Day 3 NC and my ex is reaching out

[luckycharm224]

My ex and I were together 4 years, we have a child together, he's 22 months and since his birth we haven't been together officially, but would still go on trips, hang out, like I've started on other posts. Ive begged, pleaded, and lost all pride and respect while doing it. Just recently my mom came to visit for the holidays and I have decided to go NC and she would be the middle man for exchanges, we share 50/50. Wednesday night I went NC and emailed get saying that we need to , (i need to) do this for myself. Well I blocked her cell and kept email contact open for emergencies, but yesterday she tried to FaceTime me thru her son's  phone and I didn't answer, and this morning I just had a private number call and it was my son saying " hi daddy" ... .She knows this gets me, she knows in the past when she has done this I break and get soft. I feel so guilty right now for not answering. I get my little man back on Monday and I'm trying to stay strong but this is so hard. Did I do the right thing ?

[SandWitch]

 

Ouch.  There is no "right" thing?  Only what you need to do to heal.  It may change as time goes by. 

What healing or tool building behavior are you hoping to accomplish with NC? 

How does this phone call compromise your goal? 

Trust that you know and then try it out.  Just a thought.

[Eyeamme]

You soo did the right thing. Maybe your mom could call your son.

[Mutt]

Maybe your mom could call your son.

Adding a third person is a triangle  

Luckycharm224,

Do you have a neutral place for exchanges? Does your child go to daycare?

I completely understand how difficult co-parenting with an ex partner is when they suffer from mental illness. It can be very tricky when we are emotionally wounded but there are things that we can do to give us space to heal and to get things on the right track.

but would still go on trips, hang out

Was she asking you to go on trips and to hang out? I don't advise no contact with when you are co-parenting but I do advise minimal contact, at least until the bleeding stops. You have 50/50, are you involved with the decision making for childcare, medical, etc...

[luckycharm224]

I know my son is too young to ask his mom to talk to be and that's why I think she feels that I'm pulling away so she's using him as a tool to keep contact. When I would call her, text, her, beg her, she would tell me, build a bridge and get over it, leave her alone, amongst other things and now that I am, she's calling. Just in these few days I actually feel stronger, like me not the dilusional self I was.

[luckycharm224]

Maybe your mom could call your son.

Adding a third person is a triangle  

Luckycharm224,

Do you have a neutral place for exchanges? Does your child go to daycare?

I completely understand how difficult co-parenting with an ex partner is when they suffer from mental illness. It can be very tricky when we are emotionally wounded but there are things that we can do to give us space to heal and to get things on the right track.

but would still go on trips, hang out

Was she asking you to go on trips and to hang out? I don't advise no contact with when you are co-parenting but I do advise minimal contact, at least until the bleeding stops. You have 50/50, are you involved with the decision making for childcare, medical, etc...

She will not allow him in daycare yet. I'm in construction and on my days she watches him and she works at a local restaurant on Mon- Wed night's so I watch him on her Wednesday. Usually I would pick him up at her  house or she would drop him off at mine but I would always try and continue the contact. I really need to stop this bleeding  heart so I can be strong enough to be able to have contact without being emotionally invested and her knowing I want her back. She knows I want my family back but after reading everything I can on this board, she only mirrored what I wanted. She can never give me what I thought it was and I have to move forward.

As far as the trips and stay overs, I would always ask. And she would always tell me " you don't see me calling you" ... .And that would kill me knowing is the mother of my son. How could she say that. But now I know why. She has a broken protection mode.

[Eyeamme]

Darn. Triangle. I knew that ! :--)

[luckycharm224]

So if she drops him off with my mom and I stay in NC unless emergencies for the time being, I'm turning this into a triangle ? She did just text my mom and ask her how much was she willing to spend on rent because she knows that my mom wanted to move closer to me... .So why is she reaching  out like this

[Mutt]

She will not allow him in daycare yet. I'm in construction and on my days she watches him and she works at a local restaurant on Mon- Wed night's so I watch him on her Wednesday. Usually I would pick him up at her  house or she would drop him off at mine but I would always try and continue the contact.

Is 50 / 50 a verbal agreement or a court order?

[luckycharm224]

She will not allow him in daycare yet. I'm in construction and on my days she watches him and she works at a local restaurant on Mon- Wed night's so I watch him on her Wednesday. Usually I would pick him up at her  house or she would drop him off at mine but I would always try and continue the contact.

Is 50 / 50 a verbal agreement or a court order?

I had to take her to court, when she had control over when and how long I could see him she wouldn't allow me to take him so I filled and won exactly what I was asking for. So it's court ordered now

[luckycharm224]

And I want to thank everyone on here for advice, support, all your stories have really helped me and answered many questions that my ex didn't have it give answers too. Thank you all so very much

[Mutt]

She did just text my mom and ask her how much was she willing to spend on rent because she knows that my mom wanted to move closer to me... .So why is she reaching  out like this

She has insecure attachment patterns, she's reaching out because she feels anxiety. That's good to hear that you have a court order. I suggest that you set the boundaries on yourself with the switch on / switch off days with your S2 and pick him up at her house and not talk about anything personal and act boring, share less, the goal is to lessen the emotional attachment with your ex. How long can your mom do this for you?

I think that it will help to set the standard now to creating drama triangles that way you are helping yourself with potentially creating less dramatic situations. There is good triangulation, for example I don't pay my ex child support directly, we go through maintenance. If you do go NC and you advise her to not call your phone, be prepared for extinction bursts.

I would advise to let her call you for emergencies only and have her communicate to you through email. It will help you if you need documents for court later because it's in black and white. "He said she said" doesn't hold merit in court. If she calls you on your phone, a boundary can be that you are not going to pick up the phone and let it go to voicemail. I found that keeping our communication by email also made it less emotional and it helped me with my triggers and it helped with healing.

[luckycharm224]

She can technically still call me. When you block someone in the iPhone they can still call you using star67 before the number. When I do very private calls I let it go to voicemail. I have lost all my boundaries due to my word my meaning anything anymore because I've said over and over and over that I'm done then she does something, I react, and then the cycle continues. These people  know you better then you know ourselves and she knows exactly what I'm going to do when she wants a reaction.

As far as my mom , she can stay until after January 1st. So that will help me heal, when you said that be prepared for extinction... .What exactly does that mean ?

[Mutt]

I have lost all my boundaries due to my word my meaning anything anymore because I've said over and over and over that I'm done then she does something, I react, and then the cycle continues. These people  know you better then you know ourselves and she knows exactly what I'm going to do when she wants a reaction.

When you stick to your boundaries do you find that she escalates? When we stop reacting and re-enforcing our ex partners negative behaviors the behaviors escalate until it bursts and the behaviors stop. It can be like the mother of all tantrums. Think of it this way, your son is 22 months. My kids all had soothers when they were babies. I recall when we took away my first born's soother and every night she would cry and scream for her soother and it was nerve wracking for us for about 2 weeks and suddenly she stopped crying for her soother, that's when she experienced an extinction burst. I hope that helps.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Extinction Bursts

2 minute video on how extinction bursts work https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqHfEJt1ZV4

[luckycharm224]

I understand now. Out of the 4 years I've never held my ground for too long, so this might in fact, change things for the best I'm hoping. NC so far is extremely hard but  at the same I'm feeling empowered.

Things might have to get a little worse before they get better.

As far as the burst you are describing . I have never ignored her... .EVER ! I'm curious how she will take this boundry I'm setting for myself

[Mutt]

Things might have to get a little worse before they get better.

Yes, have faith.

[luckycharm224]

So this morning I went snowboarding and my ex had been contacting  my mom asking her if she would like a ride to look at this place that the ex had found for rent. My mom is in a fixed income but wants to move here, but for the time being I was going to let her stay with me for the  holidays.

My mom has a huge heart, she's weak, and a co dependant herself, the ex I just found out, texted her and asked her if she would like to go to the store with her and the kids, this is all after she asked my mom is she needed a ride to look at the place and my mom told her that I went snowboarding today, yes, I'm freaking out right now at a ski resort... .What does  this mean, why is she doing this, she doesn't want me, she tells me that she can't stand the person that I am, says I'm immature fit my age, we've all heard it I'm sure, if she was normal, I wouldn't mind because my mom would get to see my son, but I always feel like there's always a motive  behind everything she does. Apparently my mom is going with her. I didn't get the message until I got down the hill. What do I do ?

[luckycharm224]

NEED ADVICE! I have really need anxiety now

[Mutt]

Luckycharm244,

Here's a tip. We don't have to assign a pathology to everything our ex partners do. It was nice for your ex to take your mom to look at places. She asked if your mom is interested in going to the store, maybe your mom can use something from the store or spend time with the kids. Don't sweat the small stuff 

[luckycharm224]

I'm just confused because I'm painted black right now and after reading countless stories, wouldn't she have a motive. Yes, agree it is nice of her to do that, but at the same time, those that suffer from BPD don't think as we do. So I'm wondering why she is doing this

[C.Stein]

I'm just confused because I'm painted black right now and after reading countless stories, wouldn't she have a motive. Yes, agree it is nice of her to do that, but at the same time, those that suffer from BPD don't think as we do. So I'm wondering why she is doing this

Perhaps this is just an act of kindness, no point in driving yourself crazy looking for hidden motive.  If there is a hidden motive/agenda then it will reveal itself in time.   Not everything a BPD does is impacted by the disorder nor do they have some hidden agenda for every action or word. 

[luckycharm224]

Ok, I'll do my best to just let it be. She knows that I want my family back but now that I'm going NC for my own personal healing I thought she might be trying to get info. My mom talks a lot

[C.Stein]

Ok, I'll do my best to just let it be. She knows that I want my family back but now that I'm going NC for my own personal healing I thought she might be trying to get info. My mom talks a lot

Take care of yourself and don't concern yourself with what she is doing.  Deal with any issues as they arise.  You will drive yourself insane if you are constantly looking for something that isn't there.

[luckycharm224]

That ship has failed my friend. Lol

I over analyze everything.

[C.Stein]

I over analyze everything.

So do I, that is the reason for the advice.