed to be a little too admiring of me to be real.  I noticed she had a temper; not a bad one, but would become irritated for little to no reason.  She had accused me of hiding my phone, and one time showed up at my house accusing me of being out with another woman. I set boundaries and explained to her what was and wasn't acceptable. 

The biggest red flag was when I became emotional over something my daughter said about being proud of me, and said that was what I wanted out of life; she became upset. She stated that SHE wanted to be the one to make me feel that way. This immediately took me aback, and she eventually brushed it off as "that just happened one time".

The next few months were a roller coaster, as she confided in me that she might have a borderline personality disorder. She showed me a psychiatric evaluation that laid out in black and white that her life consisted of a string of unstable relationships, and this was the pervasive pattern in her life. I had no idea how serious this was. I encouraged her to get counseling, and I did not see many of the symptoms of this disorder that were below the surface.  She would run away, and then come back.  Over and over again. We remained together throughout the multiple "breakups".   She would bring items into my house, only to "move out" the next time we had a disagreement.  If I was late, she was extremely upset.  She wanted to know NOTHING about my past life(it would make her jealous),  but had no problem filling me in all all of her relationships.

Her daughter became part of my world. I loved her as I loved her mother, and treated her and took care of her as my own child.  I cared for her while her mother was at work, and took her to school some days.   I helped her with schoolwork and went to school conferences as if I were her father.

A year passed and she was involved in all aspects of my life. We did virtually everything together. If days passed when we could not spend time together(when I was with my daughter or working), she would become anxious and depressed. Sometimes irritated. Her text responses would become one or two words,  as if punishing me for not being with her.  But once we were together again everything was great.  I could never become really "comfortable" because I was always afraid of the next time she would run, but there were still moments of great connection and love.

She said I was her "superman" who had saved her from a life of misery and shown her true love. She did anything I needed, and even things I didn't ask her to do. We were a family, called ourselves a family and made plans for the future. I had never felt this much support or had someone that was always there for me, in spite of her episodes of "running away".  The running away became less frequent, and she assured me that that part of her life was done. "No more running away for me" she always said. "I have planted my roots with you, you are my future."

She talked constantly of us moving in together, and even referred to herself as my "wife" at times. She wanted our cell phones combined, our calendars synced, and have each other on gps at all times. I didn't mind, I have nothing to hide.   It made me feel as if we were really building a life together and this was my second chance at having a family.  Our girls were so happy together and I just knew I was doing the right thing. 

I did not realize that the closer she got to me and saw my flaws, my weakness and my mistakes, that she no longer saw me as a "superman".  We moved in together, and things became worse rather than better.   Now that she had the upper hand and was in my home, she became a different person. I became a different person. She became more angry, I became more depressed.   The "running" started again. She would literally weekly quit the relationship, usually via text. Then she'd change her mind. It was an emotional rollercoaster that made me more and more depressed.  three months in and there was almost nothing left.  She RAGED and told me what a messed up person I was and how DARE I use her, that my daughter was a BRAT and I was the biggest joke she'd ever seen. Literally days or weeks before this she met a guy on Craiglist(selling something) and immediately struck up an rimmediate relationship with him.  I found out when one of his texts came through on her phone.   I was devastated.  Even though we were "broken up" again, we had always come back together. Not this time. She stayed out all night and didn't come home. Lied about where she was.  She immediately latched onto this guy(33 years old and had never been in a relationship).  He understood her "snarkiness" she said. He had no "baggage". No kids, no pets, no ex. She didn't want a family anymore.  Her daughter went to another state to visit her father, well, she LEFT her there. 

It took two months to get her completely out of the house. Two months of me attempting to get her back, deperately begging her to stay and remember the promises and committments we made; the family we had built. We continued to have sex, only for her to tell me usually after that she didn't "feel the connection anymore".  All of it pushed her away further. The more I wanted her, the less she wanted me. She finally left, after taking her time removing her things SLOWLY from the house and rubbing my face in it the whole time. 

"You didn't give me enough attention"   "You should never have put your child first"

I am now a shell of the person I used to be. I feel used and abused and utterly alone. I fight feelings every day of desperate longing for her. I feel frozen. I have lost 10-15 lbs and feel more depressed than I ever have. I had to cut off all communication with her in order to stop the hurt.   I feel frozen and literally in a state of shock that the woman I love could be so dishonest and immediately cling to a stranger. And leave her daughter. She never wanted a family, she was mirroring my behaviors. Wanting what I wanted.

I don't know what to do with myself. I sit here ready to spend my first Thanksgiving ever completely alone. The holidays will be rough.  Some say that this type of borderline(the kind that can detach immediately and move on) is a blessing.  That she won't come back and try to rekindle things is a good thing.  I can't get this woman off my mind and I don't know how to move forward. To make matters worse, my daughter has hit purberty and now wants to live with her mother. Barely wants anything to do with me.  I have lost the love of my child, and the woman I was going to live my life with. I also lost the other "child" that I treated as my own.  I have lost everything and this woman has literally no remorse.   I cannot believe how different my life is from a year ago. I had a family, now I have nothing.

[C.Stein]

Some say that this type of borderline(the kind that can detach immediately and move on) is a blessing.  That she won't come back and try to rekindle things is a good thing.  I can't get this woman off my mind and I don't know how to move forward.

Welcome to the home of the BPD discards.  I'm right there with you, my ex is also apparently the type that can detach and move on immediately, acting like nothing ever happened between us.  Two years of being together and she has shown no feelings, no remorse, no responsibility, no acknowledgement, no concern, no memories ... .nothing at all.  She has turned her back to me and I will likely never hear from her again.  It has been incredibly difficult to deal with this.   I also can't seem to push her out of my mind or stop feeling attached to her.  

Granted, it has gotten a little better, the non-stop wet eyes are gone, now it's just frequent wet eyes.  The constant anxiety is also gone, kinda, at least I'm not experiencing anymore chest pains as a result of it.  I'm a yo-yo of emotions, as I am sure you are.  Waffling between profound sadness and relief, wanting her back, yet not.   It is tearing me apart.

It took me about two months after the final discard to actually start feeling emotions again.  :)uring those first two months I was just emotionally numb, like I had been for the entire year.   I started to feel emotions again as my birthday approached ... .much the same as it appears you are getting inundated with emotions now with Thanksgiving here.  After I started feeling again it all came crashing down and I essentially ceased to function for 6 weeks.  It has been the most difficult time of my life.   I don't remember any of my past breakups impacting me this much.  I had completely invested myself, opened up myself to this woman and when she decided I was no longer worthy or held any value to her I got replaced.

Anyhow, it is difficult to make sense of it all.  I have been really trying hard to accept she simply is not the person I fell in love with.  I am trying to merge the two halves of her into one person so I can stop hanging onto that amazing person I was ready to do anything for.  It has been a struggle to say the least, but I think I am making a little headway but by no means am I there yet.

I think perhaps if you try to see her for who she is instead of that person you fell in love with it will be a little easier to accept that she is gone ... .because she really was never there to begin with.   We both fell in love with an illusion and now that the illusion has dissipated we are left with shattered hearts and have become emotional wrecks.  We both need to let go of the illusion.

[StateofShock]

Thank you for your words of wisdom. My 10 year marriage did not affect me as much as this one relationship has. There are times I wish to never see or hear from her again and times i wish she would show up on my doorstep and make everything okay again.  As for the wet eyes, I am experiencing that every day, I hope it will lessen with time. I've never experienced anything like this. I could HATE my ex-wife. I cannot hate this woman no matter how hard I try.

[butterfly15]

Thank you for your words of wisdom. My 10 year marriage did not affect me as much as this one relationship has. There are times I wish to never see or hear from her again and times i wish she would show up on my doorstep and make everything okay again.  As for the wet eyes, I am experiencing that every day, I hope it will lessen with time. I've never experienced anything like this. I could HATE my ex-wife. I cannot hate this woman no matter how hard I try.

same feelings here 

[C.Stein]

There are times I wish to never see or hear from her again and times i wish she would show up on my doorstep and make everything okay again.  As for the wet eyes, I am experiencing that every day, I hope it will lessen with time. I've never experienced anything like this. I could HATE my ex-wife. I cannot hate this woman no matter how hard I try.

I know exactly what you mean.  I want her to reach out, to show me she still loves me.  Then I think of why it all went to hell in the first place and I don't want anything to do with her ever again.  

It is excruciatingly difficult to deal with these conflicting emotions.  I want to reach out to her but I know I will get silence.  By her own admission I have been replaced and by the looks of it before she discarded me.  Then there are some things that suggest I haven't been replaced.  This has not helped me heal.  She has moved on and wants nothing to do with me, replaced or not.  It is almost like I never existed at all.  

I want to hate her, I even mutter to myself ... or sometimes scream that I do hate her ... .but yet I can't because I am still in love with her.   All these conflicting feelings quite simply tear you apart.  I can't seem to let her go and I really don't understand why it is so difficult.  Perhaps because I had shared parts of myself that I had never shared with anyone and when she left it feels like she took those with her.  I shared a very personal dream with her and only her.  

As the relationship progressed her behavior towards me at times caused a lot of emotional damage and pain ... .resulting in me distancing myself from her more and more.  Towards the end I was just emotionally numb and pretty much didn't care anymore what happened.  Now that I am feeling emotions again I care very much.  

I think when she looked at me towards the end all she could see was her own shame and guilt and that was why I got replaced.  She had broken me and I no longer made her feel good about herself, so she went and got that from someone else.  Knowing this HURTS LIKE HELL!   For all the fear of abandonment a pwBPD has you would think they would not abandon you when they hurt you  ... .but I guess that isn't how it works.

It sucks ... .and I will probably never get the closure I want from her.  I need to provide it for myself and to this point it has been elusive.  This forum has been extremely helpful though and I am thankful for the help and support I have received thus far.

[hopealways]

S.O.S. thanks for this post, I feel for you. One thing you have to focus on is yourself. The problem we all have as Nons is that when this intoxicating relationship with a BPD is gone, we feel we have nothing left, and that simply isn't true. We have ourselves. We have high value, that's why BPDs are attracted to us, but we are also empty inside because we don't value ourselves as much as we should.

As hard as it is, step back every day and look at all the great things you have done, the blessings you have and be grateful for them.  One woman should not have this much effect on anyone.  I know, easier said than done, but thi is a process and we have to struggle with it daily.

[joeramabeme]

Hi StateofShock - Welcome to BPD Family.

Your story very clearly presents a women who was displaying (and sounds like also diagnosed) classic BPD traits and the part about you becoming enmeshed is a classic portrayal of how us non-BPD's get stuck during and after our relationships.

I am curious, did your first wife have any BP traits or other personality disorders?  Do you think that perhaps your BP GF was helping to repair some lost ego from your marriage? 

As far as "wet eyes" - I have had quite a few moments crying about the loss of my marriage and have absolutely no problem with letting the feelings be what they are.  I stymied and stifled my internals for so much of my 10 year marriage that it was extremely healing to just stop judging myself for anything and instead allow myself to be me as authentically as I could.  You will find that people on this forum are not judgmental and indeed are extremely supportive.

Joe

[SandWitch]

SOS

The mirroring thing is very potent . . . you believe this is your soulmate.  And having everything synced.  I believe that mine cheated on me for 3 week because he quit making sure that we had the same plate, etc (something that I thought was sweet).  Then he came home very upset quoting things this woman at work had said that hurt his feelings.  He vowed his undying love for me.  I down played all this in my mind but it left a bookmark of anxiety.  The pattern would repeat.

What is helping me right now is realizing that this relationship was an energy sucking dead end.  Yes, it could have been good if he had really meant what he said, wanted the dreams he claimed to have in sync with me, really been who he pretended to be, been able to make up his mind and stick to it, hadn't lied, had been willing to work on his issues (he knows he is severe borderline but wears it like a crown of thorns) . . . . I could blather on for another paragraph or so but let's not. Worse yet it was all mostly a fantasy he created to lure me in and slowly shape me into what he needed me to be. 

Explosions and denigrating comments if I spoke up or didn't meet his needs.  Supportive words and pampering if I was malleable, agreeable, apologetic. Part of me still feels protective of him - I am a caretaker.  But the truth is I could never have been happy with the sacrifices and instability and loss of self.

I hear that you feel alone now - my children live a continent away.  But I think that if he was just a pretender - then truly I was always alone.  Any thing he gave me had a price - one I eagerly paid until I realized the ante would rise til I was empty.  Sounds dramatic?  That is how much I gave away.  Each of us deserves happiness - I am starting over financially as well as emotionally.  Though I left him which helps a bit I am told. I am trying to think of this as an opportunity since I did not lose a "real" person. 

There are wonderful tools here -  I hope that you will explore them to build yourself up. 

[Conundrum]

I'm sorry that you are suffering. We suffer because we cling to what we crave. We crave how our pwBPD made us feel.

Often, what occurs in these situations is that the non becomes hyper focused upon their feelings to the exclusion of all else.

Healthy relationships require a balance, in which each party maintains a degree of interdependence. These types of relationships sacrifice interdependence for vampiric need. That is unhealthy. The underlying reasons both parties invest in that unhealthy dynamic is because they have unresolved foo/emotional/relational issues. Though, only you can explore those reasons for yourself.

It stands out to me, that in your post there were no references to the collateral elements that comprise a functionally mature and complete life; such as career, spirituality, hobbies, other family members and friends etc., ergo, a life purpose separate from the attachment. I do understand how that comes about in these very intense relationships, but it is still incumbent upon you to balance your emotions with your reason. Particularly so, since you have a daughter who still needs you.

I see that you mention she wants to live with her mother due to puberty, though perhaps an additional element in her decision is that she sees you have become too emotional over this woman. It is hard for a child to watch her father suffer and fall over a relationship. I think that it is important for both your well being and your role as a parent to find the inner strength to progress forward and place this relationship within its proper context. A man's purpose in life is not defined by an attachment. A woman's purpose in life is not defined by an attachment. They may complement each other and build something of worth, but inevitably a meaningful life is derived from our individual essences. I wish you well on your recovery.

[StateofShock]

I am very grateful for all the replies. I can see there are thousands if not more who are in the same position I am.  There are certain things that make this especially hard for me.

The back and forth, one day we were going to be together forever, had plans, were not going to let anything keep us from our future together. The next day she couldn't take it any more and wanted to be done with everything. Back and forth. Drove me insane. Like someone mentioned above, I went numb, got depressed.  This was the perfect reason for her to stop "loving me" and find someone new. I wasn't there and I was depressed.

I love her daughter(who is still in another state).   She will leave her there rather than have to be "tied down" by having a 10 year old to keep her from all the adult time she gets to enjoy now. Her daughter called me today to say happy thanksgiving. I don't think she realizes exactly what has happened. She misses me and my daughter.

She feels nothing but hate and bitterness towards me. She moved on with someone she met on Craigslist. CRAIGSLIST.  Anyone that would show her attention and had no "baggage" could have filled this role. 

I can't get over how cruel she became. She would outright taunt me knowing that I wanted to keep our relationship together and she wanted to go(already had him lined up).  The things she said I could never say to another human being.

She can detach... .I can't.   I am envious of this ability she has to "turn off" all her feelings.   We were a family and were as close as two people can be, and it means nothing to her now.  I am alone and left to grieve for someone who likely doesn't think twice about me.

[C.Stein]

She can detach... .I can't.   I am envious of this ability she has to "turn off" all her feelings.   We were a family and were as close as two people can be, and it means nothing to her now.  I am alone and left to grieve for someone who likely doesn't think twice about me.

Yes indeed.  It is one of the most difficult things to come to terms with.

[SandWitch]

The back and forth, one day we were going to be together forever, had plans, were not going to let anything keep us from our future together. The next day she couldn't take it any more and wanted to be done with everything. Back and forth. Drove me insane.

Sounds like you desire stability . . . this person does not sound stable or dependable. She seems to have proven it beyond a doubt.  Do you believe you deserve someone who can interact with you in away that creates a feeling of stability and happiness?  This does not sound like a person who can stay on course long enough to dream WITH you. 

My ex could not.  He needed "something new or different" regularly or he began to feel like he was "stuck, on a leash, fenced in, trapped".  It wasn't who he presented himself as in the beginning or I would NEVER have moved in with him or hitched my star to his!  If only, if only . . . accepting that I could no longer put the majority of my needs on hold to hang on to a dream with no real substance was like experiencing the death of a mate. 

If a person treated your daughter the way this woman has treated you what would you do?  How would you help her to process and heal?  It is so beautiful to dream with a partner and create memories and experiences.  But until that opportunity manifests for real we still deserve to dream on our own or perhaps with friends and family. 

[StateofShock]

Yes I very much want stability. Its all we talked about was getting stability for our children and each other. But it was anything but stable.  Yes I realize logically that this was all wrong and was not what I wanted. A person not being stable for you, thereby making you anxious and fearful about if you even have a relationship on a daily basis, then telling you that you're "not the same person anymore".  Well yeah of course I'm not the same person anymore.

I'm not a *$&%*% machine. I don't get to re-attach to the next female who shows me some attention, and forget about my previous relationship. I'm not built that way. She gets to do just that.

[C.Stein]

Yes I very much want stability. Its all we talked about was getting stability for our children and each other. But it was anything but stable.  Yes I realize logically that this was all wrong and was not what I wanted. A person not being stable for you, thereby making you anxious and fearful about if you even have a relationship on a daily basis, then telling you that you're "not the same person anymore".  Well yeah of course I'm not the same person anymore.

I'm not a *$&%*% machine. I don't get to re-attach to the next female who shows me some attention, and forget about my previous relationship. I'm not built that way. She gets to do just that.

My ex did the same thing and by all appearances has moved on like I never existed.  I can't even imagine being with another woman right now with feeling like I am cheating on her. 

I also wanted stability, permanence and sustainability.  I need to know she would not run when things got tough, as they will inevitably from time to time.   I never really felt stable with her and I needed that for me and us in order to believe in a future family with her.  She also needed this, so it is more than a little confusing when she would sabotage that stability with her behavior and actions.

I was in an almost constant state of anxiety and fear as a result of things she did or said.  I know and believe it could be better with her, if not great, and that we could find true happiness together if she would believe in herself and see her hurtful behavior for what it is and its impact on me.  She would never want someone to treat her in the way she has treated me at times.

It really makes it hard to let someone go when there is so much good in the person, but then all that good gets brutally sabotaged by their hurtful behavior.  ARGH!

[joeramabeme]

Yes I very much want stability. Its all we talked about was getting stability for our children and each other. But it was anything but stable.  Yes I realize logically that this was all wrong and was not what I wanted. A person not being stable for you, thereby making you anxious and fearful about if you even have a relationship on a daily basis, then telling you that you're "not the same person anymore".  Well yeah of course I'm not the same person anymore.

I'm not a *$&%*% machine. I don't get to re-attach to the next female who shows me some attention, and forget about my previous relationship. I'm not built that way. She gets to do just that.

My ex did the same thing and by all appearances has moved on like I never existed.  I can't even imagine being with another woman right now with feeling like I am cheating on her. 

I also wanted stability, permanence and sustainability.  I need to know she would not run when things got tough, as they will inevitably from time to time.   I never really felt stable with her and I needed that for me and us in order to believe in a future family with her.  She also needed this, so it is more than a little confusing when she would sabotage that stability with her behavior and actions.

I was in an almost constant state of anxiety and fear as a result of things she did or said.  I know and believe it could be better with her, if not great, and that we could find true happiness together if she would believe in herself and see her hurtful behavior for what it is and its impact on me.  She would never want someone to treat her in the way she has treated me at times.

It really makes it hard to let someone go when there is so much good in the person, but then all that good gets brutally sabotaged by their hurtful behavior.  ARGH!

State of Shock and C. Stein - I wanted to jump in on this thread because what you guys are discussing is identical to the experience I had. 

Guess I had never just came out and said it, but like both of you, I just wanted to find firm footing where I was standing and walking to in my marriage.  I had no problem going over any terrain requested to make that happen.  But each time I thought I met her request, the contentment or satisfaction I thought it would bring her was short lived and then ultimately morphed and ultimately consumed into the next wish for something else.  Each transition came with its own set of arguments, wild mood swings, unpredictable responses and heartache that I just wanted to make my wife happy and seemed so ineffective at doing. 

All this had 2 significant impacts on me.  The obvious one is that it made me unhappy that I could not find stability and therefore all our significant plans had a 'looming cloud on the horizon' feel about them; I could not feel sure that we were going to ever resolve anything.  Small tasks could be monumental.  I never understood how arguments got started and what we were even fighting about.  It was all so confusing.

Second and much more subtle, was the internal agony I felt from questioning myself about myself.  I was questioning myself because;

- I wanted to believe it was about me so I could change / fix the situation,

- because I had no reference point for BPD and assumed the intensity with which she presented her arguments 

   about me had legitimacy and meant that she was seeing my blind-spots that I could not.

- Because I had my own PTSD stuff going on throughout all this which made the unhealthy dynamic a perfect fit

   given the FOO background I had.

C Stein, I could really relate when you discussed her not seeing her hurtful behavior (to me and others).  She didn't and further, could not even understand it when I explained it to her.  I remember telling my wife that when it came to other peoples feelings she was like a bull in a china shop but when it came to her own feelings she was hyper-sensitive to the extreme.  I guess this is part of the illness, an inability to see your behavioral impact on others.

I too think my 2bxW and I have/had a wonderful thing together, minus the PD.  But I have learned not to think like this anymore because it is not grounded in the reality of who she is and I can't have a r/s with someone that I wished were a certain way. 

In the end, the BPD behavior is self-sabotage in the name of defending yourself from something you really want.  Very confusing - especially if you have no information about it.