Need some help with communication

[unicorn2014]

Hi everybody, its been a while since I posted here. There have been no dysregulations since last Sunday, so that's 10 days now.

Tonight poses a different problem.

I haven't heard from my SO in 3.5 hours, when he said he stbx was coming over to drop off a box. I'm actually enjoying the quiet time. Its really hard for me to validate him when he says "wish we were together right now!"(the last thing he texted me)  because I don't feel that way at all. I do not want things to go back to the way they were. However I'm also not happy I haven't heard a peep from him in 3.5 hours. I know if I were to go silent for 3.5 hours and not because I was sleeping my SO would be really upset.

I'm actually quite content to be not connected to him on FaceTime tonight. Its a rare night off for me and I'm loving it. However I do not want to deal with his meltdown after he's been with his stbx as she really triggers him. I find him really unpleasant to be around after he's been around her, as he acts traumatized.

What I need help with is a compassionate or empathetic way to let my SO that I would have appreciated some kind of check in to let me know what's going on, because her dropping off a box to him does not take 3.5 hours. I don't want to stir the pot either as my SO is going to his parents house for Thanksgiving for the first time in a long time, so I don't want to poke at him at all. I haven't called him, just texted him to let him know that a lot of time has passed since I last heard from him.

I don't want him calling me at a late hour wanting to connect after he's been with his stbx or traumatized or triggered. I don't want to have to deal with that. He doesn't have a therapist, doesn't think he needs a therapist, and I certainly don't want to play that role.

Any suggestions?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

  Send him an email or text, wish him a good night and that you will be available to talk tomorrow.  Enjoy a good nights sleep!                   

FF

[Grey Kitty]

Like the goodnight message idea 

Bigger question: You indicate would be really upset with you being out of touch for 3.5 hours while awake... .I'm going to interpret that as you have ~hourly checkin contacts during all your waking hours.

Do you WANT that level of contact from him and with him? To me that sounds like a lot.

You also sound like you kinda expect him to dysregulate if you turn off your phone or just drop the chat conversation for a little bit. Are you afraid / walking on eggshells there?

[unicorn2014]

Send him an email or text, wish him a good night and that you will be available to talk tomorrow.  Enjoy a good nights sleep! 

FF

As it turns out his stbx was there for only 10 minutes and then he fell asleep. We didn't get in a fight.

[unicorn2014]

Like the goodnight message idea 

Bigger question: You indicate would be really upset with you being out of touch for 3.5 hours while awake... .I'm going to interpret that as you have ~hourly checkin contacts during all your waking hours.

Do you WANT that level of contact from him and with him? To me that sounds like a lot.

You also sound like you kinda expect him to dysregulate if you turn off your phone or just drop the chat conversation for a little bit. Are you afraid / walking on eggshells there?

We don't have hourly check ins however he had told me his stbx was just dropping him off a box, so when I didn't hear from him for 4 hours, I was perplexed. If I did turn off my phone without telling him or not text him, it would probably upset him, however if he did that to me, I would get upset too.

That's not what bothering me tonight, its his "if we were married", and then he tells a story that is irritating me tonight.

[Notwendy]

If your SO lived closer, would a 3.5 hr interval be an issue?  My H goes to work and I may not hear from him all day long. Same with my kids when they are in school. It isn't unusual for me to not be in touch with the people who are closest to me for intervals longer than 3.5 hours.

I think everyone has the right to agree on their relationship contacting agreements- so if less than 3.5 hours is an agreement you and your SO have, then that's OK. What I am suggesting though is that 3.5 hours in not necessarily a problem in a relationship. Sometimes people get busy and lose track of time.

[unicorn2014]

Notwendy, I understand that, my pwBPD is definitely the clingy type with fear of abandonment. He's self employed, so there's no going to work for 8 hours, he's always available. I think it was the expectation that his stbx was only dropping off a box and then he disappeared for 3.5 hours, how was I to know he fell asleep? I didn't freak out. It sounds like your r/s with your romantic partner is healthy. Was is it  always healthy?

[Notwendy]

I think we define whether or not a relationship is healthy for us- two people who are happy with each other may be unhappy with someone else. Those of us who are here are likely struggling with an aspect of their relationship that isn't healthy for them.

I understand that if over 3.5 hours is unusual, then that is concerning because it is not the expected behavior. However, the interval itself- 3.5 hours may not be a problem when that is a typical time to not be in contact.

People have different boundaries. In my case, it was my H who wanted emotional distance more than I did. It was my task to not take this personally. Being co-dependent, I did take it personally and it made me unhappy. Once I realized that this was not about me, but who he is, I was able to not be upset about it. Would I have liked more contact? Yes, of course, but I had to accept that this is who he is, and his emotional needs are different than mine. I would say that my relationship was not emotionally healthy before I did a lot of personal work on co-dependency. I also think everyone, including me, is a work in progress- we take this one step at a time, and sometimes it isn't a straight line.

I think an issue that many of us may have in common is making meaning out of something that really isn't about us sometimes.

[unicorn2014]

Notwendy, that is interesting, my SO definitely wants more contact then me and I respond to him because I do seem to benefit from the contact as well . He is the one who initiates most of the contact, and I reciprocate. We are in a LDR and I find that really frustrating, today I would not choose a LDR, however my SO and I have something  in common that I was not able to find locally.

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I think at this point in my r/s I feel some guilt, which is an odd emotion, for being in a LDR. I have my life in my community, and then I have my life with my SO which takes place on the phone and on FT.

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To make things more complicated all the time we've spent together in person is when my SO has to come to stay with me in my apartment. I certainly do not want to go back to that way of doing things, that does not feel normal to me at all.

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My SO is very unhappy where he is and its hard for me to hear that. To me, making your location your problem goes against what I believe as an emotionally sober person. However I do know I was very unhappy in my previous living situation so I do understand.