Step 4 from the Survivors Guide

[Woolspinner2000]

Sometimes I will take the time to go to the Survivors Guide on the side and re-read the steps to see where I am, how I am progressing. Recently I've become more aware of my inner child, step 7, but that has also brought up some memories too, so here I am, back at step 4, remembering once again. 

In a recent T session, I shared a story from my teen years that my T had not heard before, and I was rather surprised by his reaction. A couple months ago I told the same story to another friend, and she reacted strongly as well. How often I think what happened to me was just normal, and then to see others react to indicate that it is NOT normal at all, well, it is rather shocking to me  . I try to wrap my mind around that aspect of my childhood, and it takes a bit more effort. Then again, that's why I keep working on the steps in the Survivors Guide. I'll share the story below.

When I was 16, we moved from the farm where I grew up to an old home, one which had previously been used as a home for mentally handicapped people. I can still recall things about the house which were unsettling to me, such as a room painted all black. I don't think that would've helped the residents at all! My parents and my brother (19 yrs) and sister (9 yrs) each got a bedroom. I did not. I was 'stashed away' in the far end of the living room where my bed was squeezed against 3 windows (a bay window) and a small partition was placed at the end of my bed for 'privacy.' I think we had to hang up blankets for curtains. That was my bedroom for over a year I think.

I have so many blocked memories, and moving to this house is one of them. We were just there, and I don't recall the move at all. I do remember though, that it was very cold back there with 3 old windows that had no insulation on them, and the cold wind would blow through the cracks. One night a little bottle of shampoo that I had set on the window ledge froze solid. My cheeks were red from frostbite when I woke, and yet, it seemed unimportant to my parents.

Sometimes now I wonder why I was the one who was placed there and didn't seem to matter. Why were my siblings more important? Did I volunteer? I remember my grandpa getting mad (and I only saw him mad this one time) and telling my dad to finish up a room for me. My grandpa was the one who came down to start a room for me, finally getting my dad to help. So at least I had a real bedroom for my senior year, my last year at home before leaving for college.

It is that whole incident of not having a bedroom and getting frostbite that has brought about reactions from the 2 people I shared it with. Now I'm sharing it with my family here as it's something that I'm trying to process through. I'm so used to the fact that I had to live this way, but deep inside, my teenage self is very sad that she was so neglected and unimportant. I sure had to work hard physically though, and was expected to do everything I was told.  And that would be the year that I missed 23 days of school, my junior year, and I have no recollection why.

In the end I am guessing that step 5, holding my parents responsible, is what I'll have to do.

Would this be considered abuse? Neglect? I don't quite know what to do with this memory yet. I feel like I was Cinderella when she was banned to the attic.

Wools

[unicorn2014]

Thanks for sharing your story Woolspinner, I'd say that sounded like severe neglect. They didn't even notice that it was so cold that shampoo was freezing on the windowsill or that you got frost bite from sleeping back there. I'm very sorry for what you went through and I really appreciate you taking the time to write it out for others. 

[Kwamina]

Hi Wools

When you are so used to things being a certain way and when your own parents normalize everything, it can be very hard for a child to determine if there is really something wrong with the way they are being treated.

Would this be considered abuse? Neglect? I don't quite know what to do with this memory yet. I feel like I was Cinderella when she was banned to the attic.

I am very sorry you had these experiences. Considering the extreme cold you describe, I would definitely classify what happened to you as severe neglect. It seems very unlikely that your parents weren't aware just how cold it was so I personally view this as willful abuse.

You're becoming more aware of your inner child and as a result certain memories are resurfacing. When you now look back at the incidents you've described here, how do these events make you feel? Do these memories trigger certain thoughts and emotions in you? Do you feel like you are also starting to process these memories on an emotional level?

[Woolspinner2000]

Thank you for the responses, Unicorn and Kwamina. 

I appreciate the input as to your thoughts about the abuse. It takes some time for me to be able to absorb the possibility that this was a form of abuse, and then to take it in and consider the truth that it IS abuse. While recently thinking about some definitions of abuse and what it is, I thought of the one which my T has shared with me. He considers abuse 'taking advantage of another person or determining to have 'control' of them for one's own purposes, comfort, satisfaction, or distorted sense of well being.' With that in mind, I'd definitely now say that this situation was abusive. I thought about some of my friends during my teenage years who were foster kids, and even they each had their own bedrooms. Then I also think of how I'd respond if it were my own child sleeping in an environment that was dangerously cold like that. My son went to camp Alaska with Scouts and I was worried about him, even though we'd had lots of training to prepare and be safe. I remember I told my uBPDm about my cheeks and the frozen shampoo, and she thought little of it.

Kwamina, I've taken a few days to ponder on my response to the questions you asked.

When you now look back at the incidents you've described here, how do these events make you feel? Do these memories trigger certain thoughts and emotions in you? Do you feel like you are also starting to process these memories on an emotional level?

Overall I'm experiencing a great feeling of sadness, but when I pull out my 'feeling word list,' there are so many words that describe my emotions as I begin to access them from those teen years. I feel unimportant, neglected, used, hurt, powerless, alone, and scared to name some. Lots of feelings.

There are definitely certain thoughts that are beginning to emerge, and questions I'm beginning to ask when I start to expand and try to remember events from that time in my life. I think that my uBPDm probably had more control over me when she stuck me back there only a short distance from her accessibility to me. I had no place to retreat to, only more work to do. It was a miserable place to sleep and try to find a spot to get dressed when there was only room to stand between the bed and dresser.

I think the question I struggled with the most was this one:

Do you feel like you are also starting to process these memories on an emotional level?

I had to ask myself what this meant, and I think I understand. I'm recalling certain memories as I'm getting better acquainted with my teen inner child, and I'm seeing the facts, but that isn't the emotional part. As I work at healing, that will encompass my body, my mind, and my soul. The feelings I experience are a part of the whole, and I'm looking beyond just the memory to integrating what I see with what I feel and the conclusions I'm drawing as a result. Am I heading in the right direction with what you mean?

To realize that my inner child has needs that weren't met in this environment causes me to want to validate her and listen more and more. There was a lot left undone in her life.

Wools

[Kwamina]

Hi again Wools

I had to ask myself what this meant, and I think I understand. I'm recalling certain memories as I'm getting better acquainted with my teen inner child, and I'm seeing the facts, but that isn't the emotional part. As I work at healing, that will encompass my body, my mind, and my soul. The feelings I experience are a part of the whole, and I'm looking beyond just the memory to integrating what I see with what I feel and the conclusions I'm drawing as a result. Am I heading in the right direction with what you mean?

Yes, that was what I meant!  Sometimes we can look back at events on a rational level and be able to see the facts without actually feeling them. I think it's then almost like you are thinking of something that isn't really a part of you, almost like someone else experienced it. Once we also start processing things on an emotional level, I think we can then integrate our past experiences on a deeper level and accept or acknowledge them as part of our past reality.

To realize that my inner child has needs that weren't met in this environment causes me to want to validate her and listen more and more. There was a lot left undone in her life.

Again some words from the wise Pete Walker come to mind here:

"Allow yourself to grieve. Flashbacks are opportunities to release old, unexpressed feelings of fear, hurt, and abandonment, and to validate - and then soothe - the child's past experience of helplessness and hopelessness. Healthy grieving can turn our tears into self-compassion and our anger into self-protection."

"Figure out what you are flashing back to. Flashbacks are opportunities to discover, validate and heal our wounds from past abuse and abandonment. They also point to our still unmet developmental needs and can provide motivation to get them met."

[Woolspinner2000]

Kwamina,

I'm glad I passed that quiz!  . I appreciate Pete Walker's advice because it is so relevant to these steps of recovery. Once I get through a flashback I usually step back from those overacting emotions a few days later and gently try to go back and see what happened. Interestingly enough, I had a super major flashback about 3 weeks ago, and it was concerning my teen inner child. I guess that was the start of seeing that she was trying to get my attention. I'm paying attention now.

When I first began in therapy 4 years ago, I didn't even recognize that I have an inner child.   Now it is becoming more natural for me to recognize that when I have certain responses, especially fear and anxiety, she is the one having needs that I try to respond to. However, stepping into this age of my teen years adds another whole aspect to my processing. Usually I'm working with Little Wools who is 5 to 9 years old. The feelings of a teen are more complex, I'm discovering, but I think I will continue to glean so much from her.

It is really hard to do the work of going back to expose the hurt, pain and tears of those childhood years, yet in the process, I begin to see and feel those emotions, then put them together, and that emotional processing you asked about takes place in the midst of it all. Once the need to validate the feelings takes place, it helps tremendously to bring balm to my soul.

"Allow yourself to grieve. Flashbacks are opportunities to release old, unexpressed feelings of fear, hurt, and abandonment, and to validate - and then soothe - the child's past experience of helplessness and hopelessness. Healthy grieving can turn our tears into self-compassion and our anger into self-protection."

The topic of grieving is so relevant for me right now since my dad died. I joined a grief group and for the past 10 weeks we've been covering many different aspects of grief. I find my father's death and the ensuing grief to only be a small part of the whole. A huge part I realize, is my grieving over my lost childhood. There are other things as well, including my uBPDm's death and the slow loss of my DH who I fear has some form of dementia. I'm finding grief is necessary to emotionally process the whole. I take each memory as it comes, one by one.


Wools

[Kwamina]

When I first began in therapy 4 years ago, I didn't even recognize that I have an inner child. 

I know what you mean, I was shocked when I discovered my inner parrot! Now I've been able to embrace him though and we even hold parroting contests together

Now it is becoming more natural for me to recognize that when I have certain responses, especially fear and anxiety, she is the one having needs that I try to respond to. However, stepping into this age of my teen years adds another whole aspect to my processing. Usually I'm working with Little Wools who is 5 to 9 years old. The feelings of a teen are more complex, I'm discovering, but I think I will continue to glean so much from her.

Gentlestguardian not too long ago posted an interesting inner child exercise you probably have seen since you're in that thread too:

I found Homecoming: Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child by John Bradshaw to be extremely helpful. The book offers a lot of meditation and visualization exercises that had a very powerful effect on me. In one of the exercises you visualize your adult self going down a long corridor with doors on both sides. You enter the doors one by one and extract from each room your baby self, your toddler self, your school-aged self, your adolescent self, your teen self, and your young adult self. The exercise forces you to visualize what you looked like in each stage, which for me was really hard because I had some mild body disassociation as a child. I would look in the mirror and not recognize the person standing in front of me and it would take me a second or two to put together that the vision in the mirror was me. Well the exercise kind of re-welded my adult self to my various stages of child selves and I had a very distinct feeling of wholeness afterward, and of relief that now each of my child selves were safely in my capable adult hands. I highly recommend it if you're feeling disconnected from yourself.

I like how this exercise takes you through your entire childhood into your young adult years.

The topic of grieving is so relevant for me right now since my dad died. I joined a grief group and for the past 10 weeks we've been covering many different aspects of grief. I find my father's death and the ensuing grief to only be a small part of the whole. A huge part I realize, is my grieving over my lost childhood. There are other things as well, including my uBPDm's death and the slow loss of my DH who I fear has some form of dementia. I'm finding grief is necessary to emotionally process the whole. I take each memory as it comes, one by one.

Grieving the loss of a loved one isn't easy so I am glad you have the support of that grief group. Grieving a lost childhood and everything that could have been but wasn't, is very though too. I struggle with that too. I do feel that as I'm able to accept and grieve this loss more, I'm better able to integrate my past experiences into my life and as a result I'm unlocking more of my potential in the present and opening new doors to the future that might have seemed closed before or that I didn't even knew were there.

Taking it slow and taking the time to properly process each memory seems a very wise strategy, also to keep you from getting overwhelmed by all of the thoughts and emotions these memories can trigger