I didn't pick it up

[unicorn2014]

Tonight I was out on a walk while I was waiting for my laundry to dry and I was talking to my SO on the phone. I was telling him how I felt disappointed my mother didn't call me to see how I was doing since I missed thanksgiving due to my daughter not feeling well. My SO referred to himself as her son in law while saying he would call her next week. I did not respond to this as I found it offensive. (He is still living in another state and still not divorced) he noticed my silence and commented on it and I didn't respond. It's still bothering me so I brought it here and I am glad I didn't argue with him when he said it.

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There's one other thing he said to me tonight on FaceTime that offended me. I was commenting on his pallor as he has the flu and also on the fact he seemed distracted and he suggested I sit on his lap. That one I wasn't able to ignore and I told him that was a fantasy. He made some snarky comment about fantasy island that I didn't pick up.

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Right now I'm not happy about being in a LDR with no end in sight. I'm also tired of hearing about my SO being unhappy where he's at because he wants to be with me. He said if he didn't want to be with me then he wouldn't be unhappy where he's at and I think he's lying because he had all kinds of escape plans before he met me.

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So, do I need to tell him that it makes me uncomfortable to refer to himself as my mother's son in law. The ironic thing is my ex still refers to my mother as his mil and my so knows this. I think he thinks he's helping me by doing this because he knows it irritates me when my ex does this. To further complicate things my brother is in a common law r/s so I think he thinks  this makes it ok to refer to himself as her sil.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

I don't think calling yourself an inlaw prior to marriage is very appropriate, but it isn't my opinion that matters.

If hearing things like this from him bothers you, they are your feelings. Ask him to stop until you are married to him.

Don't get into a JADEing fight about why; state your opinion (word doesn't apply), or feeling (confused/hurt/upset when he says this), and ask him to call your mother <alternative name> instead.

And after a very brief statement like that, refuse to discuss the matter anymore.

... .I can't think of any better options. Stuffing your own feelings about this isn't better. Nor is letting it become WW3.

***HOWEVER*** this is kinda the same issue as to whether he is still called your fiance or not, and if i recall correctly, you have chosen not to have that conflict with him. Technically fiance is a committed intention, and mother-in-law is an actual present condition, but that is a kinda fine distinction. Perhaps your feelings on these two issues are different... .perhaps they are the same. If your feelings are the same, I think similar approaches toward his desire to speak of you that way are in order.

[unicorn2014]

I don't think calling yourself an inlaw prior to marriage is very appropriate, but it isn't my opinion that matters.

If hearing things like this from him bothers you, they are your feelings. Ask him to stop until you are married to him.

Don't get into a JADEing fight about why; state your opinion (word doesn't apply), or feeling (confused/hurt/upset when he says this), and ask him to call your mother <alternative name> instead.

And after a very brief statement like that, refuse to discuss the matter anymore.

... .I can't think of any better options. Stuffing your own feelings about this isn't better. Nor is letting it become WW3.

***HOWEVER*** this is kinda the same issue as to whether he is still called your fiance or not, and if i recall correctly, you have chosen not to have that conflict with him. Technically fiance is a committed intention, and mother-in-law is an actual present condition, but that is a kinda fine distinction. Perhaps your feelings on these two issues are different... .perhaps they are the same. If your feelings are the same, I think similar approaches toward his desire to speak of you that way are in order.

I am not referring to him as my fiancé anymore, in fact I referred to him as my boyfriend on facetime the other day. I think if he calls my mom his mother in law again I will follow your advice and say you're not her son in law at this point, your her daughter's partner, and leave it at that. Then if he tries to push the point I will say I don't want to talk about this.

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On the plus side one thing I can say I appreciate about my partner is he doesn't blatantly hit on me like other men do and I appreciate that.

[unicorn2014]

I should add there were a couple of other sticky widgets last night, another one being the subject of when we're going to see each other again. I'm pretty fed up with being in a  LDR at this point, but the reasons for me choosing him still remain, such as the fact he's not coarse or crude (unless he's dyregulated and verbally abusive, and that hasn't happened in a  while). However I am not comfortable talking about planning trips until he chooses a new divorce lawyer and files and I was able to stand my ground, albeit shakily on this issue last night.

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I am having to process some negative feelings about him selling his 4BDR house before I even got a chance to see it. Now he's living in a basement of a warehouse. I would have liked to have least been able to see his house before he sold it.

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When he gets going on an idea, such as planning a trip, its really hard to stop him, so I"m trying to cut these things off at the pass these days.

[Grey Kitty]

I am having to process some negative feelings about him selling his 4BDR house before I even got a chance to see it. Now he's living in a basement of a warehouse. I would have liked to have least been able to see his house before he sold it.

You do have feelings to process about the house sale; don't pretend you don't have them. Feelings are real, no matter what sort of source they have. In this case, I don't see how you have any actual right to be involved in his decision to sell the house. One of the tough things in life is knowing something like that isn't your choice... .

When he gets going on an idea, such as planning a trip, its really hard to stop him, so I"m trying to cut these things off at the pass these days.

If those plans involve railroading you into something (like a suddenly planned visit to see you!), that sounds excellent. For plans that don't really involve you, work on letting go and letting him make his own decisions--good, bad, impulsive, or carefully thought out. (Unless there are obviously horrible consequences you need to warn him about!)

However I am not comfortable talking about planning trips until he chooses a new divorce lawyer and files and I was able to stand my ground, albeit shakily on this issue last night.

I know you've been upset about this, had prior conflicts over this, and are doing your best with it. I'm also concerned about how you are going about it, wonder how clear you really are about it. (I'm sure he's going to stir the pot up as much as he can!) Can you speak in more detail about what your limits, regarding this are, and how you plan to enforce your boundaries, etc?

[unicorn2014]

I am having to process some negative feelings about him selling his 4BDR house before I even got a chance to see it. Now he's living in a basement of a warehouse. I would have liked to have least been able to see his house before he sold it.

You do have feelings to process about the house sale; don't pretend you don't have them. Feelings are real, no matter what sort of source they have. In this case, I don't see how you have any actual right to be involved in his decision to sell the house. One of the tough things in life is knowing something like that isn't your choice... .

Yes something like this wasn't my choice , I understand that. He already made that decision anyways.

When he gets going on an idea, such as planning a trip, its really hard to stop him, so I"m trying to cut these things off at the pass these days.

If those plans involve railroading you into something (like a suddenly planned visit to see you!), that sounds excellent. For plans that don't really involve you, work on letting go and letting him make his own decisions--good, bad, impulsive, or carefully thought out. (Unless there are obviously horrible consequences you need to warn him about!)

He wouldn't do that. I just don't want to listen to him talk about planning a trip until I know he's chosen a divorce lawyer and filed for divorce. He agrees.

However I am not comfortable talking about planning trips until he chooses a new divorce lawyer and files and I was able to stand my ground, albeit shakily on this issue last night.

I know you've been upset about this, had prior conflicts over this, and are doing your best with it. I'm also concerned about how you are going about it, wonder how clear you really are about it. (I'm sure he's going to stir the pot up as much as he can!) Can you speak in more detail about what your limits, regarding this are, and how you plan to enforce your boundaries, etc?

Its simple: I've told him I don't want to talk about planning a trip until he's chosen a divorce lawyer and filed for divorce. Last night was kind of a sticky widget because I think we got too far down the path. I had said that I thought Christmas was too soon, so maybe spring break. My daughter had wanted to go to another county  to see her dad's side of the family for Christmas and I told her I couldn't pay for her to travel. Having a daughter who wants to see her dad's side of the family in another county makes things even more complicated, because while I want to fly out to my partner's state to see his parents, my daughter wants to fly down to another county to see her dad's side of the family. It is very frustrating to say the least.