Am I going to be OK?

[Empty.Happy]

Hi,

I have been wanting and needing to write and talk to someone, but I haven't because I didn't want to get into it myself.  I've been having a really hard time recently as I my BPD and my mother just pulled the rug from under me and betrayed and utterly broken my heart.  I am left shattered, and depleted, with literally no one to talk to or support me.

I'll try to keep it short if I can.

Two years ago, I was a year and half into therapy, my therapist suggested that my sister may have BP.  I read a lot of books and talk to her more and more, and suddenly everything was explained.  The bizarre irrational behavior, the frustrations.  The more I read, the more it made sense, specially reading accounts of family members.  I completely related.

I shared the info with my mom, who was receptive at first, gave her a book, she was really into it, but soon it appeared that she went into denial and every time I would talk about it, she'd just become really quiet and killed the conversation. 

My father had passed away a few yard ago.  My mother had a horrible relationship with him, they fought all the time but sadly never divorced "for the sake of the children".  I was the closest to him and a bridge between my mother and sister and him. 

Until my father's passing, I thought I was close to my mother, but she pretty much "dumped me" the minute he was gone and I sensed anger from her toward me immediately.  I now realized how much of that I decided to ignore it saying to myself, it will pass.  Over the past few years, my mother's relationship with me has deteriorated, but I never imagined my mother would betray me.  I caught her in several lies beginning six months ago regarding my inheritance that I let her handle.  Long story short, she has been lying to my face for a year, in collusion with my sister.  The two of them basically decided to cut me off and basically give me a small hand out!  Because….I don't know.  They won't give me a straight answer.  I only found out because I "snooped" and find out about it this summer, which made my mother livid.  I learned that they have set this master plan in motion LAST year and have been pretending with me for a whole year.  I should also mention that there is strange man that has come into the picture since last year and is TOTALLY taking advantage of them financially, while pretending to be their night and shining armor.  I never liked him and my gut told me he is a con immediately, and told my mother last year.  Her reaction was that he became her confidant the next day.

When I confronted my mother about the things that didn't add up (I was still trying to keep things friendly, and not offend her)  her reaction was SO harsh and SO verbally violent toward me.  I can't even explain it.  I am still in shock about it.  The money part of it pales in comparison to the shock I am feeling of my mother's SUDDEN violent, hateful, resentment toward me.  It came out of nowhere.  I have always known my sister hated me, but I always thought I have my mother in my corner.  To learn that she is faking being nice to me, while plotting against me is just unfathomable.  I am just speechless….

When I have confronted my sister, when I show anger, and have outbursts, her reaction is just this eerie silence, and cold calm look - which is totally unlike her to be in control of her emotions.  That makes me even angrier.  They are not even sorry.  They are not even upset that I found out.  They are charging on with THEIR plan and putting the ball into my court to literally take them to court!  …my mom is making it sound like it's my fault (for example she says she hid things from me, because I was always looking to catch her in a lie, and I am a person that is not trusting (the guy's exact words)), or that I talk to her disrespectfully, etc.  She also keeps saying that my share of the inheritance is untouched, which is a lie.  I have documented proof in writing, and yet, she makes me doubt myself and tells me I am delusional. 

This monster is not the mother I have know…... or maybe the mother I had imagined I have known.  My soft, innocent, honest mother I thought I had has turned into this money hungry, angry, rage full, manipulator.  Was that her all along?   Did she hate me and resent me all my life as it shows?  Or is just transferring unresolved rage from my father to me?  Of course there is the guy who is offering to double and quadruple her money if she invest with him, at the same time as triggering her emotionally saying how she has suffered in this marriage and how she deserves so much more, etc etc.

She and my sister bascially stopped talking to me in 4 months ago when everything came out into the open.  I caught a conversation of them over the phone about me.  It was painful to hear.  It was so cold, and so cruel.   I reached out to some of mom's trusted friends, trying to get to her, save the relationship somehow, to no avail.  Either they didn't care, or she offered them some sort of financial help, or she she manipulated everybody against me.  She tells them in a motherly way how she cares about me and how I am "sick" and delusional (again, I have legal legit papers proving my claims), and how I have become so untrusting of everyone and how she is really worried about me…

I have lived every moment of last year and put two and two together, for ex.  the random outburst are not so random anymore, they all happened when I hit a nerve, but didn't know at the time.  How they manipulated me into giving them power of attorney to sell property, and when I said "why, we are not selling anything", the response was "YOU ARE ALWASY GETTING IN THE WAY, YOU JUST DON"T UNDERSTAND".  I gave up and gave them power of attorney, and now I realized they knew exactly what they wanted to do, they transferred title to themselves.  They had it planned all along and I trusted them.

I am also, reliving every moment of my life, realizing my mother wasn't really that nice to me.  How she manipulated me my whole life making me feel she needs me, how she never acknowledged me, how she never had my back when it came to my sister, even though I always had hers and supported her….and how blind I was because I was hungry for her love.

I am in so much pain, I can't bear it.  I have no energy or will to fight them in court.  It's too daunting and I feel defeated already.  I keep asking why? why would they do this?  why would they just cut me off/out?  What did I do to deserve this?

It's such a horrible feeling to feel like your whole life is a lie.  I keep having random memories of the past, I even miss them, but everything feels different now that I know this is what's happening.  Nothing is the same.

I am facing the prospect of moving on with a whole new reality.  I was just getting myself out of a long depression and dealing with my sister's BPD and finding my boundaries, and now this has happened.

I have my pets and they have literally carried me during this time.  They are all I have and I'm so grateful, but I feel utterly alone still.  A few of my "friends" who know what's going on, just avoid me and clearly don't want to be there.  Other friends, either my sister or my mom have gotten to them.  I also don't have the energy to try to fight for myself and defend myself with these friends.

I feel no confidence in how I will carry on.  I am just frozen with fear and anxiety as to what is going to happen to me and my pets.  I don't know what the fear is exactly.  I am afraid of losing them too. I am afraid, I just don't know how to go on.  Where do I go from here? 

[bpdfamfan]

Hey I just want to offer some support.

Your post is well written and I understand exactly where you're coming from.

I'd like to wait and see what some of our stronger members say.

You'll be ok 

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome to our family Empty.Happy! 

I'm so glad that you found us here. Thank you for sharing your story, and quite a story it is. I hear your sadness, grief, anger, and know there must be so many things you are feeling. I for one can sure relate to those feelings of betrayal which you mentioned. My mom was a uBPD, and it seemed as if the minute I let my guard down, the risk of betrayal was huge. I frequently had those questions rolling around in my head asking, "Who can I trust?"

It is such a hopeless feeling to not know who you can trust anymore. You are in the midst of a situation that sounds unstable for you especially now. It is important that you are safe. Do you feel safe where you are currently living or do you have a place to go where you know you'll be safe? Are you able to continue seeing your T throughout this time?

You've come to a great place where the members do their best to support and encourage one another. They'll offer a listening ear as you share your struggles. Have you had time to read about "Taking care of yourself' over to the right side under 'Lessons?'-----------> 

Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing. I'm glad you felt free to share with us.


Wools

[Empty.Happy]

Thank you both for your support. 

I unfortunately live in the family home with my sister.  The last few years have been difficult financially as I haven't been able to work, and I'v been struggling to get on my own and separate myself from the family.  It has been a very toxic environment and at times I have no felt safe.  Now it is toxic on a whole other level.  We are basically ships passing in the night avoiding each other as much as possible.  Having said that, I feel like after this last cover up, they have reduced me into nothing as she lives as if it's HER house.  Somehow, I have been deleted from the picture.  She has gone through my stuff and already taken some documents…(she always had this habit of going through my stuff and even take/move my things and it always bother me - but now it is beyond bothered - it's just disturbing).  A few weeks ago I learned she had put a hold on my mail at the post office.  Theo there day, I caught her signing for a package that was for me.  I constantly have to have my car keys, phone, laptop, and purse with me so she doesn't take anything valuable.  All of this feed into the fax that my mom says I"m the crazy one, and I do doubt my own insanity all the time.  I don't think I am physically in danger given her state of "zen"…I think she gets emotional support the con artist who is helping them as well the sense of control which she think she finally has over me. 

Mentally, I feel like living here is very disturbing.  It's no longer just walking on eggshells, or having to deal with nuisance like her talking to me to all the time about stories I don't want to hear.  The betrayal, the lies, I can't get past it and I just don't want to in the space with her.  I am constantly angry and I have, like a lunatic, screamed and yelled at her- only to be with the eerie silent.  I am trigging to figure out how I can get out of here…it's rather difficult.

I am lucky that my T continues to see at a significant disc out, because I don't insurance that covered her. She is very supportive and the only person I have to talk to. 

I have skimmed thought the help section.  I know so many of the tips and guidelines, theoretically, but it's very difficult to have them show up for me in reality.  It's challenging for me to stay focused and apply all of them  I feel like I take one step forward and 10 back.  It always seems like I get soo close to clarity, freedom, but then some even/drama/catastrophe always sets me back (it's probably my story about it anyways).  I was in such a good place last spring after maintaining my distance for a few months, kept my boundaries, I was feeling upbeat, hopeful…and I could even see the possibility of when I moved out and was on my own, I could handle a relationship with her and listen to her ongoing stories, etc.  I thought why not…and then I learned about the things I learned over the summer and I am in a very low place again, and it's the lowest I have ever been.  Sigh... .

Thanks for listening/reading. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Empty.Happy! 

How are you doing now? I appreciate your sharing some more details of what is going on in your life. You definitely have some challenges to face. Living with someone who is BPD is a very real moment by moment struggle for so many of us. I am sorry that you have to walk through this at all.

It's challenging for me to stay focused and apply all of them  I feel like I take one step forward and 10 back. 

You are not alone in feeling this! I've often felt this too.   With time it gets better, but it is a process, not an overnight fix unfortunately. Keep going, one foot in front of the other. I am very glad you are still going to your T. That is really important for you, because this will help you have a source of validation.

What options do you feel you have that would help you be safe in your situation? Do you have any relatives that could help you at all that you could stay with? Is there assistance in your community available to you? A church? If you can search for some options, you won't feel as powerless and you can develop a plan. Keep us posted!

Wishing you blessings for your day! 

Wools