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1coolgranny
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
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« on: November 27, 2015, 07:32:19 AM »

My daughter has been out of a facility for a month. She was in for 90 days where she was taught DBT skills. She made great improvements. Thanksgiving was too much for her to handle. We had 20 family members and she came down to the celebration 45 minutes late. Then she didn't join us for dinner. She came into the kitchen and started cleaning up and talking erratically and breaking 2 glasses. She was frankly acting drunk. She is an addict so it was obvious she has taken something. I, after awhile, said "why are you so hyper"? That set her off. " "How could I hurt her like that"? She was "only excited about getting back into family things". She then went upstairs "to cry". I don't know how to handle this today. I haven't seen her this morning and don't what to say. Should we not bring it up? What if she does? What do we say? She is 38 and has lived with us for 1 1/2 years. She has a two year old. We don't have skills to deal with her. We need advice asap.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
mimi99
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« Reply #1 on: November 27, 2015, 09:56:46 AM »

I'm so sorry your Thanksgiving didn't go well. Holidays and family gatherings can be difficult for people who have a loved one with BPD.

This year our BPDd24 was not invited to join us for Thanksgiving. She is no longer welcome in our home after her last outburst of screaming "f--- you" to my husband (her step-dad) and throwing and breaking things. It was bittersweet because without her it was peaceful and drama-free, yet I am sad that I can no longer have all my children here for family events.

My daughter is also an addict. She found recovery for a couple of years and was active in a local church. Those were the best times she has had in a very long time. She met a guy in May and started using with him. Soon afterwards she was engaged and also became suicidal. Its a long story, but now we have custody of our gd5 and d hasn't lived with us since May.

In my experience vacations and large family gatherings are too much for her. I have read other threads on here where others say the same thing about their BPDs. In my daughters mind the other siblings are the "favorites" and often they are so fed up with her that they don't respond well to her, increasing her disregulation. 

Since my husband found this site I have been trying to use some of the tools at the right. Validation has worked well for me. I don't agree with most of what she says, but I can say "I see why you might feel that way" (only if it's not a ridiculous statement). I had not yet found this site when she was still living here, unfortunately. I was still in the mindset that I needed to "correct" her very twisted versions of reality, causing much head-butting and arguing. I have come to realize that while her illness is not my fault, I can make things worse with my responses.

Since I have learned that I have been more careful with the way I speak to her.

What facility did your daughter go to? Did insurance pay for it? We have had a great deal of trouble getting my daughter treatment beyond the level of a therapist at the local health department. They are easily fooled by d's outward-appearing stability, and are clearly not experienced in dealing with BPD. Even when she went to a large state mental hospital she was released after only 5 days because she played the game and convinced them she was stable.

I don't know how to handle this today. I haven't seen her this morning and don't what to say. Should we not bring it up? What if she does? What do we say?

In my experience with my d these outbursts are quickly forgotten on her part. She leaves wreckage in her wake and moves on as if nothing has happened. BPD emotions are so intense that they flare instantly, but just as quickly are over. She may not even be aware of how upsetting things were for you yesterday. I would suggest looking to the right at the tools. There are some great communication ideas there that really work. I am new enough that I cant specifically name one that you should look at, but I know there are others here that can. Just take a look and keep asking for support and feedback. You will get the help you need.

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pessim-optimist
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« Reply #2 on: November 27, 2015, 03:26:02 PM »

Welcome to the Parenting board, 1coolgranny! 

Hoping your and your daughter's day is going ok so far... .

It's good to hear that your daughter was in a DBT program - has she been continuing in therapy since her discharge?

Recovery from BPD is a long and bumpy road with many episodes along the way. Please don't beat yourself up about yesterday, dealing with a loved one w/BPD is not easy and learning the proper skills and communication techniques takes time (and even at that, we only control 50% of the relationship - the other 50% belongs to the person w/BPD) 

mimi99 has some really good points, and if you feel up to it, a good article on Validation can be found here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation

I haven't seen her this morning and don't what to say. Should we not bring it up? What if she does? What do we say? She is 38 and has lived with us for 1 1/2 years. She has a two year old. We don't have skills to deal with her.

It's understandable that you feel apprehensive about what to say and how to handle the time 'afterwards'... .Perhaps starting "fresh" might work for you in this situation - being friendly and open and seeing if your daughter's mood has shifted since yesterday. If so, you can just go with the flow... .

If she brings it up, the best approach is to really listen for her feelings she is trying to relate: for example, she might remember things differently than you, or say that you said something that you didn't really say. You can leave that aside and instead try to empathize with how it all made her feel. If you aren't sure, you can ask her questions. She may have felt attacked, she may have felt criticized, she simply may have felt rejected, or not good enough, or a host of other things which brought on painful and overwhelming emotions - if you validate her feelings - she will feel heard and understood, and will be better able to move on.

Validation is only one of all the tools we can use, but it is one of the most essential ones and if you had to pick just one tool, this one would be the one to start with... .Does that make sense?
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seekinglight
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« Reply #3 on: November 27, 2015, 09:31:22 PM »

My concern would be focused on the addict and acting in such a way that you think she used.

A month out of treatment, where I am assuming she was clean and back using is trouble. Unfortunately you will not get anywhere until she is willing to stay straight, and that decision is totally on her.

Do you have any agreed upon rules of not using in your home? A realistic boundary would be to live at home no illegal substances

It is so heartbreaking, keep coming here for support.

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