The flip-flops between high-function and low-function are exhausting

[todayistheday]

About half the time, uBPD Mom is somewhat under control.   Other times, she's a raving monster.

That's to me.  For my Dad, 3/4the time she's a raving monster and the other half, he manages to fly under her radar, but it's a sleeping bear that can be poked so easily.

I've written the history the last couple months.  She had knee surgery twice this year.  Both times, she turned into a raging monster against my Dad after I left. 

Her last surgery was a total knee replacement at the end of September.  She was making trouble over Thanksgiving.  I detailed how sister and I made plans to move it to sister's house next door to my Mom for my Mom's sake and Mom threw a fit and said she wouldn't go if we did that, so we moved it back here.

After she threw that fit, I avoided talking to her for a while.  I only heard about it from sister and Dad.

A few weeks ago, Mom pitched a fit because Dad didn't bring her a sandwich from McDonalds.  He asked her if she wanted anything and she'd said NO.   She would not let him go back and get her one, because she preferred to rage on him about it for almost two weeks.

When they were here Thanksgiving and people were making plates to take home,  she told him that she wanted nothing, she has appetite problems.  I thought to myself "uh-oh... ."  So when they had time be home a couple hours i called.  I asked her "having second thoughts about not wanting any food to take home."  She said no.  I was heading off her having the same fit that she had over McDonalds. 

Overall, she was very nice on Thanksgiving.  She usually does behave on holidays.  She doesn't want a holiday "ruined", so I actually like holidays.

Dad's emails have recently said things are better now too.

The not knowing what and when she will strike is just very exhausting in itself.  She'll be nice for a while now, but we still have to wait for the volcano to blow again.  We know it will happen, without warning.  So we do have to walk on eggshells, but it does not do any good.

[Kwamina]

Hi todayistheday

Overall, she was very nice on Thanksgiving.  She usually does behave on holidays.  She doesn't want a holiday "ruined", so I actually like holidays.

I am glad your mother was so nice on Thanksgiving Day I've read a lot of stories of members dreading holidays so it's good to hear a story of a BPD mother who actually tends to behave better during holidays.

Dad's emails have recently said things are better now too.

The not knowing what and when she will strike is just very exhausting in itself.  She'll be nice for a while now, but we still have to wait for the volcano to blow again.  We know it will happen, without warning.  So we do have to walk on eggshells, but it does not do any good.

The not knowing and constantly being on guard awaiting the 'Turn', can be quite exhausting indeed. It would be nice if your mother's behavior would continue to improve. There is always hope of course. Based on your experiences so far though, it makes sense to be prepared for the possibility of more problematic behavior from your mother in the future.

To help you relax, keep your thoughts directed at the present and not worry too much about what might happen, it might help to practice mindfulness and meditation. Have you ever tried this?

Kwamina The Board Parrot

[HappyChappy]

I feal for you todayistheday, I’ve walked on egg shells and it is exhausting. So your mom thinks McDonald sandwiches are all the rage ?  

A BPD will find fault whenever she wants, and if not they engineer it. It gets them centre stage, it puts us on the back feet and gives them the control they want. The sad thing is this approach actually works, but only if you are a captive audience (i.e. live with them).

I would back up using mindfulness to stop thinking about the what if’s. Not sure we can stop this sort of behaviour, but we can stop being bothered by it. Put those boundaries up, and every time she starts to complain leave the room or put her on hold (if it’s the phone) change the conversation. Just have a few stock excuses for leaving the room (or her house).  Need the toilet, glass of water etc. My two monster raving PD relos both get pretty much no visitors, I wonder why ? I've made more of an effort than most, but there is a limit. We should not have to soke up their rages, we realy don't.