How do they find someone so easily?

[Confused?]

I looked at her Facebook (save your breath here). It was a picture of her with a new guy taken on thanksgiving. So that makes three guys in a year and a half (2 while she was with me). My ex is a quiet woman with low self esteem and social anxiety. She wasn't one to leave the house unless she was with people that she was very close to. I know people say they use tinder and Facebook and stuff to find people. I just find tinder plain gross considering you base the first part off looks alone. And Facebook to me doesn't seem like a good place to meet people without coming off looking like a creep. The fact that she could so easily find someone bothers me as I sit here over a year out without even attempting to find someone. I guess the holiday loneliness is getting to me.

[reachingoutuk]

I looked at her Facebook (save your breath here). It was a picture of her with a new guy taken on thanksgiving. So that makes three guys in a year and a half (2 while she was with me). My ex is a quiet woman with low self esteem and social anxiety. She wasn't one to leave the house unless she was with people that she was very close to. I know people say they use tinder and Facebook and stuff to find people. I just find tinder plain gross considering you base the first part off looks alone. And Facebook to me doesn't seem like a good place to meet people without coming off looking like a creep. The fact that she could so easily find someone bothers me as I sit here over a year out without even attempting to find someone. I guess the holiday loneliness is getting to me.

My ex doesn't really have any true, close, female friends, instead she had this little fan club of boys who love to comment & complement her on Facebook at every opportunity which helps her ego. She had had sex with them all at one point or another & it was indeed one of these that became my replacement.

[fromheeltoheal]

Borderlines find partners quickly because they have to, it's mandatory.  A borderline is focused on attachments, a fusing of psyches to form a perfect union and 'complete' themselves, since someone with the disorder never successfully detached from their mother to create a 'self' of their own, an autonomous individual, and they can feel like they literally don't exist without an attachment.  So the attachment is the mandatory goal, doesn't matter to whom as long as they're susceptible, and then the ever-present fear of abandonment shows up, borderlines are convinced everyone will leave, so use the attachment tools as long as they work, and when they stop working, find another attachment, repeat the cycle.  We all get good at anything we prioritize and consider mandatory, it just takes practice and persistence.

So what's mandatory for you Confused?

[Itstopsnow]

My ex was like yours. Socially awkward, I thought he had asperbergers. He never really drank ever! (Thank God I guess) but he gambled a lot! He had no friends . Only friends from the past when he was a priest. He was in his earlier 30's. And seemed shy and innocent from not having dated, so I thought. when they move on fast that usually means they are dating someone behind your back. My ex would cry and beg me to stay after he would devalue me and I was ready to leave like 8 times. The last time we fought and broke up for good, when he spit in my face, he had been dating a girl for 3 months behind my back and I didn't find out till 2 weeks ago. Because I stupidly let him back in my life, after all the verbally abuse and spitting even. Don't let their innocent side fool you, they are manipulators . They'd do that to make you feel safe with them why they act out their impulsive behaviors behind your back. They always have back ups. Remember this is a mental illness not logically sound people with integrity

[Confused?]

Borderlines find partners quickly because they have to, it's mandatory.  A borderline is focused on attachments, a fusing of psyches to form a perfect union and 'complete' themselves, since someone with the disorder never successfully detached from their mother to create a 'self' of their own, an autonomous individual, and they can feel like they literally don't exist without an attachment.  So the attachment is the mandatory goal, doesn't matter to whom as long as they're susceptible, and then the ever-present fear of abandonment shows up, borderlines are convinced everyone will leave, so use the attachment tools as long as they work, and when they stop working, find another attachment, repeat the cycle.  We all get good at anything we prioritize and consider mandatory, it just takes practice and persistence.

So what's mandatory for you Confused?

Here in lies the problem I face. All relationships have their ups and downs. The fact that they have to be with someone is something I understand. But to have someone and seek another is something I don't get. I understand triggering them and certain failures of the relationship but for someone as quiet and shelled as my ex was, to seek a replacement seems like a lot of work to do. My replacements she found were literally the first two guys she saw. One was at her apartment complex while walking and the other was a friend of someone she worked with whom she met at a party. This new guy I do not know and nor do I care. I understand why BPD are drawn to cheat. I understand the impulses. But I literally can not believe how easy it is for them to start a new relationship so quickly and effortlessly.

[SandWitch]

Borderlines find partners quickly because they have to, it's mandatory.  A borderline is focused on attachments, a fusing of psyches to form a perfect union and 'complete' themselves, since someone with the disorder never successfully detached from their mother to create a 'self' of their own, an autonomous individual, and they can feel like they literally don't exist without an attachment.  So the attachment is the mandatory goal, doesn't matter to whom as long as they're susceptible, and then the ever-present fear of abandonment shows up, borderlines are convinced everyone will leave, so use the attachment tools as long as they work, and when they stop working, find another attachment, repeat the cycle.  We all get good at anything we prioritize and consider mandatory, it just takes practice and persistence.

Wow!  Thank you!  Do you think that it is possible that the BPD's partner is easily replaced because they are not seen or valued as an individual? I noticed that the women the exBPDbf targeted where described as "nice" in a child-like voice. I came to think of this as meaning "easily manipulated".  When I attempted to set a boundary I was told that I "pretended to be nice" but I was not.

[guy4caligirl]

Borderlines find partners quickly because they have to, it's mandatory.  A borderline is focused on attachments, a fusing of psyches to form a perfect union and 'complete' themselves, since someone with the disorder never successfully detached from their mother to create a 'self' of their own, an autonomous individual, and they can feel like they literally don't exist without an attachment.  So the attachment is the mandatory goal, doesn't matter to whom as long as they're susceptible, and then the ever-present fear of abandonment shows up, borderlines are convinced everyone will leave, so use the attachment tools as long as they work, and when they stop working, find another attachment, repeat the cycle.  We all get good at anything we prioritize and consider mandatory, it just takes practice and persistence.

So what's mandatory for you Confused?

Here in lies the problem I face. All relationships have their ups and downs. The fact that they have to be with someone is something I understand. But to have someone and seek another is something I don't get. I understand triggering them and certain failures of the relationship but for someone as quiet and shelled as my ex was, to seek a replacement seems like a lot of work to do. My replacements she found were literally the first two guys she saw. One was at her apartment complex while walking and the other was a friend of someone she worked with whom she met at a party. This new guy I do not know and nor do I care. I understand why BPD are drawn to cheat. I understand the impulses. But I literally can not believe how easy it is for them to start a new relationship so quickly and effortlessly.

Confused ?

Your story rang a bell , my EXBPD  met this guy she's engaged to now , at her gay friend's apartment two days after she left  to the where she lived and moved in with him ,she moved in with me 6 years ago for 5 years , the first time  I met her before she got divorced she came to visit me with tons of suitcases I had to rent a U hall  and moved in she fell in love with me on the phone .

[shatra]

confused wrote--

I understand why BPD are drawn to cheat. I understand the impulses. But I literally can not believe how easy it is for them to start a new relationship so quickly and effortlessly.

---Can you share why they are drawn to cheat?

----I understand the impulses; part of the disorder

----They might start the new one so quickly out of fear of being alone

[Confused?]

confused wrote--

I understand why BPD are drawn to cheat. I understand the impulses. But I literally can not believe how easy it is for them to start a new relationship so quickly and effortlessly.

---Can you share why they are drawn to cheat?

----I understand the impulses; part of the disorder

----They might start the new one so quickly out of fear of being alone

Cheating is part of the impulses. They have no sense of self and are in constant pain. Cheating could also take form in substance abuse or self harm. It's their way of releasing pain. Problem is it's only temporary and usually makes them feel lower than before.

[fromheeltoheal]

Borderlines find partners quickly because they have to, it's mandatory.  A borderline is focused on attachments, a fusing of psyches to form a perfect union and 'complete' themselves, since someone with the disorder never successfully detached from their mother to create a 'self' of their own, an autonomous individual, and they can feel like they literally don't exist without an attachment.  So the attachment is the mandatory goal, doesn't matter to whom as long as they're susceptible, and then the ever-present fear of abandonment shows up, borderlines are convinced everyone will leave, so use the attachment tools as long as they work, and when they stop working, find another attachment, repeat the cycle.  We all get good at anything we prioritize and consider mandatory, it just takes practice and persistence.

So what's mandatory for you Confused?

Here in lies the problem I face. All relationships have their ups and downs. The fact that they have to be with someone is something I understand. But to have someone and seek another is something I don't get. I understand triggering them and certain failures of the relationship but for someone as quiet and shelled as my ex was, to seek a replacement seems like a lot of work to do. My replacements she found were literally the first two guys she saw. One was at her apartment complex while walking and the other was a friend of someone she worked with whom she met at a party. This new guy I do not know and nor do I care. I understand why BPD are drawn to cheat. I understand the impulses. But I literally can not believe how easy it is for them to start a new relationship so quickly and effortlessly.

Think attachments and abandonment with borderlines; if a borderline thinks they are about to or already have been abandoned while still in the relationship they will seek new attachments, since being alone is not an option.  And remember the real relationship is being compared to an ideal one in a borderline's head, a fantasy, so it doesn't take much to have a borderline conclude that they are about to be abandoned, especially since they assume everyone will to begin with.

So you didn't answer my question Confused: what's mandatory for you?

[Confused?]

Borderlines find partners quickly because they have to, it's mandatory.  A borderline is focused on attachments, a fusing of psyches to form a perfect union and 'complete' themselves, since someone with the disorder never successfully detached from their mother to create a 'self' of their own, an autonomous individual, and they can feel like they literally don't exist without an attachment.  So the attachment is the mandatory goal, doesn't matter to whom as long as they're susceptible, and then the ever-present fear of abandonment shows up, borderlines are convinced everyone will leave, so use the attachment tools as long as they work, and when they stop working, find another attachment, repeat the cycle.  We all get good at anything we prioritize and consider mandatory, it just takes practice and persistence.

So what's mandatory for you Confused?

Here in lies the problem I face. All relationships have their ups and downs. The fact that they have to be with someone is something I understand. But to have someone and seek another is something I don't get. I understand triggering them and certain failures of the relationship but for someone as quiet and shelled as my ex was, to seek a replacement seems like a lot of work to do. My replacements she found were literally the first two guys she saw. One was at her apartment complex while walking and the other was a friend of someone she worked with whom she met at a party. This new guy I do not know and nor do I care. I understand why BPD are drawn to cheat. I understand the impulses. But I literally can not believe how easy it is for them to start a new relationship so quickly and effortlessly.

Think attachments and abandonment with borderlines; if a borderline thinks they are about to or already have been abandoned while still in the relationship they will seek new attachments, since being alone is not an option.  And remember the real relationship is being compared to an ideal one in a borderline's head, a fantasy, so it doesn't take much to have a borderline conclude that they are about to be abandoned, especially since they assume everyone will to begin with.

So you didn't answer my question Confused: what's mandatory for you?

I didn't answer your question because I'm not sure what you are asking. Are you asking what's mandatory for my life?

[Beach_Babe]

I can relate.  My ex would "befriend" (aka sleep with) ANYONE who paid him attention.  

[fromheeltoheal]

So you didn't answer my question Confused: what's mandatory for you?

I didn't answer your question because I'm not sure what you are asking. Are you asking what's mandatory for my life?

Yes, as the beginning of shifting your focus from your ex to you and your bright future.  You can also start focusing on your values and beliefs; as you start to do that you may notice that you acted contrary to your values and your boundaries were violated in the relationship, which is good and will help you detach, but it's just as important to focus on where you're going in addition to where you've been, so you can set about creating a compelling future of your own design, and when you do that your ex will just fade into the past.

[Confused?]

So you didn't answer my question Confused: what's mandatory for you?

I didn't answer your question because I'm not sure what you are asking. Are you asking what's mandatory for my life?

Yes, as the beginning of shifting your focus from your ex to you and your bright future.  You can also start focusing on your values and beliefs; as you start to do that you may notice that you acted contrary to your values and your boundaries were violated in the relationship, which is good and will help you detach, but it's just as important to focus on where you're going in addition to where you've been, so you can set about creating a compelling future of your own design, and when you do that your ex will just fade into the past.

My focus may seem like it is on my ex but it really isn't. I am still in contact with her from now and then and it doesn't seem to bother me. I have forgave her numerous times. I understand she is ill and needs people in her life. I have been focused on myself for quite awhile now as I have been off these boards. I have been improving my life one step at a time by working out, eating healthy and regaining my hobbies. I have a three year plan for improving my life drastically with where I need to be. I have confidence issues and for someone with those issues it seems hard to meet someone to share a life with. My ex was my first girlfriend and I was in my mid 20s. Now late 20s and I guess I feel at this point that I would have met someone who I can spend my life with. I know it's not a race but it just seems so easy from my own story and the stories on here for our exes to meet people without even trying. I have had some issues with myself that I understand and am working on. I just haven't had any luck with women and I do not know why. Part of me wants to just stop being a nice guy because it seems the only women I attract walk all over me.

So I guess what I want is to find someone to share all my hard work with. Who appreciates me for who I am and respects what I have done. I wouldn't consider it mandatory because I have been single almost all my life. But it definately is a goal of mine.

[C.Stein]

I can relate.  My ex would "befriend" (aka sleep with) ANYONE who paid him attention.  

Yes ... .isn't that the crux of it?  Anyone who validates and/or makes them feel good about themselves becomes an immediate potential new partner while the current one gets left behind, devalued and eventually discarded.

[fromheeltoheal]

My focus may seem like it is on my ex but it really isn't. I am still in contact with her from now and then and it doesn't seem to bother me. I have forgave her numerous times. I understand she is ill and needs people in her life. I have been focused on myself for quite awhile now as I have been off these boards. I have been improving my life one step at a time by working out, eating healthy and regaining my hobbies. I have a three year plan for improving my life drastically with where I need to be. I have confidence issues and for someone with those issues it seems hard to meet someone to share a life with. My ex was my first girlfriend and I was in my mid 20s. Now late 20s and I guess I feel at this point that I would have met someone who I can spend my life with. I know it's not a race but it just seems so easy from my own story and the stories on here for our exes to meet people without even trying. I have had some issues with myself that I understand and am working on. I just haven't had any luck with women and I do not know why. Part of me wants to just stop being a nice guy because it seems the only women I attract walk all over me.

So I guess what I want is to find someone to share all my hard work with. Who appreciates me for who I am and respects what I have done. I wouldn't consider it mandatory because I have been single almost all my life. But it definately is a goal of mine.

Oh, OK, you're on the Leaving board so I thought she was still your primary focus.  It's great to have a plan and you're filling your life up with healthy stuff, and good for you!

I have had some issues with myself that I understand and am working on. I just haven't had any luck with women and I do not know why. Part of me wants to just stop being a nice guy because it seems the only women I attract walk all over me.

So stop letting them.  Women test men to see how strong they are, and if you cave in and play nice guy you're setting yourself up to be walked on.  Being nice is great, but continuing to be nice when boundaries are violated is not good, and if she sees it's easy to do that she will lose respect for you, and attraction, unless she has a personality disorder, in which case you may be an opportunity.  Best to focus on what you will and won't accept, hold other people, men and women, to those standards, and remove the ones who won't respect those boundaries from your life.

You don't need luck with women either, you just need to meet a lot of them.  You can tell by the look in a woman's eyes if she's attracted to you or not, and if she is, ask her out, and she's interviewing for the job of being your girlfriend just as much as you are to be her boyfriend, so make sure you see in her what you want to see.  It's easy for someone if their late twenties and having had one girlfriend to consider women, or the right woman, scarce, but they're not, women are everywhere, you probably noticed, and you can go a long way with your confidence by meeting as many as possible, and focusing on the moment, not is this woman the future mother of my children and the one I will die at a ripe old age with, but is this woman someone I want to spend the next half hour with?  If it's right you'll know it, especially after you've discovered what you don't want from your ex.