Starting the road to healing wounds without therapy

[Hopeful83]

Hey all,

Brief summary: broke up with my ex (who displayed BPD traits) six months back. Breakup was horrendous, unexpected, a big mess, as they usually are. Post-breakup I've been doing a lot of self-care work, and a lot of self-reflection. Realised I must have some issues with self love if I stayed with someone who demonstrated abusive behaviour and rages for two of the three years we were together. Sure, there were plenty of positives in the relationship, but when you stay with someone who's slapped you or who has tied a belt around their neck while you've had to pull it off them you have to turn inward to see why you stayed as long as you did (especially when the person has done little to try and fix themselves).

I'm trying to find a job so that I can get my own place again and get my life back together. My ex and I were planning a whole future together in my home country, which is why I'm currently without my own place and job etc - I was waiting for him to come and meet me so we could start all of this and then we broke up.

As soon as I get a job I want to start therapy so that I can deal with these issues of mine once and for all. I'm 32. I want a family. I want to meet someone stable and have a healthy relationship. But in order to find all this I need to be healthy myself first.

Post-breakup I realised that my relationship with my mum while I was growing up was damaging. She would rage at me one minute, tell me she loved me the next. She attempted suicide. She used to lean on me for emotional support. I love my mum to bits, but our relationship during my childhood/teens was damaging. I've only just realised now just how damaging, though - maybe I was avoiding facing up to the pain for all these years?

Anyway I guess my question is, is there any kind of healing work I can do before I start therapy? I have a lot of spare time on my hands and if there's any kind of exercises I could perhaps try I'd love to give them a whirl.

[Reforming]

Hi Hopeful,

Kudos for the work you've been doing on yourself. It's takes courage and humility to look at ourselves and face up to our strengths and weaknesses and I think it's really wise to try and heal properly before you begin another relationship

I haven't read all your posts, but it sounds like you've gone through some very difficult times, both in your relationship and your childhood and that you've reached some pretty worthwhile insights.

There's a wealth of interesting and worthwhile literature on therapy that's worth exploring.

I've tried various therapies and I've read a lot of different literature about them. CBT can be a very helpful tool for helping to manage negative or destructive thoughts patterns.

I found the 3 minute therapy by Michael Edelstein very helpful in the aftermath of my breakup. He writes about a type of CBT called REBT. www.amazon.com/Three-Minute-Therapy-Change-Thinking/dp/0944435424

I think Schema therapy can be very effective for giving you the tools to heal longterm issued rooted in childhood trauma. Jeffrey Young's book Reinventing Your Life is a really worthwhile read with lots of powerful insights and tools to overcome negative behaviour and thought patterns.  www.amazon.com/Reinventing-Your-Life-Breakthrough-Negative/dp/0452272041

There are lots more out there, but I think those two would be my first picks. It's also worth checking out the reading list on the website. It's includes a list of recommended books with reviews. https://bpdfamily.com/content/book-reviews

Well done for finding the strength and courage to work on yourself. It's a great investment in yourself and your future

Reforming

[eeks]

Hi Hopeful83,

Reforming has some helpful suggestions.  I can add a few more. 

For relationship recovery/self-awareness/best preparation for a new healthy relationship, and an objective look at the challenges you may face and how to deal with them, I can recommend the book Harville Hendrix' Keeping the Love You Find.  I also found Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller a refreshing yet realistic take on dating and relationships. 

Focusing and Nonviolent Communication (numerous books and websites on both, just google them) are two good resources that can be practised on oneself (or with others) for emotional self-awareness.  You could also look up David Berceli's Trauma Release Process which is a physical way of releasing trauma, if you feel that applies to you. 

I'm trying to keep the suggestions to things you can do that will help you, but not stir up difficult emotions that may be overwhelming and difficult to manage without the in-person support of a therapist.  You can always post here if you feel overwhelmed, of course, and we'll do the best we can from a distance, but taking your self-exploration at a manageable pace and intensity may prove to be important, especially since you say you realize your mother was not healthy (and any emotions you have around that, of course, have been with you since childhood). 

Do you have an exercise routine?  Pick something fun, not that you're doing out of obligation.  For me, that's dance.  I go to conscious dance parties/movement meditation, but if this interests you, there are also plenty of free "5 Rhythms" playlists on Mixcloud.  I haven't looked into it but I imagine there are many fitness related podcasts available for free or low cost.

Yoga?  If it's of interest to you, doyogawithme.com has video classes that can be downloaded for a fee but (last I checked) were free to view/listen to online.  Or, "community" classes for a reduced price at a studio.  Some studios have "energy exchange" where you can clean the studio for a couple hrs/week in exchange for free classes.  (I don't know what's available to you where you live, but I include this for thoroughness)

Also, when I was reading your other thread, I noticed you mentioned something about not being able to see friends because you don't want to use up your savings.  Is that because you'd have to travel to see them?  It sounded like social connections are important to you, and could be nourishing, so I was wondering.

[Hopeful83]

Hi Hopeful,

Kudos for the work you've been doing on yourself. It's takes courage and humility to look at ourselves and face up to our strengths and weaknesses and I think it's really wise to try and heal properly before you begin another relationship

I haven't read all your posts, but it sounds like you've gone through some very difficult times, both in your relationship and your childhood and that you've reached some pretty worthwhile insights.

There's a wealth of interesting and worthwhile literature on therapy that's worth exploring.

I've tried various therapies and I've read a lot of different literature about them. CBT can be a very helpful tool for helping to manage negative or destructive thoughts patterns.

I found the 3 minute therapy by Michael Edelstein very helpful in the aftermath of my breakup. He writes about a type of CBT called REBT. www.amazon.com/Three-Minute-Therapy-Change-Thinking/dp/0944435424

I think Schema therapy can be very effective for giving you the tools to heal longterm issued rooted in childhood trauma. Jeffrey Young's book Reinventing Your Life is a really worthwhile read with lots of powerful insights and tools to overcome negative behaviour and thought patterns.  www.amazon.com/Reinventing-Your-Life-Breakthrough-Negative/dp/0452272041

There are lots more out there, but I think those two would be my first picks. It's also worth checking out the reading list on the website. It's includes a list of recommended books with reviews. https://bpdfamily.com/content/book-reviews

Well done for finding the strength and courage to work on yourself. It's a great investment in yourself and your future

Reforming

Reforming,

I just wanted to thank you for your suggestions. I'll load these books onto my Kindle.

I really want to use this as opportunity for personal growth. It's shaken me to my core and I realise that if I want a family some day I really need to address all of this now.

Hopeful

[Hopeful83]

Hi Hopeful83,

Reforming has some helpful suggestions.  I can add a few more. 

For relationship recovery/self-awareness/best preparation for a new healthy relationship, and an objective look at the challenges you may face and how to deal with them, I can recommend the book Harville Hendrix' Keeping the Love You Find.  I also found Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller a refreshing yet realistic take on dating and relationships. 

Focusing and Nonviolent Communication (numerous books and websites on both, just google them) are two good resources that can be practised on oneself (or with others) for emotional self-awareness.  You could also look up David Berceli's Trauma Release Process which is a physical way of releasing trauma, if you feel that applies to you. 

I'm trying to keep the suggestions to things you can do that will help you, but not stir up difficult emotions that may be overwhelming and difficult to manage without the in-person support of a therapist.  You can always post here if you feel overwhelmed, of course, and we'll do the best we can from a distance, but taking your self-exploration at a manageable pace and intensity may prove to be important, especially since you say you realize your mother was not healthy (and any emotions you have around that, of course, have been with you since childhood). 

Do you have an exercise routine?  Pick something fun, not that you're doing out of obligation.  For me, that's dance.  I go to conscious dance parties/movement meditation, but if this interests you, there are also plenty of free "5 Rhythms" playlists on Mixcloud.  I haven't looked into it but I imagine there are many fitness related podcasts available for free or low cost.

Yoga?  If it's of interest to you, doyogawithme.com has video classes that can be downloaded for a fee but (last I checked) were free to view/listen to online.  Or, "community" classes for a reduced price at a studio.  Some studios have "energy exchange" where you can clean the studio for a couple hrs/week in exchange for free classes.  (I don't know what's available to you where you live, but I include this for thoroughness)

Also, when I was reading your other thread, I noticed you mentioned something about not being able to see friends because you don't want to use up your savings.  Is that because you'd have to travel to see them?  It sounded like social connections are important to you, and could be nourishing, so I was wondering.

Hello eeks,

Thank you for all your suggestions. I'll look into the books.

My exercise of choice before the breakup was yoga and it has always been my go-to method of both staying healthy and relaxation. Unfortunately I'm finding it difficult to face my mat. Sounds silly but, my ex always used to pick me up from yoga class, and just before we broke up he came with me to his first ever class, so I've come to associate the practice with him. I know I need to face up to this, as yoga was my 'thing' way before I met him, but I'm finding it difficult to do.

Yes, seeing friends is a bit difficult, but not impossible I guess. I am going away on a trip in a week with a good friend of mine, so I'm very much looking forward to that. I know I've somehow wrapped myself in a little bubble here at home and become comfortable staying in, reading and writing, but you're right - social connections are important to me, and it's something I need to work on again before I become a total hermit.

This whole process has been so difficult. I'm six months out and I'm still having bad days (like today) when everything feels so overwhelming and scary.

Hopeful

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Hi Hopeful,

Love your name as you sound very hopeful and WILLING! !  Congrats on both.  Great suggestions from Reforming and eeks.  When I was in the midst of the worst of my r/s and b/u, I used lots of different tools to help.  There are awesome YouTube videos that will lead you thru the techniques. 

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.  "EMDR is a fairly new, nontraditional type of psychotherapy. It's growing in popularity, particularly for treating post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). PTSD often occurs after experiences such as military combat, physical assault, rape, or car accidents. (WebMD)."  You can find on YouTube.  I particularly like Rob Gorick's videos (https://www.google.com/search?ie=UTF-8&client=ms-android-verizon&source=android-browser&q=rob+goeick+EMDR).

Rob Gorick's also does hypnosis and EFT (emotional freedom technique, www.emofree.com/eft-tutorial/tapping-basics/how-to-do-eft.html) videos.  EFT is great, quick, easy and FREE and you can do it yourself anywhere and anytime once you learn the technique.  There are lots of EFT practitioners on YouTube.  I also like Brad Yates. 

Mood Gym (https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome) is a free online CBT program.  I have only delved into it a little bit but it looks pretty thorough and cool.  Wonderful to have resources available 24/7 and for free.

Lastly, I absolutely LOVE Byron Katie's work (Loving What Is is the name of her book) and she also has a FREE volunteer helpline.  I have gotten to do some amazing work with her volunteers.  LISTENING to her book is way better than reading it.  When things were really bad for me I was listening all the time.  Really helped.  Whether you get the book or not, watch Byron Katie demo how to do a Judge Your Neighbor Worksheet (instituteforthework.com/itw/content/how-fill-out-judge-your-neighbor-worksheet).  Then you can Google a PDF version of the worksheet. Print that out, fill it in and then call the volunteer helpline (instituteforthework.com/itw/content/helpline-list) to have someone do the worksheet with you.  It is powerful work!

Best of luck and keep up the amazing work!

PS per eeks suggestion, be mindful of what topics you handle when/how/with whom but great to have lots of tools in our toolbox

[Grey Kitty]

Sounds like you are doing good work and getting good ideas. Taking care of yourself in the simple low level ways (eating well, exercise, good sleep, etc.) really helps. It gives you more room for the big stuff.

I will give you one slightly qualified recommendation that has worked very well for me.

Mindfulness meditation. There are various Western therapies based on it, including DBT drawing from it. I've done more traditional Buddhist meditation. (The traditional word is Vipassana, translated as mindfullness or insight meditation) If you want to do this practice, I highly recommend you look for a group to meditate with on a regular schedule, at least weekly. Doing solitary practice in company with others seems paradoxical, but it really does make a difference.

My one qualification is that I've heard from some people that if you have a very destructive and toxic inner voice, one that screams abuse at you inside your head, as some people who grow up abused do, you may not be able to do this kind of meditation until after you have tamed this voice somewhat. Sitting and listening to it would be excruciating.

I'm blessed not to be one of those people, and it has been very beneficial for me. Especially some of my longer silent retreats.