It's over, if I can be strong

[dorgenaljom]

My name is David. I terminated my two-year relationship with my girlfriend, because it's killing me inside. I was an idiot, falling in love with someone who had recently went through a horrible split with her husband, and were in the process of going through a divorce. That I fell in love with someone broken likely illustrates my own pathology. I had known her casually for 25 years, and she swept me off my feet one Friday night. The first year was like a fairy tale, we couldn't get enough of each other, and making love was hotter than hell.

As ideal as the realationship went the first year, the second has been soul wrenching. She began to become hostile with me over little things, and would say cutthroat remarks completely out of proportion to the alleged offense. I often found myself being cross-examined for trivial things, like why didn't I smile when she thought I should have, did I buy a particular guitar to drown her out, etc. Well before the end of our first year together, she initiated discussion after discussion as to why I should sell or rent my home so I could move in with her to save her marital home. I didn't feel comfortable doing so, and my resistance to it infuriated her. The next discussion we'd have on the matter would be a rehearsed counterpoint to my last arguments against me being her fire escape. My original misgivings, that I didn't want to replace her ex's financial role, and that me giving in to her wishes still would not provide her the ability to split marital assets with her ex, fell on deaf ears. "Why do I have to sell my house, but you don't have to sell your?" "Because I don't owe your ex any money" was never an appropriate answer.

Pretty soon, arguments were occurring weekly, over stupid things, and apologies were constantly being demanded of me. Once she realized that she could not afford to keep her house, and started the process of settling her estate, she began grooming me to move in. She had already invested so much into putting down my house as too small, crappy neighbors, etc, she couldn't just tell me that she wanted to move in with me, but verbalized her wishes as, "if you really want me to move in with you, you'll do x." Meanwhile, she was increasingly flying into rages and threatening to leave the relationship. It got to the point where I would barely see or hear from her for weeks, and listened to lecture after lecture about her need for sovereignty and independence. After a particularly bad vacation this past summer, she dumped me, and moved all the furniture and belongings out of my house.

She returned a month later, on my birthday, wanting to make up, and we made love. Almost immediately, I was back to unrequited love mode, hearing about how many good reasons she had to leave me. One of my stipulations for getting back together was us getting couples counseling. It seems that counseling has just exacerbated the toxicity, she continues to rage, remain ambivalent and emotionally distant. One night, she asked me what I was thinking, and I told her how I look forward to getting a dog, and she had a three hour meltdown, saying I must not love her dogs, and planning a future without her. I think confronting her about her bipolar history, and her cynicism about therapy and not taking the medication prescribed has alienated her further from me. Our current therapist has said she lives in a hyper defensive space, and is not even aware of her behaviors.

I love her so much, but I've listened to dozens of threats, been raged at mercilessly, put on ice for weeks, initiated couples counseling, and all I've got to show for it is a broken heart. I let her know we were finished on Thankgiving after I requested to see her and she didn't want to see me. I know she will eventually try to reinstate contact, but I hope I'm strong enough to let it be.

Moving on, David

[C.Stein]

Welcome.  I think it is good that you have removed the blinders and see the relationship and her for what they truly are.  It takes a lot of inner strength to resist going back, especially when there was a lot of good in the relationship along with the bad.  I wish you luck in your recovery and to let you know you are not alone.  You will find many on this board who are in a very similar situation and it will help you stay strong. 

[CollateralDamage]

Are you sure that we were not seeing the same person? Your description is almost exactly the same situation... .she played victim to an abusive husband, love bombed me and the rest is almost word for word true.  First year was AMAZING, I was her everything and when we talked she would listen so deeply and respond with the brightest observations.  Sex was beyond great but only 3-4 weeks she was involving me in her separation, to the point where I was redlining the separation agreement for her.  She was busy finding us a house, but when I brought up the issues such as marital assets, it was like I never said anything.  The second year proceeded to get worse, and escalated to the point where I was looking for reasons to leave her because I could no longer understand her other personalities (didn't know about Bpd then).  Long story short, I found out she was cheating with me with one of her supposed "gay" male friends.  I was knocked off my rocker reading about their scheduling "events" for months while she was with me.  I ended right then and there... .right after I gave her the opportunity to come clean and be honest with me. Nope, she lied and said it was my fault... .right... .

After I went NC, she contacted me again about three months later.  This attempt was simply to passive aggressively let me know she had bought a new house (she is only separated still) and to kinda show me "look at me and how great I am now".  From a friendly perspective, I told her I was happy and would love to see it.  Never another response... .so it was just for validation.  This last time, she was seeing someone else but wanted to come back into a committed relationship and make US work.  That backfired since I no longer trusted her and of course, I find out she had another guy in bed and home regularly.  But the devaluation here broke me hard.

never again! never... .ever... .go... .back.   Swear to yourself that your will never give her the opportunity to hurt you again.  Say it daily or each time you pine over the "good time"... .never give her the opportunity to hurt you again. 

Good luck

[dorgenaljom]

Thanks for the support.